Saturday, February 28, 2009
Two rural church deacons who were having a sociable beer in the local tavern when they saw their minister drive by and take a good long look at their pickup trucks parked outside.
One deacon ducked down and said, "I hope the reverend didn't see us or recognize my pickup."
The other replied indifferently, "What difference does it make? God knows we're in here... and he's the only one who counts."
The first deacon answered, "Yeah, but God won't tell my wife."
Friday, February 27, 2009
Little Johnny has been bringing his drawings home from kindergarten everyday since he started a month ago. Each day his mother admires the pictures and hangs them on the refrigerator. One thing starts bothering her though. Little Johnny only uses black and browns for his drawings. Fearing a problem with her young son and not wanting to make it worse, she decides to take him to a child psychologist.
The psychologist delicately goes to work. He gives Johnny a battery of psychological tests. He chats with Johnny. Everything seems perfectly normal. Everyday for two weeks, the tests continue. Yet everyday, little Johnny continues to bring home drawings in only black and brown. Frustrated at not being able to get to the root of the problem and fearful that something is terrible wrong, the child psychologist decides to give little Johnny some paper and a box of crayons and observe what happens.
Little Johnny opens the box of crayons and says "oh boy! A new box of crayons! At school we only have old boxes. The only ones left in mine are black and brown!"
Thursday, February 26, 2009
A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS Tax auditor who had come to review his records.
At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Mr. Carr, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile."
"Thank goodness," returned Mr. Carr, with a giant grin on his face from ear to ear "I thought you were going to want me to pay with cash."
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
When a physician remarked on a new patient's extraordinarily ruddy complexion, he said, "High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family."
"Your mother's side or your father's?" I asked.
"Neither," he replied. "It's from my wife's family."
"Oh, come now," I said. "How could your wife's family give you high blood pressure?"
He sighed. "You oughta meet 'em sometime, Doc!"
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. "You comma to de front door of the apartmenta. I am inna apartmenta 301."
There issa bigga panel at the front door. With you elbow, pusha button 301. I will buzza you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with you elbow, pusha 3.
When you get out, I'mma on the left. With you elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?
"What . .. . . .. .. You comma empty handed?
Monday, February 23, 2009
Toward the end of our senior year in high school, we were required to take a CPR course. The classes used the well known mannequin-victim, Resusci Anne, to practice. My group's model was legless to allow for storage in a carrying case.
The class went off in groups to practice. As instructed, one of my classmates gently shook the doll and asked "Are you all right?" He then put his ear over the mannequin's mouth to listen for breathing. Suddenly he turned to the instructor and exclaimed, "She said she can't feel her legs!"
Sunday, February 22, 2009
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, Morris, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.
"Guess what, sir?" Morris said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked."
"That's the one!" said the clerk.
"That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?"
"Oh," Morris replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."
Saturday, February 21, 2009
A lawyer dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band. Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says "Congratulations!"
"Congratulations for what?" asks the lawyer.
"Congratulations for what?!?" says Saint Peter. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old."
"But that's not true," says the lawyer. "I only lived to be forty."
"That's impossible," says Saint Peter. "We've added up your time sheets."
Friday, February 20, 2009
A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. "I feel really good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a fifty dollar bill to a bum."
"You gave a bum fifty dollars!?!? That's a lot of money to just give away. What did you husband say about it?"
"Oh, he said, 'Thanks.'"
Thursday, February 19, 2009
A chemistry teacher wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.
"Now, class. Observe the worms closely," said the teacher putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a door nail.
"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the teacher asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits at the back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
A burglar entered the house of a Quaker and proceeded to rob it.
The Quaker heard the noise and took his shotgun downstairs. Upon finding the burglar he aimed his gun and said gently,
"Friend, I mean thee no harm, but thou standest where I am about to shoot."
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.
FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART DOG
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000
1/2 COCKER SPANIEL - 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT... BEEN OUT AWHILE.. BETTER BE REWARD.
GET A LITTLE JOHN: THE TRAVELING URINAL HOLDS 2 1/2 BOTTLES OF BEER.
AMERICAN FLAG - 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED $100
TO THE PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE: PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE. ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VICINITY ARE DEAD.
Monday, February 16, 2009
1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
2. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
3. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
I don't have a
license to kill.
Madness takes its
If you can read
Save the whales!
Whitewater is over
My wife keeps
complaining I never listen to her
If we are what we
Saturday, February 14, 2009
One of the single girls in the office came in one morning and began passing out cigars and candy, both tied with blue ribbons.
When asked what the occasion was, she proudly displayed a diamond solitaire on her left ring finger. "It's a boy," she announced, "six feet tall, 178 pounds!"
Friday, February 13, 2009
My husband and I were walking around our yard, looking at things that were, or were not, coming up in the gardens.
We stopped to look at a few sorry looking stalks coming up out of a patch of ground. At my husband's questioning look, I gestured to the stalks and said, "Peonies."
He replied, "I don't think it will help."
Thursday, February 12, 2009
A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.
"All right children, let's take another example," she said.
"If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his billfold with all his money, what would I be?"
Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile, he blurts out, "You'd be his wife!"
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual stupid Redneck jokes, when a big burly guy in the audience stands up and says "I've heard just about enough of your smart mouth hillbilly jokes; we ain't all stupid around here."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the big guy pipes up," You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to the smart mouth little fella on your knee!"
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
Monday, February 9, 2009
The following are a few letters sent to Dear Abby that she herself admitted she was at a loss to answer:
What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR?
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now, how do I get out?
My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
While working as an airline customer-service agent, I got a call from a woman who wanted to know if she could take her dog on board.
I told her the dog was welcome, as long as she paid a $50 charge and provided her own kennel. I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around and roll over.
"I'll never be able to teach him all that by tomorrow!" the customer complained.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Two little children, a boy and a girl, walked hand-in-hand to a neighbor's house. The little girl stood on her tiptoes and just able to reach the doorbell. Then, an elderly lady greeted them at the front door.
"Good morning, children," she said. "What can I do for you?"
"We're playing house," the little girl answered. "This is my husband and I'm his wife. Can we come in?"
Thoroughly enchanted by the scene, the elderly lady replied, "By all means, do come in."
Once inside, she offered the children lemonade and cookies, which they graciously accepted.
When a second tall glass of lemonade was offered, the little girl politely declined. "No thank you," she said. "We have to go now. My husband just wet his pants."
Friday, February 6, 2009
Two husbands were discussing their married lives. Although happily married, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes. Then Chad said, "I've made one great discovery.
I now know how to always have the last word."
"Wow!" said Sherm, "how did you manage that?"
"It's easy," replied Chad. "My last word is always 'Yes, Dear.' "
Thursday, February 5, 2009
I was shopping in an arts and crafts store, where a friend of mine worked, for a gift for my niece. She had taken an interest in oil painting and I planned to purchase a beginner set of paints and brushes.
My friend was at the cash register when I was checking out. I hadn't seen her for a few weeks and had started a diet in the meantime, having moderate success.
She asked me if I had gotten thinner. I was thrilled that it showed already and replied that I had lost a few pounds.
She rolled her eyes and said, "I meant paint thinner."
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
The actor's agent finally gets him a part. It is only one line - "Hark I hear a cannon." He practices the line and tells his parents and friends he has a part and his role has him say - Hark I hear a cannon.
When he arrives at the theater the guard asks who he is. He replies the guy who says - Hark I hear a cannon. The guard let's him in.
The makeup people also want to know who he is and he says I am the guy who says- Hark I hear a cannon.
He gets the cue to go on stage. The cannon goes off and he says - what the hell was that!
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
A scientist found, to his great surprise, that he was lactose intolerant. At dinner that night with his two young daughters (age 9 and 4 years), he mentioned that he had found out that he was lactose intolerant and tried to explain to them what that meant.
A couple of months later, he took the kids to a local restaurant for a quick breakfast before shopping.
The place was very busy, but the quality of the food and service were obviously not up to par. When they finally got their breakfast, his youngest daughter took a look at her father's omelet and burnt toast and declared very loudly to the waitress "My Daddy can't eat that toast, he is black toast intolerant."
Monday, February 2, 2009
An armed hooded robber bursts into the Texas Bank and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot a brave Texas customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.
The robber shoots this brave Texan without hesitation!
He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber shoots him also.
Everyone else, by
now is very scared and looking down at the floor.
There are a few
moments silence, and then an old man, while still looking
Sunday, February 1, 2009
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students.
He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."
The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.