Second Opinion

A man has not been feeling well and goes to the doctor for a check up. After the physical examination and a battery of blood tests and X-rays, he asks the doctor about his situation.

The doctor replies, "You are very sick. You might not live longer than perhaps three or four months."

The man, in despair, yet, with a glimpse of hope says, "If you don't mind, doctor, I would like to have a second opinion."

"Okay," the doctor answers, "you're ugly, too!"

Change

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."

The next class the professor handed the tests back out. The student got back his test and $64 change.

51 Years Ago
PG-13

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared
off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a  toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.  

Learning Math
PG-13

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."

" And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.

"Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"

How to Talk to Your Spouse

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: I'm with you, honey, those guys are the scum of the earth.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of vegetables left.
SAFEST: Can I get you something to drink with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that bathrobe.

Flying

As a new commercial pilot, I found that most of my time and energy was put into learning how to fly a jet. I could see that my fiancée's patience was wearing thin because I had little time to spend with her. It became even worse when our spring wedding clashed with a new series of required training flights that would take me abroad for more than a month. At my suggestion we decided to marry sooner.

The day was perfect, with no talk of flying. My heart melted as I watched her walk up the aisle to stand next to me. But as we recited our vows, I looked into her eyes and said, "With this wing, I thee wed."

Going To The Bank

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic. "Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"

Last Request

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."

"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"

The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, 'Now you have everything.'"

Basic Facts

A man had his first appointment with a psychiatrist and when asked why he was there, the man said, "Doctor, I'm tired of being on the outside looking in."

"Well," responded the doctor, "sounds like we have to try to improve your self-image. Let's get a few basic facts first. What do you do for a living?"

The patient said, "I'm a window washer."

Puzzled

"The young army doctor was stationed at a remote dispensary in the South Pacific. One day he was puzzled about treatment for one of his patients. He radioed a base hospital:

'Have case of beriberi. What shall I do?'

A prankster got hold of the message. This was the reply:

'Give it to the Marines. They'll drink anything.'

Five Surgeons

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." 

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded." 

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order." 

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would." 

Cannibals

Five cannibals get appointed as engineers in a defense company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says, "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat. So please don't trouble any of the other employees". 

The cannibals promised.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?"

The cannibals all shake their heads no.

After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, "Which of you idiots ate the janitor?"

A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replies, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Supervisors and Managers and no one noticed anything, and you have to go and eat the janitor!"

Black Eye

One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with a black eye. She claimed she heard a noise in her back yard and went to investigate. The next thing she knew, she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.

An officer was sent to her house to investigate. He returned a half hour later with a black eye.

"Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked.

"No," he said. "I stepped on the same rake."

You Gotta Help Me!

There once was a lady who was very concerned about her missing parrot. Not knowing what to do, she called 911. "You gotta help me find my parrot!"

The operator patiently replied, "We can't help you with that, ma'am. This number only deals with emergencies."

But the lady persisted, and then the operator told her not to be concerned, that the parrot should fly back in a few days.

Then, out of desperation, the lady begged, "But you don't understand! The only thing he says is "Here, kitty, kitty!!!"

Duh!

An absent-minded husband thought he had conquered his problem of trying to remember his wife's birthday and their anniversary. He opened an account with a florist, provided that florist with the dates and instructions to send flowers to his wife on these dates along with an appropriate note signed, "Your loving husband."

His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention and all went well until one day, some bouquets later, when he came home, kissed his wife and said off-handedly, "Nice flowers, honey. Where'd you get them?"

RUN!

A small social club was trying to organize a baseball team. They could only muster eight players, but finally found a ninth to play.

In desperation, they called on a new member, an Englishman, to join their team. During their first game, the Englishman came to bat. On the first pitch, he knocked the ball out of the park. "Run!" his teammates cried. "For Pete's sake, run!"

The Brit turned and stared at them icily. "I jolly well shan't run," he replied. "Why should I? I'm perfectly willing to buy you chaps another ball."

The New Pastor

A church had to hire a new pastor. Over the protests of one vocal male member a woman was hired as the new senior pastor. After the new pastor had been there a few weeks, a member of the congregation offered to take the new pastor fishing. The vocal objector reluctantly agreed to allow them to use his boat and to go along.

The trio got into the boat and motored out on the lake. When they got ready to fish, they realized that all their tackle had been left on the dock. One of the men commented that he guess they would just have to go back and get it.

The pastor said that wouldn't be necessary, and she got out of the boat and started walking across the water toward the dock.

The old grouch said, "See I told you we never should have hired that woman. She can't even swim."

Be Careful What You Wish For

A 60 year old couple was celebrating their 40 years of marriage. During the celebration a fairy appeared! "Because you have been such a loving couple all those years, I would like to give you each one wish."

The wife quickly chimed in, "I want to travel around the world." The fairy waved her wand and, POOF! She had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a wife 30 years younger than me." The fairy picked up her wand and, POOF! He was 90.

A Cab?

While working as a corrections officer at a maximum-security prison, I was assigned to the guest area one day to monitor the inmates and their visitors.

I received a call from the reception desk and was told there was a cab waiting for one of the visitors.

Sticking my head into the room, I announced, "Did anyone call for a cab?"

About 40 inmates immediately raised their hands.

Heart Surgery

A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds. "Excuse me," he said, "have you lost something?"

"No," replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a heart transplant for a lawyer and want to find a suitable rock."

Most Important Question

In a remote village in Sierra Leone, West Africa, I befriended Alpha, one of the local men on our building crew. Alpha was impressed with my tool set and was amazed to find a woman working construction. He'd bring extra rice and greens for lunch, and we'd sit and talk.

He asked about my husband, and I told him I wasn't married. Alpha said he wanted sons and that he'd marry soon. He wondered whether I'd stay in his country, and then he surprised me by saying he had an important question for me.

I was nervous about his impending marriage proposal, and the next day Alpha was solemn as he asked me if I was ready to answer his question.

I nodded. "When you go back to America," he said, "may I have your trowel?"

Little Red Wagon

Two men sitting side by side in a 747 plane started to talk. One explained he had never flown before. They left the airport in N.Y.City headed for Los Angeles, Ca. They landed in Chicago, whereupon a little red truck pulled up and refueled the plane. They again landed to refuel at Denver, Co. The little red truck pulled up to the plane and refueled it. As they were about to land at their destination the veteran flier pointed out to the novice what great time they had made.

The novice said, " Yes they had made good time, but that little red wagon wasn't doing bad either".

Little Johnny

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers. "Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."

"Good. What comes after three."

"Four," answers the boy.

"What comes after six?"

"Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job.

What comes after ten?"

"A jack," says the kid.

Your Weight?

My mother is on staff at the Department of Motor Vehicles, and one day a close friend of hers came in to apply for a driver's license. While entering the information into a computer, my mom noticed the woman had given 150 pounds as her weight. Knowing she weighed considerably more, my mom commented, "You're putting down your weight as 150?"

"If a policeman pulls me over," her friend said with a grin,

"that's the part of me he'll see."

Taste

The psychiatrist was interviewing a first-time patient. "You say you're here," he inquired, "because your family is worried about your taste in socks?"

"That's correct," muttered the patient. "I like wool socks."

"But that's perfectly normal," replied the doctor. "Many people prefer wool socks to those made from cotton or acrylic. In fact, I myself like wool socks."

"You DO?" exclaimed the man. "With oil and vinegar or just a squeeze of lemon?"

Marriage Counselor

A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it's all different. I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking."

"Why complain?" said the counselor, "You're still getting the same service."

Church Pencils

The little church in the suburbs suddenly stopped buying from its regular office supply dealer. So, the dealer telephoned Deacon Brown to ask why. "I'll tell you why," scolded Deacon Brown. "Our church ordered some pencils from you to be used in the pews for visitors to register."

"Well, interrupted the dealer, "didn't you receive them yet?"

"Oh, we received them all right," replied Deacon Brown.

"However, you sent us some golf pencils...each stamped with the words, 'Play Golf Next Sunday.'"

A New Father

One night a wife found her husband standing over their newborn baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of

emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arms around her husband.

"A penny for your thoughts," she whispered in his ear.

"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50!"