Saturday,  January 31, 2009

New Windows

A window salesman phoned a customer. "Hello, Mr. Brown," said the Sales Rep, "I'm calling because our company replaced all the windows in your house with our triple-glazed weather-tight windows over a year ago, and you still haven't sent us a single payment." 

The customer replied, "But you said they'd pay for THEMSELVES in 12 months!"

Friday,  January 30, 2009

Pretend We're Married

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.

After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."

The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.

"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"

Thursday,  January 29, 2009

Circle Flies

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said--"Well yeah, if that's what they are--I never heard of circle flies". So the farmer says--"Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass."

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

Wednesday,  January 28, 2009

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:

"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."

After the wedding, the groom pulled the pastor aside and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put the $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer.

Tuesday,  January 27, 2009

Not the Sharpest Knife

I have a friend who filled his car with gas at a self-service gas station. After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he had left the gas cap on top of his car. He stopped and looked but, sure enough, it was lost.

Well, he thought for a second and realized that other people must have done the same thing, and that it was worth going back to look by the side of the road since even if he couldn't find his own gas cap, he might be able to find one that fit.

Sure enough, he hadn't been searching long when he found a gas cap. He tried it on, and it went into place with a satisfying click.

"Great," he thought, "I lost my gas cap, but I found another one that fits. And this one's even better because it locks."

Monday,  January 26, 2009

A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name?"

One child answered, "Mary."

The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?"

A little kid said, "The Verge."

Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"

The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about The Verge 'n' Mary."

Sunday,  January 25, 2009

An expectant mother was being rushed to the hospital, but didn't quite make it.

She gave birth to her baby on the hospital lawn. Later, the father received a bill, listing "Delivery Room Fee: $500."

He wrote the hospital and reminded them the baby was born on the front lawn. A week passed, and a corrected bill arrived:

"Greens Fee:  $200."

Saturday,  January 24, 2009

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, little Johnny stood up. The teacher was surprised, but realized this was an opportune moment to help a child. "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?" she asked.

"No, ma'am," Johnny replied, "but I hated to see you standing there all by yourself!"

Friday,  January 23, 2009

Have you heard about the pharmaceutical company that developed a new drug which, when administered to women, compels them to go join a convent?

The FDA refused to license it. Seems it was habit forming.

Thursday,  January 22, 2009

To Tell The Truth

John was a salesman's delight when it came to purchasing any kind of unusual gimmick.. His wife Cindy had long ago given up trying to change him.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.. It was a robot that he claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school over 2 hours late..

”Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home? “ asked John...

”Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,” said Tommy..

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair..

” Son “ said John, “ this robot is actually a new style of lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school..”

” Well uh ..we went to Bobby's house and watched a movie. “ said Tommy..

” What did you watch? “ asked Cindy...

” The Ten Commandments. “ answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and slapped him once again knocking him off his chair.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, ' OK. I am sorry I lied .. We really watched a tape called The Sex Queen. “

” I am ashamed of you son,' “ said John . . “When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.”

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair…

Cindy doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, “ Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. . After all, he is your son! “

With that the robot immediately walked around to Cindy and slapped her right off her chair!!

Wednesday,  January 21, 2009

Deplane Deplane

During the "rush hour" at Houston Airport, a flight was delayed due to a mechanical problem.

Since they needed the gate for another flight, the aircraft was backed away from the gate while the maintenance crew worked on it. The passengers were then told the new gate number, which was some distance away.  Everyone moved to the new gate, only to find a third gate had been designated for them.

After some further shuffling, everyone got on board, and as they were settling in, the flight attendant made the standard announcement, "We apologize for the inconvenience of this last-minute gate change. This flight is going to Washington, D.C. If your destination is not Washington, D.C. you should 'deplane' at this time."

A very confused-looking and red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying his bags. "Sorry," he said, wrong plane."

Tuesday,  January 20, 2009

Write it Down

An elderly husband and wife noticed they were beginning to forget little things around the house. They were afraid that this could be dangerous so they decided to go see a doctor to get some help.

Their doctor told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders. This seemed like an excellent idea.

When they got home, the wife said, "Honey, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? Why don't you write that down so you won't forget?"

"Nonsense," said the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream!"

"I'd also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you'll forget."

"Don't be silly," replied the husband. "A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!"

"OK, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped cream on top.  Now you'd really better write it down now. You'll forget," said the wife.

"No problem, ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream."

With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him. The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans and making lots of noise. He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later. Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs.

The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, "Where's the toast?"

Monday,  January 19, 2009

It was graduation day and Mom was trying to take a picture of their son in a cap and gown, posed with his father.

"Let's try to make this look natural," she said. "Junior, put your arm around your dad's shoulder."

The father answered, "If you want it to look natural, why not have him put his hand on my wallet?"

Sunday,  January 18, 2009

Putting Out The Cat

A couple was going out for the evening. The last thing they did was to put the cat out.

The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out of the house, the cat shoots back in. So the husband goes back inside to chase it out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explained to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband got into the taxi and said, "Sorry I took so long, the stupid thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"

WOW

My 60-year-old mother-in-law, completing two years of wearing orthodontic braces, was in the office having them adjusted. 

As she sat in the waiting room, the teenager next to her looked at my mother-in-law in astonishment.  "Wow," he said. "How long have you been coming here?"

Friday,  January 16, 2009

Bragging Rights

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

Thursday,  January 15, 2009

A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage.

He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."

The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter.

The usher leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."

Wednesday,  January 14, 2009

The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch. Someone called 911.

When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint.

"It was enough to make anybody faint," he said. "My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the lawn mower."

Tuesday,  January 13, 2009

Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.

The driver says, "Why'd you do that?

The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready."

Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean.

He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.

The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"

The cop says, "Just making your wishes come true."

The passenger says, "Huh?"

The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I wish that cop would've tried that with me!'"

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day.

One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?"

"I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."

So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss.

"Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?"

"Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, 'intelligence'?"

The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can."

The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree.

The boss said, "That's intelligence!"

The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?"

"He said we are down here because of intelligence."

"What's intelligence?" said the friend.

The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, Take your shovel and hit my hand."

Sunday,  January 11, 2009

Rescue The Damsel

Once upon a time an evil king captured a virgin princess and held her captive in his high tower. Though she was very beautiful he forced her to wear a disgusting and smelly burlap dress.

"You'll never get away with this," she cried. "Some brave knight will rescue me!"

"Not in that thing," the evil king replied.

She waited day and night, but it was just as the king pre- dicted. Every knight that saw her in the window of the high tower was scared away by her dress, which, as I've mentioned, was very disgusting.

After many months the princess broke down crying and the evil king taunted her, "You see? I told you no knight would rescue a damsel in this dress!"

Saturday,  January 10, 2009

A sheriff walks into a saloon and shouts for everyone's attention. "Has anyone seen Brown Paper Jake?" he asks.

"What's he look like?" asks one shoddy-looking cowboy.

"Well", replies the Sheriff, "he wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown paper pants, and a brown paper jacket."

"So what's he wanted for?" asks the same cowboy.

"Rustlin'."

Friday,  January 9, 2009

The farmer's son was returning from the market with a crate of chickens his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.

"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them."

"Well, you done a good job, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven."

Thursday,  January 8, 2009

Yankee Fans

A Yankee fan was enjoying himself at the game in a packed Yankee Stadium, until he noticed an empty seat down in front. He went down and asked the guy next to it if he knew whose seat it was.

The guy said, "Yes, that's my wife's seat. We have never missed a game since Joe DiMaggio played, but now my wife is dead."

The fan offered his sympathy and said it was really too bad that he couldn't find some relative to enjoy the game with.

"Oh no - I can." the guy replied. "It's just that they're all at the funeral."

Wednesday,  January 7, 2009

Gimme a Break

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughters swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say "Gimme a break lady! Your daughter is pregnant."

The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.

The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.

The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"

"Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and three wise men came."

Tuesday,  January 6, 2009

Golf

"I play golf in the low 80's," the little old man was telling one of the young boys at the club.

"Wow," said the young man, "that's pretty impressive." 

"Not really," said the little old man. "Any hotter and I'd  probably have a stroke."

Monday,  January 5, 2009

Just As Skilled

A woman surgeon was disturbed about the high cost of her car repair.

"This is ridiculous!" she said, "charging me five hundred dollars to grind the valves and put in new piston rings."

"Not really, just think about it. You are a surgeon and should know that an automobile engine is just as complicated as a human body.

The mechanic who serviced your car is just as skilled as you are."

"Is that so? Well, let me see him grind valves while the engine is running."

Sunday,  January 4, 2009

A guy walked into his friend's office, he found him sitting at his desk, looking very depressed.

"Hey, what's up with you?" he asks.

"Oh, its my wife," replied the man sadly. "She's hired a new secretary for me."

"Well, nothing wrong in that. Is she blonde or brunette?"

"Neither, He's bald."

Saturday,  January 3, 2009

A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat.

She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by  offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat", and she  pushes him back onto the seat.

A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and refuses to let him up.

Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up.  I'm two miles past my stop already."

Capital Punishment

During the jury-selection process, the judge asked a prospective juror some questions.

"Have you formed any opinion about the guilt or innocence of the man on trial, Mr. Ferguson?"

"None whatsoever," Ferguson answered.

"Are you opposed to capital punishment?" the judge asked.

"Certainly not in this case."

Thursday,  January 1, 2009

Grounds

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property."

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is 'yes'."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "most days he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I never wanted a divorce. It's my husband. He says he can't communicate with me."