Monday, January 31, 2005
Rev. Billy Graham tells of at time early in his career when he arrived in
a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a
young boy where the post office was.
"I don't think I'll be there," the boy said. "You don't even know your way to the post office."
Sunday, January 30, 2005
Mrs. Miller wanted a divorce. The judge asked, "What fault do you find with your husband?"
"Your Honor, he's a liar, a
brute, a thief and a brainless idiot."
Saturday, January 29, 2005
A mother and baby camel are
talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom, why have I got these huge three
Friday, January 28, 2005
"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman
handed him a speeding ticket.
Thursday, January 27, 2005
thunder god went for a ride,
Wednesday, January 26, 2005
Cousin Elly is the world's worst at getting instructions mixed up. When she got married her husband bought her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers. It had all the latest gadgets on it.
Salesman Riley carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug it in, set the timer, go back to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready." A few weeks later Elly was back in the store and Riley asked her how she liked the coffee maker.
"Wonderful!" she replied, "However, there's one thing I don't understand. Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?"
Tuesday, January 25, 2005
A young man is reported to have
approached the renowned composer Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart (one of the great
musical prodigies of all time), and asked, "Herr Mozart, I have the ambition to
write symphonies and perhaps you can advise me how to get started."
Monday, January 24, 2005
...Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your
call to her real number.
Sunday, January 23, 2005
A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink, and he said, "No thanks - I don't drink. I tried it once but I didn't like it!"
So the bartender said, "Well would you like a cigarette?"
But the man said, "No, I don't smoke. I tried it once but I didn't like it!"
The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, "No I don't like pool; I tried it once but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."
The bartender said, "Your only son, I presume?"
Saturday, January 22, 2005
A man was speeding down the
highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed.
However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed
detector and was pulled over.
Friday, January 21, 2005
young private sought permission from his Commanding Officer to leave camp
the following weekend. "You see," he explained, "my wife's expecting."
Thursday, January 20, 2005
judge was instructing the jury that a witness was not necessarily to be
regarded as untruthful because he changed his statement after he gave it
to the police.
Wednesday, January 19, 2005
mechanic received a repair order that read: "Check for clunking sound when going
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a
Doberman, and a Bulldog are in a doggie bar having a drink when a good-looking
female Collie comes up to them and says," Whoever can say liver and cheese
in a sentence, will get to take me out on a date!
Monday, January 17, 2005
We Americans (defined as residents of the USA) frequently have problems with metric conversions. In an attempt to clarify the conversion process I now submit some "Useful Metric Conversions."
1 million microphones = 1
I hope this proves a useful tool.
Sunday, January 16, 2005
went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special" was two eggs,
bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.
Saturday, January 15, 2005
A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.
"Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."
"The same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."
Friday, January 14, 2005
"Say, Bill," a man said to his
pal, "how do you like your new job?"
Thursday, January 13, 2005
nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS Tax auditor who had
come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Mr. Carr,
we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA.
As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to
eagerly pay them with a smile."
Wednesday, January 12, 2005
The guy was lonely, and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to Frank's Place and having a drink with me?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?"
A little voice came out of the box:
"I heard you the first time! I'M PUTTING ON MY SHOES!!."
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room.
When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing
towels and running for cover.
Monday, January 10, 2005
Johnny's father was a pastor in a small church. One day, his father told
Little Johnny that a very important bishop was coming and that he would be
staying with them. Little Johnny became very excited and asked his father
if he would get to meet him. His father thought about this and decided
that he would let Little Johnny bring the bishop
Sunday, January 9, 2005
who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at four
forty four a.m. by his ringing telephone. . .
Saturday, January 8, 2005
A Judge addressed the court, at the start of a case: "I have to declare an interest in this case. Last week, the plaintiff sent me a check for $10,000 to find in his favor.
Two days later, I received $20,000 from the defendant to find in his favor.
I have therefore sent $10,000 back to the defendant and can try the case without bias."
Friday, January 7, 2005
Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally
his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.
Thursday, January 6, 2005
don't have a personal computer, I use one at my local library. One day I
urgently needed to research something, so I hastily put on my gloves and
helmet and jumped on my bike to head over to the building. Dashing into
the library, I sat down and started to work.
Wednesday, January 5, 2005
A tom cat
and a tabby cat were courting on a back fence at night.
"How many times?".
Tuesday, January 4, 2005
Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests...I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"
As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could...the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed.
The millionaire was impressed. He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain...which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?"
The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the guy who pushed me in!!!
Monday, January 3, 2005
went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out
looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only
Sunday, January 2, 2005
is bragging to a Rhode Islander. "In Texas," he drawls, "you can get on a
train, ride all day long, and still be in Texas by nightfall."
Saturday, January 1, 2005
seeking out America's most dangerous intersections, State Farm Insurance
researchers came across some intersections whose street names, when taken
together, made them chuckle. Here are their favorites.