Tuesday, January 31, 2006
everyone in our office was in high spirits, and Marshall, a sales rep, was
making the rounds, joking and teasing us all. When he stopped in front of
a new employee's desk, she braced herself.
Monday, January 30, 2006
businessman was feeling very ill and went to the doctor.
Sunday, January 29, 2006
One day at the
veterinarian's office where I take my cat, a man and the receptionist were
Saturday, January 28, 2006
A man wrote a
letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his
Friday, January 27, 2006
The Lone Ranger and Tonto
The Lone Ranger and Tonto stopped in the desert for the night. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"
Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber than buffalo pies. It means someone stole tent."
Thursday, January 26, 2006
A guy walked into a
little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash
drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle
of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the
cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said,
"...because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but
the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him.
At this point, the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and
gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man
was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran
from the store with his loot.
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
takes his place in the theater for opening night, but his seat is way back
in the theater, far from the stage. The man calls an usher over and
whispers, ''I just love a good mystery, and I have been anxiously
anticipating the opening of this play. However, in order to carefully
follow the clues and fully enjoy the play, I have to watch a mystery close
up. Look how far away I am! If you can get me a better seat, I'll give you
a handsome tip.''
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
A man decides to
take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat. The
wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her
rear. She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to
drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the
stuck seat, and they go.
Monday, January 23, 2006
A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but they always had a somewhat lively effect on him. After he met the woman of his dreams, he made the supreme sacrifice and gave them up; he couldn't imagine subjecting his new wife to his beastly emissions.
On his birthday, his car broke down, so he called his wife and told her he'd have to walk home. He walked past a cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he was still a couple of miles from home, he figured he could indulge, and then walk off any ill effects. So he had three extra-large helpings of beans, and he "put-putted" all the way home.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"
She blindfolded him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table, making him promise not to peek. At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang and she went to answer it.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He gasped and felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. This one sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. He tried flapping his arms, to clear the air. But another one snuck out, and the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.
When he heard his wife ending her conversation, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. He was the picture of innocence when she walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. He assured her he had not, so she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
Sunday, January 22, 2006
A policeman was on patrol when he came upon a line of cars stopped at a light with horns blasting. The light directing that lane of traffic was green. He pulled out of line and stopped alongside of the first car in line to see what the problem was.
The car was driven by an elderly woman. He asked her why she was stopped when the light was green.
She said, "Oh, because I'm on my way to my sister's house which is that way." and she pointed to the right.
The motorcycle cop said, "Well go ahead! The light is green."
The elderly woman responded with, "Yes I know, but the sign under the light says 'RIGHT TURN ON RED.'
Saturday, January 21, 2006
On a cruise to
Alaska, I saw my very first glacier in the magnificent Inside Passage.
Excitedly, I asked the ship's officer what it was called.
Friday, January 20, 2006
Needing some clothes
cleaned in a hurry, a man searched the small Georgia town in which he was
visiting until he found a sign which read: "Cleaning and Pressing, 24-Hour
Thursday, January 19, 2006
Having many legal
problems, including a divorce, a man had become thoroughly disgusted with
lawyers in general.
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
My friend Judy was
working at a Maine costal resort when she answered a call for information
about the inn. After finishing the conversation, Judy stepped away from
the desk. When the phone rang again, a student intern took the call.
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
A man was chosen for
jury duty who very much wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried
every excuse he could think of but none of them worked. On the day of the
trial he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin
he asked if he could approach the bench.
Monday, January 16, 2006
At a golf course,
four men approached the sixteenth tee. The straight fairway ran along a
road and bike path fenced off on the left. The first golfer teed off and
hooked the ball in that direction. The ball went over the fence and
bounced off the bike path onto the road, where it hit the tire of a moving
bus and was knocked back on to the fairway. As they all stood in
amazement, one man asked him, "How on earth did you do that?"
Sunday, January 15, 2006
Having moved 5 times in 37 years I appreciate movers who take
the time to label carefully boxes they pack for us.
Saturday, January 14, 2006
Albert arrives at a
party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What
is your IQ?" to which the man answers, "241."
Thursday, January 12, 2006
One Sunday our
priest announced he was passing out miniature crosses made of palm leaves.
"Put this cross in the room where your family argues most," he advised.
"When you look at it, the cross will remind you that God is watching."
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
A friend and her
young son, Reid, were browsing in a large bookstore. Engrossed in making a
selection, my friend had lost sight of her child. "Reid!" she called out,
noticing the boy was missing. "Reid!"
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
A man put his fifty
cents in a vending machine and watched helplessly while the cup failed to
appear and a nozzle sent coffee down the drain while another poured cream
Monday, January 9, 2006
The Sunday school
teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the
false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood
upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar.
Sunday, January 8, 2006
A visitor to Texas
once asked, "Does it ever rain out here?"
Saturday, January 7, 2006
Mother decided that
10-year-old Cathy should get something 'practical' for her birthday.
Friday, January 6, 2006
particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and
started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a
policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about
twenty minutes ago?"
Thursday, January 5, 2006
A man came home from
an exhausting day at work, plopped down on the couch in front of the
television, and told his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts!"
Wednesday, January 4, 2006
Three preachers sat
discussing the best positions for prayer while a telephone repairman
Tuesday, January 3, 2006
mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him,
"How do you expect to get into heaven?"
Monday, January 2, 2006
I'm a high-school
geometry teacher, and I started one lesson on triangles by reading a
theorem. "If an angle is an exterior angle of a triangle, then its measure
is greater than the measure of either of its corresponding remote
Sunday, January 1, 2006
A man lay
sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher
came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're
only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became
impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call
the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who
turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.
Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony."