Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that
fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, two policemen came
by. While one pulled the gentleman over, the second carefully stopped
traffic and recovered the box so as to avoid any further mishaps. When
they opened the box, they found it contained large upholstery tacks.
Monday, February 27, 2006
Our office has an answering system that instructs callers to leave their name and address, and to spell any difficult words.
Early one Monday when the secretary was reviewing the weekend messages, she heard an enthusiastic young woman recite her name and address and then confidently offer, "My difficult word is reconciliation.
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Sarah, who was a
rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation
sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first
day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up
there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly
begun when she heard someone running up the stairs.
Saturday, February 25, 2006
divorce proceedings had been long, contentious, and extremely heated. Finally,
the husband's attorney rose for one last try at a no-alimony settlement. "Your
Honor," he said, "my client sincerely believes his wife is just being
ridiculous. Why, most women would love to have a husband who still believes in
chivalry; and on the day in question, he was only opening the door for her out
Friday, February 24, 2006
A young nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making a visit when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, there was a gas station just one block away. She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.
The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.
Since the nun was on the way to see a patient she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline and carried it back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car two men watched her from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said: "If that car starts, I'll become a Catholic for the rest of my life!"
Thursday, February 23, 2006
weekend was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity
to tell her class about patriotism.
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
At a big cocktail
party, an obstetrician's wife noticed another guest, a big, over sexed
blonde, was making overtures at her husband. It was a large, informal
gathering, so she tried to laugh it off until she saw them disappear into
a bedroom together.
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Q: Name the four
Monday, February 20, 2006
A 87 year-old man
went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw the
man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
Sunday, February 19, 2006
It has to be confessed that the minister was rather long-winded. During his sermon a young wife of the congregation remembered that she had left the Sunday dinner in the gas range without regulating the flame. She hastily wrote a note and slipped it to her husband, who was an usher. He, thinking it was for the minister, calmly walked up and laid it on the pulpit. The minister paused, took the note with a smile, which turned into a terrific frown as he read:
"Please hurry home and shut off the gas."
Saturday, February 18, 2006
Two guys who
worked together were both laid off, so off they went to the unemployment
office. When asked his occupation, the first guy said, "Panty stitcher...I
sew the elastic onto women's panties."
Friday, February 17, 2006
were leaving the plane after landing, and one smiling, satisfied passenger
paused to congratulate the flight attendant.
Thursday, February 16, 2006
As Alicia was
getting to know Michael and his family, she was very impressed by how much
his parents loved each other. "They're so thoughtful," Alicia said. "Why,
your dad even brings your mom a cup of hot coffee in bed every morning."
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
One evening, a wife drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"
"I would love to," he said, "but I don't know her that well."
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
A mother was
anxiously awaiting her daughter's plane. She had just come back from a
far away land trying to find adventure.
Monday, February 13, 2006
At the large bookstore where my son works, the clerks tend to watch out for one another, trading shifts and covering for each other in emergencies. Recently a disagreement between two clerks escalated into a fistfight. One of them ended up going to the hospital, leaving my son to cover for him.
The store manager, who had missed the whole episode, came looking for the injured clerk. "Where's Jack?" he asked.
My son didn't miss a beat. "Oh," he said, "he punched out early."
Sunday, February 12, 2006
Trying to control
my dry hair, I treated my scalp with olive oil before washing it. Worried
that the oil might leave an odor, I washed my hair several times. That
night when I went to bed, I leaned over to my husband and asked, "Do I
smell like olive oil?"
Saturday, February 11, 2006
Three old sisters...92, 94, and 96 years old all lived together. One day the oldest drew a bath.
She put one foot into the water, paused, then called downstairs to her sisters, "am I getting in the tub or out of the tub?"
The middle sister started up the stairs to help, then paused, and called back downstairs, "Was I going up or coming down?"
The youngest sister, who was sitting at the kitchen table having tea, said, "I guess I'll have to help. I hope I never get that forgetful!" and knocked on wood.
She got up, then paused and called, "I'll come up as soon as I see who's at the door."
Friday, February 10, 2006
The father of
five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to
ask which one should have the present. "Who is the most obedient?" he
asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"
Thursday, February 9, 2006
Manager: "For a
man with no experience, you are certainly asking for a high salary."
Wednesday, February 8, 2006
The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal.
She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar. And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times.
"Now, said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"
A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I know, I know," she said. "To make the gravy!"
Tuesday, February 7, 2006
A friend, driving
home from a fishing trip in northern Michigan with his boat in tow, had
engine trouble a few miles inland from Lake Huron. He didn't have a CB
radio in his car, so he decided to use his marine radio to get help.
Climbing into his boat, he broadcast his call letters and asked for
Monday, February 6, 2006
A young couple
got married and left on their honeymoon. Back at home for a few days, the
bride called her mother. "Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother.
Sunday, February 5, 2006
At the company
water cooler, the office braggart was boring his fellow workers as usual.
His topic of the day was about his children's world travels: one son was
teaching in Bolivia, another working in southern Italy. Finally, he told
everyone that his daughter was working on a year's research project in
Saturday, February 4, 2006
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.."
The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming up," says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."
The old woman says, "Thank! you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."
Friday, February 3, 2006
An 80 year old man was arrested for shop lifting. When he went before the Judge, the Judge asked him, "What did you steal?"
The man replied: a can of peaches. The judge asked him why he had stolen them and he replied that he was hungry.
The judge then asked him how many peaches were in the can. The man replied 6. The Judge then said, "Well then, I will give you 6 days in jail, one day for each peach."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the husband's wife spoke up and asked the judge if she could say something, on his behalf.
He said, "Alright, what is it?"
The wife said "He also stole a can of peas."
Thursday, February 2, 2006
Bernie was so
excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for
and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.
Wednesday, February 1, 2006
Sandy began a job
as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day
during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a
playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the