Sunday, February 29, 2004
Interviewer: "Do you think you can handle a variety of tasks?"
Saturday, February 28, 2004
my husband, was playing golf with our town's fire chief when he hit a ball
into the rough. As Ernest headed for the brush to find his ball, the
chief warned, "Be careful! The rattlesnakes are out!"
Friday, February 27, 2004
man answered a knock on his door one morning. An electric company worker
handed him a piece of paper stating that the electric company would like
to run a power line through his cow pasture.
Thursday, February 26, 2004
Barbara Walters of 60 Minutes did a story on gender roles in Kabul several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked about ten paces behind their husbands. She returned to Kabul recently and observed that the men now walked several paces behind their wives.
Ms Walters approached one of the Afghani women and said. "This is marvelous. Can you tell the free world just what enabled women to achieve this reversal of roles?"
"Land mines," said the woman.
Wednesday, February 25, 2004
businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he
Tuesday, February 24, 2004
attendant for a major airline, watched one day as a passenger with
overloaded bags tried to stuff his belongings into the overhead bin of the
plane. Finally, she informed him that he would have to check the
Monday, February 23, 2004
handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you
wear them awhile."
Sunday, February 22, 2004
named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe
on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."
Saturday, February 21, 2004
walking with his new girlfriend. They had just finished a wonderful date
and he was about to drop her off at home. The mood was right and the
timing was right, so Joe looked into her eyes and said, "Sweetheart, I
want to tell you that you're the first girl I have ever loved."
Friday, February 20, 2004
A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
Thursday, February 19, 2004
evening I was driving my eight-year-old daughter to her grandparents' home
for an overnight stay. It was late,
there was very little traffic, and we were enjoying a peaceful ride. It
was a far cry from the usual chaos surrounding us when I drive her to
various activities during rush hour.
Wednesday, February 18, 2004
a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the
Louvre. However, after planning the crime, breaking in, evading security
and escaping with the goods, he was captured only two blocks away
when his rented van ran out of gas.
Tuesday, February 17, 2004
wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on
Monday, February 16, 2004
A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert. "What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked.
Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand.
"Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.
Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."
"Why's that, Timmy?"
"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."
"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.
"Well, sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, 'Put that red nine on top of that black ten!'"
Sunday, February 15, 2004
Saturday, February 14, 2004
stood leaning on a fence at the edge of his property. He watched as a red
sports car came over the top of a hill and followed the road up to the
spot where he stood. The driver pulled over to the side of the road and
called out to the farmer. "Do you know how I can get to Route 91?" the
Friday, February 13, 2004
The man passed out in a
dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch.
Thursday, February 12, 2004
During a friendly
argument, my husband asked me why I married him in the first place. "I was
just stupid," I teased. When he said he was happy to hear that, I
requested an explanation.
Wednesday, February 11, 2004
A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, "Would you like to dance?"
The girl says, "I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance with you."
The guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants."
Tuesday, February 10, 2004
Mrs. Davidson's dishwasher quit working, so she called a repairman. He couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told him: "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. By the way, don't worry about my Doberman. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, . . . do NOT under any circumstances talk to my parrot! "
When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Davidson's apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Doberman he had ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business. However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name-calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled: "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird! "
To which the parrot replied: "Get him, Spike! "
Monday, February 9, 2004
It was cold and
rainy at the Atlantic Ocean resort where I was spending my vacation, but I
finally bundled up and went down to the beach. There I saw a man in a bathing
suit, lying on a large beach blanket. I walked up to him and asked why he was
punishing himself that way.
Sunday, February 8, 2004
Following an especially
angry argument, Mr. and Mrs. Smith went to bed not speaking to each other.
Needing to arise early the following morning, Mr. Smith left a note on his
wife's bedside table that said "Wake me at six."
Saturday, February 7, 2004
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.
The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. She hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
Friday, February 6, 2004
Working as a cargo
handler for a major package delivery company, I came across an express
envelope with shipping instructions that puzzled me, particularly the line
describing the contents.
Thursday, February 5, 2004
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me ... your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."
Wednesday, February 4, 2004
The minister had just
finished an excellent chicken dinner at the home of a member of his
congregation. Sitting on the porch after dinner he saw a rooster come
strutting through the yard. "That's certainly a proud-looking rooster you
have there," the minister commented.
Tuesday, February 3, 2004
A local United Way office
realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most
successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to
persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly
income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you
like to give back to the community in some way?"
Monday, February 2, 2004
A guy is walking up to
the doctor's office when a nun comes running out screaming and crying.
Sunday, February 1, 2004
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"