Friday, January 31, 2003
On a trip to the zoo, I
took a casual stroll by the cage of a laughing hyena. A young man was
leaning over the bar at the edge of the cage, whispering something in the
animal's direction. As I stepped closer, I heard him say,
"Did you hear the one about..."
Thursday, January 30, 2003
"I'm ashamed of the way
we live," a young wife said to her lazy husband who refused to find a job.
"My father pays our rent. My mother buys all of our food. My sister buys
our clothes. My aunt bought us a car. I'm just so ashamed." The husband
rolled over on the couch.
"You should be ashamed,"
he agreed. "Those two worthless brothers of yours never give us a cent."
Wednesday, January 29, 2003
Linda and Jill are having
coffee when Linda notices that Jill seems troubled and asks her, "Is
something bugging you? You look anxious."
"Well, my boyfriend just lost all his money and life savings in the stock
market," Jill explained.
"Oh, that's too bad," Linda sympathized. "I'm sure you're feeling sorry
"Yeah, I am," Jill said. "He'll miss me."
Tuesday, January 28, 2003
Some believe that the
world converting to the METRIC SYSTEM would greatly simplify our measures.
However, look what would happen to our old clichés...
* A miss is as good as 1.6 kilometers.
* Put your best 0.3 of a
* Spare the 5.03 meters
and spoil the child.
* Twenty-eight grams of
prevention is worth 453 grams of cure.
* Give a man 2.5
centimeters, and he'll take 1.6 kilometers.
* Peter Piper picked 8.8
liters of pickled peppers.
Monday, January 27, 2003
A woman was waiting in
the check-out line at a shopping center. Her arms were laden with a mop
and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it
was obvious she was in an extreme hurry, and was not happy about the
slowness of the line.
When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman
remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home
"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind kicking up out
there and that brand new broom, you'll be home in no time."
Sunday, January 26, 2003
"Your Honor, I want to
bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to be accused of
theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knows his way
around. What's more, he only speaks a few words of English."
The Judge looked at the defendant and asked, "How much English can you
The defendant looked up and said, "Give me your wallet!"
Saturday, January 25, 2003
I Finally Know Why
In honor of his
retirement from the police force, John's wife decided to throw a surprise
party for him.
Plans made in secrecy over a two-month period included catering and
entertainment decisions as well as travel accommodations for over 100
friends and relatives from around the country. At the party, John stood up
to address his guests. As he looked around the room at everyone who had
secretly gathered on his behalf, he shook his head and said, "After 25
years on the police force, I finally know why I never made detective."
Friday, January 24, 2003
One Sunday our priest
announced he was passing out miniature crosses made of palm leaves. "Put
this cross in the room where your family argues most," he advised. "When
you look at it, the cross will remind you that God is watching."
As I was leaving church, the woman in front of me walked up to the priest,
shook his hand and said, "I'll take five."
Thursday, January 23, 2003
While traveling through
Wyoming one winter day, I was experiencing what's called a horizontal
blizzard. The snow that had fallen the day before was blowing across the
When I stopped for fuel, I remarked on the condition to a man at the gas
station. He obviously was a local who had seen a lot of winters.
"Yeah," he said, nodding. We don't get much snow, but what we do get, we
use a lot."
Wednesday, January 22, 2003
There's a Noise
One night, a lady
stumbled into the police station with a black eye. She claimed she heard a
noise in her back yard and went to investigate. The next thing she knew,
she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.
An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned 1-1/2
hours later with a black eye.
"Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked.
"No," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."
Tuesday, January 21, 2003
In the dim and distant
When life's tempo wasn't so fast.
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat and baby sit
When the kids were in a jam,
They could always call on Gram.
But today she's in the gym
Exercising to keep slim.
She's checking the web or surfing the net,
Sending some e-mail or placing a bet.
Nothing seems to stop or block her,
Now that Grandma's off her rocker.
Monday, January 20, 2003
A tourist wanders into a
back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the
objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of
a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and
asks the shop owner what it costs.
"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand
dollars more for the story behind it."
"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat
under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live
rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously
looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he
passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him.
By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his
heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and
soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers,
basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars.
Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at
the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run for the bridge.
Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one
arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other,
as far as he can heave it.
Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in
amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the
sea, where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.
"No," says the tourist, "but I was wondering if you have any bronze
Sunday, January 19, 2003
A Texan, trying to
impress a Bostonian with tales about the heroes of the Alamo, said, "I'll
bet you never had anyone so brave around Boston."
"Ever hear of Paul Revere?" asked the Bostonian.
"Paul Revere?" said the Texan. "Isn't he the guy who ran for help?"
Saturday, January 18, 2003
Things You Don't
Want To Hear At A Tattoo Parlor
"Eagle? I thought you
"We're all out of red, so I used pink."
"There are 2 Os in Bob, right?"
"I hate it when I get the hiccups."
"Anything else you want to say? You've got plenty of room back here."
"I'll bet you can't tell I've never done this before."
"The flag's all done. You know, those folds of fat make a nice waving
Friday, January 17, 2003
A guy was typing away at
his home computer, when his six- year-old daughter sneaked up behind him.
Suddenly, she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of
the family, "I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!"
"What is it?" her sisters asked eagerly.
Proudly she replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"
Thursday, January 16, 2003
Once upon a time there
was a king named James who reigned over a small country. He was a good and
wise king, but he had one very bad habit: King James just loved animals --
all kinds of animals -- and he kept bringing them in the castle with him.
King James had deer and water buffalo and foxes - all sorts of game in
every room of the castle. The people of the kingdom finally got fed up
with King James and this overcrowded and stinky situation, and they
decided that King James must be dethroned and all of the game returned to
their natural habitat.
It was the first time in history that the reign was called on account of
Wednesday, January 15, 2003
A businessman on his
deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that
when I die you will have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the
Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, "Now you have
Tuesday, January 14, 2003
A wife sent her husband
and their daughter to the health food store with a carefully prepared
shopping list. They returned with a booty of brussel sprouts, organically
grown tomatoes, wild rice, tofu, veggie burgers and a box of sugar
The man noticed his wife's glare when she pulled out the cookies. So he
said, "Hey, this box of cookies has one-third less sugar AND fat than
"Really? Why is that?" the mother asked.
"We ate a third of the cookies on the way home," he replied.
Monday, January 13, 2003
A dignified old lady was
among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. One
rather risqué, contemporary painting caught her eye.
"What on earth is that?" she inquired of the artist standing nearby.
He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother
and her child."
The little old lady snapped back, "Well, then why isn't it?"
Sunday, January 12, 2003
York man was forced to
take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew
increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to
When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge
only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would
have to return.
"What for?" he snapped at the judge.
His Honor, equally irked by a tedious day and the sharp query, roared,
"Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's what for!"
Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge said, "It's all
right. You don't have to pay now."
The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more
Saturday, January 11, 2003
The Priest and the Rabbi
A rabbi and a priest met
at the town picnic and began their usual "kibitzing."
"This baked ham is just delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You
really should try some. I know it's against your religion, but I can't
understand why such a wonderful thing should be forbidden. You just don't
know what you're missing. You haven't lived until you're tried Mrs.
Kennedy's baked ham. Tell me, when are you going to break down and try a
The rabbi looked at the priest, smiled and said, "At your wedding."
Friday, January 10, 2003
Harry was a natural
compulsive worrier. He finally found a way to overcome the constant
fretting. His friends noticed the dramatic change. "You don't seem to be
worried about anything anymore
and you have more energy."
"I hired a professional
worrier for $1000.00 a week," Jacob replied. "I haven't had a single qualm
"A thousand a week!" said
Sam. "How are you going to pay him?"
"That's his problem."
Thursday, January 9, 2003
The Old Church
crumbling, old church building needed remodeling, so the preacher made an
impassioned appeal, looking directly at the richest may in town. At the
end of the message, the rich man stood up and announced, "Pastor, I will
contribute $1,000." Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck
the rich man on the shoulder.
He promptly stood again and shouted, "Pastor, I will increase my donation
to $5,000." Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again and
he screamed, "Pastor, I will double my last pledge." He sat down and an
even larger chunk of plaster fell, this time hitting him on the head.
He stood once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will give $20,000!" This
prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!"
Wednesday, January 8, 2003
Many Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me.
2. God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends.
3. If They Don't Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain't Going.
4. My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips.
5. Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog.
6. Coffee, Chocolate, Men ... Some Things Are Just Better Rich.
7. Don't Treat Me Any Differently Than You Would The Queen
8. If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In The Kitchen.
9. I'm Out Of Estrogen - And I Have A Gun.
10. Guys Have Feelings Too. But Like...Who Cares?
11. Next Mood Swing: 6 Minutes
12. And Your Point Is?
Tuesday, January 7, 2003
Mahatma Gandhi walked
barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and
hard. He also was a spiritual person. Even when he was not on a hunger
strike, he ate very little and became frail.
Furthermore, due to his diet, he wound up with very bad breath. Therefore,
Gandhi became to be known as a:
"Super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis."
Monday, January 6, 2003
Dr. Leroy, the head
psychiatrist at the local mental hospital, is examining patients to see if
they're cured and ready to re-enter society.
"So, Mr. Clark," the doctor says to one of his patients, "I see by your
chart that you've been recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea
what you might do once you're released?"
The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, "Well, I went to school for
mechanical engineering. That's still a good field, good money there. But
on the other hand, I thought I might write a book about my experience here
in the hospital, what it's like to be a patient here. People might be
interested in reading a book like that. In addition, I thought I might go
back to college and study art history, which I've grown interested
Dr. Leroy nods and says, "Yes, those all sound like intriguing
The patient replies, "And the best part is, in my spare time, I can go on
being a teapot."
Sunday, January 5, 2003
One fine day, a bus
driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the
route. No problems for the first few stops. A few people got on, a few
got off, and things went generally well. At the next stop, however, a big
hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging
down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't
pay!" and sat down at the back. Did I mention that the driver was five
three, thin, and basically meek? Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John,
but he wasn't happy about it.
The next day the same thing happened. Big John got on again, made a big
show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after
that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started losing
sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.
Finally, he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building
courses, karate judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer,
he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about
himself. So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus
and said, "Big John doesn't pay!,"
The driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed "AND WHY
With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a bus
Saturday, January 4, 2003
In A Child's Mind
It was one of the worst
days of my life: The washing machine broke down, the telephone kept
ringing, my head ached, and the mail carrier brought a bill I had no money
Almost to the breaking point, I lifted my one-year-old into his high
chair, leaned my head against the tray, and began to cry. Without a word,
my son took his pacifier out of his mouth and stuck it in mine.
Friday, January 3, 2003
The interviewer examined
the job application then turned to the prospective employee. "I see you
have put ASAP down for the date you are available to start, meaning as
soon as possible, of course.
However, I see you've put AMAP down for required salary. I don't believe
I've ever seen that before, what does it mean?"
The applicant replied, "As Much as Possible!"
Thursday, January 2, 2003
A family who had just
moved into a new neighborhood was anxious to make a good impression. But
the neighbors seemed cold and made no overtures of welcome. The mother
of the brood was overjoyed when finally her youngest son ran in and
announced happily, "Mommy, the lady down the street asked my name today!"
"Oh, how nice!" exclaimed the mother enthusiastically. "And then what did
"Then she gave it to the policeman." the boy said.
A man walks into a
village. He sees a stable and a sign that says "Horses For
Sale." He asks the owner (who is also a priest) if he can buy his
The owner shows him a horse that has been tamed by members
of his parish. The priest tells him the commands. Say "Praise the
Lord" to go and "Amen" to stop.
The man buys the horse
and rides it off into the nearby hills. He sees a cliff ahead of him and
tries to make the horse stop by saying "whoa!" but the horse
keeps running. At the very last moment he remembers and says
"Amen!" The horse stops just at the edge of the cliff. With
a sigh of relief, he says "Praise the Lord!"