Sunday, February 29, 2004

Interview Quickies

Interviewer: "Do you think you can handle a variety of tasks?"
Applicant: "I should say so. I've had nine totally different jobs in the past five months."

The stern faced Personnel Officer told an applicant that they needed an individual who is totally responsible.
"I sure qualify then." replied the applicant. "Everywhere I've worked, whenever something went wrong, I was responsible."

"I see under 'Personal Traits' you have "Self-Starter" listed," said the Human Resources Officer. "Why is that
important to you?"
"It seems to me that if more employees were self-starters, then the bosses wouldn't have to be cranks," the almost selected candidate replied.

The Personal Officer was concluding the interview with the applicant for an entry level position in the Social Security Administration: "Well, Mr. Samuels, everything seems to be in order. I think we can start you working here next week."
"Great !" the man replied. "I've always wanted to be a civil serpent."

Saturday, February 28, 2004

Rattlesnakes

Ernest, my husband, was playing golf with our town's fire chief when he hit a ball into the rough.  As Ernest headed for the brush to find his ball, the chief warned, "Be careful!  The rattlesnakes are out!"

The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week requesting assistance with removing the snakes.

"You've got to be kidding!" Ernest replied in astonishment. "People actually call you to help them with rattlesnakes?  What do you say to them?"

"Well," said the chief, "the first thing I ask is, 'Is it on fire?'"

Friday, February 27, 2004

No You Can Not

An Amish man answered a knock on his door one morning.  An electric company worker handed him a piece of paper stating that the electric company would like to run a power line through his cow pasture.

The Amish man said, "No, no you can not."

"Legally, that paper says we can." replied the gruff worker.

As he turned and left returning to his co-workers in the field, the Amish man went to his barn and turned his bull into the pasture.
 
As the bull rumbled toward the workers in the field, the Amish farmer hollered, "Show him your paper!"

Thursday, February 26, 2004

Role Reversal

Barbara Walters of 60 Minutes did a story on gender roles in Kabul several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked about ten paces behind their husbands. She returned to Kabul recently and observed that the men now walked several paces behind their wives.

Ms Walters approached one of the Afghani women and said. "This is marvelous. Can you tell the free world just what enabled women to achieve this reversal of roles?" 

"Land mines," said the woman.

Wednesday, February 25, 2004

Work!

The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted.

His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word.  "My you look tired," she said.  "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"

"It was terrible," her husband said.  "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."

Tuesday, February 24, 2004

Flying Problems

A flight attendant for a major airline, watched one day as a passenger with overloaded bags tried to stuff his belongings into the overhead bin of the plane.  Finally, she informed him that he would have to check the oversized luggage.

"When I fly other airlines," he said irritably, "I don't have this problem."

The flight attendant smiled and replied, "When you fly other airlines, I don't have this problem either."

Monday, February 23, 2004

Police Quotes

"The handcuffs are tight because they're new.  They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"So, you don't know how fast you were going.  I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not.  Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

"Yeah, we have a quota.  Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore.  We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"Just how big were those two beers?

"In God we trust, all others are suspects."

Sunday, February 22, 2004

That's Strange

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby might think that three men were buried under the stone.

However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer." That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"  

Saturday, February 21, 2004

Oh No!

Lenny was walking with his new girlfriend. They had just finished a wonderful date and he was about to drop her off at home. The mood was right and the timing was right, so Joe looked into her eyes and said, "Sweetheart, I want to tell you that you're the first girl I have ever loved."

She rolled her eyes and sighed, "Oh no. Not another beginner!"

Friday, February 20, 2004

Oops!

A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the  paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the  machine. "I just need one copy."

Thursday, February 19, 2004

From The Mouths of Babes

One evening I was driving my eight-year-old daughter to her grandparents' home for an overnight stay.  It was late, there was very little traffic, and we were enjoying a peaceful ride.  It was a far cry from the usual chaos surrounding us when I drive her to various activities during rush hour.

My daughter seemed deep in thought when she said, "I have a question."

"What do you want to know?" I responded.

"Mom, when you're driving," she asked, "are YOU ever the idiot?"

Wednesday, February 18, 2004

A Real Groaner

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, breaking in, evading security and escaping with the goods, he  was captured only two blocks away when his rented van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:

"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

Tuesday, February 17, 2004

A Room Please

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.

He wrote: "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly.  And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."

Monday, February 16, 2004

Survival

A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert. "What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked.

Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand.

"Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.

Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."

"Why's that, Timmy?"

"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."

"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.

"Well, sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, 'Put that red nine on top of that black ten!'"

Sunday, February 15, 2004

Dear Abby

Dear Abby,
I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it.
Any suggestions?
Sam
 

Dear Sam,
Yes. Run for public office.

Saturday, February 14, 2004

Nope!

A farmer stood leaning on a fence at the edge of his property. He watched as a red sports car came over the top of a hill and followed the road up to the spot where he stood. The driver pulled over to the side of the road and called out to the farmer. "Do you know how I can get to Route 91?" the driver asked.

The farmer thought for a few seconds. Then he said, "Nope."

"Do you know where the nearest turnpike entrance is?" the driver asked. "Nope," the farmer replied.

"How about the town of Hadley. Do you know which direction it is from here?" "Nope."

Exasperated, the driver raced his engine. "You don't know very much, do you?" he said.

"Nope," the farmer replied. "But I'm not lost."

Friday, February 13, 2004

Cause to Faint

The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch.

 Someone called 911.

When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint.

"It was enough to make anybody faint," he said.

"My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out,  he came out with the lawn mower."

Thursday, February 12, 2004

Friendly Argument

During a friendly argument, my husband asked me why I married him in the first place. "I was just stupid," I teased. When he said he was happy to hear that, I requested an explanation.

"People get divorced all the time because they fall out of love," he said. "But I've never heard of anybody falling out of stupid."

Wednesday, February 11, 2004

Back At Ya!

A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, "Would you like to dance?"

The girl says, "I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance with you."

The guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants."

Tuesday, February 10, 2004

Not Following Orders

Mrs. Davidson's dishwasher quit working, so she called a repairman. He couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told him: "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. By the way, don't worry about my Doberman. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, . . . do NOT under any circumstances talk to my parrot! "

When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Davidson's apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Doberman he had ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business. However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name-calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any  longer and yelled: "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird! "

To which the parrot replied: "Get him, Spike! "

Monday, February 9, 2004

Getting Some Color

It was cold and rainy at the Atlantic Ocean resort where I was spending my vacation, but I finally bundled up and went down to the beach. There I saw a man in a bathing suit, lying on a large beach blanket. I walked up to him and asked why he was punishing himself that way.

"I've been waiting all year for this vacation so I could get some color," he said.  "And I'm going to get it - even if it's blue."

Sunday, February 8, 2004

Wake Up Call

Following an especially angry argument, Mr. and Mrs. Smith went to bed not speaking to each other. Needing to arise early the following morning, Mr. Smith left a note on his wife's bedside table that said "Wake me at six."

An exasperated Mr. Smith awoke at ten the following morning and rolled stiffly out of bed to see a note on his bedside table:

"It's six, you bum! Get out of bed!"

Saturday, February 7, 2004

Car Accident

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.

The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. She hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

Friday, February 6, 2004

Instructions

Working as a cargo handler for a major package delivery company, I came across an express envelope with shipping instructions that puzzled me, particularly the line describing the contents.

I finally realized the parcel contained some kind of manual and was addressed to a church.  But at first I thought I was processing one of our company's most momentous pieces of freight.

The description read, "Instructions for the Assembly of God."

Thursday, February 5, 2004

Just Remember...

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son. 

"Yes, Dad, what is it?" 

"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me ... your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."

Wednesday, February 4, 2004

Pride

The minister had just finished an excellent chicken dinner at the home of a member of his congregation. Sitting on the porch after dinner he saw a rooster come strutting through the yard. "That's certainly a proud-looking rooster you have there," the minister commented.

"Yes sir," replied the farmer. "He has reason to be proud, one of his sons just entered the ministry!"

Tuesday, February 3, 2004

Giving Back

A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is living in a shabby little apartment, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Ummm...no."

"--or that my brother, a disabled veteran, cannot hold a steady job?"  The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, "--or that my sister is a single mother with three children to raise?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "--so if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?!"

Monday, February 2, 2004

Expecting

A guy is walking up to the doctor's office when a nun comes running out screaming and crying.

The guy walks in and says, "Doc, what's with the nun?"

The doctor says, "Oh, I just told her she's pregnant."

The guy says, "The nun's pregnant?"

The doctor says, "No. But it certainly cured her hiccups."

Sunday, February 1, 2004

The Blessing?

  A wife invited some people to dinner.  At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.