Saturday, January 31, 2004

Jesus' Dad's Name

A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name?"

One child answered, "Mary."

The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?"

A little kid said, "Verge."

Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"

The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about Verge n' Mary.

Friday, January 30, 2004

Acting Up

One Sunday a young child was "acting up" during mass. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out.

Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"

Thursday, January 29, 2004

Baby Names
A Classic

A pregnant woman gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma.  Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins!  a boy and a girl. Your brother from Maryland came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother... he's an idiot!" She asks  the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise."

"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it!  What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew."

Wednesday, January 28, 2004

Push

A married couple is awakened by the sound of someone knocking on their door. The husband gets up, opens the window, and shouts, "Who's there?"

A voice from below calls out, "Please help. I need a push."

"It's three in the morning," the man hollers. "Get lost before I call the cops!"

His wife rolls over and says, "Honey, you should help that person. Remember when our children got stuck on the highway late that night and that trucker helped?"

The guy sighs, goes downstairs, and calls out, "Hey, do you still need a push?"

"Yes," a voice replies.

"Where are you?"

"Over here, on the swings!"

Tuesday, January 27, 2004

Trade-ins

I sell new and used computers for a living.  At an exhibit and sale, I decided to give away an old 13-inch monitor that I had lying around.  A woman came by and said, "You're giving this away?  I'll take it!"  Then she noticed a 15-inch monitor at the end of my table.  "How much for that one?" she asked.

I told her it was $75.  She looked down for a moment at her free monitor, thought for a moment, and asked, "Do you take trade-ins?"

Monday, January 26, 2004

Signs You Are Broke

1.  American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"
2.  Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.
3.  You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
4.  You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.
5.  Long distance companies don't call you to switch.
6.  You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.
7.  Your rob Peter...and then rob Paul.
8.  You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
9.  You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
10. Your bologna has no first name.

Sunday, January 25, 2004

IRS

A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS Tax auditor who had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Mr. Carr, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA.  As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile."

"Thank goodness," returned Mr. Carr, with a giant grin on his face from ear to ear"   "I thought you were going to want me to pay with cash."

Saturday, January 24, 2004

KISS

At a dinner party, the speaker who was the guest of honor, was about to deliver his speech when his wife sitting at the other end of the table, sent him a piece of paper with the word "KISS" scribbled on it.

A guest seated next to the speaker said, "Your wife has sent you a KISS before you begin your speech. She must love you very much."

The speaker replied, "You don't know my wife. The letters stand for "Keep it short, Stupid."

Friday, January 23, 2004

The Photographer

The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a huge forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. "It will be waiting for you at
the airport!" he was assured by his editor.

As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."

"Why?" asked the pilot.

"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!"

After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"

Thursday, January 22, 2004

The Butcher

A man walks into a butcher shop and orders a pound of sausages. The butcher prepares the order, then says, "I bet you the price of those sausages that you can't get those pieces of meat down off the shelf behind me."

The man regards the shelf carefully, then says: "I'm not betting . .. . The steaks are too high".

Wednesday, January 21, 2004

Expecting

How does Janice like being pregnant?" Bob asked his friend John.
 
"Oh, she's not pregnant," John replied, "she's expecting."
 
"What's the difference?" Bob pressed.
 
"Well, John explained, "She's expecting me to cook dinner, she's expecting me to do the housework, she's expecting me to rub her feet . . ."

Tuesday, January 20, 2004

Trying To Decide

Passing by the primate area one day, a zoo attendant happens to notice a chimpanzee sitting on a rock with an open book in either hand, looking first at one and then at the other.  Upon closer examination, he identifies the books:  the Bible, and Darwin's "Origin of Species".

Curious, he asks the chimp, "What's with the books?"

The chimp replies, "I'm trying to decide whether I'm my brother's keeper, or my keeper's brother."

Monday, January 19, 2004

Wise Customer

A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money.

The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one."

The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."

Sunday, January 18, 2004

Airline Classic

A plane took off from Kennedy Airport.  After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Sit back and relax - AAAHHHHHH!"

Silence.

After a moment, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in
my lap.  You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

Saturday, January 17, 2004

Company Fitness

When an applicant asked if the company had a fitness program, the human resources manager replied, "Oh, our employees don't need one. They are routinely jumping to conclusions, flying off the handle, beating around the bush, running down the boss, going around in circles, dragging their feet, dodging responsibility, passing the buck, climbing the ladder, wading through paperwork, pulling strings, throwing their weight around, stretching the truth, bending the rules, stabbing others in their backs and pushing their luck!"

Friday, January 16, 2004

Really Important Stuff Kids Have Taught Me

1. It's more fun to color outside the lines.

2. If you're going draw on the wall, do it behind the couch.

3. Ask why until you understand.

4. Hang on tight.

5. Even if you've been fishing for 3 hours and haven't gotten anything except poison ivy and a sunburn, you're still better off than the worm.

6. Make up the rules as you go along.

7. It doesn't matter who started it.

8. Ask for sprinkles.

9. If the horse you're drawing looks more like a dog, make it a dog.

10. Save a place in line for your friends.

11. Sometimes you have to take the test before you've finished studying.

12. If you want a kitten, start out asking for a horse.

Thursday, January 15, 2004

Right and Wrong

A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.

"All right children, let's take another example," she said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his billfold with all his money, what would I be?"

Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile, he blurts out, "You'd be his wife!"

Wednesday, January 14, 2004

Gone Fishin' 

A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of red roses.

"Tsk Tsk!" said the passerby to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help." So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked,

"What are you doing, my friend?"

"Fishin', sir."

"Fishin', eh. Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?"

The old man stood put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of vodka and a fine cigar.

His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch today?"

The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, "You are the sixth today, sir!"

Tuesday, January 13, 2004

Look Daddy!

My wife and I were touring a military museum when I started video-taping the World War II airplanes on display.  I moved from aircraft to aircraft, providing narrative for the tape.

At home, I played back the tape on our VCR and was surprised to hear a child's voice in the background.  "Look, Daddy!" she exclaimed, "There's that man talking to himself again." 

Monday, January 12, 2004

Mets Fans

On the first day of school, a teacher asked her class, "Who here is a Mets fan?"

Every student knew that she loved the Mets, so they replied bye raising their hands, except for one girl, Rosie.

The teacher asked, "Who do you like, little girl?" Rosie replied, "I'm a Yankees fan and I hate the Mets."

The teacher asked why and Rosie told her that her parents were Yankees fans, so she was too. The teacher said to the class, "So if Rosie's parents were idiots, what would that make her?"

Rosie chimed in, "A Mets fan!!!"

Sunday, January 11, 2004

Big City Money

A big-city counterfeiter decided the best place to pass off his phony $18 bills would be in some small hick Texas town. So, he got into his new wheels and off he went.

He found a tiny town with a single store. He entered the store and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter. "Can you change this for me, please?" he said.

The store clerk looked at the $18 bill a short time, then smiled  and told the man, "Ah reckon so, Mister. Ya want 2 nines or 3 sixes?"

Saturday, January 10, 2004

Double Take

The company I work for offers tours through the historic district of Annapolis, MD, led by guides dressed in Colonial clothing.  While leading a group, one of our guides, Dave, tripped and fell, breaking his wrist.

He went to the hospital, and as he sat in the emergency room, a policeman walked by.  Doing a double-take at Dave in his 18th-century garb, he asked,

"Just how long have you been waiting?"

Friday, January 9, 2004

A Fisherman's Tale

Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish.

He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?"

"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"

"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."

"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy."

"But why?"

"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight."

Thursday, January 8, 2004

State Capitals

A young college freshmen was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly said, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them!"

Her friend said, "O.K., what's the capital of Wisconsin?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! W."

Wednesday, January 7, 2004

Dumb Jock

The huge college freshman figured he'd try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach.

"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.

"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"

"Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.

"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"

The freshman rolled his eyes, hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."

Tuesday, January 6, 2004

Professional Advice

On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of  the parent-education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist. The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great-grandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what I did for a living.

I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice.  Instead she sat back, picked up a magazine and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."

Monday, January 5, 2004

Hit and Run

The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet when a policeman ran up to help. "My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!" the shaken man told the cop.

"The car hit you from behind," the officer said. "How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?"

"I recognized the laugh!" he replied.

Sunday, January 4, 2004

The Right Words

At a wedding rehearsal, the minister told the father of the bride, "As you give your daughter's hand to the bridegroom, you should say something nice to him."

The father, a grocery-store manager, took the advice.  During the wedding ceremony, he placed the bride's hand on his son-in-law's arm and said, "No deposit, no return."

Saturday, January 3, 2004

Getting Into Heaven

A man came in to heaven and Saint Peter wanted to go on a vacation so he asked the man to take over while he was away. Saint Peter told the man to give everyone a test before letting them into heaven. Saint Peter left and a man comes floating up and says 'Please let me in to heaven.'

The first  man says 'I have to give you a test first'

The man coming into heaven says 'Oh jeez I'm not to good at tests!'

The first man says 'Spell LOVE'

The man says 'OK, L-O-V-E' Then he was let in to heaven.

Then a woman came floating up and said 'Please let me into heaven'

The man said 'Only if you pass this test'

The woman said 'Oh no, I'm not very good at tests'

The man said 'Your test is to spell LOVE'

The woman said 'Oh OK, L-O-V-E' Then she was let in to heaven. The next person that came floating up was the man's wife. She said 'Oh honey let me in to heaven'

The man said 'I have to give everyone a test before I let them in to heaven'

She said 'OK, make it an easy one!!!'

'Spell Czechoslovakia'

Friday, January 2, 2004

Keeping It All In Proportion

One semester when my brother, Peter, attended the University of Minnesota in Minneapolis, an art-student friend of his asked if he could paint Peter's portrait for a class assignment.  Peter agreed, and the art student painted and submitted the portrait, only to receive a C minus.

The art student approached the professor to ask why the grade was so poor.

The teacher told him that the proportions in the painting were incorrect.

"The head is too big," the professor explained.  "The shoulders are too wide, and the feet are enormous."

The next day, the art student brought Peter to see the professor.  He took one look at my brother.  "Okay, A minus," he said.