Friday, February 29, 2008
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills.
The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."
Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Exactly what's my problem?"
Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."
Thursday, February 28, 2008
One of my co-workers got a speeding ticket and was attending a defensive-driving course to have points erased from her license. The instructor, a police officer, emphasized that being on time was crucial and that the classroom doors would be locked when each session began.
Just after one class started, someone knocked on the locked door. The officer opened it and asked, "Why are you late?"
The student replied, "I was trying not to get another ticket."
The officer let him in.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
"In this job we need someone who is responsible," said the employer.
"Then I'm your man," answered the potential employee.
"On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
A businessman who needed a hundred thousand dollars to clinch an important deal went to church to pray for the money. By chance he knelt next to a man who was praying for $100 to pay an urgent debt.
The businessman took out his wallet and pressed $100 into the other man's hand. Overjoyed, the man got up and left the church. The businessman then closed his eyes and prayed, "And now, Lord, that I have your undivided attention..."
Monday, February 25, 2008
One evening after dinner, a five-year-old son noticed that his mother had gone out and he asked, "Dad, Where did mommy go?"
In answer to his questions, he was told him, "Mommy is at a Tupperware party."
This explanation satisfied him for only a moment. Puzzled, he asked, "What's a Tupperware party, Dad?"
The man had always given his son honest answers, so he figured a simple explanation would be the best approach. "Well, son," he said, "at a Tupperware party, a bunch of ladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to each other."
He nodded, indicating that he understood this curious pastime. Then he burst into laughter.
"Come on, Dad," he said. "What is it really?"
Sunday, February 24, 2008
The history class was studying the Revolutionary battle of Saratoga which was probably lost because General William Howe chose to remain in Philadelphia. The teacher then asked the class to explain this major British defeat.
A voice from the back of the classroom answered "Lack of no Howe" .
Saturday, February 23, 2008
The teacher said, "Now class, we know there are 60 seconds in a minute, 60 minutes in an hour, 24 hours in a day, and 365 days in a year, so who can tell me how many seconds are there in a year?"
All the kids looked baffled by the question except Rufus, who raises his hand and waves it excitedly.
"Yes, Rufus, how many seconds are there in a year?" the teacher asked.
Replied Rufus, "Twelve, m'am. January second, February second, March second..."
Friday, February 22, 2008
A Chinese scholar was lecturing when all the lights in the auditorium went out. He asked members of the audience to raise their hands. As soon as they had all complied, the lights went on again. He then said, "Prove wisdom of Old Chinese saying:
'Many hands make light work."
Thursday, February 21, 2008
The young man entered the Ice Cream Palace and asked, "What kinds of ice cream do you have?"
"Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry," the girl wheezed as she spoke, patted her chest and seemed unable to continue.
"You got laryngitis?" the young man asked sympathetically.
"Nope," she whispered, "just vanilla, chocolate and strawberry."
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
An old man limped into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, my knee hurts so bad, I can hardly walk!"
The doctor slowly eyed him from head to toe, paused and then said, "Sir, how old are you?"
"I'm 98," the man announced proudly.
The doctor just sighed, and looked at him again. Finally he said, "Sir, I'm sorry. I mean, just look at you. You are almost one hundred years old, and you're complaining that your knee hurts? Well, what did you expect?"
The old man said, "Well, my other knee is 98 years old too, and it doesn't hurt!"
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
A man and a woman
who had never met before, and were both married to other people,
found them assigned to the same sleeping room on a
Monday, February 18, 2008
One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems O.K. but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again, she seems O.K. but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.
Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart!"
Sunday, February 17, 2008
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
Saturday, February 16, 2008
When a physician remarked on a new patient's extraordinarily ruddy complexion, he said, "High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family."
"Your mother's side or your father's?" I asked.
"Neither," he replied. "It's from my wife's family."
"Oh, come now," I said. "How could your wife's family give you high blood pressure?"
He sighed. "You oughta meet 'em sometime, Doc!"
Friday, February 15, 2008
Man runs to the doctor and says, "doctor, you've got to help me...my wife thinks she's a chicken!"
Doctor says, "how long has she had this condition?"
"Two years," says the man.
"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?"
The man shrugs his shoulders, "we needed the eggs."
Thursday, February 14, 2008
A man returns to the U.S. from Africa feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of extensive tests.
The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.
"This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely nasty virus, which is extremely contagious!"
"Oh my gosh," cries the man. He's in a panic now. "What are you going to do, doctor?"
"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread."
"Will that cure me?" asked the man hopefully.
The doctor replied, "Well no, but ... it's the only food we can get under the door."
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
There was this guy, and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot. One day he went to work to find a new girl had started. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite besotted with her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too.
But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't do anything with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine. He decided that there was nothing to do but to break up with her and get it on with the new girl. He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it.
One day they went for a walk along the river bank when Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned. The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing.......
I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
My dad, an auto mechanic, received a repair order that read: "Check for clunking sound when going around corners."
Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn, and a moment later he heard a clunk. He then made a left turn and again heard a clunk.
Back at the shop, he opened the car's trunk, and soon discovered the problem. Promptly he returned the repair order to the service manager with this notation: "Remove bowling ball from trunk".
Monday, February 11, 2008
We were listening to a lecture on psychic phenomena in our Comparative Religions course. Our instructor told us about a woman who contacted police working on a missing-persons case. "She gave eerily detailed instructions on where to find the body," the teacher said. "In fact, the detectives did find the body just as she had described. Now what would you call that kind of person?"
While the rest of us pondered the question, a sheriff's officer taking
the course raised his hand and replied, "A suspect."
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Somewhat skeptical of his son's newfound determination to become Charles Atlas, the father nevertheless followed the teenager over to the weight-lifting department, admiring a set of weights. "Please, Dad," pleaded the boy, "I promise I'll use 'em every day."
"I don't know, Michael. It's really a commitment on your part," the father pointed out.
"Please, Dad?" the boy continued.
"They're not cheap either," the father came back.
"I'll use 'em Dad, I promise. You'll see."
Finally won over, the father paid for the equipment and headed for the door. From the corner of the store he heard his son yelp, "What! You mean I have to carry them to the car?"
Saturday, February 9, 2008
I was barely sitting down when I heard a
voice from the next stall saying:
Friday, February 8, 2008
An old man was relaxing at his hundredth birthday party when a reporter went up to him. "Sir, what is the secret of your long life?"
The man considered this for a moment, then replied "every day at 9 PM I have a glass of port. Good for the heart I've heard."
The reporter replied, "That's ALL?"
The man smiled, "That, and canceling my voyage on Titanic."
Thursday, February 7, 2008
I recently turned 63 + and had to choose a new primary care physician for my
healthcare insurance .
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
The interviewer examined the job application then turned to the prospective employee. "I see you have put ASAP down for the date you are available to start, meaning as soon as possible, of course.
However, I see you've put AMAP down for required salary. I don't believe I've ever seen that before, what does it mean?"
The applicant replied, "As Much as Possible!"
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Johnny had just received his drivers license. The family goes out to the driveway and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the new driver.
"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says boy.
"Nope, I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat while you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."
Monday, February 4, 2008
the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases .On the
second day, she had the movers come and collect her things .On the third day,
she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by
candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of
shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water .
Sunday, February 3, 2008
decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat.
The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her
rear. She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive
her to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck
seat, and they go.
Saturday, February 2, 2008
Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Lowe's when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a red halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"
The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."
Friday, February 1, 2008
A man owned a small farm in Tennessee. The TN State Wage & Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them " demanded the agent.
" Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to --- the half-wit," says the agent.
"That would be me," replied the farmer.