Welcome
chuckle

February,  2005

Monday,  February 28, 2005

Resignation

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year old again.

I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant. I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples with rocks. I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them. I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day. I want to return to a time when life was simple.

All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset. I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good. I want to believe that anything is possible.

So....here's my checkbook and my car keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood. And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, cause, "Tag! You're it."

Sunday,  February 27, 2005

Anything's Possible

The teacher asked her class what each wanted to become when they grew up. A chorus of responses came from all over the room. "A football player," "A doctor," "An astronaut," "The president," "A fireman," "A teacher," "A race car driver."

Everyone that is, except Tommy. The teacher noticed he was sitting there quiet and still. So she said to him, "Tommy, what do you want to be when you grow up?"

"Possible" Tommy replied.

"Possible?" asked the teacher.

"Yes," Tommy said. "Mom is always telling me I'm impossible. So when I get to be big, I want to be possible."

Saturday,  February 26, 2005

Complaints

Two women were discussing marriage, and one said, "We've been married twenty-five years, and every night my husband has complained about the food. Not one night without complaining about the food."

The other woman said, "That's awful.  Doesn't it bother you?"

The first one said, "Why should I object if he doesn't like his own cooking?"

Friday,  February 25, 2005

Gone Fishing

Jim had an awful day fishing, sitting on the lake all day without a single bite. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish.

He told the fish salesman, "Pick out the four largest ones and throw them at me, will you?"

"Ok. But, why do you want me to throw them at you?"

"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."

Thursday,  February 24, 2005

Loyalty Oath

An old lady had always wanted to travel abroad. Now that she was getting on in years, she thought she would really like to do so before she died.

But until now, she'd never even been out of the country. So she began by going in person to the Passport Office and asking how long it would take to have one issued.

"You must take the loyalty oath first," responded the passport clerk. "Raise your right hand, please."

The old gal raised her right hand.

"Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the United States against all its enemies, domestic or foreign?" was the first question.

The little old lady's face paled and her voice trembled as she asked in a small voice, "Uhhh... all by myself?"

Wednesday,  February 23, 2005

Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery:

  "Better save that.  We'll need it for the autopsy."

  "Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop."

  "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

  "Bo!  Bo!  Come back with that!  Bad Dog!"

  "Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?"

  "Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie."

  "Oh no!  I just lost my Rolex."

  "Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"

  "Shoot, there go the lights again...."

  "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys.  Hell, the guy's got two of them."

  "What do you mean you want a divorce?"

Tuesday,  February 22, 2005

A New Wine for Seniors

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produces Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as Pino More.

Monday,  February 21, 2005

Lengthy Sermon

A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message.  The man returned just before the conclusion of the service.  Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone.

"I went to get a haircut," was the reply.

"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?"

"Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."

Sunday,  February 20, 2005

The Circus

A man decides to join the circus. He shows up to demonstrate his skills to the impresario.

"I have the most unusual act," he announces. "I'm sure it will amaze you."

He proceeds to climb a tall tower, and jumps off. He flaps his arms wildly, and finally his fall slows. He soars forward, then swoops upward, turns and swoops back again. Finally he stops in mid air and gently lowers himself to the ground.

The impresario stares blankly at him for a long time. Finally he says, "Is that all you've got? Bird imitations?"

Saturday,  February 19, 2005

Primitive Man

74 million years ago, the primitive ancestors of man were the first creatures with the ability to grasp an object in their hands. . .

. . .fossil records indicate that the object appears to be a remote control, which man hasn't put down since.

Friday,  February 18, 2005

Boss

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says: "The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars".

"Why does the parrot cost so much?" the customer asks. The owner says, "Well, it knows how to use a computer."

The customer asks about the next parrot and is told "That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system."

Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot and is told "That one costs 2,000 dollars." Needless to say this begs the question "What can IT do?"

To which the owner replies "To be honest I have never seen it do a thing but the other two call him boss!"

Thursday,  February 17, 2005

Look At The Bright Side

The detective was interviewing the man whose clothing shop had just been burglarized.

"It's bad," said the proprietor, "but it's not as bad as it could have been if he'd robbed me yesterday."

"Why is that?" the detective asked.

"Because today everything was on sale."

Wednesday,  February 16, 2005

Father Knows Best...

A concerned Father asked his daughter if her latest beau was serious about their relationship.

"I'll say he is Daddy," she replied... "Why just last night  he asked me how much you make, what kind of meals Mom serves, and if you guys are easy to get along with."

Tuesday,  February 15, 2005

Howard County

Howard County Police officers still write their reports by hand, and the data is entered later into their database. One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the data entry tech called  the farmer directly.

"Is it true, Mr. Smith that you lost 2,025 pigs?" she asked.

"Yeth," lisped the farmer.

Being a Howard County girl herself, the tech entered:

"Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs."

Monday,  February 14, 2005

Pete & Gladys

Pete and Gladys were looking at a new living room suite in the furniture store. Peter says to the salesman, "We really like it, but I don't think we can afford it."

The salesman says, "You just make a small down payment, then you don't make another payment for six months."

Gladys turned on him with her hands on her hips and demanded, "Who told you about us!?"

Sunday,  February 13, 2005

Proof

A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he doesn't want to pay up. What should I do?"

"Do you have any proof?" asked the lawyer.

"Nope," replied the man.

"Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1000 he owed you," said the lawyer.

"But it's only $500," replied the man.

"Precisely. That's what he will reply and we will have the proof we need to nail him."

Saturday,  February 12, 2005

One Way Trip

A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.

She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!"

The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"

Friday,  February 11, 2005

Mr. & Mrs.

Two little children, a boy and a girl, walked hand-in-hand to a neighbor's house. The little girl stood on her tiptoes and was just able to reach the doorbell. Then, an elderly lady greeted them at the front door.

"Good morning, children," she said. "What can I do for you?"

"We're playing house," the little girl answered. "This is my husband and I'm his wife. Can we come in?"

Thoroughly enchanted by the scene confronting her, the elderly lady replied, "By all means, do come in."

Once inside, she offered the children lemonade and cookies, which they graciously accepted.

When a second tall glass of lemonade was offered, the little girl remarked, "No thank you. We have to go now. My husband just wet his pants."

Thursday,  February 10, 2005

Rules of the Office

** If it rings, put it on hold;
** If it clanks, call the repairman;
** If it whistles, ignore it;
** If it's a friend, take a break;
** If it's the boss, look busy;
** If it talks, take notes;
** If it's handwritten, type it;
** If it's typed, copy it;
** If it's copied, file it;
** If it's Friday, forget it!

Wednesday,  February 9, 2005

Giving in Las Vegas

There are more churches in Las Vegas than Casinos. During Sunday services at the Offertory, some worshipers contribute Casino Chips as opposed to cash.

 Some are sharing their winnings - some are hoping to win. Since there are so many Casinos, the Catholic churches send all the chips into the diocese for sorting.
 
 Once sorted for the respective casino the chips belong to, one junior priest takes the chips and makes the rounds to the casinos turning chips into cash.

 And he is known as  The CHIP-MONK

Tuesday,  February 8, 2005

Telling The Weather

To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog.

If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining. But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.

If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy.

If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.

Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.

Sincerely,
The CAT

Monday,  February 7, 2005

Delivery

It was 6 p.m., and I was about to leave the coin laundry where I was employed. My boss called me over and asked if I would mind dropping off someone's laundry on my way home. "It's for my cousin," she apologized, "who's eight months pregnant and can't get out much anymore." I cheerfully agreed and, driving to the address, knocked at the door. A little girl, the sister-to-be, answered.

"Hi, there," I said with a big smile. "Is your mommy home?" Holding up the white bundle of clothes, I explained, "I have a delivery for her."

The child's mouth dropped, and her eyes went wide. "Mom!" She shrieked, "come quick! It's the stork!"

Sunday,  February 6, 2005

Finest Praying

Three neighbors  were discussing the proper position and attitude for prayer.  One said, "You should be on your knees with your head bowed in reverence to the Almighty."

The second man spoke up and said, "Remember that you were created in God's image.  The position in which to pray is to stand up looking into the heavens into the face of God and talk to Him as a child to his father."

The third man spoke up and said, "I don't know about those positions, but the finest praying I ever did was upside down in a well."

Saturday,  February 5, 2005

What Should I Do?

"I just hope it's not Alzheimer's," confessed the gentleman to his doctor.

"Maybe there's some kind of memory medicine you can give me. See, I'm getting terribly forgetful; I lose track of where I'm going or what I'm supposed to do when I get there. What should I do?" he asked glumly.

"Pay me in advance," the doctor promptly suggested.

Friday,  February 4, 2005

Jack

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in     perfect  order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.  

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping--Love you!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone lady, I'm married!"

Two Aspirins -- $.38
Red Rose bud -- $3.00
Hot Breakfast -- $4.20
Broken furniture -- $85.26

Saying the right thing, at the right time -- Priceless.

Thursday,  February 3, 2005

If Men Ruled The World...

...when your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

...each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of  the NFL Team of your choice.

...the funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

Wednesday,  February 2, 2005

Deadly Snake

It was the first camping experience for Jed. As soon as he had pitched his tent, he went for a hike in the woods. In about fifteen minutes he rushed back into camp, bleeding and disheveled.

"What happened?" asked a fellow camper.

"I was chased by a black snake!" cried the frightened Jed.

The camper laughed and retorted, "A black snake isn't deadly."

"Listen," groaned Jed, "If he can make you jump off a fifty-foot cliff, he is!"

Tuesday,  February 1, 2005

The States

The old pastor made it to a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names. He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.

One lad snickered, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13"...