February 28, 2010
A teacher was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his boots. He had asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on.
When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure enough, they were.
It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on- this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots."
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off. He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them."
She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. She said, "Now, where are your mittens?"
He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."
Her trial starts next month.
February 27, 2010
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding through one of the many canyons, when suddenly rising from the hill on their right are hundreds of Indians.
They start to spur their horse forward, when they realized that there are hundreds of Indians ahead of them. Wheeling to the left they, once again, see hundreds of Indians rising from the hill. They begin to back away in the direction from which they had come and they realize they were surrounded. The Indians had spread out and they were trapped.
The Lone Ranger turns to Tonto, his life long friend, and says, "Tonto, my friend, I think I must say that I have treasured our times together, but now I think we are doomed."
"We?" replied Tonto. "What's all this 'we' stuff, Paleface?"
February 26, 2010
It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the prisoner. "What are you charged with?" he asked.
"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.
"That's no offense," replied the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.
February 25, 2010
A woman answered her front door and found two little boys holding a list.
"Lady," one of them explained, "we're on a scavenger hunt, and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."
"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"
"Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."
February 24, 2010
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.
I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.
The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37.
Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
February 23, 2010
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg gets invited to a fancy costume party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg. ..so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note: "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate."
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg, so he writes a rude letter of complaint.
A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says: "Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part."
Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company a REALLY rude letter of complaint.
The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads: "Dear Sir, since we have not been able to make you happy, this is our last suggestion, please find enclosed a bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your butt, and go as a caramel apple!"
February 22, 2010
A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked out to have a talk with him.
"I've figured out your problem," he told the young southpaw. "You always seem to lose control at the same point in every game."
"When is that?" asked the kid.
"Right after the National Anthem."
February 20, 2010
When the bookie asked the veteran horse player the secret of his consistent success, the gambler provided a simple explanation. "I'm just lucky, I guess. I turn to the racing page, close my eyes and stick a pin in it," he said.
"Lucky!" the bookie exclaimed in disbelief. "But how did you pick this four-horse combination?"
"Well," the gambler admitted, "I didn't have a pin, so I used a fork."
February 19, 2010
The young wife was in tears when she opened the door for her husband. "I've been insulted," she sobbed. "Your mother insulted me."
"My mother!" he exclaimed. "But she is a hundred miles away."
"I know, but a letter came for you this morning and I opened it."
He looked stern, "I see, but where does the insult come in?"
"In the postscript," she answered. "It said: 'Dear Alice, don't forget to give this letter to George.'"
February 18, 2010
An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural history museum.
"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.
To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."
A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."
February 17, 2010
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan! They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies.
Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out: "Watch that wall!"
February 16, 2010
A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees the condom display.
Boy: "Dad, why do they do packs of one condom?"
Dad: "Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights."
Boy: "So, why do they make packs of three?"
Dad: "For the college guys for Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights."
Boy: "Then why do they make packs of 12?"
Dad: "Those are for married couples -- you know, January, February, March."
February 15, 2010
A man is walking his dog in a park when he meets another man, also walking his dog. They say hello and start to talk about their dogs. One has a Chihuahua and the other a Doberman.
They decide to rest for coffee and they walk into a local cafe. Upon seeing a 'no animals allowed' sign, the man with the Doberman says "Don't worry, put on these dark glasses. We'll pretend these are our guide dogs".
So the men do this and go into the cafe. When the waiter comes over, he says to the man with the Doberman "I'm sorry sir, but we do not allow animals in here. You'll have to take that dog outside."
"But this is my guide dog," says the man.
"A Doberman! A Doberman isn't a guide dog," says the waiter.
"Actually, a Doberman is particularly suited to being a guide dog nowadays. They provide lots of security and they are very well mannered."
"Oh, alright then," says the waiter, and then he notices the other dog. "Excuse me sir, but you can't have that dog in here," he says to the other man.
"Oh yes I can, this is my guide dog" says the man.
"But that dog is a Chihuahua! A Chihuahua isn't a guide dog!" says the waiter.
The man exclaims "what, they gave me a Chihuahua?!"
February 14, 2010
I thought I had finally found a way to convince Susan, my continually harried friend, that she needed to find ways to relax. I invited her to dinner and, while I was busy cooking, she agreed to watch my videotape on stress management and relaxation techniques.
Fifteen minutes later, she came into the kitchen and handed me the tape.
"It was good," she said, "but I don't need it."
"But it's a 70-minute video," I replied. "You couldn't have watched the whole thing."
"Yes, I did," Susan assured me. "I put it on fast-forward."
February 13, 2010
Three vampires go into a bar. The bartender walks up to the first one and says, "What can I get you?"
The vampire says, "I want a pint of blood."
Then bartender then asks the second vampire, and he too replies that he would like a pint of blood.
The bartender then asks the third vampire for his drink order.
The vampire says, "I want a pint of plasma."
The bartender thinks for a minute and says, "Let me see if I've got this right. That's two bloods and a blood light?"
February 12, 2010
As the seventh of eight children, my son Isaac is used to hand-me-downs. He was very excited on his eighth birthday, therefore, when we took him to a store to choose a watch. A clerk demonstrated the features to him: "This is the hour hand, this is the minute hand, and this is the second hand."
With that, Isaac's face fell. "Secondhand? I thought we were buying a new one!"
February 11, 2010
As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum.
No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle.
Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear. Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand and quietly fastens his seat belt.
All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars and battle ribbons and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose."
February 10, 2010
While walking through the woods one day, I was surprised to hear a child's voice. I followed the sound, trying in vain to understand the child's words. When I spotted a boy perched on a rock, I realized why his words had made no sense: He was repeating the alphabet.
"Why are you saying your ABC's so many times?" I asked him.
The child replied, "I'm saying my prayers."
I couldn't help but laugh. "Prayers? All I hear is the alphabet."
Patiently the child explained, "Well, I don't know all the words, so I give God the letters. He knows what I'm trying to say."
February 9, 2010
Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
The clerk asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four."
"All right. How long do you need them?"
The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."
After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."
February 8, 2010
My job as a land surveyor took me to a golf course that was expanding to 18 holes. Using a machete to clear thick brush in an area I was mapping, I came upon a golf club that an irate player must have tossed away. It was in good condition, so I picked it up and continued on.
When I broke out of the brush onto a putting green, two golfers stared at me in awe. I had a machete in one hand, a golf club in the other, and behind me was a clear-cut swath over 100 yards long.
"There," said one of the golfers, "is a guy who hates to lose his ball!"
February 7, 2010
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
February 6, 2010
A group of 40-year-old buddies discuss where they should meet for dinner. After much discussion it is agreed that they should meet at the Beaujolais Bistro because the waitresses there have low-cut blouses and really short skirts.
10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed to meet at the Beaujolais Bistro because the food there is very good and the wine selection is excellent.
10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and again chooses the Beaujolais Bistro because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke-free.
10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Beaujolais Bistro because the restaurant is wheelchair accessible and they even have an elevator.
10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss at length where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Beaujolais Bistro because everyone's heard it's good and they've never been there before.
February 5, 2010
The owner of this drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.
The owner asks the clerk: "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner, wide-eyed and excited shouts: "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!"
The clerk calmly responds: "Of course you can! Look at him; he's afraid to cough!"
February 4, 2010
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud during the service.
Finally, his big sister had enough.
"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked indignantly.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers!"
February 3, 2010
A man in a hurry taking his 8-year-old son to school, made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited.
"Uh-oh, I think I just made an illegal turn!" the man said.
"It's okay, Dad" the boy said. "The police car right behind us did the same thing."
February 2, 2010
Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.
As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, Vietnam, 1969."
The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog crap, 20 feet back."
February 1, 2010
I pulled up to the drive-thru of a fast-food restaurant and ordered coffee. I asked the clerk to put some ice cubes into the cup so that I could drink the cool coffee quickly.
At the window, there was a delay. Finally, a teen-aged girl came to the window looking frustrated.
"I'm having a problem," she announced. "The ice keeps melting."