January 31, 2011
A man and his wife, both living in Britain, had been wanting to move to Australia for a long time. This is where the husbands family live and where he grew up. Nowadays immigration to Australia, as it is with many countries is quite strict. So they had a long wait for there interview with the immigration office.
Finally they got there interview and both very nervous after many questions were asked there came the "do you have a criminal record?"
To which the husband replied "I didn't realize you still needed one?!"
January 30, 2011
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Cow! A talking chicken!'"
January 29, 2011
Read this out loud:
This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is goober cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat
Now go back and read
January 28, 2011
Nine white reindeer. Male. Range in age from 5-13 years. TB and brucellosis tested; current on all vaccinations, vet-checked and come with health certificates and guarantee of flight. Lead deer has dermatological condition which is chronic, but doesn't seem to affect pulling ability or visual accuracy. One owner. $2,000.00 apiece/ first $17,000 takes all. Tired of the cold weather and moving to Florida.
Please contact: Mr. S. Claus, firstname.lastname@example.org
January 27, 2011
I've always ordered beverages one simple way: "A Coke, please."
Lately, though, this hasn't seemed to work. Waitresses now often respond, "I'm sorry, we don't have Coke. We have Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, Mr. Pibb."
Tired of listening to the long list of soft drinks, I thought I'd make life easier. So one day I simply asked the snack bar clerk at a movie theater for a "dark, carbonated beverage."
The young man behind the counter chuckled and asked, "Sir, would you like a cylindrical plastic sucking device with that?"
January 26, 2011
During our church service one Sunday, a parishioner was speaking about an emotionally charged topic and had trouble controlling her tears. Finishing her remarks, she told the congregation, "I apologize for crying so much. I'm usually not such a big boob."
The bishop rose to close the session and remarked, "That's okay. We like big boobs."
January 25, 2011
It's a sunny morning in the Old Forest and the Bear family are just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!
"Who's been eating my porridge?!" he squeaks.
Poppa Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?!" he roars.
Mommy Bear puts her head through the door from the kitchen and yells, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?
I haven't made the porridge yet!"
January 24, 2011
A man in a bar has a couple of beers, and the bartender tells him he owes $8.
"But I already paid you! Don't you remember?" says the customer.
"Okay," says the bartender, "if you said you paid, then I suppose you did."
The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid or not. The second man then rushes in, orders a beer, and later pulls the same stunt.
The barkeep replies, "Okay, if you said you paid, then I suppose you did."
The customer then goes outside, sees a friend, and tells him how to get free drinks. The third man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs. Some time later, the bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid, and both claimed that they had paid. The next guy who tries that stunt is going to get his ass...."
The man interrupts, "Don't bother me with your troubles, bartender. Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."
January 23, 2011
As in many homes on New Year's Day, my wife and I faced the annual conflict of which was more important - the football games on TV, or the dinner itself. To keep peace, I ate dinner with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-dinner conversation before retiring to the family room to turn on the game.
Several minutes later, my wife came downstairs and graciously even bought a cold drink for me. She smiled, kissed me on the cheek and asked what the score was. I told her it was the end of the third quarter and that the score was still nothing to nothing.
"See?" she said, continuing to smile, "You didn't miss a thing."
January 22, 2011
While handing a 25 cent-off coupon to the clerk at the checkout counter, I inadvertently missed her hand, and the coupon slipped beneath the scale and was gone.
The checker looked distressed, so I said to the her, "That's okay, it's in coupon heaven now."
"Coupon heaven?", the checker said.
"Yes", I said, "That's where coupons go when they die."
"Only the redeemed ones, I'm sure!", said the checker.
January 21, 2011
The English test had only one question: "Write an essay on 'The Most Beautiful Thing I Ever Saw.'"
One of the students finished his essay in less than a minute. It read in its entirety: "The most beautiful thing I ever saw was just too beautiful for words."
He got the only A in the class.
January 20, 2011
A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz. Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail.
Finally they reached the ticket window. "Five tickets, please," the father said. "Two round trip, three one way."
January 19, 2011
Son: Dad, do you think that the American Indians were superior to the white men who took this land from them?
Father: You bet. When the Indians were the sole occupants of this land, they had no taxes, no national debt, no centralized government, no military draft, no foreign aid programs, no banks, no stock markets, no nuclear weapons, and their women did all the work. What could be more superior to that?
January 18, 2011
At the next table in a fast food restaurant, one youngster was sobbing because he didn't get the toy he wanted with his food. Another dumped his drink over his sister's burger because she was stealing his fries. Then the smallest fell off his chair.
Clearly at the end of her rope, the mother dragged the boy up from the floor, placed him back into his chair, and said,
"Shut up, all of you, and eat your Happy Meals!"
January 17, 2011
A man has not been feeling well and goes to the doctor for a check up. After the physical examination and a battery of blood tests and X-rays, he asks the doctor about his situation.
The doctor replies, "You are very sick. You might not live longer than perhaps three or four months."
The man, in despair, yet, with a glimpse of hope says, "If you don't mind, doctor, I would like to have a second opinion."
"Okay," the doctor answers, "you're ugly, too!"
January 16, 2011
The wedding day was fast approaching. Everything was ready, and nothing could dampen Jennifer's excitement, not even her parents' nasty divorce.
Her mother Sheila finally found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best-dressed mother of the bride EVER!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn her new young stepmother, Barbie, had purchased the same dress. She asked Barbie to exchange the dress, but Barbie refused, "Absolutely not! I'm going to wear this dress. I'll look like a million bucks in it!"
Jennifer told her mother, who graciously replied, "Never mind, dear. I'll get another dress, after all it's YOUR special day, not ours."
Two weeks later, another dress was finally found. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "What are you going to do with the first dress? Maybe you should return it. You don't have any place to wear it."
Sheila grinned and replied, "Of course, I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner."
January 15, 2011
At a dinner party, the speaker who was the guest of honor was about to deliver his speech when his wife, who was sitting at the other end of the table, sent him a piece of paper with the word "KISS" scribbled on it.
A guest seated next to the speaker said, "It looks like your wife has sent you a kiss for good luck. She must love you very much."
The speaker replied, "You don't know my wife. The letters stand for "Keep it short, Stupid."
January 14, 2011
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.
"I'll make a deal with you," said his father. "You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, and then we'll talk."
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.
"Son, I'm real proud of you. You've brought your grades up and you've studied your Bible, but you didn't get hair cut!"
"You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
"Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"
January 13, 2011
This guy walks into a bar with his golden retriever. ''Hey, can I get a drink on the house if my dog talks for you?''
''Dogs can't talk, pal. But if you can prove to me yours does, I'll give you a drink. If not, I get to kick your butt.''
''Okay,'' says the guy. He turns to his dog. ''Okay fella. Tell me -- what is on top of a house?''
''Roof!'' The man turns and smiles at the bartender.
''THAT ain't talking! Any dog can bark!''
''Okay boy. Tell me -- how does sandpaper feel?''
''What the hell you tryin' to pull mister?''
''Okay, okay," says the man. "One more question please. Okay buddy, tell me -- who is the greatest ball player who ever lived?''
The bartender beats the heck out of the guy and throws onto the sidewalk outside of the bar, then throws the dog out next to him.
The dog stands up and looks at the guyand says "Geez. Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"
January 12, 2011
The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal.
She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar.
And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times.
"Now, said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"
A little girl in the back of the room raised her hand with great enthusiasm and said "To make the gravy," !
January 11, 2011
A visitor to Texas once asked, "Does it ever rain out here?"
A rancher quickly answered, "Yes, it does."
"When?" asked the visitor.
"Do you remember that part in the Bible where it rained for 40 days and 40 nights?"
The visitor replied, "Yes, I'm familiar with Noah's flood."
"Well," the rancher puffed up, "we got about half an inch that time."
January 10, 2011
Mother decided that 10-year-old Cathy should get something 'practical' for her birthday.
"Suppose we open a savings account for you?" mother suggested. Cathy was delighted.
"It's your account, darling," mother said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the application."
Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for 'Name of your former bank.' After a slight hesitation, she put down 'Piggy.'
January 9, 2011
A bunch of cows and bulls are standing in a field. A huge gust of wind comes along and all the cows fall over, but the bulls just stand there, bracing themselves against the gale.
All the cows stand up and go back to their chewing.
Pretty soon, an even stronger wind blows through and all of the cows are knocked to the ground, but the bulls just munch on the grass.
Next, a bona fide tornado comes through and all the cows are knocked clean into the next pasture. The bulls just say, "Mooo..."
Finally, one of the cows walks up to one of the bulls and says, "Moo? Is that all you can say? How come the wind always knocks us right over and you just stand there?"
"Isn't it obvious?" the bull replies. "We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down."
January 8, 2011
A strong, broad-shouldered young man at the construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength. He especially made fun of one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that out building that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right, get in."
January 7, 2011
David filled his car with gas at a self-service gas station. After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he had left the gas cap on top of his car. He stopped and looked and, sure enough, it was lost.
Well, he thought for a second and realized that other people must have done the same thing, and that it was worth going back to look by the side of the road since even if he couldn't find his own gas cap, he might be able to find one that fit.
Sure enough, he hadn't been searching long when he found a gas cap. He tried it on, and it went into place with a satisfying click.
"Great," David thought, "I lost my gas cap, but I found another one that fits. And this one's even better because it locks ..."
January 6, 2011
A couple months ago, I entered a contest and ended up winning a few acres of swamp land below the flood plane in Mississippi.
Before I knew it, right after that I won a $250,000 house, so naturally I built it on my new land.
Last week, I won enough money in the lottery to quit my job and move down there for good.
And just last night, as sat on my new porch watching the rain and listening to the thunder, it all started to sink in.
January 5, 2011
A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. So, this was his first time approaching a field during the night time.
Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: "Guess who?"
The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where!"
January 4, 2011
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asks him: "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen!" replies the little boy.
His cousin laughed and asked how he knew this.
"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up! 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer!"
January 3, 2011
An old penny pincher had no friends. Just before he died he asked his doctor, lawyer, and pastor to gather around him at bedside.
"I have always heard that you can't take it with you. But I want to disprove that theory," he said. "I have $90,000 under my mattress, and when I die, just before they throw the dirt on me at my burial, I want you each to toss in an envelope with $30,000 within."
The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope in the grave. On the way back from the cemetery, the pastor said, "I must confess. I needed $10,000 for my new church, so I only threw in $20,000."
The doctor then said, "I must confess too. I needed $20,000 for a new hospital I was opening up, so I only threw in $10,000."
The lawyer looked at them both and shook his head. He then said, "Gentlemen, I'm surprised, shocked, and ashamed of you. I don't see how you could dare to go against that man's final wish. I mean, I threw in my personal check for the full amount…"
January 2, 2011
The owner of a small New York sandwich deli was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.
"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?"
"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these travel deductions. You listed six trips to Florida for you and your wife."
"Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "It is a legitimate business expense because we also deliver. "
January 1, 2011
Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the earth every year.
If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface.
This would explain the death of the dinosaurs...the tallest ones, anyway.......