Saturday, January 31, 2004
A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name?"
One child answered, "Mary."
The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?"
A little kid said, "Verge."
Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"
The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about Verge n' Mary.
Friday, January 30, 2004
One Sunday a young child
was "acting up" during mass. The parents did their best to maintain some
sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally, the father
picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way
Thursday, January 29, 2004
A pregnant woman gets in
a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months,
when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically
asks the doctor about her baby.
Wednesday, January 28, 2004
A married couple is awakened by
the sound of someone knocking on their door. The husband gets up, opens the
window, and shouts, "Who's there?"
Tuesday, January 27, 2004
I sell new and used computers for
a living. At an exhibit and sale, I decided to give away an old 13-inch monitor
that I had lying around. A woman came by and said, "You're giving this away?
I'll take it!" Then she noticed a 15-inch monitor at the end of my table. "How
much for that one?" she asked.
Monday, January 26, 2004
1. American Express calls and
says: "Leave home without it!"
Sunday, January 25, 2004
A nervous taxpayer was
unhappily conversing with the IRS Tax auditor who had come to review his
records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Mr. Carr, we feel it is a
great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen
you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them
with a smile."
Saturday, January 24, 2004
At a dinner party, the
speaker who was the guest of honor, was about to deliver his speech when
his wife sitting at the other end of the table, sent him a piece of paper
with the word "KISS" scribbled on it.
Friday, January 23, 2004
The photographer for a
national magazine was assigned to get photos of a huge forest fire. Smoke at the
scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home
office to hire a plane. "It will be waiting for you at
Thursday, January 22, 2004
A man walks into a butcher shop and orders a pound of sausages. The butcher prepares the order, then says, "I bet you the price of those sausages that you can't get those pieces of meat down off the shelf behind me."
The man regards the shelf carefully, then says: "I'm not betting . .. . The steaks are too high".
Wednesday, January 21, 2004
How does Janice like being
pregnant?" Bob asked his friend John.
Tuesday, January 20, 2004
Passing by the primate
area one day, a zoo attendant happens to notice a chimpanzee sitting on a
rock with an open book in either hand, looking first at one and then at
the other. Upon closer examination, he identifies the books: the Bible,
and Darwin's "Origin of Species".
Monday, January 19, 2004
A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money.
The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one."
The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."
Sunday, January 18, 2004
A plane took off from
Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the
captain made an announcement over the intercom,
Saturday, January 17, 2004
When an applicant asked if the company had a fitness program, the human resources manager replied, "Oh, our employees don't need one. They are routinely jumping to conclusions, flying off the handle, beating around the bush, running down the boss, going around in circles, dragging their feet, dodging responsibility, passing the buck, climbing the ladder, wading through paperwork, pulling strings, throwing their weight around, stretching the truth, bending the rules, stabbing others in their backs and pushing their luck!"
Friday, January 16, 2004
1. It's more fun to color outside
Thursday, January 15, 2004
school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right
Wednesday, January 14, 2004
A kind-hearted fellow was
walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man,
fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of red roses.
Tuesday, January 13, 2004
My wife and I were touring a
military museum when I started video-taping the World War II airplanes on
display. I moved from aircraft to aircraft, providing narrative for the tape.
Monday, January 12, 2004
On the first day of school,
a teacher asked her class, "Who here is a Mets fan?"
Sunday, January 11, 2004
A big-city counterfeiter decided
the best place to pass off his phony $18 bills would be in some small hick Texas
town. So, he got into his new wheels and off he went.
Saturday, January 10, 2004
The company I work for
offers tours through the historic district of Annapolis, MD, led by guides
dressed in Colonial clothing. While leading a group, one of our guides, Dave,
tripped and fell, breaking his wrist.
Friday, January 9, 2004
Jim had an awful day fishing on
the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On
his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish.
Thursday, January 8, 2004
college freshmen was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She
proudly said, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them!"
Wednesday, January 7, 2004
The huge college freshman
figured he'd try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach.
Tuesday, January 6, 2004
On a flight to Florida, I
was preparing my notes for one of the parent-education seminars I conduct
as an educational psychologist. The elderly woman sitting next to me explained
that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six
children, 18 grandchildren and ten great-grandchildren in Boston. Then she
inquired what I did for a living.
Monday, January 5, 2004
The hit-and-run victim was
just getting to his feet when a policeman ran up to help. "My mother-in-law just
tried to run me over!" the shaken man told the cop.
Sunday, January 4, 2004
At a wedding rehearsal, the minister told the father of the bride, "As
give your daughter's hand to the bridegroom, you should say something
Saturday, January 3, 2004
A man came in to heaven and Saint Peter wanted to go on a vacation so he asked the man to take over while he was away. Saint Peter told the man to give everyone a test before letting them into heaven. Saint Peter left and a man comes floating up and says 'Please let me in to heaven.'
The first man says 'I have to give you a test first'
The man coming into heaven says 'Oh jeez I'm not to good at tests!'
The first man says 'Spell LOVE'
The man says 'OK, L-O-V-E' Then he was let in to heaven.
Then a woman came floating up and said 'Please let me into heaven'
The man said 'Only if you pass this test'
The woman said 'Oh no, I'm not very good at tests'
The man said 'Your test is to spell LOVE'
The woman said 'Oh OK, L-O-V-E' Then she was let in to heaven. The next person that came floating up was the man's wife. She said 'Oh honey let me in to heaven'
The man said 'I have to give everyone a test before I let them in to heaven'
She said 'OK, make it an easy one!!!'
Friday, January 2, 2004
semester when my brother, Peter, attended the University of Minnesota in
Minneapolis, an art-student friend of his asked if he could paint Peter's
portrait for a class assignment. Peter agreed, and the art student
painted and submitted the portrait, only to receive a C minus.
Thursday, January1, 2004
You're convinced that chirping birds are Satan's pets.
Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "stay still."
Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint.
You'd rather have a pencil jammed up your nose than be exposed to sunlight.
You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.
You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.
Your natural response to "Good morning," is "Shut up!"
All day long
your motto is, "Never again."