January 31, 2012
An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive.
For example, as a duck hunter, I was in the market for a new bird dog a few years ago. My search finally ended when I found a dog that could not only retrieve, but could actually walk on water! Shocked by my find, I was both skeptical that the dog would be able to keep this up after I purchased it (you know, maybe the salesman was somehow playing a cruel trick on me), and also that any of my friends would ever believe me.
I decided to try to break the news to one friend at a time starting with a long-time buddy who was also a hunter. He was a pessimist by nature, but invited him to hunt with me and my new dog.
As we waited, carefully concealed by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. We fired, and ducks fell at a distance. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the birds, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long--each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.
My pessimist buddy watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word about it the entire day.
On the drive home the silence was suddenly broken when my friend said, "Too bad about your dog."
A little surprised at his statement, I asked, "What do you mean?"
"I mean," drawled the pessimist slowly, "it's too bad ya got stuck with one that can't swim."
January 30, 2012
A guy driving a Mini Cooper pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Mini rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Mini!"
The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes, I have a phone."
The driver of the Mini says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I've got a fridge in the back seat of my Mini!"
The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator."
The driver of the Mini says, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Mini!"
The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"
The driver of the Mini says, "Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Mini!"
Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car. The bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.
So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Mini, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Mini parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Mini. When there wasn't any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet.
"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.
The driver of the Mini looked at him and said, "You got me out of the shower for THAT?!"
January 29, 2012
There were three country churches in a small town: the Lutheran church, the Methodist church and the Catholic Church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.
One day, the Methodist church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
The Lutheran group got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creations. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
It was only the Catholics who were able to come up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
January 28, 2012
Olga went to the local psychic in the hope of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids fluttered, her voice warbled, her hands floated up above the table, and she started moaning.
Eventually, a coherent voice emanated, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"
Olga, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, answered, "Grandmother? Is that you?"
"Yes, granddaughter, it's me."
"It's really, really you, Grandmother?" Olga repeated.
"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."
Olga looked puzzled, "You're sure it's you, Grandmother?"
"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."
She paused for a moment then said, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you."
"Anything, my child."
"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"
January 27, 2012
There was a man who was in a horrible accident and injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both of his ears. As a result of this unusual handicap, he was very self-conscious about having no ears.
Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so he decided he now had the means to own a business. He went out and purchased a small but expanding computer firm. However, he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business. He picked out three top candidates and interviewed each of them. The first interview went really well. He liked the guy. His last question for this candidate was, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"
The guy said, "Now that you mention it, you have no ears." The man got really upset and threw the guy out.
The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate was much better. Again, to conclude the interview, the man asked the same question again, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"
This guy also noticed, "Yes, you have no ears." The man was really upset again, and threw the second candidate out.
Then he had the third interview. The third candidate was even better than the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"
The guy replied "Yeah, you're wearing contact lenses."
Surprised, the asked, "Wow! That's quite perceptive of you! How could you tell?"
The guy burst out laughing and said, "Well, You can't wear glasses if you don't have any ears!"
January 26, 2012
"I met my wife at a singles' bar."
"Yeah, I thought she was home with the kids."
January 25, 2012
Little Sammy was studying Torah for his Bar Mitzvah and was asked what he had learned in Hebrew school.
"Well, momma, the rabbi told us how G-d sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When they got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all the Jews walked across safely. Then the Egyptians followed Moses, who used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for air cover. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and drown the Egyptians, and the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Sammy, is that really what the rabbi taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no, momma, but if I told it the way the rabbi did, you'd never believe it!"
January 24, 2012
Jason and Ralph were walking home from Sunday School, each deep in his own thoughts.
Finally Ralph said, "What do you think about all this devil stuff we studied today?"
Bobby replied thoughtfully, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. This is probably just your Dad, too."
January 23, 2012
Little Andy was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.
Interested in what the boy was doing, he asked, "What are you up to there, Andy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Andy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor frowned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?
Andy patted down the last heap of earth. "That's because he's inside your cat."
January 22, 2012
Scott and Glenn were out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft.
Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing. They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing. They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole!
Scott and Glenn were still standing there with astonished looks on their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them. He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them!
The man replied, "Oh no. That couldn't be MY goat, mine was tied to a railroad tie."
January 21, 2012
A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich.
When he receives the sandwich he eats it
and then shoots the waiter and leaves the restaurant.
The policeman gets a dictionary and looks up "panda bear."
It says, ''Panda Bear: eats shoots and leaves.''
January 20, 2012
Once upon a chilly night, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a big ugly frog in a pond.
The homely frog said to the princess, "Will you please kiss me? I was once a handsome young prince until an evil witch put a terrible spell on me. One kiss from you and I will immediately turn into a handsome prince. Then I will gather you up in my arms, carry you off to my castle in the clouds and we can marry. And you can bear my children, prepare my meals, clean my clothes and we'll live happily ever after."
Later that night... the princess sat by the warm hearth and enjoyed a nice, warm dinner—of frog legs.
January 19, 2012
A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter.
He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar.
He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full.
They agreed it was. The students laughed.
The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
"Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else, the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
But then... A student took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, pulled a can of beer out of his backpack, and poured it into the jar. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full. "No matter how full your life is," the student quipped, "there's always room for beer!"
January 18, 2012
Two snakes were slithering along when the baby snake turns to the mother snake and asks: "Mommy! Are we poisonous?"
"Why, yes we are", says the second.
Again the baby snake asks, "Are you sure we're poisonous?"
"Yes, we are very poisonous."
The baby snake becomes very upset. Again, he asks, "Are we really, really poisonous?"
"Yes we are really, really poisonous. In fact we're the most poisonous snakes in the world. Why do you ask?"
"I just bit my lip!"
January 17, 2012
John got a job as a night watchman at a factory. There had been a lot of thefts by the workers on the night shift, and so every morning when the night shift workers passed through his gate it was his job to check their bags and pockets to make sure that nothing was being stolen.
Things were going along very well the first night on the job until a man pushing a wheelbarrow of newspapers came through his gate. "Aha", John thought, "that man thinks he can cover up what he is stealing with that newspaper". So he removed the paper only to find nothing. Still he felt that the man was acting strangely, so he questioned him about the paper.
"I get a little extra money from newspapers I recycle, so I go into the lunchroom and pick up all the ones people have thrown away."
John let him pass, but decided to keep a close eye on him.
The next night it was the same, and the night after that.
Week after week it went on. The same guy would push the wheelbarrow of newspapers past the John's checkpoint. He would always check and find nothing. Then one night, about a year later, John reported for work only to find a message had been left for him telling him to report to his captain. He walked into the captain's office and before he could say a word was told, "You're fired!"
"Fired?" John asked in total surprise. "Why? What did I do?"
"It was your job to make sure that no one stole anything from this plant and you have failed. So you're fired."
"Wait a minute, what do you mean failed. Nobody ever stole anything from this place while I was on guard."
"Oh, really," the captain answered. "Then how do you account for the fact that there are 365 missing wheelbarrows?"
January 16, 2012
Mother gave Jimmy two quarters. One was for his Sunday School offering and the other was for an ice cream cone on the way home from Sunday School.
Jimmy was flipping one quarter in the air and catching it on the way down. This happened 8 times or so when all of a sudden he missed catching it. It rolled down the storm sewer and was gone.
Jimmy looked skyward and prayed, "Sorry, God."
January 15, 2012
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out, in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Mommy, why are some of your hairs white?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl was silent for a while, and then said, "Poor Grandma. You must have been very, very hard to raise."
January 14, 2012
A college senior took his new girlfriend to a football game. The young couple found seats in the crowded stadium and were watching the action. A substitute was put into the game, and as he was running onto the field to take his position, the boy said to his girlfriend, "Take a good look at that fellow. I expect him to be our best man next year."
His girlfriend snuggled closer to him and said, "That's the strangest way I ever heard of for a fellow to propose to a girl. Regardless of how you said it, I accept!"
January 13, 2012
A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.
Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."
January 12, 2012
A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?"
"No," her mother replied.
"Well, I think I have to throw up!"
"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."
After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat.
"Did you throw up?" Mom asked.
"How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?"
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick.'"
January 11, 2012
A Kansas cyclone hit a farmhouse just before dawn one morning. It lifted the roof off, picked up the beds, on which the farmer and his wife slept, and set them down gently in the next county. The wife began to cry.
"Don't be scared, Mary," her husband said. "We're not hurt."
Mary continued to cry. "I'm not scared," she responded between sobs. "I'm happy 'cause this is the first time in 14 years we've been out together."
January 10, 2012
When I arrived for my daughter's parent-teacher conference, the teacher seemed a bit flustered, especially when she started telling me that my little girl didn't always pay attention in class and was sometimes a little flighty.
"For example, she'll do the wrong page in the workbook," the teacher explained, "and I've even found her sitting in the wrong desk."
"I don't understand that," I replied defensively. "Where could she have gotten that?"
The teacher went on to reassure me that my daughter was still doing fine in school and was sweet and likeable. Finally, after a pause, she added, "By the way, our appointment was for tomorrow."
January 9, 2012
As the pastor shook hands with the congregation leaving the church, a little boy looked up with a closed fist said, “Here, I have something for you.” The pastor opened his hand and the little boy dropped a quarter in the pastor's hand. Not wanting to hurt the boy's feelings he simply smiled and said, “Thank you.”
Well, it did not end, the next Sunday and the next -- the same thing. Finally, the pastor could not take it any more; he had to know what was up. He called the boy aside and talked with him, “I really appreciate the gifts but why are you doing it?”
“Well,” said the boy, “I just wanted to help you --- my dad says you are the poorest preacher we have ever had.”
January 8, 2012
Fred's mother was on the telephone to the boy's dentist.
"I don't understand it," she complained, "I thought his treatment would only cost me $20, but you've charged me $80."
"It is usually $20, ma'am," agreed the dentist, "but Fred yelled so loudly that three of my other patients ran away!"
January 7, 2012
A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realised that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him, he said, "I forgot my teeth."
The man said, "No problem."
With that, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.
The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said.
The man then said, "I have another pair... try these."
The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."
The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair of false teeth... try them."
The speaker said, "They fit perfectly."
With that he ate his meal and gave his address. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him.
"I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."
The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm the local undertaker."
January 6, 2012
When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the town magistrate to come and listen to it.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."
So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."
January 5, 2012
A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter.
Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.
Incensed by the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "If your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?"
The lawyer replied, "Of course. How much was the roast?"
"$7.98," said the butcher.
A few days later, the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read, Legal Consultation Service: $150.
January 4, 2012
One fall day Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.
Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse. "My wife," the man replied.
"I'm sorry," said Bill. "What happened to her?"
"My dog bit her and she died."
Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well."
Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, "Can I borrow your dog?"
To which the man replied, "Get in line."
January 3, 2012
January 2, 2012
Tom applied for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and was told to meet the inspector at the signal box.
The inspector decided to give Tom a pop quiz, and asked, "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading toward each other on the same track?"
Tom answered: "I would switch one train to another track."
"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.
"Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there."
"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenged the inspector.
"Then," Tom continued, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box."
"What if the phone was busy?"
"In that case," Tom argued, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station."
"What if that had been vandalized?"
"Oh, well," said Tom, "in that case, I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo."
This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that?"
"Because he's a photographer for the local newspaper."
January 1, 2012
A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was. Predictably, he was hit and thrown to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.
After weeks in the hospital recovering, he was at his friend's house attending a party. While in the kitchen, he heard the teakettle whistling. Grabbing a baseball bat from the nearby closet, he battered and bashed the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal.
His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushed into the kitchen, saw what was happened and asked the desert man, "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"
The desert man replied, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."