January 31, 2013
A Virginia woman was talking with her four year old son, Brent. He was asking her why all their relatives from Wisconsin talk funny and sound like their noses are plugged up.
"They think we have an accent," she replied.
"But they have an accent, right?", Brent asked.
"They talk funny?" "Everybody talks in different ways" she tried to explain. "To them, we sound like we talk very slow and all our words are d-r-a-w-n out."
His eyes got big, and he whispered seriously, "Oh, no. You mean they hear funny too?"
January 30, 2013
A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.
He went there, laid on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.
The psychiatrist asked a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.
Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."
January 29, 2013
During the jury-selection process, the judge asked a prospective juror some questions.
"Have you formed any opinion about the guilt or innocence of the man on trial, Mr. Ferguson?"
"None whatsoever," Ferguson answered.
"Are you opposed to capital punishment?" the judge asked.
"Certainly not in this case."
January 28, 2013
"Congratulations my boy!" said the groom's uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life."
"But I'm not getting married until tomorrow." Protested his nephew.
"I know," replied the uncle, "that's exactly what I mean."
January 27, 2013
The farmer stood in his chicken yard watching hundreds of baby chicks running here and there. He kept pointing to them and trying to count them. "One, two, three, four, five, six,... oh, no..." then he would start over, "one, two, three, four, and,... oh, no." Then he'd start over again.
Finally he said, "I give up. They say don't count your chickens before they hatch but it sure is easier to do that than it is to count them after they hatch."
January 26, 2013
Albert Einstein arrives at a dinner party. He introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What's your IQ?" The man answers, "241."
"That is wonderful!" says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the universe. We will have much to discuss!"
Next, Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What's your IQ?" The lady answers, "144."
"That is great!" responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!"
Albert goes to another person and asks, "What's your IQ?"
The man answers, "51."
Albert responds, "How 'bout them Jets?"
January 25, 2013
The other day I forgot my cell phone and needed to call home, but the only pay phone I could find was in use. So I stood to the side and politely waited until it was free, thinking it would only be a couple of minutes. Five minutes went by, and still the man was on the phone. He was just standing there, not saying a word.
Two more minutes went by, and he still wasn't talking.
Finally, I tapped him on the shoulder and asked if I could use the phone. I really wouldn't be long, but needed to make an important call.
"Hold your horses," he responded, covering the receiver.
"I'm talking to my wife."
January 24, 2013
Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.
The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.
Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
January 23, 2013
A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him.
The dog looked up and said, “Don't be surprised. This is just part of my job.”
“Incredible!” exclaimed the man. “I can't believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!”
“No, no,” pleaded the dog. “Please don't! If that man finds out I can talk, he'll make me answer the phone as well!”
January 22, 2013
An old Sailor and an old Marine were sitting at the VFW arguing about who'd had the tougher career. “I did 30 years in the Corps,” the Marine declared proudly, “and fought in three of my country's wars. Fresh out of boot camp I hit the beach at Okinawa, clawed my way up the blood-soaked sand, and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade. “As a sergeant, I fought in Korea alongside General MacArthur. We pushed back the enemy inch by bloody inch all the way up to the Chinese border, always under a barrage of artillery and small arms fire. “Finally, as a gunny sergeant, I did three consecutive combat tours in Vietnam. We humped through the mud and razor grass for 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire all day and mortar fire all night. In a firefight, we'd fire until our arms ached and our guns were empty, then we'd charge the enemy with bayonets!”
“Ah,” said the Sailor with a dismissive wave of his hand, “all shore duty, huh?”
January 21, 2013
A man in Florida, in his 80s, calls his son in New York one November day.
The father says to the son, "I hate to tell you, but we've got some troubles here in the house. Your mother and I can't stand each other anymore, and we're getting a divorce. I've had it! I want to live out the rest of my years in peace. I'm telling you now, so you and your sister shouldn't go into shock later when I move out."
He hangs up, and the son immediately calls his sister and tells her the news.
The sister says, "I'll handle this."
She calls Florida and says to her father, "Don't do ANYTHING till we get there! We'll be there Wednesday night."
The father agrees, "All right."
He hangs up the phone and hollers to his wife, "Okay, they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now, what are we going to tell them for Christmas?"
January 20, 2013
Passing an office building late one night, Paula saw a sign that said, "Press bell for night watchman."
She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs. The uniformed men proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door.
"Well," he snarled at Paula , "what do you want?"
"I just wanted to know why you can't ring it yourself."
January 19, 2013
A secret agent was sent to Ireland to pick up some very sensitive information from an agent called Murphy. His instructions were to walk around town using a code phrase until he met his fellow agent. He found himself on a desolate country road and finally ran into a farmer.
"Hello, said the agent, "I'm looking for a man called Murphy."
"Well you're in luck," said the farmer, "as it happens, there's a village right over the hill, where there's a butcher called Murphy, the baker is named Murphy, three widows are called Murphy. In fact my name is Murphy."
Aha, thought the agent, here's my man. So he whispered the secret code. "The sun is shining..... the grass is growing..... the cows are ready for milking."
"Oh" said the farmer, "you're looking for Murphy the spy -- he's in the village over the other direction."
anuary 18, 2013
Dog: "They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl."
Goldfish: "Just because I have a three-second memory, they don't think I'll mind eating the same fish flakes ... Oh boy! Fish flakes!"
Dog: "Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW whose it is!"
Goldfish: "The wimpy knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for dominion over the fish tank. So I must continue patrolling, for I am lord and master!"
Parrot: "Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy clowns ever really give me a cracker? HECK, no!"
Dog: "Human legs that just tease."
Cat: "Why are these people in my house?"
Goldfish: "Oh, tap-tap-tap! There's a new one!"
January 17, 2013
One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she said.
"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50."
January 16, 2013
A grandmother overheard 5-year-old Christy "playing wedding." The wedding vows went like this:
You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you, you have the right to have an attorney present.
You may kiss the bride."
January 14, 2013
There once was a young couple who lived in a town filled with crime. After three neighbors' houses had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog.
So one day the wife went to the pet store and said, "I need a good guard dog."
And the clerk replied, "Sorry, we're all sold out. All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But he knows karate."
The wife didn't believe him so he said to the dog, "Karate that chair."
The dog went up to the chair and broke it into pieces, then he said to the dog, "Karate that table." The dog went up to the table and broke it in half.
So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog. But then she told her husband that it knew karate, and he said "Karate my ass!"
January 14, 2013
A couple was relating their vacation experiences to a friend.
"It sounds as if you had a great time in Texas," the friend observed. "But didn't you tell me you were planning to visit Colorado?"
"Well," the man said, "we changed our plans because, uh..."
"Oh, tell the truth, Fred!" his wife cut in, "You know, it's just ridiculous. Fred simply will not ask for directions."
January 13, 2013
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.
He went back into the bar, flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
"All right, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my hoss ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled-up and started riding out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say pardner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
January 12, 2013
A knight and his men return to their castle after a long hard day of fighting.
"How are we faring?" asks the king.
"Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west."
"What?!" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!"
"Oh," says the knight. "Well, you do now."
January 11, 2013
A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected, a large crowd gathered. A lawyer anxious to get there first could not get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly,
"Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."
The crowd made way for him.
Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
January 10, 2013
It was their first date, and she'd shown the patience of a saint as he babbled on and on about his hobbies, his pet peeves, his driving techniques, and even the standards he used to choose his barber. Finally, he came up for air and said, "But enough about me. Let's talk about you."
She breathed a sigh of relief.
He went on, "What do you think about me?"
January 9, 2013
A guy is going on an ocean cruise, and he tells his doctor that he's worry about getting seasick.
The doctor suggests, ''Eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock.''
The guy replies, ''Would that keep me from getting sick, Doc?''
The doctor says, ''No, but it'll look real pretty in the water.''
January 8, 2013
A Chinese scholar was lecturing when all the lights in the auditorium went out.
He asked members of the audience to raise their hands. As soon as they had all complied, the lights went on again.
He then said, "Prove wisdom of Old Chinese saying: 'Many hands make light work."
January 7, 2013
An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him.
The Devil said to the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners."
The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"
January 6, 2013
One day, a salesman stopped by the Jones farm, knocked, and the farmer's wife, Frannie, came to the door.
“Is your husband home, Ma'am?” he asked.
“Sure is. He's over in the cow barn.”
“Well, I got something to show him, Ma'am. Will I have any difficulty finding him?”
“Shouldn't have any difficulties... He's the one with the beard and mustache.”
January 5, 2013
A man went to the mall this last week to buy Valentines' cards for his daughter and mother.
The 50 feet of displays for hundreds of cards astounded him. He muttered out loud, "I wonder if they have anything for ex-wives."
The clerk behind the counter said, "Oh, yes sir, they do have an 'ex'category, but they're in Sporting Goods."
"Yes sir. They're called darts."
January 4, 2013
A flying saucer was low on fuel, so it landed near a local gas station. On its side were the letters "UFO." The gas station attendant was stunned, but his curiosity got the best of him.
"Does that stand for Unidentified Flying Object?" he asked.
"No," one of the other-worldly travelers responds.
"It stands for "Unleaded Fuel Only."
January 3, 2013
Two sisters spent two weeks in Paris. The locals obviously hated Americans - no matter where they went, they were subject to rude behavior from waiters, store clerks, pedestrians, etc.
After a while it started to irritate them.
One day, in Paris, one sister went shopping. She entered a store and started looking around. She was the only customer in the store. As she was looking through the clothes on the rack, a clerk hurriedly approached her and very abruptly asked if he could help her.
The sister was used to this bad treatment by now and she politely declined his help. She continued to look at the clothes. Then she noticed that every clerk in the store was staring at her.
Defiantly, she continued to look through the clothes. When she could take this treatment no longer, she turned on her heels, with her head held high, and left the shop.
As she left, she noticed that the sign on the store read
January 2, 2013
An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen.
Where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkled cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Back off!" she said, "They're for the funeral."