The Bathroom Scale

The bathroom scale manufacturer was very proud of the new model being introduced at the trade fair. "Listen to these features: it's calibrated to one-one-hundredth of a pound; it can measure your height as well, in feet or meters; it gives you a readout via an LED or human-voice simulator; and that's not all..."

"Very impressive," interrupted a none-too-slender sales rep for a chain of home furnishings stores, "but before I place an order I'll have to try it out."

"Be my guest," said the manufacturer graciously. No sooner had the sales rep taken his place on the scale than a loud, very human-sounding voice issued forth, "One at a time, please, one at a time!"

Escaped Reptiles

Someone mistakenly leaves the cages open in the reptile house at the Seattle Zoo and there are snakes slithering all over the place.

Frantically, the keeper tries everything, but he can't get them back in their cages. Finally he says to his aide, "Quick, call a lawyer!"

"A lawyer? Why??"

"We need someone who speaks their language!"

What Kind

On a recent family road trip, we had stopped to take in a spectacular sunset and were on our way back to our car when four Buddhist monks walked by.

When our sons asked about them, I explained, "Their life is a quest for enlightenment."

"I wonder what kind of car they drive," my wife said and jokingly suggested, "A Ford Focus?"

"Or a Honda Odyssey," I said.

The monks got into a Pathfinder.

Polish Sausage

A man walks up to a clerk and asks "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was Mexican?
Would ya, huh? Would ya?"

The clerk says, "Well, no!"

"If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

"Well, I probably wouldn't!"

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I ask for Polish sausage?"

Abstinence
PG-13

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went. The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the final couple was newlywed.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.

"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.

"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."

The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.

"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."

Life's Calling

A high school senior, saw an inspirational advertisement on television about becoming a teacher. She called the number shown: 1-800-45TEACH. After a woman answered, the student babbled on about how she thought she had found her life's calling and could she send her some information.

The lady who answered the phone asked the student what number she was calling. The student told her and there was a long pause. Then she said, "You misspelled TEACH."

I'd Like...

A customer in a bakery was observed carefully examining all the rich looking pastries displayed on trays in the glass cases. A clerk approached him and asked, "What would you like?"

He said, "I'd like that chocolate-covered, cream-filled doughnut, that jelly-filled doughnut and that cheese Danish." Then with a sigh he added, "But I'll take an oat bran muffin."

Shipwrecked

The shipwrecked mariner had spent several years on a deserted island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him.

When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him, "The captain said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued."

Two Statues

In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years. Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."

And so the statues came to life. They smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind some bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two giggling, bushes rustling, and twigs snapping. After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.

Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and said to the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?"

The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"

FIRST JOB

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 6 year old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew (gems in the rough) more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee breaks and lunch hours, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar bill. The little girl took this home to show her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a construction crew building a house all week".

"My goodness gracious", said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week too"?

"I will if those jackasses at the lumber yard ever bring us the 2 x 6's and the damn bricks", replied the little girl.

Texas Women

An Acquaintance of mine whose daughter was about to be married decided to give her a diamond ring that had been in the family for several generations. The stone had never been appraised, so the father asked a gemologist friend if she would take a look at it. She agreed, but said that instead of a fee she'd accept lunch at one of Houston's finer restaurants.

A few days later, as he and the gem expert sat sipping a glass of Chablis, he showed her the ring. She took out her jeweler's loupe, examined the diamond carefully and handed it back.

"Wow," said a diner who had been watching from the next table. "These Texas women are tough!"

Fast Cars

My father always loved fast cars. Taking advantage of the empty roads one morning, he accelerated down a wide-open stretch. Unfortunately, a young police officer was waiting at the other end, and Dad was flagged down. He greeted the officer with a cheery "Good morning."

"And a good morning to you, Wing Commander," replied the officer. "Having trouble taking off?"

The Professor & The Student

A college chemistry professor could not help but notice that one of his students was late to class for the third time that week. Before class ended, he went around the room asking students some questions about the day's lecture. Of course, he made sure to pick on his tardy pupil.

"And who was it that discovered uranium?" the professor asked.

"I don't know," the student said.

"Perhaps if you came to class on time, Mr. Winters, you would know," said the professor.

"That wouldn't help," the student replied. "I never pay attention anyway!"

Duh!

I stopped at the local Burger King for a cold drink and was reading the menu over the counter. I noticed a sign to the side that stated "Picture Menu Available".

I had to ask the clerk what it was for and she told me that they had a number of customers who couldn't read and they used that.

Of course I asked how they would know this picture menu was available and her answer was the classic, "Well, it says so on the sign, doesn't it?"

Somebody Important

One day, the Pope is visiting America and driving around Washington in his limo when he gets an idea. "Driver? Can I drive for a while?"

"Sure," says the driver. How can you say no to the Pope?

So the Pope takes the wheel and starts driving like a maniac all around Washington -- dodging in and out of traffic, going eighty, cutting people off. Soon, a cop pulls him over. But when the Pope rolls down the window, the cop stops dead in his tracks, and goes back to the car.

"We got somebody really important here," he says to his partner.

"Who is it? Is it a senator?"

"No. More important."

"The president?"

"No. More important."

"An ambassador? Who?"

"I don't know. But the Pope is his driver."

Actual Comments

A mother was anxiously awaiting her daughter's plane. She had just come back from a far away land trying to find adventure.

As the daughter was exiting the plane, the mother noticed a man directly behind her daughter dressed in feathers with exotic markings all over his body and carrying a shrunken head. The daughter introduced this man as her new husband.

The mother gasped in disbelief and disappointment and screamed, "I said for you to marry a Rich Doctor! a Rich Doctor!"

eMail Delay

A co-worker asked if I knew what to do about a computer problem that was preventing her from getting e-mail. After calling the help desk, I told my colleague that e-mail was being delayed to check for a computer virus.

"It's a variant of the I Love You virus, only worse," I said.

"What could be worse?" my single co-worker asked wryly. "The Let's Just Be Friends virus?"

Another Government Agency

About 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator - Mr. Alan Pinkerton. He was actually the beginning of the Secret Service. Since that time federal police authority has grown to a large number  of agencies - FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, ATF, etc...

Now Congress is considering a proposal for another agency:
The "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service."

Can't you see it now? The new agents in their black uniforms with the initials in large white letters across their backs?

Mergers

There is a merger in the works involving Polygraph Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler. It will be called ... Poly-Warner-Cracker.

Also pending final arrangements we could see

3M & Goodyear = mmmGood
John Deere & Abitibi-Price = Deere Abi
Crabtree & Evelyn and Apple computer = Crab Apple
Zippo Manufacturing & Audi & Dofasco & Dakota Mining = Zip Audi Do Da
Swissair & Cheseborough-Ponds = Swisschese
Honeywell & Imasco & Home Oil = Honey, I'm Home
Denison Mines & Alliance & Metal Mining = Mine, All Mine
3M & JC Penney & Canadian Opera Company = 3 Penney Opera
Mattel & Pacific Gold = Ma & Pa
Sears Roebuck & Rogers Cable = Buck Rogers
Luvs Diapers + Hertz Rent-a-car = Luv Hertz
Knott's Berry Farm + National Organization of Women = Knott NOW
Federal Express and UPS = Fed Up.

Naval Academy

While a friend and I were visiting the Naval Academy in Annapolis, we noticed several first year students on their hands and knees assessing the brick courtyard with pencils and clipboards in hand. "What are they doing?" I asked our tour guide.

"Each year," he replied with a grin, "the upperclassmen ask the freshmen how many bricks it took to finish paving this courtyard."

"So what's the answer?" my friend asked him when we were out of earshot of the freshmen.

The guide replied, "One."

Airman

A US Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off  duty is called out to take care of it.

The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do.  Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.

As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just  reprimanded but punished."

Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands up tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland, for 11 months without any leave, and the reindeer are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's  two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump crap out of an aircraft....

The Hotel Bill

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic- sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. "But we didn't use them", the man complains. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again. "Well, we have them, and you could have", the Manager replies. No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!" The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.

"But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."

"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."

In a Child's Mind

A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the preschool wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. Little Johnny stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked, "Why do you dress funny?"

He told him he was a priest and this is the uniform priests wear.

Little Johnny pointed to the priest's plastic collar tab and asked, "Do you have an owie?"

The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab looked like a band-aid. So the priest took it out and handed it to Little Johnny, to show him. On the back of the tab were raised letters giving the name of the manufacturer.

Little Johnny felt the letters, and the priest asked, "Do you know what those words say?"

"Yes I do," said Little Johnny, who was not old enough to read. Peering intently at the letters he said, "Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!"

Drunk and Falling Down

A drunk had been at a pub all night. At last call, the drunk stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time, to the same result.

He figured he'd crawl outside to get some fresh air, since maybe that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his house.

When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face.

He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.

This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep the second his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning by his wife shouting, "So you've been out drinking again, have you?!"

"No! What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on his best innocent expression.

"The pub called... you forgot your wheelchair again."

Aye!

Way down upon the Mississippi, two tugboat captains who had been friends for years, would always cry "Aye!" and blow their whistles whenever they passed each other.

A new crewman asked his boat's mate, "What do they do that for?"

The mate looked surprised and replied, "You mean that you've never heard of... an aye for an aye and a toot for a toot?"

Paddy

At the construction site of a new church, the contractor stopped to chat with one of his workmen. "Paddy," he asked casually, "didn't you once tell me that you had a brother who was a bishop?"

"That I did, sir."

"And you are a bricklayer! It sure is a funny old world. Things in life aren't divided equally, are they?"

"No, that they ain't sir," agreed Paddy, as he proudly slapped the mortar along the line of bricks. "My poor brother  couldn't do this to save his life!"

Praise the Lord

An elderly lady was known for her faith and her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "Praise the Lord!"

Next door to her lived an atheist who would get angry at her proclamations and he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!"

Hard times set in on the elderly lady and she prayed to God to send her some assistance... She stood on her front porch and shouted, "Praise the Lord...God I need food!! I am having a hard time. Please, Lord, send me some groceries."

The next morning the lady went out on her porch, noted a large bag of groceries and she shouted, "Praise the Lord."

The neighbour jumped up from behind a bush and said, "Ha ha.. I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries. God didn't."

The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and saying, "Praise the Lord. He not only sent me groceries but He made the devil pay for them. PRAISE THE LORD."