Quittin' Time

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.

After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.

The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."

The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."

An Attachment

Two elderly women were trying on shoes in our store. When I slipped a shoe onto one woman's foot, the end of my tie got caught beneath her heel. Unaware of my predicament, she stood up and started toward the mirror.

For a few seconds, I found myself crawling along the floor beside her, trying to get her attention.

"Look, Martha," her friend said. "He wants to go home with you!"

Every time a new Pope is elected, there's a whole lot of rituals and ceremonies that have to be gone through, in accordance with tradition. Well there's one tradition that very few people know about.

Shortly after the new Pope is enthroned, the Chief Rabbi seeks an audience. He is shown into the Pope's presence, whereupon he presents him with a silver tray bearing a velvet cushion. On top of the cushion is an ancient, shriveled parchment envelope.

The Pope symbolically stretches out his arm in a gesture of rejection.

The Chief Rabbi then retires, taking the envelope with him and does not return until the next Pope is elected. John Paul II was intrigued by this ritual, whose origins were unknown to him. He instructed the best scholars of the Vatican to research it, but they came up with nothing. When the time came and the Chief Rabbi was shown into his presence, he faithfully enacted the ritual rejection but, as the Chief Rabbi turned to leave, he called him back.

"My brother," the Holy Father whispered, "I must confess that we Catholics are ignorant of the meaning of this ritual enacted for centuries between us and you, the representative of the Jewish people. I have to ask you, what is it all about?"

The Chief Rabbi shrugs and replies: "But we have no more idea than you do. The origin of the ceremony is lost in the traditions of ancient history."

The Pope said: "Let us retire to my private chambers and enjoy a glass of wine together, then, with your agreement, we shall open the envelope and discover at last the secret."

The Chief Rabbi agreed.

Fortified in their resolve by the wine, they gingerly pried open the curling parchment envelope and with trembling fingers, the Chief Rabbi reached inside and extracted a folded sheet of similarly ancient paper. As the Pope peered over his shoulder, he slowly opened it.

They both gasped with shock.

It was the check for the Last Supper.

I Need A Raise

The End is Near

A priest and pastor from the local parishes were standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that read,

"The End is Near! Turn yourself
around now before it's too late!"

They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car. As the first driver sped past, he yelled, "Leave us alone you religious nuts!"

From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.

One clergy said to the other, "Do you think we should just put up a sign that says, 'Bridge Out' instead?"

Office Hours

"So tell me, Mrs. Smith," asked the interviewer, "have you any other skills you think might be worth mentioning?"

"Actually, yes," said the applicant modestly. "Last year I had two short stories published in national magazines, and I finished my novel."

"Very impressive," he commented, "but I was thinking of skills you could apply during office hours."

Mrs. Smith explained brightly, "Oh, but that WAS during office hours."

Misdirection!

A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular local bar, hoping for a bust. At closing time, as everyone came out, he spotted his potential quarry. The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car. After trying his keys on five others, he finally found his own vehicle. He sat in the car a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on, then off. He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped. Finally when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away.

The Patrolman, just waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise, the man blew a 0.00!

The Patrolman was dumbfounded! "This equipment must be broken!" exclaimed the Patrolman.

"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the Designated Decoy."

Waste Of Time

A hillbilly was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation. Watching the doctor's every move, he asked, "What's that?"

The doctor explained, "This is an anesthetic. After he gets this he won't know a thing."

"Save your time, Doc," exclaimed the man. "He don't know nothing now."

The Ultimate Enemy

A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the doors, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?" Persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."

As I Get Older

Mary and Jane are old friends. They have both been married to their husbands for a long time; Mary is upset because she thinks her husband doesn't find her attractive anymore.

"As I get older he doesn't bother to look at me!" Mary cries.

"I'm so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I get more beautiful every day." replies Jane.

"Yes, but your husband's an antique dealer!"

Missed The Call

The Pastor asked an energetic young man to help him fill some vacancies in the Sunday School teaching roster. After looking over the church roll and determining who was available, he asked one man if he would help the Pastor by teaching a class of young boys.

The man responded saying, "Let me think about it and pray over it. I'll let you know."

After a week without the man's response, the man was asked again if he would take the job of teaching the young boys.

Again, the man replied, "Let me think and pray about it. I'll let you know."

After another week and still no response, when the man was asked again if he would teach the class of young boys, he replied, "I don't think I can take the class, because I don't think I am being called to teach."

The young man replied, "What do you mean you aren't called to teach? I've called you three times myself."

Talking Dog

A guy walks into a talent agency with a dog, and says "I've got a great act...my dog can actually talk."

"Surrrre he can," replies the talent agent, "prove it."

So the fellow asks the dog, "What is on top of a building?" "Roof, roof!" the dog replies.

"What does sandpaper feel like?" "Rough, rough!" the dog replies.

The talent agent starts to get impatient as the man asks  his dog, "Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?"

"Ruth, Ruth!" says the dog.

Instantly the talent agent throws open the door, and kicks the pair out f his office.

After a few seconds, the dog looks up at his master and says,  "Should I have said DiMaggio?"

As the foreman was inspecting the workmen on site, he was surprised to find one worker hanging from a rope in the middle of the room repeating, "I'm a chandelier, I'm a chandelier."

The foreman gives him a stern talking to as the other men watched and orders him back to work.

During his next inspection of the same room, again the worker is hanging from the rope doing exactly what he was told not to. Furious at his disobedience the foreman fires him on the spot. To his surprise every worker in the room begins packing up their tools and leaving.

He stops one worker and says, "Why are all of you leaving?"

To which the reply is "You don't expect us to work without light do you?"

Joe's Job

Joe, the Governor's most trusted assistant, died in his sleep one night. The Governor had depended on Joe for advice on every subject, from pending bills to wardrobe decisions. In addition, Joe had been his closest friend. So, it was understandable that the Governor didn't take kindly to the droves of ambitious office seekers who wanted Joe's job.

"They don't even have the decency to wait until the man is buried," the Governor muttered.

At the funeral, one eager beaver made his way to the Governor's side. "Governor," the man said, "Is there a chance that I could take Joe's place?"

"Certainly," the governor replied. "But you'd better hurry. I think the undertaker is almost finished."

The Softball Manager

As the manager of our hospital's softball team, I was responsible for returning equipment to the proper owners at the end of the season. When I walked into the surgery department carrying a bat that belonged to one of the surgeons, I passed several patients and their families in a waiting area.

I heard one man say to his wife, "Look, honey, here comes your anesthesiologist."

Stone's Throw

A vacationer e-mailed a seaside hotel to ask its location. "It's only a stone's throw away from the beach," he was told.

"But how will I recognize it?" asked the man.

The reply was, "It's the one with all the broken windows."

Dry?

An Irishman's wife calls the doctor, stating that her husband has taken ill. The doctor asks if she had taken his temperature; she replied that she hadn't but would and then call back.

When she hadn't called within a half hour, the doctor called and asked her what had happened. She said, "Well, I didn't have a thermometer, so I put a barometer on his chest and it said dry, so I gave him a pint and he went off to work!"

The Family Tree

In my search of the family tree, it was pretty exciting to learn my great-grandparents in the Appalachian Mountains were pioneers in iron and steel. I could hardly stand the excitement until I learned the truth that Great-Grandma stayed home and ironed while 

Great-Grandpa went off to steal.

"You Gotta Help Me"

There once was a lady who was very concerned about her missing parrot. Not knowing what to do, she called 911.

"You gotta help me find my parrot!"

The operator patiently replied, "We can't help you with that, ma'am. This number only deals with emergencies."

But the lady persisted, and then the operator told her not to be concerned, that the parrot should fly back in  a few days. Then, out of desperation, the lady begged, "But you don't understand! The only thing he says is  "Here, kitty, kitty!!!"

A Normal Person

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Legally Speaking

A man can't find a lawyer, so he grabs the yellow pages and picks out a law firm ---Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz & Schwartz.

He calls up and says, "Is Mr. Schwartz in?"

The guy says, "No, he's out playing golf."

He says, "All right, then let me speak to Mr. Schwartz."

"He's not with the firm any more, he's retired."

"Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz."

"He's away in Boston, won't be back for a month."

"Okay, then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz."

He says, "Speaking!"

I Do

Tim was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, Dear," he said.

"Of course, Tim," his wife said softly.

"Six months after I die, he said, "I want you to marry Lawrence."

"But I thought you hated Lawrence," she said.

With his last breath, Tim said, "I do!"

Oh, I Get It

A young lawyer decided that his life needed a hobby. Since his buddies talked about sailing, he thought he'd give it a go. He went to the local boat show and asked a lot of questions. Everything seemed to be going well when he said, "How do you dock the boat?"

The salesman replied, "Well, you really don't dock the sailboat, you tie it up to a float just beyond the dock. This way you don't bang up the finish on the craft."

"Well then," the lawyer asked, "How do you get out to the sailboat?"

"Good question." The salesman told him that you can get a small raft and paddle out to the boat, or just walk out to the boat, if you don't mind getting wet.

"Oh, I get it," the lawyer replied. "It's Row vs. Wade."

Cheating

During the final exam, the professor noticed that Billy Walters kept looking at his hand before writing down an answer on his test. This went on throughout the entire exam, leaving the professor no other choice than to interrogate the student's test-taking habit.

"Mr. Walters," the professor began. "Is there something interesting written on your palm?"

"Not at all," Billy replied. "It's all pretty boring."

Vanity

One day, Judy and Gail were having a rare heart to heart talk.

"What do you consider your worst vice," Judy asked.

"I don't like to admit it," Gail said, "but my worst vice is vanity. Sometimes I sit in front of the mirror and just admire my face."

"I wouldn't worry about it," said Judy. "That's not vanity. That's imagination."

The Pet Store

A lady walked into a pet shop "I'd like to buy two yellow canaries," she told the owner.

"We don't have any canaries, but we have these," the owner said, as he showed the lady some pale green parakeets.

"That's not what I'm looking for," the lady stated.

"Well" he said, "Just think of them as yellow canaries that aren't quite ripe yet."

American businessman was at a pier in a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow-fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

The Mexican replied only a little while.

The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish?

The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.

The American then asked the Mexican how he spent the rest of his time.

The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, senor."

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and, with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat, you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution.

"You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But senor, how long will this all take?"

To which the American replied, "15-20 years."

"But what then, senor?" asked the Mexican.

The American laughed, and said, "That's the best part! When the time is right, you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public. You'll become very rich, you would make millions!"

"Millions, senor?" replied the Mexican. "Then what?"

The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."

Major Mistake

My wife still uses curlers in her hair after she washes it. She came into the Family Room as I was watching TV. I guess I stared at her funny because she said, "I just set my hair."

The last thing I remember saying was, "Oh, really? And what time does it go off ?"

Today I resolve to...

1) Spend less time at the bar and more time with the family. (or is it the other way around ?)

2) Lose that unsightly fat. (No ladies we are not talking about your husband)

3) Go into rehab to get clean from Fox News and CNN.

4) Not to let Television News paranoia affect me.

5) Not to make ANY MORE New Years Resolutions - again.