January 1 - 31,
Sunday, January 31,
Actual Airline Bloopers
Here are some actual statements
by several airline flights crews, and occasionally, airline attendants make an
effort to make the "In-flight safety lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are
some real examples that have been heard or reported.
"As we prepare for
takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in
their most uncomfortable position."
"There may be 50 ways to leave your
lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water
landing, please take them with our compliments."
"We do feature a smoking
section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew
and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane."
"Smoking in the
lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be
asked to leave the plane immediately."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached
our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel
free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...
it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight
Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our
cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching on
the auto pilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the
rest of the flight."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at
Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop
from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before
assisting children or adults acting like children."
"As you exit the
plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind
will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave
children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the
best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this
This is an actual joke I heard on Southwest Airlines, just after
a very hard landing in Salt Lake City; one of the most bone jarring I've
experienced,. the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was
quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you, it wasn't
the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
attendants' fault...it was the asphalt!"
"The weather at our destination
is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before
"Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money,
more than Southwest Airlines."
Overheard on an American Airlines flight
into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final
approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard
landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and
Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts
fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the
Another Flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask that you please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
Tuesday, Jan 26 - Saturday, Jan
Have you ever wished you didn't hit
SAVE so quick?
Sorry but I lost the above 5 jokes :(
Monday, January 25,
A new man is brought into
Prison Cell 102.
Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years
The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.
The old-timer says,
"Look at me. I'm old and worn out.
You'd never believe that I used to live
the life of Riley.
I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the
most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France."
new man asked, "What happened?"
"One day Riley reported his credit cards
Handible and Elbob
Two cannibals, Handible and
Elbob meet one day. Handible said, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender
Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, stewed them, I've barbecued
them, I've tried every sort of marinade. Just can't seem to get them
Elbob asked, "What kind of Missionary do you use?"
know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend in the river. They have
those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top
with a funny ring of hair on their heads."
"Aha!" the Elbob exclaimed, "No
wonder! Those are fryers!"
Sunday, January 24,
Two men named Richard Hanson
lived near each other. One was a minister and the other was a businessman. The
minister passed away about the same time as the businessman went on a trip to
When the businessman arrived, he sent a telegram to his wife
informing her of his safe arrival. Unfortunately, the message was delivered to
the wife of the recently deceased minister.
The telegram read: "ARRIVED
SAFELY;HEAT HERE TERRIFIC."
Saturday, January 23,
There was a husband and his
wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells,
"ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly.
The wife is extremely embarrassed, and
the husband looks at the drunk and says" Excuse me, you just farted before my
The drunks replies," I'm sorry I didn't know it was her
Friday, January 22,
A man returned home from the
night shift and went straight up to the bedroom and found his wife with the
sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the husband crawled
under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her.
Afterward, as he hurried
downstairs for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table
and his wife pouring coffee.
"How'd you get down her so fast?" he asked. "We
were just making love!"
"Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up
there! She came over early and had complained of having a headache. I told her
to lie down for awhile."
Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom.
"Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?"
mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for fifteen years and I
wasn't about to start now!"
Thursday, January 21,
Mechanic's Tool Guide
HAMMER: Originally employed as
a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate
expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons
delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats
and motorcycle jackets.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning
steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works
great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes
to the rear wheel.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It
transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you
attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of
OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease
inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket
you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
DRILL PRESS: A tall
upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your
hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room,
splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.
WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and
hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say,
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the
ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the
jack handle firmly under the front fender.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR
2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten
times harder than any known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic
instrument for illuminating grease buildup.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE
HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake
lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH
SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately
machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car
battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is
dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See
TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes
called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"
which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside,
its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that
105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the
Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of
old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used,
as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A
machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away
and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago
Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by
someone in Springfield, and rounds them off.
PRY BAR: A tool used to
crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order
to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch
Wednesday, January 20,
Those German controllers at
Frankfurt Airport tend to be a short-tempered lot. They not only expect pilots
to know their parking location but how to get there without any assistance. So
it was with some amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to the following
exchange between Frankfurt ground and a TWA 747 (radio call TWA 206) after
TWA 206: "Good morning Frankfurt. TWA 206 clear to
Ground: "Good Morning. Taxi to your gate."
The TWA 747
pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.
Ground: "TWA, do you know where
you are going?"
TWA 206: "Stand by, ground. I'm looking up the gate
Ground (impatiently): "TWA 206, have you never flown to
TWA 206 (coolly), "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't
Tuesday, January 19,
As a senior citizen was driving
down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's
voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car
going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman,
"It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
Monday, January 18,
Ole and Lena were sitting down
to their usual cup of morning coffee listening to the weather report
coming over the radio. "There will be 3 to 5
inches of snow today and a snow
emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of
the streets." Ole got up from his coffee and replies "Jeez, OK."
later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of morning coffee
and the weather forecast is, "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a
snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered
side of the streets." Ole got up from his coffee and replies, "Jeez,
Three days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups
of coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be 6 to 8 inches of
snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on
the..." and then the power went out and Ole didn't get the rest of the
instructions. He says to Lena, "Jeez, what am I going to do now, Lena?"
replies, "Aw, Ole, yust leave the car in the
Sister Catherine was asking all
the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow
Little Sheila said, "When I grow up, I want to be a
Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide and she barked, "What did you
"A prostitute!" Sheila exclaimed.
Sister Catherine breathed a sight
of relief and said, "Whew! Thank God! I thought you said 'A Protestant'!"
Sunday, January 17,
Neurotic: Someone who builds
castles in the air.
Psychotic: Someone who lives
in those castles.
Psychoanalyst: The one who
collects the rent.
Saturday, January 16,
It was the final examination
for an introductory English course at the UW. Like many such freshman courses,
it was designed to weed out new students, having over 800 students in the class!
The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The
professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his
desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would
1/2 hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the
professor for an exam booklet. "You're not going to have time to finish this,"
the professor said, as he handed the student a booklet.
"Yes I will,"
replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing.
hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed
them in. All except the late student, who continued writing.
later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk
preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam
booklets already there.
"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's
The student looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know who I
"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air
of sarcasm in his voice.
"Do you know who I am?" the student asked
"No, and I don't care," replied the professor with an air of
"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of
completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the
Friday, January 15,
Sitting on the side of the
highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car
puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as
dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies-two
in the front seat and three in the back-wide eyed and white as ghosts. The
driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was
doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving
slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed
limit exactly...Twenty- two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her
that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed,
the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in
this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single
peep this whole time," the officer asks with concern.
"Oh, they'll be
all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route
Thursday, January 14,
A businessman who needed
millions of dollars to clinch an important deal went to church to pray for the
money. By chance he knelt next to a man who was praying for $100 to pay an
The businessman took out his wallet and pressed $100 into
the other man's hand. Overjoyed, the man got up and left the church.
businessman then closed his eyes and prayed: "And now, Lord, that I have your
Wednesday, January 13,
VS. THE TEACHERS
TEACHER: How old were you on
your last birthday?
TEACHER: How old will you be on your
TEACHER: That's impossible.
it isn't, Teacher. I'm eight today.
TEACHER: George, go to the map
and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class,
who discovered America?
TEACHER: Willy, name one
important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.
TEACHER: Why are you
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
SILVIA: Dad, can you write in
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
name on this report card.
TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot
SAMMY: You can't fool me, Teacher... snakes don't have
TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting
JOSE: Don't bite any.
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence
starting with "I".
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the
MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave
JUNIOR: You said it was my lunch money.
TEACHER: If I had
seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I
CLASS COMEDIAN: Big hands!
Tuesday, January 12,
Grounds for Divorce
A woman goes into her lawyers
office requesting a divorce. He is taking all of her background information and
asks her, "Do you have grounds for a divorce?"
To which she replies, "Well,
we have three acres."
"No, ma'am. What I mean is, does he beat you up?" asks
"No, I get up around 6:30 and he sleeps until 7:00," she
Feeling a little frustrated the attorney asks, "Lady, tell me, do
you have a grudge?"
Looking very confident she states, "No, we have a
At this point the lawyer has lost his patience and asks, "Look,
Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Because he can't hold an intelligent
Monday, January 11,
A bus station is where a bus
stops. A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk I have a work
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed
I believe five out of four people have trouble with
If quitters never win, and winners never quit,
came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
Do Lipton employees
What hair color do they put on
the driver's licenses
of bald men?
I was thinking that women should
put pictures of
missing husbands on beer cans.
I was thinking about how people seem to
read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on
they were cramming for their finals.
I thought about how mothers
feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese
mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?
Employment application blanks always ask
who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write...A Good
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do... write to these men?
Why don't they just
put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them
while they deliver the mail?
Sunday, January 10,
Church: A place where you
encounter nodding acquaintances.
Wife: "Did you see that hat
Mrs. Jones was wearing?"
Wife: "Did you see that dress Mrs.
Smith was wearing?"
Wife: " A lot of good it does you to go
"If absence makes the heart
grow fonder," said a minister, "a lot of folks must love our
Saturday, January 9,
The solemn-faced man entered
the diner and took the lunch counter stool next to mine. The smiling waiter
greeted the new customer and asked if he'd like the daily special.
it?" queried the unsmiling newcomer.
"Beef tongue sandwich," the waiter
replied, still smiling.
With the most disgusted expression on his face
imaginable, the man growled, "I wouldn't THINK of eating something that came out
of an animal's mouth!!"
"Yes, sir," the undaunted waiter said; "Would you
like a menu, then?"
To which the finicky guy responded, "No -- just give me a
fried egg sandwich.
Friday, January 8,
A 61 year old male had an
appointment to see a urologist who had his office with several other doctors.
The waiting room was the size of a small auditorium, and it was filled with
He approached the desk and gave the receptionist -- a large,
imposing woman who looked like a wrestler, his name.
In a very loud voice
she repeated my name, then said, "Yes, I see your name here-----you want to see
the doctor about IMPOTENCE, right?
He was stunned, but recovered his
composure sufficiently to reply in an equally loud voice, "No, I've come to
inquire about a sex change operation---and I'd like the same doctor who did
Thursday, January 7,
A Sunday school teacher asked
her students to draw a picture of the Holy Family. After the pictures were
brought to her, she saw that most of the children drew conventional pictures -
the Holy Family and the manger, the Holy Family riding a mule, etc.
called on one boy to explain his picture which showed 4 heads sticking out of
the plane windows.
"I can understand you drew the heads of Jesus, Mary and
Joseph" she said, " But who is the fourth head?"
"Oh," answered the boy,
"That's Pontius the pilot!"
Wednesday, January 6,
"I suppose," snarled the
leathery sergeant to the private, "that when you're discharged from the Army,
you'll wait for me to die just so you can spit on my grave."
observed the private. "When I get out of the Army, I never want to stand in line
Two hunters were dragging their
dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along
"Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something... but I can save
you some sweat in taking out that carcass.
"Huh. Ok. Hey, thanks," one of
the twosome replied looking up appreciately.
The third hunter said, "If
you would pull it the other direction it would be easier," nodding as he
After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.
little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that guy was right.
This is a lot easier!"
"Yeah", the other added, "but we're getting
farther from the car!"
Tuesday, January 5,
A very shy guy goes into a bar
and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his
courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind
if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top
of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now
staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and
he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to
him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you.
You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people
respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of
his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
Monday, January 4,
A Catholic priest, a Protestant
minister, and a Jewish rabbi were discussing when life begins.
begins," said the priest, "at the moment of fertilization. That is when God
instills the spark of life into the fetus."
"We believe," said the
minister, "that life begins at birth, because that is when the baby becomes an
individual and is capable of making its own decisions and must learn about
"You've both got it wrong," said the rabbi. "Life begins when the
children have graduated from college and moved out of the
The wedding date was set and
the grooms three pals- a carpenter, an electrician, and a dentist- were deciding
what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.
decided that he would saw the slats off their bed.
The electrician figured
that wiring the bed with alternating current would give them a few
The dentist would not tell what he had done, but wore a sly grin
and swore that it would be memorable.
The wedding and reception went as
planned. A few days later, each of the groom's three friends received a letter
saying the following:
"Dear friends, we did not mind the bed slats being
sawed. The electric shock was only a minor setback But I am going to kill the
S.O.B. that put Novocain in the K-Y Jelly."
Sunday, January 3,
If you mixed vodka with orange
juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Phillip's Screwdriver?
we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Do infants enjoy
infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a pig loses its voice, is it
Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't
they be wearing night gowns?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put
your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Why is the man who
invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight
packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
When cheese gets it's
picture taken, what does it say?
Why is it that a person who plays the
piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car is not called a
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
If horrific means to make
horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
Why isn't 11 pronounced
"I am " is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English
language. Could it be that "I do " is the longest sentence?
paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Why is it that if someone tells you
that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if
they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be
Saturday, January 2,
One night, at the lodge of a
hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown
around. The man leading them around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair
by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories
you'll never forget."
They awakened the old man and asked him to tell
them a hunting story.
"Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion
hunting exposition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without
seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest my feet. I found
a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell
asleep. I don't know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a noise in the
bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest lion I ever seen jumped out
of the bushes at me like this, ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!....... I tell
you, I just crapped in my pants."
The young men looked astonished and
one of them said, "I don't blame you, I would have crapped my pants too if a
lion jumped out at me."
The old man shook his head and said, "No, no,
not then, just now when I said ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!
Friday, January 1,
Stumpy Grinder and his wife
Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and
every year Stumpy said " Ya know Mahtha, I'd like ta get a ride in that theah
aihplane." And every year Martha
would say "I know Stumpy, but that aihplane
ride costs ten dollahs.... and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."
So Stumpy says "
By Jeebers Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old, if I don't go this time I may nevah go."
Martha replies " Stumpy, that there aihplane ride is ten dollahs...and ten
dollahs is ten dollahs."
So the pilot overhears them and says " Folks, I'll
make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride, if you can stay quiet for the
entire ride and not say ONE word, I won't charge you, but just one word and it's
They agree and up they go.... the pilot does all kinds of
twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard, he does it one more
time, still nothing... so he lands.
He turns to Stumpy as they come to a
stop and says " By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to holler
out, but you didn't."
And Stumpy replies " Well, I was gonna say something
when Mahtha fell out...but ten dollahs is ten dollahs!"