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January, 2003

Friday, January 31, 2003

The Zoo

On a trip to the zoo, I took a casual stroll by the cage of a laughing hyena.  A young man was leaning over the bar at the edge of the cage, whispering something in the animal's direction.  As I stepped closer, I heard him say,
"Did you hear the one about..."

Thursday, January 30, 2003

Ashamed

"I'm ashamed of the way we live," a young wife said to her lazy husband who refused to find a job. "My father pays our rent. My mother buys all of our food. My sister buys our clothes. My aunt bought us a car. I'm just so ashamed."  The husband rolled over on the couch.

"You should be ashamed," he agreed. "Those two worthless brothers of yours never give us a cent."

Wednesday, January 29, 2003

Feeling Sorry

Linda and Jill are having coffee when Linda notices that Jill seems troubled and asks her, "Is something bugging you? You look anxious."

"Well, my boyfriend just lost all his money and life savings in the stock market," Jill explained.

"Oh, that's too bad," Linda sympathized. "I'm sure you're feeling sorry for him."

"Yeah, I am," Jill said. "He'll miss me."

Tuesday, January 28, 2003

Metric Conversion

Some believe that the world converting to the METRIC SYSTEM would greatly simplify our measures.

However, look what would happen to our old clichés...

* A miss is as good as 1.6 kilometers.

* Put your best 0.3 of a meter forward.

* Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child.

* Twenty-eight grams of prevention is worth 453 grams of cure.

* Give a man 2.5 centimeters, and he'll take 1.6 kilometers.

* Peter Piper picked 8.8 liters of pickled peppers.

Monday, January 27, 2003

In a Hurry

A woman was waiting in the check-out line at a shopping center. Her arms were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in an extreme hurry, and was not happy about the slowness of the line.

When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Easter!"

"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom, you'll be home in no time."

Sunday, January 26, 2003

Unfair

"Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knows his way around. What's more, he only speaks a few words of English."

The Judge looked at the defendant and asked, "How much English can you speak?"

The defendant looked up and said, "Give me your wallet!"

Saturday, January 25, 2003

I Finally Know Why

In honor of his retirement from the police force, John's wife decided to throw a surprise party for him.

Plans made in secrecy over a two-month period included catering and entertainment decisions as well as travel accommodations for over 100 friends and relatives from around the country. At the party, John stood up to address his guests.  As he looked around the room at everyone who had secretly gathered on his  behalf, he shook his head and said, "After 25 years on the police force, I finally know why I never made detective."

Friday, January 24, 2003

Miniature Crosses

One Sunday our priest announced he was passing out miniature crosses made of palm leaves.  "Put this cross in the room where your family argues most," he advised.  "When you look at it, the cross will remind you that God is watching."

As I was leaving church, the woman in front of me walked up to the priest, shook his hand and said, "I'll take five."

Thursday, January 23, 2003

Horizontal Blizzard

While traveling through Wyoming one winter day, I was experiencing what's called a horizontal blizzard. The snow that had fallen the day before was blowing across the road.

When I stopped for fuel, I remarked on the condition to a man at the gas station. He obviously was a local who had seen a lot of winters.

"Yeah," he said, nodding. We don't get much snow, but what we do get, we use a lot."

Wednesday, January 22, 2003

There's a Noise

One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with a black eye. She claimed she heard a noise in her back yard and went to investigate. The next thing she knew, she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.

An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned 1-1/2 hours later with a black eye.

"Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked.

"No," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."

Tuesday, January 21, 2003

Grandma

In the dim and distant past
When life's tempo wasn't so fast.
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat and baby sit
When the kids were in a jam,
They could always call on Gram.
But today she's in the gym
Exercising to keep slim.
She's checking the web or surfing the net,
Sending some e-mail or placing a bet.
Nothing seems to stop or block her,
Now that Grandma's off her rocker.

Monday, January 20, 2003

Bronze Rat

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown.  Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat.  The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."

"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm.  As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him.  Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him.

By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout.  He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars.

Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run for the bridge.

Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it.

Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.
 
"No," says the tourist, "but I was wondering if you have any bronze lawyers!"

Sunday, January 19, 2003

Bravery

A Texan, trying to impress a Bostonian with tales about the heroes of the Alamo, said, "I'll bet you never had anyone so brave around Boston."

"Ever hear of Paul Revere?" asked the Bostonian.

"Paul Revere?" said the Texan. "Isn't he the guy who ran for help?"

Saturday, January 18, 2003

Things You Don't Want To Hear At A Tattoo Parlor

"Eagle? I thought you said BEAGLE."

"We're all out of red, so I used pink."

"There are 2 Os in Bob, right?"

"I hate it when I get the hiccups."

"Anything else you want to say? You've got plenty of room back here."

"I'll bet you can't tell I've never done this before."

"The flag's all done. You know, those folds of fat make a nice waving effect."

Friday, January 17, 2003

Password Protection

A guy was typing away at his home computer, when his six- year-old daughter sneaked up behind him.

Suddenly, she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, "I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!"

"What is it?" her sisters asked eagerly.

Proudly she replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"

Thursday, January 16, 2003

King James

Once upon a time there was a king named James who reigned over a small country. He was a good and wise king, but he had one very bad habit: King James just loved animals -- all kinds of animals -- and he kept bringing them in the castle with him.

King James had deer and water buffalo and foxes - all sorts of game in every room of the castle. The people of the kingdom finally got fed up with King James and this overcrowded and stinky situation, and they decided that King James must be dethroned and all of the game returned to their natural habitat.

It was the first time in history that the reign was called on account of the game.

Wednesday, January 15, 2003

Last Request

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."

"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"

The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, "Now you have everything!"

Tuesday, January 14, 2003

Less Fat

A wife sent her husband and their daughter to the health food store with a carefully prepared shopping list. They returned with a booty of brussel sprouts, organically grown tomatoes, wild rice, tofu, veggie burgers and a box of sugar cookies.

The man noticed his wife's glare when she pulled out the cookies. So he said, "Hey, this box of cookies has one-third less sugar AND fat than usual!"

"Really? Why is that?" the mother asked.

"We ate a third of the cookies on the way home," he replied.

Monday, January 13, 2003

Art Exhibit

A dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. One rather risqué, contemporary painting caught her eye.

"What on earth is that?" she inquired of the artist standing nearby.

He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child."

The little old lady snapped back, "Well, then why isn't it?"

Sunday, January 12, 2003

Traffic Court

A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return.

"What for?" he snapped at the judge.

His Honor, equally irked by a tedious day and the sharp query, roared, "Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's what for!"

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge said, "It's all right. You don't have to pay now."

The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words!"

Saturday, January 11, 2003

The Priest and the Rabbi

A rabbi and a priest met at the town picnic and began their usual "kibitzing."

"This baked ham is just delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really should try some. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful thing should be forbidden. You just don't know what you're missing. You haven't lived until you're tried Mrs. Kennedy's baked ham. Tell me, when are you going to break down and try a little ham?"

The rabbi looked at the priest, smiled and said, "At your wedding."

Friday, January 10, 2003

Professional Worrier

Harry was a natural compulsive worrier.  He finally found a way to overcome the constant fretting. His friends noticed the dramatic change.  "You don't seem to be worried about anything anymore
and you have more energy."

"I hired a professional worrier for $1000.00 a week," Jacob replied. "I haven't had a single qualm since."

"A thousand a week!" said Sam. "How are you going to pay him?"

"That's his problem."

Thursday, January 9, 2003

The Old Church

The crumbling, old church building needed remodeling, so the preacher made an impassioned appeal, looking directly at the richest may in town.  At the end of the message, the rich man stood up and announced, "Pastor, I will contribute $1,000." Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder.

He promptly stood again and shouted, "Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000." Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again and he screamed, "Pastor, I will double my last pledge." He sat down and an even larger chunk of plaster fell, this time hitting him on the head.

He stood once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will give $20,000!" This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!"

Wednesday, January 8, 2003

 WOMEN'S BUMPER STICKERS

1. So Many Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me.
 
 2. God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends.
 
 3. If They Don't Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain't Going.
 
 4. My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips.
 
 5. Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog.
 
 6. Coffee, Chocolate, Men ... Some Things Are Just Better Rich.
 
 7. Don't Treat Me Any Differently Than You Would The Queen
 
 8. If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In The Kitchen.
 
 9. I'm Out Of Estrogen - And I Have A Gun.
 
 10. Guys Have Feelings Too. But Like...Who Cares?
 
 11. Next Mood Swing: 6 Minutes
 
 12. And Your Point Is?

Tuesday, January 7, 2003

Gandhi

Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He also was a spiritual person. Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he ate very little and became frail.

Furthermore, due to his diet, he wound up with very bad breath. Therefore, Gandhi became to be known as a:
"Super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis."

Monday, January 6, 2003

Cured

Dr. Leroy, the head psychiatrist at the local mental hospital, is examining patients to see if they're cured and ready to re-enter society.

"So, Mr. Clark," the doctor says to one of his patients, "I see by your chart that you've been recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea what you might do once you're released?"

The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, "Well, I went to school for mechanical engineering. That's still a good field, good money there. But on the other hand, I thought I might write a book about my experience here in the hospital, what it's like to be a patient here. People might be interested in reading a book like that. In addition, I thought I might go back to college and  study art history, which I've grown interested in lately."

Dr. Leroy nods and says, "Yes, those all sound like intriguing possibilities."

The patient replies, "And the best part is, in my spare time, I can go on being a teapot."

Sunday, January 5, 2003

Big John

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops.  A few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.  At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.  Did I mention that the driver was five three, thin, and basically meek? Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it.

The next day the same thing happened. Big John got on again, made a big show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.

Finally, he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself. So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!,"

The driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed "AND WHY NOT?!?!"

With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a bus pass."

Saturday, January 4, 2003

In A Child's Mind

It was one of the worst days of my life: The washing machine broke down, the telephone kept ringing, my head ached, and the mail carrier brought a bill I had no money to pay.

Almost to the breaking point, I lifted my one-year-old into his high chair, leaned my head against the tray, and began to cry. Without a word, my son took his pacifier out of his mouth and stuck it in  mine.

Friday, January 3, 2003

AMAP

The interviewer examined the job application then turned to the prospective employee.  "I see you have put ASAP down for the date you are available to start, meaning as soon as possible, of course.

However, I see you've put AMAP down for required salary. I don't believe I've ever seen that before, what does it mean?"

The applicant replied, "As Much as Possible!"

Thursday, January 2, 2003

New Neighbor

A family who had just moved into a new neighborhood was anxious to make a good impression.  But the neighbors seemed cold and made no overtures of  welcome.  The mother of the brood was overjoyed when finally her youngest son ran in and announced happily, "Mommy, the lady down the street asked my name today!"

"Oh, how nice!" exclaimed the mother enthusiastically. "And then what did she do?"
  
"Then she gave it to the policeman."  the boy said.

Whoa!

The owner shows him a horse that has been tamed by members of his parish. The priest tells him the commands. Say "Praise the Lord" to go and "Amen" to stop.

The man buys the horse and rides it off into the nearby hills. He sees a cliff ahead of him and tries to make the horse stop by saying "whoa!" but the horse keeps running. At the very last moment he remembers and says "Amen!" The horse stops just at the edge of the cliff. With a sigh of relief, he says "Praise the Lord!"