Monday, February 28, 2005
hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I
would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year old again.
Sunday, February 27, 2005
The teacher asked her class what each wanted to become when they grew up. A chorus of responses came from all over the room. "A football player," "A doctor," "An astronaut," "The president," "A fireman," "A teacher," "A race car driver."
Everyone that is, except Tommy. The teacher noticed he was sitting there quiet and still. So she said to him, "Tommy, what do you want to be when you grow up?"
"Possible" Tommy replied.
"Possible?" asked the teacher.
"Yes," Tommy said. "Mom is always telling me I'm impossible. So when I get to be big, I want to be possible."
Saturday, February 26, 2005
were discussing marriage, and one said, "We've been married twenty-five
years, and every night my husband has complained about the food. Not one
night without complaining about the food."
Friday, February 25, 2005
Jim had an awful day fishing, sitting on the lake all day without a single bite. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish.
He told the fish salesman, "Pick out the four largest ones and throw them at me, will you?"
"Ok. But, why do you want me to throw them at you?"
"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."
Thursday, February 24, 2005
lady had always wanted to travel abroad. Now that she was getting on in
years, she thought she would really like to do so before she died.
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
"Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."
"Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop."
"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
"Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!"
"Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?"
"Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie."
"Oh no! I just lost my Rolex."
"Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"
"Shoot, there go the lights again...."
"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of them."
"What do you mean you want a divorce?"
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produces
Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new
hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce the
number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the
Monday, February 21, 2005
known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the
middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the
service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone.
Sunday, February 20, 2005
decides to join the circus. He shows up to demonstrate his skills to the
Saturday, February 19, 2005
million years ago, the primitive ancestors of man were the first creatures
with the ability to grasp an object in their hands. . .
Friday, February 18, 2005
A man goes into a pet
shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking
parrots on a perch and says: "The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars".
Thursday, February 17, 2005
The detective was
interviewing the man whose clothing shop had just been burglarized.
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
A concerned Father asked his
daughter if her latest beau was serious about their relationship.
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
Howard County Police
officers still write their reports by hand, and the data is entered later
into their database. One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025
pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the data entry tech called the
Monday, February 14, 2005
Pete and Gladys were looking
at a new living room suite in the furniture store. Peter says to the
salesman, "We really like it, but I don't think we can afford it."
Sunday, February 13, 2005
A man went to his lawyer and told
him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he doesn't want to pay up. What should I do?"
Saturday, February 12, 2005
A drunken man gets on the bus
late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.
Friday, February 11, 2005
Two little children, a boy and a
girl, walked hand-in-hand to a neighbor's house. The little girl stood on her
tiptoes and was just able to reach the doorbell. Then, an elderly lady greeted
them at the front door.
Thursday, February 10, 2005
** If it rings, put it on hold;
Wednesday, February 9, 2005
There are more churches in Las
Vegas than Casinos. During Sunday services at the Offertory, some worshipers
contribute Casino Chips as opposed to cash.
Tuesday, February 8, 2005
To tell the weather, go to
your back door and look for the dog.
Monday, February 7, 2005
It was 6 p.m., and I was about to
leave the coin laundry where I was employed. My boss called me over and asked if
I would mind dropping off someone's laundry on my way home. "It's for my
cousin," she apologized, "who's eight months pregnant and can't get out much
anymore." I cheerfully agreed and, driving to the address, knocked at the door.
A little girl, the sister-to-be, answered.
Sunday, February 6, 2005
Three neighbors were
discussing the proper position and attitude for prayer. One said, "You should
be on your knees with your head bowed in reverence to the Almighty."
Saturday, February 5, 2005
"I just hope it's not
Alzheimer's," confessed the gentleman to his doctor.
Friday, February 4, 2005
Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping--Love you!"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh, THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone lady, I'm married!"
Two Aspirins -- $.38
Thursday, February 3, 2005
...when your girlfriend really
needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the
corner of the screen during a time-out.
Wednesday, February 2, 2005
was the first camping experience for Jed. As soon as he had pitched his
tent, he went for a hike in the woods. In about fifteen minutes he rushed
back into camp, bleeding and disheveled.
Tuesday, February 1, 2005
old pastor made it to a practice to visit the parish school one day a
week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying
the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up
with about 40 names. He jokingly told them that in his day students knew
the names of all the states.