Friday, February 28, 2003
A guy goes into a
restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a
bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission.
So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and
discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in
his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to
fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free.
He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over
for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just
don't start anything."
Thursday, February 27, 2003
Credit Card Payment
A customer called the
airline's reservation office to pay for his ticket with a credit card.
The reservation specialist asked him, "Would you please spell the name as
it appears on the card, sir?"
The customer carefully replied, "V-I-S-A."
Wednesday, February 26, 2003
In A Child's Mind
A mother was showing her
boy how to zip up his coat. "The secret," she said, "is to get the left
part of the zipper to fit in the other side before you try to zip it up."
The boy looked at her quizzically... "Why does it have to be a secret?"
Tuesday, February 25, 2003
A husband stepped on one
of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in
"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card.
"It says I'm energetic, bright,
resourceful and a great lover."
"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."
Monday, February 24, 2003
A man walks into a shoe
store, and tries on a pair of shoes. "How do they feel?" asks the sales
"Well ... they feel a bit tight." replies the man.
The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the mans
feet. "Try pulling the tongue out." offers the clerk.
"Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth." He says.
Sunday, February 23, 2003
A bright young Scottish
lad named Shamus had the opportunity to go to university in London. So he
packed his bags and said good-bye to his mother and left the highlands for
the big city.
After the first week his mother called to see how her boy was holding up.
"I love it here Mother," Shamus told her, "but these English students are
the oddest people ever! Why the boy who lives in the dormitory room next
to me bangs his head against the wall until midnight every night. And the
boy in the room above me stomps around until midnight every night. And the
boy right below me blasts his stereo until midnight every night."
"Why don't you complain to the Dean of students?" asks his mother.
"Well, it doesn't bother me much," answers Shamus. "I'm usually up until
that time quietly practicing my bagpipes anyway."
Saturday, February 22, 2003
He's A Magician
"What's your father's
occupation?" asked the school secretary on the first day of registration.
"He's a magician," said the new boy.
"How exciting. What's his best trick?"
"He saws people in half."
"How impressive! Now, do you have any brothers or sisters?"
"Yep...one half brother and two half sisters."
Friday, February 21, 2003
Physician to the King
A member of the faculty
in a London medical college was appointed an honorary physician to the
king. He proudly wrote a notice on the blackboard in his classroom:
"Professor Jennings informs his students that he has been appointed
honorary physician to His Majesty, King George."
When he returned to the class-room in the afternoon he found written below
his note this line:
"God save the King."
Thursday, February 20, 2003
Airman Jones was assigned
to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their
government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a
staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the
recruits he advised.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and
listened to Jones' sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then
said, "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the
government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI
insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has
to pay a maximum of $6000."
"Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into
Wednesday, February 19, 2003
I took a part time job as
an opinion poll sampler. On my very first call, I introduced myself,
"Hello, this is a telephone poll."
The man replied, "Yeeeah, and this is a street lamp!"
Tuesday, February 18, 2003
A big-game hunter went on
safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in
the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband,
she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.
The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to
look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a
chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick,
impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.
The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"
"Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess,
let him get himself out of it."
Monday, February 17, 2003
The kindergarten class
had settled down to its coloring books.
Willie came up to the
teacher's desk and said, "Miss Francis, I ain't go no crayons."
"Willie," Miss Francis said, "you mean, "I don't have any crayons.' You
don't have any crayons. We don't have any crayons. They don't have any
crayons. Do you see what I'm getting at?"
"Not really," Willie said, "but what happened to all them crayons?"
Sunday, February 16, 2003
A professor asked a
student to remain for a few moments after class. Holding out the young
man's assignment, the professor said, "Did you write this poem all by
The student said, "Every word of it."
The professor said, "Well, then, I'm glad to meet you, Mr. Poe. I thought
you were long dead."
Saturday, February 15, 2003
A man called his mother
in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son said, "why are you so weak?"
She said, "because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The man said, "that's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food
if you should call."
Friday, February 14, 2003
Redneck Valentines Day Poem
(Straight from L.A. (Lower Alabama))
Collards is green, my
dog's name is Blue
and I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.
You move like the bass, which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway.
Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can.
You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud;
I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms,
well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms.
Still them fellers at work, they all want to know,
what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape yo're there fer yore man,
to patch up life's troubles and fix what you can.
Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed.
Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt.
When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'.
despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank,
we go together like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart, it's romantic that way.
Some men git roses on that special day
from the cooler at Kroger. "That's impressive," I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey, these won't do.
Cause yor'e too special, you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift, without taste nor odor,
more useful than diamonds...
IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!
Luv, from yor romeo
Thursday, February 13, 2003
A woman was playing
Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn, she rolled the dice and she
landed on "Science & Nature". Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum
and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
Wednesday, February 12, 2003
My mom admitted to being
a less than fastidious housekeeper.
One evening my dad returned home from work, walked into the kitchen and
said, "You know, dear, I can write my name in the dust on the mantel."
Mom turned to him and sweetly replied, "Yes, darling, that's why I married
a college graduate."
Tuesday, February 11, 2003
Panic at the Hotel
It was three o'clock in
the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off,
when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming. "Please come
quickly," she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!"
The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room. "Where is
he?" asked the receptionist.
"He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment
building opposite the hotel. The receptionist looked over and could see a
man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment. "It's probably a man
who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly. "And how do you
know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?"
"The dresser, honey!" screamed the old lady. "Try standing on the
Monday, February 10, 2003
The Lord Spoke
The professor of a
graduate-school class of gifted students included a huge amount of
material on the midterm exam.
Tension in the room built, people were sighing and gasping aloud as they
realized how much material they had covered and were expected to recall.
The following week the professor tossed the graded papers on her desk and
announced, "Class, after I left here last week, the Lord spoke to me. He
said, "Thanks, professor. I haven't heard from some of those people in
Sunday, February 9, 2003
Going for a Ride
An urbanite retired and
moved to the country. Every morning he put on his denims and a straw hat
and made every effort to become a country gentleman.
One day an old friend came to visit him from the city. As he was showing
him around the farm they came to the gentleman's pride and joy...a
"Yes sir," said the gentleman, "I go for a buggy ride almost every
morning. How about I hitch up old Sea Biscuit and we go for a ride?"
"Suits me." answers the friend.
The gentleman started to harness the horse, but the animal resisted having
the bit put in his mouth. It was obvious that the new farmer had no idea
how to harness a horse, and after the tenth attempt to get the horse to
open its mouth, the guest said, "Why don't you wait until he yawns?"
Saturday, February 8, 2003
Four-year-old Scott was
spending the afternoon on his grandfather's farm. He coaxed Grandpa into
letting him ride on the tractor while plowing. After several hours of
plowing, the hot sun brought them up to the house for a drink.
"What are you doing down in the field, Scott?" Grandma asked.
Scott replied, "I don't know whether we're taking the dirt out or putting
it back, but we're making it wider."
Friday, February 7, 2003
A Texas rancher, visiting
a South Dakota farmer friend, asked him to show him his farm. After seeing
the 1,000 acre spread, the Texan bragged that down home he could get into
his car, drive all day, and by evening would not have gotten to the
most distant point of his ranch.
The South Dakotan simply replied, "You know, I had a car like that once."
Thursday, February 6, 2003
Tim was on his deathbed
and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, Dear," he said.
"Of course, Tim," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die, he said, "I want you to marry Lawrence."
"But I thought you hated Lawrence," she said.
With his last breath, Tim said, "I do!"
Wednesday, February 5, 2003
The little girl had just
listened to her mother's reading one of her favorite fairy tales.
"Mommy," asked the child, "do all fairy tales begin with "Once Upon a
"No, dearest," replied the mother, "sometimes they start with 'Darling, I
have to work a little late at the office tonight . . . "
Tuesday, February 4, 2003
The pastor shocked the
congregation when he announced that he was resigning from the church and
moving to a drier climate. After the service a very distraught lady came
to the pastor with tears in her eyes, "Oh, Pastor Bob, we are going to
miss you so much. We don't want you to leave!"
The kindhearted pastor
patted her hand and said "Now, now, Carolyn, don't carry on. The pastor
who takes my place might be even better than me".
"Yeah", she said "That's
what they said the LAST time too!!!"
Monday, February 3, 2003
A young West Virginian
girl wanted to go to college at UVA. But her father said ' No Way! You're
going to West Virginia Univ.' Well she got her way and she went to
UVA. The first semester went by, and she wrote home that she was getting
married to, a man from Richmond, VA named Clarence. Her father said ' I'll
be darned if my daughter is marrying a man from Richmond, you're marrying
a West Virginian boy.' So he sent his two sons to UVA to get their
In a couple of days they
returned. Dad said ' Where is your sister?'
They replied ' We were
almost there Daddy and we came up on this overpass that had this sign that
read 'Clarence 13'6'' so we turned around and got the heck out of there.'
Sunday, February 2, 2003
An out-of-towner in New
York at the height of the tourist season decided to revisit an uptown
restaurant he'd enjoyed on a previous trip to the city.
Finally catching the eye of an overworked waiter, he said, "You know, it's
been over five years since I first came in here."
"I'm sorry, but you'll have to wait your turn, sir," replied the waiter
with typical New York charm. "I can only serve one table at a time."
Saturday, February 1, 2003
Several weeks after a
young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's
office. "What is the meaning of this?" the director asked. "When you
applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we
discovered this is the first job you've ever held."
"Well," the young man replied, "in your advertisement you said you wanted
somebody with imagination."