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January, 1998

Saturday, January 31, 1998

The Mime

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office.
The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.
At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.
Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces.
The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

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Friday, January 30, 1998

The Bed

This L.A. guy bought a brand new Mercedes, and as luck would have it, he pulls up to a stoplight next to a guy with the same car. They eyed each other and the other guy said, "You got a phone in yours?"
"Yes, I've got a phone!"
"You got a TV?"
"Yes, I've got a TV!"
"You got a bed in yours?"
"A bed??? No!" he replies dejectedly.
The light changed and they took off. This got to working on the guy. He thought he had everything. So, he turns around and drives straight to the dealership and tells them he wants a bed put in. They tell him that Mercedes don't come with beds, but the man was adamant and demanded a bed be installed. Finally, they said they'd figure out a way. The guy picks up his car and for the next two weeks drives all over L.A. looking for that guy to show him that he had a bed, too. He finally spots the car in a parking lot and pulls in beside it. He gets out and knocks on the window. No answer. He knocks again. No answer. He starts to walk away when the window rolls slowly down a bit and the guy growls, "What do you want?"
He says, "I got a bed in my car!"
The guy replies, "You got me out of the shower just to tell me that?"

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Thursday, January 29, 1998

Big Trouble

In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wit's end trying to control them.
Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys.
The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the priest.
The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"
The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing.
Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"
Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Where is God?"
The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, "We are in BIG trouble."
The older boy asked, "What do you mean, BIG trouble?"
His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it."

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Wednesday, January 28, 1998

Difficulty Accepting

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the bartender "Give me six double vodka."
The barman says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said "Damn! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife..."

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Tuesday, January 27, 1998

Joining the Church

Three married couples went to a local pastor to inquire if they could join his church.The preacher was pleased with their interest but insisted that they pass a test."To show your sincerity" he told them you must practice total abstinence for two weeks.
Two weeks later the three couples returned to the church."Well how did you do?"the pastor asked the first couple.
"We have been married for 20 years," the man answered "It was no problem."
"Great. I would like to welcome you to our church," the pastor said. He then turned to the second couple and asked how they had managed.
"It wasn't easy," the woman said. "we have been married for only 3 years so we had some dificult moments, but we didn't give in."
"Wonderfulthe pastor replied. "I would like to welcome you to our church."He then turned and asked the last couple who were newlyweds.
"I can't lie," the man said. "We were both doing fine until this morning at breakfast when she dropped her napkin on the floor. We both reached down to pick it up and our eyes met. Our hearts were so overcome with passion that we gave in right then and there."
"I understand, my children," the pastor said, " but I am afraaid I can't let you attend our church."
"Thats okay," the man replied. "We aren't allowed back in that diner anymore either."

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Monday, January 26, 1998

The Diet

Mr Lee was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him in a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When Mr Lee returned, he shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
Mr Lee nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from skipping."

From the Bathroom Walls...

Make love, not war. -Hell, do both: get married!
Women's restroom, - The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana

I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.
- Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
- Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
- Revolution Books. New York, New York.

At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
- Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona.

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!
- Men's restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C.

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Sunday, January 25, 1998

The Newborn

A baby was born that was so advanced that he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor. "Are you my doctor?" he asked.
"Yes, I am."
The baby said "Thank you for taking such good care of me during birth."
He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?"
"Yes, I am," she said.
"Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born" he said.
He then looked at his father and asked "Are you my father?"
"Yes, I am," his father answered.
The baby motioned him close, then poked him on the forehead with his index finger 5 times, saying "I want you to know that THAT HURTS!"

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Saturday, January 24, 1998

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Quasimodo

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Quasimodo were having a terrible fight.
"I am the most beautiful person in the world!" proclaimed Sleeping Beauty.
"No, you're not!" answered Quasimodo and Tom Thumb.
"I am the smallest person in the world!" shouted Tom Thumb.
"No, you're not!" said Sleeping Beauty and Quasimodo.
"I am the ugliest person in the world!" announced Quasimodo.
"No, you aren't!" replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty.
They decided that the three needed a mediator, and that Merlin, the smartest person in the world, would be ideal.
Merlin agreed and summoned them all to his palace, where he announced he would meet with them one at a time.
Sleeping Beauty went in first and not a minute later came out beaming - "I am the most beautiful person in the world, Merlin said so!"
In went Tom Thumb and out he came, as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty - "I am the smallest person in the world - Merlin agrees!"
In goes Quasimodo and he stays, a half hour, an hour, an hour and a half... Finally, he emerges distraught, muttering - "Who the hell is Janet Reno?"

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Friday, January 23, 1998

Bubba Bashing

President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him.
"What is it?" yells the President.
"It's this abortion bill, Mr. President. What do you want to do about it?" the aide asks.
"Just go ahead and pay it." responds the President.


Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the season. The umpire walks up to the VIP section and says something. Suddenly Clinton grabs Hillary by the collar and throws her over the wall onto the field.
The stunned umpired shouts, "No, Mr. President! I said, 'Throw the first PITCH!'"


Bill and Hillary are at a restaurant. The waiter tells them tonight's specials are chicken almondine and fresh fish.
"The chicken sounds good; I'll have that," Hillary says.
The waiter nods. "And the vegetable?" he asks.
"Oh, he'll have the fish," Hillary replies.


Q. Bill and Hillary are on a sinking boat. Who gets saved?
A. The nation.


Q. What does Bill say to Hillary after having sex?
A: "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."


Clinton returns from a vacation in Arkansas and walks down the steps ofAir Force One with two pigs under his arms. At the bottom of the steps, he says to the honor guardsman, "These are genuine Arkansas Razor-Back Hogs. I got this one for
Chelsea and this one for Hillary."
The guardsman replies, "Nice trade, Sir."

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Thursday, January 22, 1998

I'll Do Anything You Want

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition.'
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.
The young woman replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'
The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.
He looked deeply into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, 'Paint my house.'

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Wednesday, January 21, 1998

Bear Hunting

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin. The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"

The Delivery

In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said: "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."
Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.
"Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another wee one to come."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass.
"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, lad...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.
The Scot scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor: "Do ye think it's the light thats attractin' them?"

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Tuesday, January 20, 1998

Annual Physical

Mabel, who is 60 years old, goes to her doctor for her annual
physical. He examines her thoroughly and says "Mabel, i've got good news and bad news for you."
Mabel said "What's the good news?"
The doctor says "You are in wonderful shape. I can't find anything at all wrong with you."
Mabel then asked "What's the bad news?"
The doctor said "You're pregnant!"
Mabel flew out of his office. She was very upset, and ran home and called her husband at work. When he answered, she said "You old goat-you got me pregnant!"
After a long pause, he said "Who's calling?"

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Monday, January 19, 1998

Reality Expressed

Last summer, the President and Mrs. Clinton were vacationing in their home state of Arkansas. On a venture one day, they stopped at a service station to fill up the car with gas. It seemed that the owner of the station was once Hillary's high school love.
They exchanged hellos, and went on their way.
As they were driving on to their destination, Bill put his arm around Hillary and said, "Well, honey, if you had stayed with him, you would be the wife of a service station owner today."
She smirked and replied, "No, if I had stayed with him, he would be President of the United States."

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Sunday, January 18, 1998

Before You Fly...

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. Something to think about before your next vacation flight.

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."

Problem: "#1, #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."
Solution: "Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm
descent."
Solution: "Can not reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

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Saturday, January 17, 1998

The Age of Consent

A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. Inside there was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat calmly knitting.
He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, obligingly cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, Officer?"
"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.
"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine."
Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"
The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "I think she's knitting a sweater."
Confused, the officer asked, "How old are you, young man?" "I'm nineteen," he replied.
"And how old is she?" asked the officer.
The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."

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Friday, January 16, 1998

Drinking Buddies

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said "lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"
"Don't worry, Bubba", Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish
drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our
foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat".
"What fer?", asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', OK?", said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put label on each of their foreheads. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"
"No, sir", said Earl while pointing at the labels. "We're on the
patch".

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Thursday, January 15, 1998

Grumpy Decisions

The solemn-faced man entered the diner and took the lunch counter stool next to mine. The smiling waiter greeted the new customer and asked if he'd like the daily special.
"What is it?" queried the unsmiling newcomer.
"Beef tongue sandwich," the waiter replied, still smiling.
With the most disgusted expression on his face imaginable, the man growled, "I wouldn't THINK of eating something that came out of an animal's mouth!!"
"Yes, sir," the undaunted waiter said; "Would you like a menu, then?"
To which the finicky guy responded, "Oh, no-- just give me a fried egg sandwich...

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Wednesday, January 14, 1998

Hearing Right

A 90 year-old man went to the Doctor to get a physical. A few days later the Dr. saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. A couple of days later the Dr. talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."
The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."

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Tuesday, January 13, 1998

HEAVEN'S FULL...

One day, Heaven suddenly became extremely full, and something had to be done. So The Lord decided to have St. Peter wait at the gate and ask everyone how they died. If it was a grisly story they told, they could go ahead into Heaven. But if not, they had to go to Hell.
The first man walks up and St. Peter tells him what's happening. "You see, Heaven is quite full today, and we have to ask everyone how they died. If it sounds good, you can go ahead. But if not, you go to Hell."
"Ok," the man says. "Well, for awhile I've been suspecting my wife of cheating on me. So today I thought I'd leave work early and catch her. Sure enough, I got to my apartment building and she was lying naked on the bed. I ran all over the apartment searching for the man but couldn't find him.
Then I remembered that we live on the 25th floor of an apartment building, and we have a balcony. And there was the man, hanging off my balcony. I beat at his hands and he just wouldn't let go, so I ran and got a hammer and beat his hands until he fell into the bushes below. I saw he was still alive so I got the refrigerator and pushed over the edge on top of him. But the strain of the effort gave me a heart attack and I died.
"Wow!" St. Peter said. "That really is bad! You can go ahead..."
The next man walked up and St. Peter gave his spiel about Heaven being full and the man would have to tell his story.
"Ok," the second man said. "So I live on the 26th floor of an apartment building, and everyday I do exercises on my balcony. Well, today I fell over the edge, but luckily I caught the railing of the balcony below me. But suddenly, this man came running out and started beating at my hands. He ran back inside and I thought I was safe, but then he came back out with
hammer and beat my hands again. I finally fell off, but luckily I landed in the bushes below and they saved my life. But that wasn't enough for the man because he pushed his refrigerator over the edge and it landed on me and killed me. And now I'm here."
"Wow, that's a good one too! You can go ahead..."
The third man walked up and St. Peter again gave his spiel about Heaven being full and the man would have to tell his story of how he died.
"Ok," the third man said. "I don't know what happened. I was hiding naked inside of a refrigerator..."

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Monday, January 12, 1998

Medical Admissions

Three health care professionals find themselves at the Pearly Gates.
Saint Peter asks the first, "Why do you belong here?"
The first replies, "I was a great surgeon. I have saved countless lives."
"Welcome," says Saint Peter, "We've been expecting you." Saint Peter then asks the second, "Why do you belong here?"
The second answers "I was a family practitioner. I treated young and old alike. I made them well again."
"Welcome," says Saint Peter, "We've been expecting you."
Finally, Saint Peter asks the third, "Why do you belong here?"
The third says, "I ran an HMO. I helped allow for thousands to receive medical care."
"Okay," replies Saint Peter, "But you can only stay a day and a half."

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Sunday, January 11, 1998

ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES

Are you bored with that tired old "We're not home right now, please leave a mesasage"? Well here are some novel new messages for you to try. It will both amuse your friends and family, and keep them wondering...

Hi. This is John:
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money

Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right...real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."

My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.

"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. They are also VERY happy with their current phone service. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."

The College Special.
A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave sexy message, I call sooner!

"Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."

"Hello" pause.
"Hello" pause.
"I'm sorry, I can't hear you" pause.
"You'll have to speak up I really can't hear you" pause.
"OK, OK, stop yelling you've reached my answering machine. Please leave a message."

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Saturday, January 10, 1998

Stork Family....

Once upon a time there was a stork family - papa stork, mama stork and baby stork. One evening papa stork didn't show up for dinner. Mama stork and baby stork left the food out for him but he didn't come home at all that night. When papa stork finally did come home the next day, baby stork asked "Papa stork, where were you last night?"
"Out making a young couple very happy," replied papa stork.
Several weeks later, mama stork was late for dinner. Baby stork and papa stork waited a while, and then gave up and ordered pizza. Mama stork didn't come home until late the next morning. When mama stork did come in, baby stork asked "Mama stork, where were you last night?"
"Out making a young couple very happy," replied mama stork.

Later in the fall, baby stork was late for dinner. Papa stork and mama stork were worried. Their anxiety increased when baby stork still wasn't home by sunset. They both waited up late for baby stork but he didn't come in until early in the morning. His feathers were rumpled and unkempt. Papa stork barked, "Where the hell were you baby stork?"
As his tired son dragged himself over the threshold, he replied
"Out scaring the hell out of college students!"

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Friday, January 9, 1998

Term Paper

Woman: "How's your history paper coming?"
Man: "Well, my history professor suggested that I use the Internet for research and it's been very helpful.
Woman: "Really?"
Man: "Yes! So far I've located 17 people who sell them!"

The Talking Clock

A man showed some friends his apartment. One guest asked "What's that big brass basin for?"
"That's the talking clock," answered the man. He gave it an ear shattering pound with a hammer.
Suddenly, a voice on the other side of the wall screamed,
"Knock it off you idiot! Don't you know that it's 2 a.m.?"

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Thursday, January 8, 1998

The Operation

A beautiful young girl was about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a trolley bed by a lady in a white dress and brought to the corridor.
Before they enter the room she left her behind the theatre door to go in and check whether everything was ready.
A young man wearing a white coat approached, took the sheet away and started examining her naked body. He walked away and talked to another man in a white coat. The second man came over and did the same examinations.
When a third man started examining her body so closely, she grew impatient and said: "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?"
The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders and said, "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."

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Wednesday, January 7, 1998

The Wrong Way

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you." After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died.
He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan was that when he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.
Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife had gone up in the attic to clean. Coming upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash she exclaimed, "Oh, that darned old fool, I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."

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Tuesday, January 6, 1998

The Wonders of "Training"

An institution for the mentally ill arranged for its inmates to attend a baseball game. The director spent days training the patients to obey his commands so there wouldn't be any trouble.
The day of the game was bright and sunny, and the group arrived just before the first pitch. When it was time for the national anthem, the director yelled, "Up, nuts!" and the inmates immediately rose. When the national anthem was over, the director yelled, "Down, nuts!" and the inmates sat. The game proceeded, and the inmates were well behaved. When the home team made a good play, the director yelled, "Clap, nuts!" and the patients applauded just like normal fans.
Things were going so well that the director left his seat to go get a hot dog and a beer. But when he came back, there was a riot going on.
The director finally located his assistant and demanded, "What happened?"
"Everything was fine," the assistant said, "until some guy came over and yelled, "Peanuts!"

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Monday, January 5, 1998

The New Preacher

A young new preacher was preparing his first sermon to be delivered to his new congregation in a small rural town. Since he was new and he really wanted to impress his "flock" with the oratory and spiritual prowess he had learned at divinity school, he took extra care to prepare his Sunday message. Unfortunately on Sunday morning, when he awoke to prepare for his big day, he discovered that it had snowed the night before and the snow was three feet deep. But he reasoned that the people in this town were a hardy sort and would turn out for church, as usual.
When he arrived at the church, he was somewhat disappointed to find that only one person had shown up. He again reasoned that since this man had come to church in such bad weather conditions, the man must have been in need of a spiritual uplifting, so he decided to proceed with the full service.
The man in the pew sat and listened attentively to the sermon, which lasted for about an hour and a half.
After the service, the preacher, proud that he had certainly "wowed" his listener, asked the man what he thought of the sermon.
The man replied, "Well, preacher, the sermon was good but, I'm a farmer and, in weather like this, if I had taken a wagonload of hay out to the field to feed my cows and only one cow showed up, I certainly wouldn't have fed that cow the whole damn load!"

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Sunday, January 4, 1998

THE GORILLA

Two young nuns having just been ordained were on a holiday in New York City and were standing in front of the gorilla cage at the Bronx Zoo.
The gorilla took one look at this beautiful young nun, bent the bars, lept to the ground and ravished her. Then he went back into his cage, straightened the bars and resumed thumping on his massive chest.
The young nun got up off the ground, straightened and dusted her clothes, turned to her companion and said,"We shall never talk about this, agreed?" The other young nun consented.
Twenty five years later the two nuns, who had stayed close friend, were out having coffee, when all of the sudden, the second nun asked her friend," I know I agreed never to talk about the event at the zoo but I have one question."
The other nun stared and said,"O.K., one question!"
The other nun stammered, then asked, "Did it hurt?"
"Did it hurt? Oh yes it hurt! He never called..., he never phoned..., he never sent flowers...!"

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Saturday, January 3, 1998

Going To Church

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service.

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Friday, January 2, 1998

Bad News and Really Bad News

Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees "The President Must Die" written in urine across the snow.
Well, old Bill is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff's HQ, and yells "Somebody wrote a death threat in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they wrote it in urine! Son-of-a-bitch had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!"
The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor.
Bill hollers "Well dammit, don't just sit there! Get out and FIND OUT WHO DID IT! I want an answer, and I want it TONIGHT!"
The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits.
Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says "Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?"
Clinton says "Oh hell, give me the bad news first."
The officer says "Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Al Gore's urine."
Clinton says "Oh my god, I feel so... so... betrayed! My own vice president!
Damn. ...Well, what's the really bad news?"
The officer replies "Well, it's Hillary's handwriting."

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Thursday, January 1, 1998

Three Strikes

A farmer, having hitched his horse and wagon, drove in to the railroad depot to pick up his new mail-order bride. Having stowed her luggage in the back and placing the new bride on the seat beside him, he picked up the reins, gave the horse a flick across the rump. The horse promptly stumbled in his traces. The farmer pulled and tugged around until he got the horse back up and heading down the road.
"Thats ONCE!!!!"said the farmer.
They continued on for a mile or so and the horse stepped in a pothole in the dusty road and tripped again. At which the farmer, again wrestled to get the horse back on his feet .
"Thats TWICE!!!!" said the farmer as they started back down the road again.
A short distance further, as they started to negotiate a turn, the horse tripped AGAIN!!! At this, the farmer quietly reached to the wagon floor beneath his feet and lifted his 30-30 Winchester, levered a shell into the breach, sighted, and shot the horse squarely between the ears!!!! The horse dropped dead in his tracks!
"DAMMIT Hiram" said the new bride, "Now look what you have done! You know its twenty miles on to the farm and I have all this luggage.....How could you be so stupid????"
The farmer slowly turned to face the new bride and quietly said....."THATS ONCE"

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