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chuckle

February, 2003

Friday, February 28, 2003

Tie Required

A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission.

So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free.

He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything."

Thursday, February 27, 2003

Credit Card Payment

A customer called the airline's reservation office to pay for his ticket with a credit card.  The reservation specialist asked him, "Would you please spell the name as it appears on the card, sir?"

The customer carefully replied, "V-I-S-A."

Wednesday, February 26, 2003

In A Child's Mind

A mother was showing her boy how to zip up his coat. "The secret," she said, "is to get the left part of the zipper to fit in the other side before you try to zip it up."

The boy looked at her quizzically... "Why does it have to be a secret?"

Tuesday, February 25, 2003

Fortune Scale

A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin.

 "Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright,
resourceful and a great lover."

"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."

Monday, February 24, 2003

New Shoes

A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes. "How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.

"Well ... they feel a bit tight." replies the man.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the mans feet. "Try pulling the tongue out." offers the clerk.

"Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth." He says.

Sunday, February 23, 2003

Quiet Please

A bright young Scottish lad named Shamus had the opportunity to go to university in London. So he packed his bags and said good-bye to his mother and left the highlands for the big city.

After the first week his mother called to see how her boy was holding up.

"I love it here Mother," Shamus told her, "but these English students are the oddest people ever! Why the boy who lives in the dormitory room next to me bangs his head against the wall until midnight every night. And the boy in the room above me stomps around until midnight every night. And the boy right below me blasts his stereo until midnight every night."

"Why don't you complain to the Dean of students?" asks his mother.

"Well, it doesn't bother me much," answers Shamus. "I'm usually up until that time quietly practicing my bagpipes anyway."

Saturday, February 22, 2003

He's A Magician

"What's your father's occupation?" asked the school secretary on the first day of registration.

"He's a magician," said the new boy.

"How exciting. What's his best trick?"

"He saws people in half."

"How impressive! Now, do you have any brothers or sisters?"

"Yep...one half brother and two half sisters."

Friday, February 21, 2003

Physician to the King

A member of the faculty in a London medical college was appointed an honorary physician to the king. He proudly wrote a notice on the blackboard in his classroom:

"Professor Jennings informs his students that he has been appointed honorary physician to His Majesty, King George."

When he returned to the class-room in the afternoon he found written below his note this line:

                                                      "God save the King."

Thursday, February 20, 2003

Military Insurance

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

Wednesday, February 19, 2003

Telephone Poll

I took a part time job as an opinion poll sampler. On my very first call, I introduced myself, "Hello, this is a telephone poll."

The man replied, "Yeeeah, and this is a street lamp!"

Tuesday, February 18, 2003

Mother-In-Law
A Classic

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.

The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"

"Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

Monday, February 17, 2003

Little Willie

The kindergarten class had settled down to its coloring books.

Willie came up to the teacher's desk and said, "Miss Francis, I ain't go no crayons."

"Willie," Miss Francis said, "you mean, "I don't have any crayons.' You don't have any crayons. We don't have any crayons. They don't have any crayons. Do you see what I'm getting at?"

"Not really," Willie said, "but what happened to all them crayons?"

Sunday, February 16, 2003

Mr. Poe

A professor asked a student to remain for a few moments after class. Holding out the young man's assignment, the professor said, "Did you write this poem all by yourself?"

The student said, "Every word of it."

The professor said, "Well, then, I'm glad to meet you, Mr. Poe.  I thought you were long dead."

Saturday, February 15, 2003

Mom

A man called his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"

"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."

The son said, "why are you so weak?"

She said, "because I haven't eaten in 38 days."

The man said, "that's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"

The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

Friday, February 14, 2003

Redneck Valentines Day Poem
(Straight from L.A. (Lower Alabama))

Collards is green, my dog's name is Blue
and I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass, which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway.

Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can.

You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud;
I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.

On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms,
well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work, they all want to know,
what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape yo're there fer yore man,
to patch up life's troubles and fix what you can.

Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed.

Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack.

Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'.
despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank,
we go together like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart, it's romantic that way.

Some men git roses on that special day
from the cooler at Kroger. "That's impressive," I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey, these won't do.
Cause yor'e too special, you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift, without taste nor odor,
more useful than diamonds...
IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!

Luv, from yor romeo

Thursday, February 13, 2003

DUH!

A woman was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.  It was her turn, she rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature".  Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

Wednesday, February 12, 2003

Yes, Darling

My mom admitted to being a less than fastidious housekeeper.

One evening my dad returned home from work, walked into the kitchen and said, "You know, dear, I can write my name in the dust on the mantel."

Mom turned to him and sweetly replied, "Yes, darling, that's why I married a college graduate."

Tuesday, February 11, 2003

Panic at the Hotel

It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming. "Please come quickly," she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!"

The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room. "Where is he?" asked the receptionist.

"He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel. The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment. "It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly. "And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?"

"The dresser, honey!" screamed the old lady. "Try standing on the dresser!"

Monday, February 10, 2003

The Lord Spoke

The professor of a graduate-school class of gifted students included a huge amount of material on the midterm exam.

Tension in the room built, people were sighing and gasping aloud as they realized how much material they had covered and were expected to recall.

The following week the professor tossed the graded papers on her desk and announced, "Class, after I left here last week, the Lord spoke to me. He said, "Thanks, professor. I haven't heard from some of those people in years!"

Sunday, February 9, 2003

Going for a Ride

An urbanite retired and moved to the country. Every morning he put on his denims and a straw hat and made every effort to become a country gentleman.

One day an old friend came to visit him from the city. As he was showing him around the farm they came to the gentleman's pride and joy...a fine-looking horse.

"Yes sir," said the gentleman, "I go for a buggy ride almost every morning. How about I hitch up old Sea Biscuit and we go for a ride?"

"Suits me." answers the friend.

The gentleman started to harness the horse, but the animal resisted having the bit put in his mouth. It was obvious that the new farmer had no idea how to harness a horse, and after the tenth attempt to get the horse to open its mouth,  the guest said, "Why don't you wait until he yawns?"

Saturday, February 8, 2003

Don't Know

Four-year-old Scott was spending the afternoon on his grandfather's farm. He coaxed Grandpa into letting him ride on the tractor while plowing. After several hours of plowing, the hot sun brought them up to the house for a drink.

"What are you doing down in the field, Scott?" Grandma asked.

Scott replied, "I don't know whether we're taking the dirt out or putting it back, but we're making it wider."

Friday, February 7, 2003

Texas Sized

A Texas rancher, visiting a South Dakota farmer friend, asked him to show him his farm. After seeing the 1,000 acre spread, the Texan bragged that down home he could get into his car, drive all day, and by evening would not have gotten to the
most distant point of his ranch.

The South Dakotan simply replied, "You know, I had a car like that once."

Thursday, February 6, 2003

Last Request

Tim was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, Dear," he said.

"Of course, Tim," his wife said softly.

"Six months after I die, he said, "I want you to marry Lawrence."

"But I thought you hated Lawrence," she said.

With his last breath, Tim said, "I do!"

Wednesday, February 5, 2003

Fairy Tales

The little girl had just listened to her mother's reading one of her favorite fairy tales.

"Mommy," asked the child, "do all fairy tales begin with "Once Upon a Time...?""

"No, dearest," replied the mother, "sometimes they start with 'Darling, I have to work a little late at the office tonight . . . "

Tuesday, February 4, 2003

Last Time

The pastor shocked the congregation when he announced that he was resigning from the church and moving to a drier climate. After the service a very distraught lady came to the pastor with tears in her eyes, "Oh, Pastor Bob, we are going to miss you so much. We don't want you to leave!"

The kindhearted pastor patted her hand and said "Now, now, Carolyn, don't carry on. The pastor who takes my place might be even better than me".

"Yeah", she said "That's what they said the LAST time too!!!"

Monday, February 3, 2003

UVA

A young West Virginian girl wanted to go to college at UVA. But her father said ' No Way! You're going to  West Virginia Univ.' Well she got her way and she went to UVA. The first semester went by, and she wrote home that she was getting married to, a man from Richmond, VA named Clarence. Her father said ' I'll be darned if my daughter is marrying a man from Richmond, you're marrying a  West Virginian boy.' So he sent his two sons to UVA to get their sister.

In a couple of days they returned. Dad said ' Where is your sister?'

They replied ' We were almost there Daddy and we came up on this overpass that had this sign that read 'Clarence 13'6'' so we turned around and got the heck out of there.'

Sunday, February 2, 2003

Another Visit

An out-of-towner in New York at the height of the tourist season decided to revisit an uptown restaurant he'd enjoyed on a previous trip to the city.

Finally catching the eye of an overworked waiter, he said, "You know, it's been over five years since I first came in here."

"I'm sorry, but you'll have to wait your turn, sir," replied the waiter with typical New York charm. "I can only serve one table at a time."

Saturday, February 1, 2003

The Applicant

Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office. "What is the meaning of this?" the director asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held."

"Well," the young man replied, "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination."