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chuckle

February,  2008

Friday,  February 29, 2008

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills.

The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."

Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Exactly what's my problem?"

Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."

One of my co-workers got a speeding ticket and was attending a defensive-driving course to have points erased from her license. The instructor, a police officer, emphasized that being on time was crucial and that the classroom doors would be locked when each session began.

Just after one class started, someone knocked on the locked door. The officer opened it and asked, "Why are you late?"

The student replied, "I was trying not to get another ticket."

The officer let him in.

"In this job we need someone who is responsible," said the employer.

"Then I'm your man," answered the potential employee.

"On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

A businessman who needed a hundred thousand dollars to clinch an important deal went to church to pray for the money. By chance he knelt next to a man who was praying for $100 to pay an urgent debt.

The businessman took out his wallet and pressed $100 into the other man's hand. Overjoyed, the man got up and left the church. The businessman then closed his eyes and prayed, "And now, Lord, that I have your undivided attention..."

One evening after dinner, a five-year-old son noticed that his mother had gone out and he asked, "Dad, Where did mommy go?"

In answer to his questions, he was told him, "Mommy is at a Tupperware party."

This explanation satisfied him for only a moment. Puzzled, he asked, "What's a Tupperware party, Dad?"

The man had always given his son honest answers, so he figured a simple explanation would be the best approach. "Well, son," he said, "at a Tupperware party, a bunch of ladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to each other."

He nodded, indicating that he understood this curious pastime. Then he burst into laughter.

"Come on, Dad," he said. "What is it really?"

History Class

The history class was studying the Revolutionary battle of Saratoga which was probably lost because General William Howe chose to remain in Philadelphia. The teacher then asked the class to explain this major British defeat.

A voice from the back of the classroom answered "Lack of no Howe" .

Seconds

The teacher said, "Now class, we know there are 60 seconds in a minute, 60 minutes in an hour, 24 hours in a day, and 365 days in a year, so who can tell me how many seconds are there in a year?"

All the kids looked baffled by the question except Rufus, who raises his hand and waves it excitedly.

"Yes, Rufus, how many seconds are there in a year?" the teacher asked.

Replied Rufus, "Twelve, m'am. January second, February second, March second..."

Prove Wisdom

A Chinese scholar was lecturing when all the lights in the auditorium went out. He asked members of the audience to raise their hands. As soon as they had all complied, the lights went on again. He then said, "Prove wisdom of Old Chinese saying:

'Many hands make light work."

What Flavor?

The young man entered the Ice Cream Palace and asked, "What kinds of ice cream do you have?"

"Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry," the girl wheezed as she spoke, patted her chest and seemed unable to continue.

"You got laryngitis?" the young man asked sympathetically.

"Nope," she whispered, "just vanilla, chocolate and strawberry."

An old man limped into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, my knee hurts so bad, I can hardly walk!"

The doctor slowly eyed him from head to toe, paused and then said, "Sir, how old are you?"

"I'm 98," the man announced proudly.

The doctor just sighed, and looked at him again. Finally he said, "Sir, I'm sorry. I mean, just look at you. You are almost one hundred years old, and you're complaining that your knee hurts? Well, what did you expect?"

The old man said, "Well, my other knee is 98 years old too, and it doesn't hurt!"

Tuesday,  February 19, 2008

A Short Love Story

A man and a woman who had never met before, and were both married to other people, found them assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-Continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly.....
He was in the upper bunk and she was in the lower.
At 1:00 am, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

I have a better idea,' she replied. 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own damned blanket.'

After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End

One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems O.K. but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again, she seems O.K. but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart!"

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

Blood Pressure

When a physician remarked on a new patient's extraordinarily ruddy complexion, he said, "High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family."

"Your mother's side or your father's?" I asked.

"Neither," he replied. "It's from my wife's family."

"Oh, come now," I said. "How could your wife's family give you high blood pressure?"

He sighed. "You oughta meet 'em sometime, Doc!"

"Doctor, Doctor..."

Man runs to the doctor and says, "doctor, you've got to help me...my wife thinks she's a chicken!"

Doctor says, "how long has she had this condition?"

"Two years," says the man.

"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?"

The man shrugs his shoulders, "we needed the eggs."

A man returns to the U.S. from Africa feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the  hospital, to undergo a barrage of extensive tests.

The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.

"This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely nasty virus, which is extremely contagious!"

"Oh my gosh," cries the man. He's in a panic now. "What are you going to do, doctor?"

"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread."

"Will that cure me?" asked the man hopefully.

The doctor replied, "Well no, but ... it's the only food we can get under the door."

Wednesday,  February 13, 2008

Clunk!

My dad, an auto mechanic, received a repair order that read: "Check for clunking sound when going around corners."

Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn, and a moment later he heard a clunk. He then made a left turn and again heard a clunk.

Back at the shop, he opened the car's trunk, and soon discovered the problem. Promptly he returned the repair order to the service manager with this notation: "Remove bowling ball from trunk".

Monday,  February 11, 2008

Now What

We were listening to a lecture on psychic phenomena in our Comparative Religions course. Our instructor told us about a woman who contacted police working on a missing-persons case. "She gave eerily detailed instructions on where to find the body," the teacher said. "In fact, the detectives did find the body just as she had described. Now what would you call that kind of person?"

While the rest of us pondered the question, a sheriff's officer taking

the course raised his hand and replied, "A suspect."

Sunday,  February 10, 2008

Saturday,  February 9, 2008

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the next stall saying:
'Hi, how are you?'

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
'Doin' just fine!'

And the other person says:
'So what are you up to?'

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
'Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!'

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
'Can I come over?'

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them
'No.......I'm a little busy right now!!!'

Then I hear the person say nervously...
'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the next stall who keeps answering all my questions

Friday,  February 8, 2008

The Secret

Thursday,  February 7, 2008

Live to  be 85

I  recently turned 63 + and had to choose a new primary care physician for my  healthcare insurance .
 
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well'  for my age.
 
A  little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you  think I will live to be 85?'
 
He  asked: Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?'
 
'Oh  no,' I replied. 'I don't do drugs, either.'
 
'Do  you have many friends and entertain frequently?'
 
'I  said, 'No, I usually stay home and keep to myself'.
 
'Do  you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
 
I  said, 'No, my other doctor said that all red meat is  unhealthy!'
 
'Do  you spend a lot of time in the sun.
 
'No, I don't,' I said.
 
'Do  you gamble, or have a lot of sex?'
 
'No,' I said. 'I don't do any of those things.'
 
He  looked at me and said, 'Then why do you give a damn?'

Wednesday,  February 6, 2008

Tuesday,  February 5, 2008

Getting Even

Monday,  February 4, 2008

Curtain Rods

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases .On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things .On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water .
 
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods .She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
 
When the ex husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days .Then slowly, the house began to smell .They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out .Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned .Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!!! People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in
the house. The maid quit.  Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. 
 
 A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house .Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls .Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place .
 
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going .He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing t o reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back .Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day .She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork .
 
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company! pack everything to take to their new home.........And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!!!!!!

Sunday,  February 3, 2008

Wet Paint

A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck  seat, and they go.

When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"

"Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but not framed."

Saturday,  February 2, 2008

Two Guys

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Lowe's when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a red halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

Friday,  February 1, 2008

Tennessee Farmer

A man owned a small farm in Tennessee.  The TN State Wage & Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.  

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them " demanded the agent.    

" Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.  The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.   Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."  

"That's the guy I want to talk to --- the half-wit," says the agent.  

"That would be me," replied the farmer.