February 29, 2012
One Sunday morning, a
minister decided to do something a little different. He said "Today, in church,
I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach."
Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, 'THE OLD RUGGED CROSS..'
The pastor hollered out 'GRACE.' The congregation began to sing 'AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.'
The pastor said 'POWER.' The congregation sang 'THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD.'
The Pastor said 'SEX' The congregation fell into total silence.
Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything. Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing 'MEMORIES.'
Gotta Love Little Old Ladies.
February 28, 2012
Debra decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and a gold Rolex."
"But you're not wearing any of those things," replied the artist.
"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."
February 27, 2012
There once was a Law professor who came across a student who was willing to learn but was unable to pay tuition.
The student struck a deal saying "I will pay tuition the day I win my first case in the court."
The Professor agreed and proceeded with the law course. When the course was finished and the Professor started pestering the student to pay the tuition, the student reminded the deal and pushed for time.
Fed up with this, the professor decided to sue the student in court and both of them decided to represent themselves.
The Professor put forward his argument saying: "If I win this case, as per the court of law, the student has to pay me. And if I lose the case, the student will still pay me because he would have won his first case. So either way I will have to get the money."
The equally brilliant student argued back saying: "If I win the case, as per the court of law, I don't have to pay anything to the Professor. And if I lose the case, I don't have to pay him because I haven't won my first case yet. So either way, I am not going to pay the Professor anything!"
February 26, 2012
While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Tom and his wife Peg listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"
February 25, 2012
Jerry was working at a lumberyard, pushing a tree through a saw, when he accidentally sheared off all four of his fingers.
He rushed to the emergency room of a nearby hospital where the awaiting doctor took a look and said, "What a mess! Well, give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do."
"I haven't got the fingers." Jerry replied.
"What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers?" the doctor inquired, "This is the age of medical advances. We've got microsurgery and all sorts of incredible techniques! Why didn't you bring me the fingers?"
"Well, heck, doctor," Jerry answered, "I tried, but I couldn't pick 'em up."
February 24, 2012
When you write copy, you own the right of copyright to the copy you write, if the copy is right. If, however, your copy falls over, you must right your copy. If you write religious services, you write rite, and own the right of copyright to the rite you write.
Conservatives write Right copy, and own the right of copyright, to the Right copy they write. A right-wing cleric would write Right rite, and owns the right of copyright to the Right rite he has the right to write. His editor has the job of making the Right rite copy right before the copyright can be right.
Should Reverend Jim Wright decide to write Right rite, then Wright would write right rite, to which Wright has the right of copyright. Duplicating his rite would be to copy Wright's Right rite, and violate copyright, to which Wright would have the right to right.
February 23, 2012
70-year-old George went for his annual physical. He told the doctor that he felt fine, but often had to go to the bathroom during the night. Then he said, "But you know Doc, I'm blessed. God knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when I pee, and turns it off when I'm done!"
A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George's wife and said, "Your husband's test results were fine, but he said something strange that has been bugging me. He claims that God turns the light on and off for him when uses the bathroom at night."
Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's been peeing in the refrigerator again!"
February 22, 2012
One evening a man was very impressed with the meat entree his wife had served. "What did you marinate this in?" he asked.
His wife immediately went into a long explanation about how much she loves him and how life wouldn't be the same without him, etc.
Eventually, his puzzled expression made her interrupt her answer with a question of her own, "What did you ask me?"
She chuckled at his answer and explained, "I thought you asked me if I would marry you again!"
As she left the room, he called out, "Well, would you marry me again?"
Without hesitation, she replied, "Vinegar and barbecue sauce."
February 21, 2012
A watermelon farmer was determined to scare off the local kids who went into his watermelon patch every night to eat their fill.
After some thought, he made a sign that read, "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS HAS BEEN INJECTED WITH CYANIDE!"
He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons.
A week later, the farmer was surveying his field. To his satisfaction, no watermelons were missing, but a sign next to his read, "NOW THERE ARE TWO!"
February 20, 2012
There was a Scottish tradesman, a painter called Jack, who was very interested in making a pound where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time.
Eventually the Presbyterian Church decided to do a big restoration job on one of their biggest churches. Jack put in a painting bid and because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he set to, with a right good will, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and...yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with the turpentine.
Well, Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack off the scaffold to land on the lawn.
Now, Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke, "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
February 19, 2012
The masked robber burst into the bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
On his way out, a customer grabbed him and tore off his mask, revealing his face. The robber shot him dead without a moment's hesitation.
He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.
Everyone in the bank, now terrified, looked intently down at the floor in silence. The robber yelled, "Well, anyone else see my face?"
There are a few moments of terrified silence.
Finally an old man speaks up, “My wife got a good look at you.”
February 18, 2012
The teacher asked her class what each wanted to become when they grew up. A chorus of responses came from all over the room:
"A football player," said Jim.
"A doctor," said Alfred.
"An astronaut," said Suzy.
"The president," said little Al. (Everyone laughed).
"A fireman," said Fred.
"A teacher," said Lisa.
"A race car driver." said Mario.
Everyone that is, except Tommy.
The teacher noticed he was sitting there quiet and still. So she said to him, "Tommy, what do you want to be when you grow up?"
"Possible." Tommy replied.
"Possible?" asked the teacher.
"Yes," Tommy said. "My mom is always telling me I'm impossible. So when I get to be big, I want to be possible."
February 17, 2012
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together.
One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, was I getting in or out of the bath?'
The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses was I going up the stairs or down?'
The 92-year-old was sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood...'
She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.'
February 16, 2012
A desperate young mother had two incorrigible boys. Having exhausted all suggestions for controlling the little hellions, she tried one last approach: she took them to the meanest preacher in town for a lecture.
First, the older boy was admitted into the stern minister's study.
Glaring at the boy from behind the desk, the preacher waited a few moments, then challenged the boy: “Young man, where is God?”
The boy was stunned to silence.
The preacher rose part way out of his chair and repeated the question, “I asked you, Where Is God?”
The boy began to quake with dread; this was no ordinary lecture for being bad!
Stepping around from behind the desk, the impassioned preacher now shouted his question, “WHERE IS GOD!?”
At this, the boy leaped from his chair and bolted out the door, running headlong into his little brother.
“What's wrong? What's the matter?” his brother asked.
“It's awful! The church has LOST GOD and they're BLAMING US!”
February 15, 2012ot Much of a Man
A scruffy old man was eating at a truck stop, when three bikers walked in.
The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, and then took a seat at the counter.
The second walked up, spit into the old man's milk, and then took a seat at the counter.
The third walked up, turned over the old man's plate, and then took a seat at the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner.
Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"
The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."
February 14, 2012
A redneck felt sick and decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examined him.
"I can't seem to find the problem, but I think it has something to do with alcohol."
"Well," said the redneck, "then I'll come back when you're sober.'
February 13, 2012
A knight and his men returned to their castle after a long hard day of fighting.
"How are we faring?" asks the king.
"Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west."
"What?!?" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!"
"Oh," says the knight. "Well, you do now."
February 12, 2012
It was late afternoon at the crowded Shopping Mall when the distraught Linda dashed to a phone and called a cab.
She stood there outside until the taxi drove up.
"Where to M'am?" the driver asked.
"Just keep driving around the parking lot," she answered, "I'm afraid I've lost my car again."
February 11, 2012
A concerned husband went to the doctor to talk about his wife.
He said to the doctor, "I think my wife is losing her hearing because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things."
"Well," the doctor replied, "go home tonight, stand about 15 feet from her, and say something. If she doesn't reply, move 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this until we get an idea about the severity of her deafness."
The husband went home and did exactly as the doctor had instructed. He started off 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she was chopping some vegetables.
He said, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
He heard no response. He moved 5 feet closer and asked again. No reply. He moved 5 feet closer. Still no reply.
He finally got fed up and moved right behind her, about an inch away, and asked again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
She replied, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"
February 10, 2012
Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.
The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.
"Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
February 9, 2012
There was a little mouse in his little hole in the wall.
The one day that he really wanted to take a walk, a huge cat was right at his step. The little mouse was so upset that he couldn't leave.
While he was trying to figure it out, he heard a dog barking. That's when he got a great thought. He said to himself, "Where there is a dog there is no cat, and where there's no cat, I can go for my walk."
So he strutted on out of his hole.
All of a sudden the cat grabbed the mouse, chewed him up, and ate him, then said, "Wow, it's great to be bilingual!"
February 8, 2012
A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.
"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.
He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.
"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."
The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.
"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.
"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"
"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."
February 7, 2012
When Suzanne arrived home from work she was shocked to find her house ransacked and burgled. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash Suzanne ran out onto the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, "I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a blind policeman!"
February 6, 2012
A game warden noticed how a particular fellow named Sam consistently caught more fish than anyone else. Whereas the other guys would only catch three or four fish a day, Sam would come in from the lake with a boat full of fish. Stringer after stringer was packed with freshly caught trout. The warden, curious, asked Sam his secret. The successful fisherman invited the game warden to accompany him and observe.
So the next morning, the two met at the dock and took off in Sam's boat. When they got to the middle of the lake, Sam stopped the boat, and the warden sat back to see how it was done.
Sam's approach was simple: He took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it into the air. The explosion rocked the lake with such a force that dead fish immediately began to surface. Sam took out a net and started scooping them up.
Well, you can imagine the reaction of the game warden. When he recovered from the shock of it all, he began yelling at Sam, "You can't do this! I'll put you in jail, buddy! You will be paying every fine there is in the book!"
Sam, meanwhile, set his net down and took out another stick of dynamite. He lit it and tossed it in the lap of the game warden and said: "Are you going to sit there all day complaining, or are you going to fish?"
February 5, 2012
When Laura was three months pregnant she fell into a deep coma. Six months later, she awoke and asked the nearest doctor about the fate of her baby.
"You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine," the doctor told her. "Luckily, your brother named them for you."
"Oh no, not by brother! He's an idiot! What did he call the girl?"
"Denise," the doctor replied.
Thinking that isn't so bad, she asked, "And what did he call the boy?"
The doctor answered, "Denephew."
February 4, 2012
A man was in his usual place in the morning, sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast.
He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player. The player was known primarily for his lack of IQ, common sense, and good looks.
He turned to his wife: "You know, I'll never understand why the biggest, ugliest jerks always get the most attractive wives."
His wife replied, "Why thank you, dear!"
February 3, 2012
A lawyer, an engineer and a
mathematician were called in for a test.
February 2, 2012
It was a really hot day at the office. There were about 20 people in close quarters and everyone was sweating, even with a fan on. All of a sudden, people started to wrinkle their noses at an odor passing through the air. It was the most hideous smell anyone had ever smelt.
One man said, "Uh oh, someone's deodorant isn't working."
A man in the corner replied, "It can't be me. I'm not wearing any."
February 1, 2012
FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.
The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.
Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.
Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.
Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.
Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?
Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.
Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.
Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?
Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.
Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?
Agent: I have my checkbook right here.
Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. Everyone here is a FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.
Pizza Man: I don't think so.