January 31, 2010
The census taker was greeted at the door by six year old Susie. She told him that her daddy was a doctor but he wasn't home because he was performing an appendectomy.
"Goodness, that's a very big word for such a little girl," the census taker said. "Do you know what it means?"
"Uh-huh," Susie replied. "Two thousand bucks and that doesn't even include the anesthesiologist!"
January 30, 2010
When my father was in boot camp, the troops were instructed to put their belongings into their footlockers, write their last names and first initial on the containers, and report back for inspection.
A few minutes later, the commanding officer, after having seen my father's locker emblazoned with his last name "Locke," followed by his first initial "R," furiously bellowed, "Okay, who's the wise guy?"
January 29, 2010
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
January 28, 2010
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend, my wife and I listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.."
He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'
I leaned over,
touched my wife gently, and whispered, Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?'
January 27, 2010
Oliver Wendell Holmes once attended a meeting in which he was the shortest man present. "Dr. Holmes," quipped a friend, "I should think you'd feel rather small among us big fellows."
"I do," retorted Holmes. "I feel like a dime among a lot of pennies."
January 26, 2010
Barbie, a waitress, decided to put her matchmaking skills to the test with our mutual friend Mike.
She figured that Sandy, another friend who seemed to have much in common with Mike, would be an ideal date.
One day Mike came into the restaurant when Sandy was also there. Barbie dragged Mike over to Sandy's table and introduced the two. Then she watched as Mike put his arm around the young woman and said in his best mock-seductive voice, "Hello, Sandy."
"You guys know each other?" Barbie asked.
"We sure do," said Mike. "She's my sister."
January 25, 2010
My sister-in-law was married to a prominent surgeon who was a member of operating teams at both St. Francis Hospital and Christ Hospital in the Chicago area. He would operate in the morning, then field calls about his patients in the evening.
Once when I was visiting his home, he was on the phone talking to a resident at Christ Hospital when the other phone rang. My sister-in-law answered, then whispered to her husband, "It's St. Francis calling."
He whispered back, "Tell St. Francis I'll have to call back. I'm talking to Christ."
January 24, 2010
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me...I know we've been friends for a long time...but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is. Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?
Happy 85th Birthday Mom!!!
January 23, 2010
Just as she was celebrating her 85th birthday, our friend Mary received a jury-duty notice. She called to remind the people at the clerk's office that she was exempt because of her age.
"You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms," they said.
"I've already done that," Mary replied. "I did it last year."
"You have to do it every year," she was told.
"Why?" said Mary. "Do you think I'm going to get younger?"
January 22, 2010
A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items.
She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her.
"Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?"
The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down, smiled and said, "Not bad."
January 21, 2010
An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . . .please advise"
The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap"
January 20, 2010
A student called up his mom from college and asked her for some money.
Mom said, "Sure, sweetie. I'll send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago.
Do you want me to send that up too?"
"Yeah, sure," he responded.
So Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book.
When she gets back, Dad asked, "Well, how much did you give the boy this time?
Mom said, "Oh, I wrote 2 checks, one for $20, and the other for $1000"
"That's $1020!" yelled Dad.
"Don't worry," Mom said, "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 one somewhere between the pages in Chapter 19!"
January 19, 2010
A man doing market research knocks on a door and is greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
The man says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
The woman replies, "Yes, my husband and I use it all the time."
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
Taken aback, the researcher says, "Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a hinge. But, in fact, I know most people do use it for sex. I admire your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"
The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."
January 18, 2010
The Bennett family had just moved into the neighborhood and was anxious to make a good impression, but the neighbors seemed busy and not interested.
One day Matthew, their youngest boy, ran into the house and announced, ''Ma, a lady down the street just asked me my name!''
Mother replied, ''Great! And then what happened?''
Matthew said, ''Oh, she gave it to the policeman.''
January 17, 2010
A speeding motorist was caught by radar from a police helicopter in the sky. An officer pulled him over and began to issue a traffic ticket.
"How did you know I was speeding?" the frustrated driver asked.
The police officer pointed somberly toward the sky.
"You mean," asked the motorist, "that even HE is against me?"
January 16, 2010
tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and
well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.
'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?
January 15, 2010
Worried that his son was spending too much money on dates, a Father asked the boy how much his last date had cost.
The son calculated a minute then replied, "Oh, about $15 or so I think."
"Well," said the Father, "I'm proud of you for finally coming up with an inexpensive evening."
"To be honest Dad," the son went on, "we'd have done more, but that was all the money she had."
January 14, 2010
Mrs. Hunter was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to be excused because she didn't believe in capital punishment and didn't want her personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course. But the public defender liked her thoughtfulness and quiet calm, and tried to convince her that she was appropriate to serve on the jury.
"Madam," he explained, "this is not a murder trial! It's a simple civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $12,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday."
"Well, okay," agreed Mrs. Hunter, "I'll serve. I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all."
January 13, 2010
Once upon a time, there was a prince who, through no fault of his own, was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the prince could speak only one word each year. However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, the following year he was allowed to speak two words. (This was before the time of letter writing or sign language.)
One day, he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair, sapphire eyes) and fell madly in love with her. With the greatest difficulty, he refrained from speaking for 2 whole years so that he could look at her and say, "My darling." But at the end of these 2 years, he wished to tell her that he loved her. So he waited 3 more years without speaking, bringing the total number of silent years to 5.
At the end of these 5 years, he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So he waited another 4 years without speaking. Finally, as the 9th year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden, the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said, "My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?"
The princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind her dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said, "Pardon?"
January 12, 2010
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."
The frightened passenger, apologized to the driver, and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab.... I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
January 11, 2010
"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."
"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.
"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.
"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"
"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."
"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"
So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.
"Hi there," says Steve, "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."
"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."
Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Damn! THAT'S the word!Ē
January 10, 2010
When the Jones family moved into their new house, a visiting relative asked the little five-year-old how he liked the new place.
"It's terrific," he said. "I have my own room, Mike has his own room, and Jamie has her own room. But poor mom is still sleeping with dad."
January 9, 2010
A salesman is driving down a country road in the bayou country when he sees a young kid in front of a barn. On the barn are 5 targets with an arrow in the bulls eye of each target. Screeching to a stop, he runs out to the kid amazed that this kid could shoot so well.
Salesman ask "Son, What's your name?" The little boy says, "T-Boudreaux." "Well T-Boudreaux, How did you hit all those bulls eyes?"
"Mais Sir, dats easy," replied T-Boudreaux. "I take the arrow and lick my fingers like dis, dan I take my fingers and straighten the feathers like dat, take aim with my hand against my cheek, let go and where ever the arrow hits, I draw a bulls eye."
January 8, 2010
The lawyer was cross-examining a witness.
"Isnít it true, "he bellowed, "that you were given $500.00 to throw this case?"
The witness did not answer. Instead, he just stared out the window as though he hadnít heard the question.
The attorney repeated himself, again getting the same reaction - no response.
Finally, the judge spoke to the witness, "Please answer the question."
"Oh,' said the startled witness, "I thought he was talking to you."
January 7, 2010
A college student with a young child was pleased when her daughter became eligible to attend the day care center at the University. The director of the day care gave the mother a tour of the facilities. To assure herself of the center's high standards, the young mother asked about the curriculum.
"Well," said the director, eyes twinkling, "today we are studying the children's favorite philosopher: Play-Doh."
January 6, 2010
After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"
"Yes," the golfer responded.
"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?"
"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.
"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"
The golfer thought it over carefully and responded...
"I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."
January 5, 2010
Texan: "Where are you from?"
Harvard graduate: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."
Texan: "OK, where are you from, Jackass?"
January 4, 2010
A group of senior citizens were exchanging notes about their ailments. "My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this coffee cup."
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't see to pour the coffee."
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck."
"My blood pressure pills make my dizzy."
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old."
"Well, it's not all bad. We should be thankful that we can still drive."
January 3, 2010
A young woman visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and the doctor walked in.
Coming to an abrupt halt, he looked his patient up and down carefully.
"Miss Jones," he said, "it seems quite obvious that until today you have never had an eye exam."
January 2, 2010
An eminent psychologist was called to testify in court. A severe, no-nonsense professional, she sat down in the witness chair unaware that its rear legs were set precariously on the back of the raised platform.
"Will you state your name?" asked the district attorney.
Tilting back in her chair, she opened her mouth to answer, when she was catapulted head-over-heels backward and landed in a stack of exhibits and recording equipment.
Everyone watched in stunned silence as she extricated herself, rearranged her disheveled dress and hair, and was reseated on the witness stand. The glare she directed at onlookers dared anyone to so much as smirk.
"Well, doctor," continued the district attorney without changing expression, "we could start with an easier question."
January 1, 2010
During the last carpool the subject was teenagers and their appetites. Most agreed that teenagers would eat anything, anywhere and at any time. Some were concerned that such appetites always made it hard to judge when you should feed them because they were always grazing.
The veteran parent of six children, told us of his method for judging the true hunger of teenagers.
"I would hold up a piece of cold, cooked broccoli and if they were jumping and snapping at it I figured they were hungry enough to be fed."