February 2006

All Alone	Vice President	Shop Lifting
Growing Old	What Is It...	Four Letter Words
How Fast...	Sunday School	No Experience
The Toy	Three Sisters	Olive Oil
Early	I Said!	Couple Next Door
So Thoughtful	On Time	Laid Off (A Classic)
Long-Winded	Clean Out Your Ears	Real SAT Answers
The Obstetricians Wife	We Are All Free	Gas Can
Chivalry	Sun Bathing	Reconciliation
Swerving

Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, two policemen came by. While one pulled the gentleman over, the second carefully stopped traffic and recovered the box so as to avoid any further mishaps. When they opened the box, they found it contained large upholstery tacks.

"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I'm going to have to write you a ticket."

Amazed, the driver asked, "For what??"

The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."

Our office has an answering system that instructs callers to leave their name and address, and to spell any difficult words.

Early one Monday when the secretary was reviewing the weekend messages, she heard an enthusiastic young woman recite her name and address and then confidently offer, "My difficult word is reconciliation.

Sarah, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs.

She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs.

"The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."

"What difference does it make?" Sarah asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."

"Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight.

The divorce proceedings had been long, contentious, and extremely heated. Finally, the husband's attorney rose for one last try at a no-alimony settlement. "Your Honor," he said, "my client sincerely believes his wife is just being ridiculous. Why, most women would love to have a husband who still believes in chivalry; and on the day in question, he was only opening the door for her out of chivalry."

"Counselor," replied the judge, "I am granting the divorce and the settlement Mrs. Smith is asking in its entirely. I simply cannot believe chivalry was the motivation for your client opening that car door - while he was driving down the freeway at 65 mph."

A young nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making a visit when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, there was a gas station just one block away. She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.

The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.

Since the nun was on the way to see a patient she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline and carried it back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car two men watched her from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said: "If that car starts, I'll become a Catholic for the rest of my life!"

Memorial Day weekend was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism.

"We live in a great country," she said. "One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free."

One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said. . . .

"I'm not free. I'm four."

At a big cocktail party, an obstetrician's wife noticed another guest, a big, over sexed blonde, was making overtures at her husband. It was a large, informal gathering, so she tried to laugh it off until she saw them disappear into a bedroom together.

At once she rushed into the room, pulled the two apart and screamed, "Look lady! My husband just delivers babies, he doesn't INSTALL them!"

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.

A 87 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

A couple of days later, when the old man had an appointment with the doctor again, the doctor said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

The man replied, "Just doing what you said doctor, "Get a hot mama and be cheerful."

The doctor said, "I didn't say that! I said you have got a heart murmur. Be careful!"

It has to be confessed that the minister was rather long-winded. During his sermon a young wife of the congregation remembered that she had left the Sunday dinner in the gas range without regulating the flame. She hastily wrote a note and slipped it to her husband, who was an usher. He, thinking it was for the minister, calmly walked up and laid it on the pulpit. The minister paused, took the note with a smile, which turned into a terrific frown as he read:

Two guys who worked together were both laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, the first guy said, "Panty stitcher...I sew the elastic onto women's panties."

The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.

The second guy was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter," he replied.

Diesel fitter is listed as a skilled job, so the clerk gave the second guy $600 a week. When the first guy found out he was furious. He stormed into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained, "Panty stitchers are unskilled, and diesel fitters are skilled labor."

"What skill?!" yelled the panty stitcher. "I sew the elastic and he pulls on it and says, "Yep, dese'll fit 'er."

The passengers were leaving the plane after landing, and one smiling, satisfied passenger paused to congratulate the flight attendant.

"Stewardess," he said happily, "I want to compliment you and the crew and especially the captain for getting here right on time. It's not often that an airline gets to where it's going exactly when they claim it will. I'm going to call your home office and let them know how pleased I am."

"Why, thank you, sir," the flight attendant answered, "but I think you should know--this is yesterday's flight."

As Alicia was getting to know Michael and his family, she was very impressed by how much his parents loved each other. "They're so thoughtful," Alicia said. "Why, your dad even brings your mom a cup of hot coffee in bed every morning."

After a time, Alicia and Michael were engaged, and then married. On the way from the wedding to the reception, Alicia again remarked on Michael's loving parents, and even the coffee in bed. "Tell me," she said, "does it run in the family?"

"It sure does," replied Michael. "And I take after my mom."

One evening, a wife drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"

A mother was anxiously awaiting her daughter's plane. She had just come back from a far away land trying to find adventure.

As the daughter was exiting the plane, the mother noticed a man directly behind her daughter dressed in feathers with exotic markings all over his body and carrying a shrunken head. The daughter introduced this man as her new husband.

The mother gasped in disbelief and disappointment and screamed, "I said for you to marry a Rich Doctor! a Rich Doctor!"

At the large bookstore where my son works, the clerks tend to watch out for one another, trading shifts and covering for each other in emergencies. Recently a disagreement between two clerks escalated into a fistfight. One of them ended up going to the hospital, leaving my son to cover for him.

The store manager, who had missed the whole episode, came looking for the injured clerk. "Where's Jack?" he asked.

Trying to control my dry hair, I treated my scalp with olive oil before washing it. Worried that the oil might leave an odor, I washed my hair several times. That night when I went to bed, I leaned over to my husband and asked, "Do I smell like olive oil?"

"No," he said, sniffing me. "Do I smell like Popeye?"

Three old sisters...92, 94, and 96 years old all lived together. One day the oldest drew a bath.

She put one foot into the water, paused, then called downstairs to her sisters, "am I getting in the tub or out of the tub?"

The middle sister started up the stairs to help, then paused, and called back downstairs, "Was I going up or coming down?"

The youngest sister, who was sitting at the kitchen table having tea, said, "I guess I'll have to help. I hope I never get that forgetful!" and knocked on wood.

She got up, then paused and called, "I'll come up as soon as I see who's at the door."

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present. "Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"

Five small voices answered in unison. "Okay, dad, you get the toy."

Manager: "For a man with no experience, you are certainly asking for a high salary."

Applicant: "Well, the work is much harder when you don't know what you're doing!"

The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal.

She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar. And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times.

"Now, said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"

A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I know, I know," she said. "To make the gravy!"

A friend, driving home from a fishing trip in northern Michigan with his boat in tow, had engine trouble a few miles inland from Lake Huron. He didn't have a CB radio in his car, so he decided to use his marine radio to get help. Climbing into his boat, he broadcast his call letters and asked for assistance.

A Coast Guard officer responded, "Please give your location."

"I'm on Interstate-75, two miles south of Standish."

The officer paused, "Could you repeat that?"

"I-75, two miles south of Standish."

A longer pause. Then an incredulous voice asked, "How fast were you going when you hit shore?"

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. Back at home for a few days, the bride called her mother. "Well, how was the honeymoon?" asked the mother.

"Oh, Mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful four-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home! Please, Mama!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What four-letter words has he been using?"

"Please don't make me tell you, Mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home! Please, Mama!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible four-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride replied, "Oh, Mama ...
words like dust, wash, iron, and cook..."

At the company water cooler, the office braggart was boring his fellow workers as usual. His topic of the day was about his children's world travels: one son was teaching in Bolivia, another working in southern Italy. Finally, he told everyone that his daughter was working on a year's research project in India.

"What is it about you," a co-worker finally asked, "that makes your kids want to get so far away?"

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.."

The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."

The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."

The old woman says, "Thank! you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."

As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."

An 80 year old man was arrested for shop lifting. When he went before the Judge, the Judge asked him, "What did you steal?"

The man replied: a can of peaches. The judge asked him why he had stolen them and he replied that he was hungry.

The judge then asked him how many peaches were in the can. The man replied 6. The Judge then said, "Well then, I will give you 6 days in jail, one day for each peach."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the husband's wife spoke up and asked the judge if she could say something, on his behalf.

Bernie was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.

Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!"

"Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Bernie boy decided to call the grocery store.

A clerk answered and Bernie said, "May I speak with the Vice President of peas, please?"

The clerk replied, "Canned or frozen?"

Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.

Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.

The girl said she was.

A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.

Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.

Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?" "Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"