Saturday, January 31, 1998
One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo
and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as
he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his
The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular
attraction, a gorilla has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at
the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until
they can get another one. The mime accepts.
So the next morning the mime
puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers
that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people
and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the
crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice
that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his.
Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his
cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of
course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.
At the end of
the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good
Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the
lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible
day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is
terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared
that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind.
Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion
is quick and pounces.
The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking
up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get
us both fired?"
Friday, January 30, 1998
This L.A. guy bought a brand new Mercedes, and as
luck would have it, he pulls up to a stoplight next to a guy with the same car.
They eyed each other and the other guy said, "You got a phone in
"Yes, I've got a phone!"
"You got a TV?"
"Yes, I've got a
"You got a bed in yours?"
"A bed??? No!" he replies
The light changed and they took off. This got to working on the
guy. He thought he had everything. So, he turns around and drives straight to
the dealership and tells them he wants a bed put in. They tell him that Mercedes
don't come with beds, but the man was adamant and demanded a bed be installed.
Finally, they said they'd figure out a way. The guy picks up his car and for the
next two weeks drives all over L.A. looking for that guy to show him that he had
a bed, too. He finally spots the car in a parking lot and pulls in beside it. He
gets out and knocks on the window. No answer. He knocks again. No answer. He
starts to walk away when the window rolls slowly down a bit and the guy growls,
"What do you want?"
He says, "I got a bed in my car!"
The guy replies,
"You got me out of the shower just to tell me that?"
Thursday, January 29, 1998
In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two
brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went
wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their
parents were at their wit's end trying to control them.
Hearing about a
priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the
father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys.
The mother went to the
priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger
boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the priest.
The priest sat the
boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes
they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his
forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"
The boy looked under the
desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing.
louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"
boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice,
the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's
nose, and asked, "Where is God?"
The boy panicked and ran all the way home.
Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the
closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, "We are in
The older boy asked, "What do you mean, BIG trouble?"
brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it."
Wednesday, January 28, 1998
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the
bartender "Give me six double vodka."
The barman says "Wow! you must have had
one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came
back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third
day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
bartender said "Damn! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
Tuesday, January 27, 1998
Three married couples went to a local pastor to
inquire if they could join his church.The preacher was pleased with their
interest but insisted that they pass a test."To show your sincerity" he told
them you must practice total abstinence for two weeks.
Two weeks later the
three couples returned to the church."Well how did you do?"the pastor asked the
"We have been married for 20 years," the man answered "It was
"Great. I would like to welcome you to our church," the pastor
said. He then turned to the second couple and asked how they had managed.
wasn't easy," the woman said. "we have been married for only 3 years so we had
some dificult moments, but we didn't give in."
"Wonderfulthe pastor replied.
"I would like to welcome you to our church."He then turned and asked the last
couple who were newlyweds.
"I can't lie," the man said. "We were both doing
fine until this morning at breakfast when she dropped her napkin on the floor.
We both reached down to pick it up and our eyes met. Our hearts were so overcome
with passion that we gave in right then and there."
"I understand, my
children," the pastor said, " but I am afraaid I can't let you attend our
"Thats okay," the man replied. "We aren't allowed back in that diner
Monday, January 26, 1998
Mr Lee was terribly overweight, so his doctor put
him in a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and
repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at
least 5 pounds."
When Mr Lee returned, he shocked the doctor by losing nearly
20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my
Mr Lee nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to
drop dead that 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
From the Bathroom Walls...
Make love, not war. -Hell, do both: get
Women's restroom, - The Filling Station. Bozeman,
I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my
- Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge,
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been
- Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg,
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
Revolution Books. New York, New York.
At the feast of ego, everyone
- Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson,
If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of
- Men's restroom, House of Representatives. Washington,
Sunday, January 25, 1998
A baby was born that was so advanced that he could
talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor. "Are you my
doctor?" he asked.
"Yes, I am."
The baby said "Thank you for taking such
good care of me during birth."
He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my
"Yes, I am," she said.
"Thank you for taking such good care of me
before I was born" he said.
He then looked at his father and asked "Are you
"Yes, I am," his father answered.
The baby motioned him close,
then poked him on the forehead with his index finger 5 times, saying "I want you
to know that THAT HURTS!"
Saturday, January 24, 1998
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Quasimodo were
having a terrible fight.
"I am the most beautiful person in the world!"
proclaimed Sleeping Beauty.
"No, you're not!" answered Quasimodo and Tom
"I am the smallest person in the world!" shouted Tom Thumb.
you're not!" said Sleeping Beauty and Quasimodo.
"I am the ugliest person in
the world!" announced Quasimodo.
"No, you aren't!" replied Tom Thumb and
They decided that the three needed a mediator, and that
Merlin, the smartest person in the world, would be ideal.
Merlin agreed and
summoned them all to his palace, where he announced he would meet with them one
at a time.
Sleeping Beauty went in first and not a minute later came out
beaming - "I am the most beautiful person in the world, Merlin said so!"
went Tom Thumb and out he came, as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty - "I am the
smallest person in the world - Merlin agrees!"
In goes Quasimodo and he
stays, a half hour, an hour, an hour and a half... Finally, he emerges
distraught, muttering - "Who the hell is Janet Reno?"
Friday, January 23, 1998
President Clinton looks up from his desk in the
Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him.
"What is it?"
yells the President.
"It's this abortion bill, Mr. President. What do you
want to do about it?" the aide asks.
"Just go ahead and pay it." responds the
Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the
season. The umpire walks up to the VIP section and says something. Suddenly
Clinton grabs Hillary by the collar and throws her over the wall onto the
The stunned umpired shouts, "No, Mr. President! I said, 'Throw the
Bill and Hillary are at a restaurant. The waiter tells
them tonight's specials are chicken almondine and fresh fish.
sounds good; I'll have that," Hillary says.
The waiter nods. "And the
vegetable?" he asks.
"Oh, he'll have the fish," Hillary
Q. Bill and Hillary are on a sinking boat. Who gets
A. The nation.
Q. What does Bill say to Hillary after
A: "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."
returns from a vacation in Arkansas and walks down the steps ofAir Force One
with two pigs under his arms. At the bottom of the steps, he says to the honor
guardsman, "These are genuine Arkansas Razor-Back Hogs. I got this one
Chelsea and this one for Hillary."
The guardsman replies, "Nice trade,
Thursday, January 22, 1998
I'll Do Anything
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work
cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was
so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman
noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward him. Before he
could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, 'I'll
do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky,
for $100 on one condition.'
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition
The young woman replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in
just three words.'
The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew
his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he
pressed into the young woman's hand.
He looked deeply into her eyes &
slowly, meaningfully said, 'Paint my house.'
Wednesday, January 21, 1998
Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the
cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at
it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his
rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast
but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as
he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to
stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin. The man jumped
up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one
while I go and get another!"
In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife
went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to
assist in the delivery.
To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor
handed him a lantern and said: "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm
Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.
Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think
there's yet another wee one to come."
Sure enough, within minutes he had
delivered a bonnie lass.
"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting
down that lantern, lad...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the
The Scot scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor:
"Do ye think it's the light thats attractin' them?"
Tuesday, January 20, 1998
Mabel, who is 60 years old, goes to her doctor for
physical. He examines her thoroughly and says "Mabel, i've got
good news and bad news for you."
Mabel said "What's the good news?"
doctor says "You are in wonderful shape. I can't find anything at all wrong with
Mabel then asked "What's the bad news?"
The doctor said "You're
Mabel flew out of his office. She was very upset, and ran home
and called her husband at work. When he answered, she said "You old goat-you got
After a long pause, he said "Who's calling?"
Monday, January 19, 1998
Last summer, the President and Mrs. Clinton were
vacationing in their home state of Arkansas. On a venture one day, they stopped
at a service station to fill up the car with gas. It seemed that the owner of
the station was once Hillary's high school love.
They exchanged hellos, and
went on their way.
As they were driving on to their destination, Bill put his
arm around Hillary and said, "Well, honey, if you had stayed with him, you would
be the wife of a service station owner today."
She smirked and replied, "No,
if I had stayed with him, he would be President of the United
Sunday, January 18, 1998
Before You Fly...
Here are some actual maintenance complaints
submitted by pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. Something to
think about before your next vacation flight.
Problem: "Left inside main
tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main
Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
"#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution: "#2 Propeller seepage
Problem: "#1, #3 and #4 propellers lack normal
Solution: "Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."
loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in
Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing
Solution: "Evidence removed."
Problem: "DME volume unbelievably
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."
bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."
"Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm
"Can not reproduce problem on ground."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."
"Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what
they're there for."
Problem: "Number three engine missing."
"Engine found on right wing after brief search."
Saturday, January 17, 1998
The Age of Consent
A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a
local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple
inside with the dome light on. Inside there was a young man in the driver's seat
reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat calmly
He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and
knocked. The young man looked up, obligingly cranked the window down, and said,
"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.
"What does it
look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine."
towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is
The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "I think
she's knitting a sweater."
Confused, the officer asked, "How old are you,
young man?" "I'm nineteen," he replied.
"And how old is she?" asked the
The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve
minutes she'll be eighteen."
Friday, January 16, 1998
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down
the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said "lookey
thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer
drinkin' these here beers!!"
"Don't worry, Bubba", Earl said. "We'll just
pull over and finish
drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick
it on our
foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat".
"Just let me do the talkin', OK?", said Earl.
finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put label on each of
their foreheads. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys
"No, sir", said Earl while pointing at the labels. "We're on
Thursday, January 15, 1998
The solemn-faced man entered the diner and took
the lunch counter stool next to mine. The smiling waiter greeted the new
customer and asked if he'd like the daily special.
"What is it?" queried the
"Beef tongue sandwich," the waiter replied, still
With the most disgusted expression on his face imaginable, the man
growled, "I wouldn't THINK of eating something that came out of an animal's
"Yes, sir," the undaunted waiter said; "Would you like a menu,
To which the finicky guy responded, "Oh, no-- just give me a fried egg
Wednesday, January 14, 1998
A 90 year-old man went to the Doctor to get a
physical. A few days later the Dr. saw the man walking down the street with a
gorgeous young lady on his arm. A couple of days later the Dr. talked to the man
and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
The man replied, "Just
doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."
said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."
Tuesday, January 13, 1998
One day, Heaven suddenly became extremely full,
and something had to be done. So The Lord decided to have St. Peter wait at the
gate and ask everyone how they died. If it was a grisly story they told, they
could go ahead into Heaven. But if not, they had to go to Hell.
man walks up and St. Peter tells him what's happening. "You see, Heaven is quite
full today, and we have to ask everyone how they died. If it sounds good, you
can go ahead. But if not, you go to Hell."
"Ok," the man says. "Well, for
awhile I've been suspecting my wife of cheating on me. So today I thought I'd
leave work early and catch her. Sure enough, I got to my apartment building and
she was lying naked on the bed. I ran all over the apartment searching for the
man but couldn't find him.
Then I remembered that we live on the 25th floor
of an apartment building, and we have a balcony. And there was the man, hanging
off my balcony. I beat at his hands and he just wouldn't let go, so I ran and
got a hammer and beat his hands until he fell into the bushes below. I saw he
was still alive so I got the refrigerator and pushed over the edge on top of
him. But the strain of the effort gave me a heart attack and I died.
St. Peter said. "That really is bad! You can go ahead..."
The next man
walked up and St. Peter gave his spiel about Heaven being full and the man would
have to tell his story.
"Ok," the second man said. "So I live on the 26th
floor of an apartment building, and everyday I do exercises on my balcony. Well,
today I fell over the edge, but luckily I caught the railing of the balcony
below me. But suddenly, this man came running out and started beating at my
hands. He ran back inside and I thought I was safe, but then he came back out
hammer and beat my hands again. I finally fell off, but luckily I landed
in the bushes below and they saved my life. But that wasn't enough for the man
because he pushed his refrigerator over the edge and it landed on me and killed
me. And now I'm here."
"Wow, that's a good one too! You can go ahead..."
The third man walked up and St. Peter again gave his spiel about Heaven
being full and the man would have to tell his story of how he died.
third man said. "I don't know what happened. I was hiding naked inside of a
Monday, January 12, 1998
Three health care professionals find themselves at
the Pearly Gates.
Saint Peter asks the first, "Why do you belong
The first replies, "I was a great surgeon. I have saved countless
"Welcome," says Saint Peter, "We've been expecting you." Saint Peter
then asks the second, "Why do you belong here?"
The second answers "I was a
family practitioner. I treated young and old alike. I made them well again."
"Welcome," says Saint Peter, "We've been expecting you."
Peter asks the third, "Why do you belong here?"
The third says, "I ran an
HMO. I helped allow for thousands to receive medical care."
Saint Peter, "But you can only stay a day and a half."
Sunday, January 11, 1998
Are you bored with that tired old
"We're not home right now, please leave a mesasage"? Well here are some novel
new messages for you to try. It will both amuse your friends and family, and
keep them wondering...
Hi. This is
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are
my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you
didn't lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money
reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing
something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it
left to right...real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing
our teeth we'll get back to you.
"Hi! John's answering machine is broken.
This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message
to myself with one of these magnets."
My wife and I can't come to the
phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you
as soon as we're finished.
(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a
magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable
maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling
at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in
vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.
"Hello, you are
talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need
siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity
through the office and don't need their picture taken. They are also VERY happy
with their current phone service. If you're still with me, leave your name and
number and they will get back to you."
The College Special.
A is for
academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a
He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If
you leave sexy message, I call sooner!
"Hi. I am probably home, I'm just
avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back,
"I'm sorry, I can't hear
"You'll have to speak up I really can't hear you" pause.
OK, stop yelling you've reached my answering machine. Please leave a
Saturday, January 10, 1998
Once upon a time there was a stork family - papa
stork, mama stork and baby stork. One evening papa stork didn't show up for
dinner. Mama stork and baby stork left the food out for him but he didn't come
home at all that night. When papa stork finally did come home the next day, baby
stork asked "Papa stork, where were you last night?"
"Out making a young
couple very happy," replied papa stork.
Several weeks later, mama stork was
late for dinner. Baby stork and papa stork waited a while, and then gave up and
ordered pizza. Mama stork didn't come home until late the next morning. When
mama stork did come in, baby stork asked "Mama stork, where were you last
"Out making a young couple very happy," replied mama
Later in the fall, baby stork was late for dinner. Papa stork and
mama stork were worried. Their anxiety increased when baby stork still wasn't
home by sunset. They both waited up late for baby stork but he didn't come in
until early in the morning. His feathers were rumpled and unkempt. Papa stork
barked, "Where the hell were you baby stork?"
As his tired son dragged
himself over the threshold, he replied
"Out scaring the hell out of college
Friday, January 9, 1998
Woman: "How's your history paper coming?"
"Well, my history professor suggested that I use the Internet for research and
it's been very helpful.
Man: "Yes! So far I've located 17
people who sell them!"
A man showed some friends his apartment. One guest
asked "What's that big brass basin for?"
"That's the talking clock," answered
the man. He gave it an ear shattering pound with a hammer.
Suddenly, a voice
on the other side of the wall screamed,
"Knock it off you idiot! Don't you
know that it's 2 a.m.?"
Thursday, January 8, 1998
A beautiful young girl was about to undergo a
minor operation. She's laid on a trolley bed by a lady in a white dress and
brought to the corridor.
Before they enter the room she left her behind the
theatre door to go in and check whether everything was ready.
A young man
wearing a white coat approached, took the sheet away and started examining her
naked body. He walked away and talked to another man in a white coat. The second
man came over and did the same examinations.
When a third man started
examining her body so closely, she grew impatient and said: "All these
examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the
The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders and said, "I
have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."
Wednesday, January 7, 1998
The Wrong Way
A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a
terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it
with you." After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser
finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he
He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to
fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the
attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan was that when he passed
away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.
weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife had gone up in the attic to
clean. Coming upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash she
exclaimed, "Oh, that darned old fool, I knew he should have had me put the money
in the basement."
Tuesday, January 6, 1998
The Wonders of
An institution for the mentally ill arranged for
its inmates to attend a baseball game. The director spent days training the
patients to obey his commands so there wouldn't be any trouble.
The day of
the game was bright and sunny, and the group arrived just before the first
pitch. When it was time for the national anthem, the director yelled, "Up,
nuts!" and the inmates immediately rose. When the national anthem was over, the
director yelled, "Down, nuts!" and the inmates sat. The game proceeded, and the
inmates were well behaved. When the home team made a good play, the director
yelled, "Clap, nuts!" and the patients applauded just like normal
Things were going so well that the director left his seat to go get a
hot dog and a beer. But when he came back, there was a riot going on.
director finally located his assistant and demanded, "What happened?"
"Everything was fine," the assistant said, "until some guy came over and
Monday, January 5, 1998
The New Preacher
A young new preacher was preparing his first
sermon to be delivered to his new congregation in a small rural town. Since he
was new and he really wanted to impress his "flock" with the oratory and
spiritual prowess he had learned at divinity school, he took extra care to
prepare his Sunday message. Unfortunately on Sunday morning, when he awoke to
prepare for his big day, he discovered that it had snowed the night before and
the snow was three feet deep. But he reasoned that the people in this town were
a hardy sort and would turn out for church, as usual.
When he arrived at the
church, he was somewhat disappointed to find that only one person had shown up.
He again reasoned that since this man had come to church in such bad weather
conditions, the man must have been in need of a spiritual uplifting, so he
decided to proceed with the full service.
The man in the pew sat and listened
attentively to the sermon, which lasted for about an hour and a half.
the service, the preacher, proud that he had certainly "wowed" his listener,
asked the man what he thought of the sermon.
The man replied, "Well,
preacher, the sermon was good but, I'm a farmer and, in weather like this, if I
had taken a wagonload of hay out to the field to feed my cows and only one cow
showed up, I certainly wouldn't have fed that cow the whole damn
Sunday, January 4, 1998
Two young nuns having just been ordained were on a
holiday in New York City and were standing in front of the gorilla cage at the
The gorilla took one look at this beautiful young nun, bent the
bars, lept to the ground and ravished her. Then he went back into his cage,
straightened the bars and resumed thumping on his massive chest.
nun got up off the ground, straightened and dusted her clothes, turned to her
companion and said,"We shall never talk about this, agreed?" The other young nun
Twenty five years later the two nuns, who had stayed close
friend, were out having coffee, when all of the sudden, the second nun asked her
friend," I know I agreed never to talk about the event at the zoo but I have one
The other nun stared and said,"O.K., one question!"
nun stammered, then asked, "Did it hurt?"
"Did it hurt? Oh yes it hurt! He
never called..., he never phoned..., he never sent flowers...!"
Saturday, January 3, 1998
Going To Church
A friend was in front of me coming out of church
one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake
hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside
The Pastor said
to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm
already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I
don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the
Friday, January 2, 1998
Bad News and Really Bad News
Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn
in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees
"The President Must Die" written in urine across the snow.
Well, old Bill is
pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff's HQ, and yells "Somebody
wrote a death threat in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they wrote it in
urine! Son-of-a-bitch had to be standing right on the porch when he did it!
Where were you guys?!"
The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at
Bill hollers "Well dammit, don't just sit there! Get out and FIND
OUT WHO DID IT! I want an answer, and I want it TONIGHT!"
The entire staff
immediately jump up and race for the exits.
Later that evening, his chief
security officer approaches him and says "Well Mr. President, we have some bad
news and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?"
"Oh hell, give me the bad news first."
The officer says "Well, we took a
sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Al
Clinton says "Oh my god, I feel so... so... betrayed! My own
Damn. ...Well, what's the really bad news?"
replies "Well, it's Hillary's handwriting."
Thursday, January 1, 1998
A farmer, having hitched his horse and wagon,
drove in to the railroad depot to pick up his new mail-order bride. Having
stowed her luggage in the back and placing the new bride on the seat beside him,
he picked up the reins, gave the horse a flick across the rump. The horse
promptly stumbled in his traces. The farmer pulled and tugged around until he
got the horse back up and heading down the road.
"Thats ONCE!!!!"said the
They continued on for a mile or so and the horse stepped in a pothole
in the dusty road and tripped again. At which the farmer, again wrestled to get
the horse back on his feet .
"Thats TWICE!!!!" said the farmer as they
started back down the road again.
A short distance further, as they started
to negotiate a turn, the horse tripped AGAIN!!! At this, the farmer quietly
reached to the wagon floor beneath his feet and lifted his 30-30 Winchester,
levered a shell into the breach, sighted, and shot the horse squarely between
the ears!!!! The horse dropped dead in his tracks!
"DAMMIT Hiram" said the
new bride, "Now look what you have done! You know its twenty miles on to the
farm and I have all this luggage.....How could you be so stupid????"
farmer slowly turned to face the new bride and quietly said....."THATS