Welcome
chuckle

January, 2005

Monday,  January 31, 2005

I Don't Think So

The Rev. Billy Graham tells of at time early in his career when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was.

When the boy told him, Rev. Graham  thanked him and said, "If you'll come to the Baptist church  this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get . to Heaven."

"I don't think I'll be there," the boy said.   "You don't even know your way to the post office."

Sunday,  January 30, 2005

The Divorce

Mrs. Miller wanted a divorce. The judge asked, "What fault do you find with your husband?"

"Your Honor, he's a liar, a brute, a thief and a brainless idiot."

"That's very serious," exclaimed his Honor, "Can you prove all that?"

"Prove it? Why everybody knows it."

"If you knew all this, then why did you marry him?"

"I didn't know it before I married him."

The husband shouted, "She did too!"

Saturday,  January 29, 2005

The Camels

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom, why have I got these huge three toed feet?"

The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand."

"OK," said the son.

A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?"

"They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert."

"Thanks Mom," replies the son.

After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these  great big humps on my back?"  The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, "They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods."

"That's great Mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water, but Mom..."

"Yes, son?"

"Why the heck are we in the San Diego zoo?"

Friday,  January 28, 2005

Collect All Four

"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.

"Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."

Thursday,  January 27, 2005

I'm Thor!

The thunder god went for a ride,
upon his favorite filly.
"I'm Thor," he cried.
The horse replied, 
"You forgot your thaddle, thilly."

Wednesday,  January 26, 2005

Instructions

Cousin Elly is the world's worst at getting instructions mixed up. When she got married her husband bought her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers. It had all the latest gadgets on it.

Salesman Riley carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug it in, set the timer, go back to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready." A few weeks later Elly was back in the store and Riley asked her how she liked the coffee maker.

"Wonderful!" she replied, "However, there's one thing I don't understand. Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?"

Tuesday,  January 25, 2005

How'd He Do That?

A young man is reported to have approached the renowned composer Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart (one of the great musical prodigies of all time), and asked, "Herr Mozart, I have the ambition to write symphonies and perhaps you can advise me how to get started."

Mozart said, "The best advice I can give you is to wait until you are older and more experienced, and try your hand at less ambitious pieces to begin with."

The young man looked astonished. "But, Herr Mozart, you yourself wrote symphonies when you were considerably younger than I."

"Ah," said Mozart, "but I did so without asking advice."

Monday,  January 24, 2005

If Men Ruled The World...

...Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.

...Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response To "I love you."

...Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

Sunday,  January 23, 2005

I Didn't Like It

A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink, and he said, "No thanks - I don't drink. I tried it once but I didn't like it!"

So the bartender said, "Well would you like a cigarette?"

But the man said, "No, I don't smoke. I tried it once but I didn't like it!"

The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, "No I don't like pool; I tried it once but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."

The bartender said, "Your only son, I presume?"

Saturday,  January 22, 2005

The Speeding Ticket

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair. There were plenty of other cars around me going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"

"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.
 
"Ummm, yeah... so," the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch ALL the fish?"

Friday,  January 21, 2005

Expecting

A young private sought permission from his Commanding Officer to leave camp the following weekend.  "You see," he explained, "my wife's expecting."

"Oh..." said the Officer, "I understand.  Go ahead and tell your wife that I wish her luck."

The following week the same soldier was back again with the same explanation: "My wife's expecting."

The Officer looked surprised.  "Still expecting?" he said, "Well, well, my boy, you must be pretty bothered.  Of course you can have the week-end off."

When the same soldier appeared again the third week, however, the Officer lost his temper.  "Don't tell me your wife is still expecting!" he bellowed.

"Yes sir!" said the soldier resolutely, "She's still  expecting."

"What in heaven is she expecting?" cried the Officer.

"Me." said the soldier simply.

Thursday,  January 20, 2005

The Watch

A judge was instructing the jury that a witness was not necessarily to be regarded as untruthful because he changed his statement after he gave it to the police.

"For example," he said, "when I entered my chambers today, I was positive that I had my gold watch in my pocket. But then I remembered that I left in on the nightstand in my bedroom."

When the judge returned home that evening, his wife asked him "Why so much urgency for your watch? Isn't sending three men to pick it up for you a bit extreme?"

"What?" said the judge, "I didn't send anyone for my watch, let alone three people. What did you do?"

"I gave it to the first one," said the wife, "funny, he knew exactly where it was."

Wednesday,  January 19, 2005

Auto Repairs

An auto mechanic received a repair order that read: "Check for clunking sound when going around corners."

Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn, and a moment later he heard a 'clunk.' He then made a left turn and again heard a 'clunk.'

Back at the shop he opened the car's trunk, and soon discovered the problem. Promptly he returned the repair order to the service manager with the notation, "Removed bowling ball from trunk".

Tuesday,  January 18, 2005

Liver and Cheese

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman, and a Bulldog are in a doggie bar having a drink when a good-looking female Collie comes up to them and says," Whoever can say liver and cheese  in a sentence, will get to take me out on a date!

 So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese."

 The Collie says, "That's not good enough."

 The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese."

 She says, " That's not creative."

 Finally, the Chihuahua says, " Liver alone..........cheese mine."

Monday,  January 17, 2005

Useful Metric Conversions

We Americans (defined as residents of the USA) frequently have problems with metric conversions. In an attempt to clarify the conversion process I now submit some "Useful Metric Conversions."

1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
10 cards = 1 decacards
1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
10 rations = 1 decoration
100 rations = 1 C-ration
10 millipedes = 1 centipede
3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
2 monograms = 1 diagram
8 nickels = 2 paradigms
2 wharves = 1 paradox

I hope this proves a useful tool.

Sunday,  January 16, 2005

Eggs

My mother went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.

"Sounds good," my mom said. "However, I don't want the eggs."

"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.

You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" My mother asked incredulously. "Then I'll take the special."

"How do you want your eggs?"

Raw and in the shell," my mom replied. She took the two eggs home.

Saturday,  January 15, 2005

Taxes

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.

"Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said.  "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."

"The same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."

Friday,  January 14, 2005

The Worst Job

"Say, Bill," a man said to his pal, "how do you like your new job?"

"It's the worst job I ever had."

"How long have you been there?"

"About three months."

"Why don't you quit?"

"No way.  This is the first time in 20 years that I've looked forward to going home."

Thursday,  January 13, 2005

Tax Audit

A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS Tax auditor who had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Mr. Carr, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile."

"Thank goodness," returned Mr. Carr, with a giant grin on his face from ear to ear, "I thought you were going to want me to pay with cash."

Wednesday,  January 12, 2005

Frank's Place

The guy was lonely, and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?"  But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to Frank's Place and having a drink with me?" 

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?" 

A little voice came out of the box:

"I heard you the first time! I'M PUTTING ON MY SHOES!!."

Tuesday,  January 11, 2005

Lost in the YMCA

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.

The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter -- haven't  you ever seen a little boy before?"

Monday,  January 10, 2005

His Lines

Little Johnny's father was a pastor in a small church. One day, his father told Little Johnny that a very important bishop was coming and that he would be staying with them. Little Johnny became very excited and asked his father if he would get to meet him.  His father thought about this and decided that he would let Little Johnny bring the bishop
tea in the morning and wake him up. Little Johnny agreed to do this and was very excited.

His father gave him instructions: first, knock on the door of the bishops room and then say to him "It's the boy, my Lord, it's time to get up."

Little Johnny was very excited and rehearsed his lines repeating them over and over. Finally the day came and Little Johnny had learned all his lines. He went to the door and knocked. He was so excited and nervous though that his lines got mixed up and the boy said, "It's the Lord, my boy, and your time is up!"

Sunday,  January 9, 2005

Bernard

Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at four forty four a.m. by his ringing telephone. . .

"Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an angry voice.

Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up.

The next morning at precisely four forty four a.m., Bernard called his neighbor back.

"Good morning, Mr. Williams" said Bernard, "I just called to say that I don't have a dog."

Saturday,  January 8, 2005

Without Bias

A Judge addressed the court, at the start of a case: "I have to declare an interest in this case. Last week, the plaintiff sent me a check for $10,000 to find in his favor.

Two days later, I received $20,000 from the defendant to find in his favor.

I have therefore sent $10,000 back to the defendant and can try the case without bias."

Friday,  January 7, 2005

Little Johnny

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days.  Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.

"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.

"Great," Little Johnny replied.

"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.

"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny  excitedly, "especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"

Thursday,  January 6, 2005

Computer Crash

Because I don't have a personal computer, I use one at my local library. One day I urgently needed to research something, so I hastily put on my gloves and helmet and jumped on my bike to head over to the building. Dashing into the library, I sat down and started to work. 

Moments later another library patron approached me.  "Excuse me," he said.  "I've heard of computers crashing, but  this is the first time I've ever seen anybody wearing a helmet."

Wednesday,  January 5, 2005

I'll Die For You!

A tom cat and a tabby cat were courting on a back fence at night.

The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred... "I'll die for you!"

The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and asked,

"How many times?".

Tuesday,  January 4, 2005

Who Dun' It ?

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also  had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests...I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!! There was  one guy in the pool swimming with all he could...the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed.

The millionaire was impressed. He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain...which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?"

The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the guy who pushed me in!!!

Monday,  January 3, 2005

Bear Hunters Classic

Two men went bear hunting.  While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.  He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.

When the enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.  He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.  Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.

Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"

Sunday,  January 2, 2005

Texas

A Texan is bragging to a Rhode Islander. "In Texas," he drawls, "you can get on a train, ride all day long, and still be in Texas by nightfall."

"Yeah", replies the Yankee, "We have slow trains in Rhode Island too."

Saturday,  January 1, 2005

Intersections

In seeking out America's most dangerous intersections, State Farm Insurance researchers came across some intersections whose street names, when taken together, made them chuckle.  Here are their favorites.

Hickory and Dockery Avenues, where they intersect with Dock Street in Harahan, La.

Antonio and Banderas in Rancho Santa Margarita, Calif.

Ho and Hum Roads in Carefree, Ariz.

Grinn and Barret in West Chester, Ohio.