February 1998

Ending The Cold War	The Old Man and the Umbrella	Last Words
The Chior Boy	The Breakfast Order	Hospitalized General
Parish Priest	The Artist	On Thin Ice
Plane Ride	Great Inventors	Bobby And Carrie
Pronunciation	New York Drivers	The Painter
The Hairdresser	Hard of Hearing	The Genie
A Better Seat	Drinking	The Shop Steward
Hairspray vs. Nature	The Great Rooster Race	A Special Gift
Donation to the Needy	To Each His Own	Those Dirty Words
The Last Six Months	Tell Me Your Plans	BARBIE

The middle aged man was visibly shaken when his Doctor advised that he had only 6 month's to live because of the terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical check-up. The Doctor suggested that he should get his "house in order" , make sure his Will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral. He should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the fullest.
"What will you do for the last six months?" asked the Doctor.
His patient thought for a few minutes then replied, "I think I'll go and live with my Mother-in-law".
Surprised by the answer, the Doctor asked, "Of all people, why in the would you want to live with your Mother-in-law?"
"Because it'll be the longest six months of my Life!"

Ralph was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present.
He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store and says to the shop
assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"
In a condescending manner, she says "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00".
Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"
"That's obvious" the sales lady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat and Ken's furniture.

A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink.
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.
"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.
"A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"
The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."

A young couple got married & went on a cruise for their honeymoon. When they got back from the honeymoon, the bride immediately called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away. "Well, darling," said her mom, "how was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mother," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic, we had a terrific time! But, mother, as soon as we returned, Sam began using really horrible language... Stuff I'd never heard before... Really terrible 4-letter words... You've got to come get me and take me home... PLEASE MOTHER!"
And the new bride began to sob over the telephone.
But honey," the mother countered, "WHAT 4-letter words?"
"I can't tell you, mother," said the daughter, "they're too awful! COME GET ME, P L E A S E !!!"
"Darling daughter, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell mother the 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Mother....words like: DUST... WASH... IRON... COOK

The Baptist preacher just finished his sermon for the day and proceeded toward the back of the church for his usual greetings and handshaking as the congregation left the church. After shaking a few adult hands he came upon the seven year old son of one of the Deacons of the church. "Good morning, Jonathan," the preacher said as he reached out to shake Joanthan's hand.
As he was doing do he felt something in the palm of Jonathan's hand.
"What's this?" the preacher asked.
"Money," said Jonathan with a big smile on his face, "It's for you!"
"I don't want to take your money, Jonathan," the preacher answered.
"I want you to have it," said Jonathan. After a short pause Jonathan continued, "My daddy says you're the poorest preacher we ever had and I want to help you."

Walter, who is quite elderly is resting peacefully on the front porch of a nursing home in the country, when he sees a cloud of dust up the road. He watches a farmer approaching in his wagon.
"Good afternoon!" hollers out Walter.
"Afternoon," says the farmer.
"Where you headed?" asks Walter.
"Town."
"What do you have in the wagon?" Walter continued.
"Manure."
"Manure, eh? What do you do with it?"
"I spread it over my strawberries," the farmer says matter-of-factly.
"Well," says Walter, "you should come over here for lunch someday. I make a terrific strawberry desert. But we use whipped cream."

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.
He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."
The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.
The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."
The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."

The weather was very hot, so this man wanted desperately take a dive in the nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water. After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction.
He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket, which lay on the sandy beach. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief.
The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said, "You know, I have a special gift, I can read minds."
"Impossible," said the embarrassed man, "You really know what I'm thinking?"
"Yes," the lady replied, "I know that you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom in it."

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years. And the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything.
So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barn yard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried. 'So, they're trying to replace me', thinks the old rooster. 'I've got to do something about this.'
He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself."
Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," said the young rooster. "And since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy," said the young rooster.
So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering around to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped alittle but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young rooster.
By now the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barn yard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.
As he walks away slowly, he says to himself ........"Darn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."

A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out he local brothels.
When he got to the first one, he asked the madam , "Is this a union house?"
"No, I'm sorry it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20."
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the madam said, "Why yes, this is a union house."
"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!" the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night."
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the madam, gesturing to a fat fifty-year-old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."

A guy named Matthew receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Matthew arrives at the stadium, he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium - he's closer to the Goodyear blimp than the field.
About halfway through the first quarter, Matthew notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?"
The man says, "No."
Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Matthew again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?"
The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl that we haven't been together since we got married in l967."
"Well, that's really sad," says Matthew, "But still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat, like a relative or close friend?"
"No", the man replies, "They're all at the funeral."

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, ya've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" he asks as he puts on an innocent look.
"The pub called, ya left yer wheelchair there again."

Four guys are telling stories in a bar. One guy leaves for a bathroom break. Three guys are left.....
First guy says, "I was worried that my son was gonna be a loser because he started out washing cars for a local dealership. Turns out that he got a break, they made him a salesman, and he sold so many cars that he bought the dealership. In fact, he's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new Mercedes for his birthday."
Second guy says, "I was worried about my son too because he started out raking leaves for a Realtor. Turns out HE got a break, they made him a commissioned salesman, and he eventually bought the real estate firm. In fact, He's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new house for his birthday."
Third guy says, "Yeah, I hear you. MY son started out sweeping floors in a brokerage firm. Well, HE got a break, they made HIM a broker, and now he owns the brokerage firm. In fact, he's so rich that he just gave HIS best friend $1 million in stock for his birthday."
Fourth guy comes back from the can. The first 3 explain that they are telling stories about their kids so he says, "Well, I'm embarrassed to admit that my son is a MAJOR disappointment. He started out as a hairdresser and is STILL a hairdresser after 15 years. In fact I just found out that he's gay and has SEVERAL boyfriends. But, I try to look at the bright side: his boyfriends just bought him a new Mercedes, a new house and $1 million in stock for his birthday."

Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one.
"I sure do," he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch bic lighter.
"Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster."
"I got it from my genie."
"You have a genie," he asked?
"Yes, he's right here in my golf bag."
"Could I see him?"
He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie. The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"
"Yes I will," the genie said.
So he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly, the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard.
The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks not ducks!"
He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch bic?"

An older couple were on vacation in Nashville, going out to dinner one night, and the wife was driving. The husband heard a police siren, looked out the back window & confirmed that the policeman was after them.
Knowing that his wife was very hard of hearing, he yelled to her, " PULL OVER FOR THE POLICEMAN!"
The wife did so, and the cop came up to the car. She rolled her window down, and the cop said, "Ma'am, you were going 60 m.p.h. in a 45 m.p.h. zone."
The woman looked at her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The husband yelled back at her, "HE SAID YOU WERE SPEEDING."
Then the policeman said, "I'm going to need to see your license."
The wife looked at her husband again and asked, "What did he say?"
The husband yelled back at her, "HE SAID HE NEEDS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE!"
She handed her license to the policeman. He took one look at it and muttered under his breath, "Hmmm, Florida license ... the worst sex of my life happened in Florida", as he started to write up the ticket.
The woman looked at her husband again and asked, "What did he say?"
The husband yelled back, "HE SAYS HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU!"

A man and his wife were driving their Recreational Vehicle cross country and were nearing a town spelled Kissimee.
They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it - KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME. They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town.
Since they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress: "My wife and I can't seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand."
The waitress looked at him and said: "Buuurrrgerrrr Kiiiinnnng."

There was a world famous painter who, in the prime of her career, started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world. After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored.
The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor's office.
During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, 'What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?'
To this, the eye doctor responded, "I said to myself 'Thank the Lord, I'm not a gynecologist.'"

A Ft Lauderdale Florida motorcycle cop was on patrol one bright sunny December afternoon when he came upon a line of cars stopped at a light with horns blasting. He stopped behind the last car in line. The light directing that lane of traffic was green so he pulled out of line and stopped alongside of the first car in line to see what the problem was. The car was a big brown Caddilac with New York plates driven by an elderly woman.
He motioned her to roll down her window, which she promptly did. He then asked her why she was stopped when the light was green.
She said, "Oh, because I'm on my way to my sister's house which is that way." and she pointed to the right.
The motorcycle cop said, "Well go ahead! The light is green."
The elderly woman responded with, "Yes I know, but the sign under the light says RIGHT TURN ON RED!"

Upon his death Henry Ford went to heaven. He was given a warm welcome at the pearly gates. After completing the formalities, St. Peter asked Ford how he would like to spend his time. Ford, the great inventor, asked to see some of the inventors who lived on earth before him. So, St. Peter printed out a list of all the inventors currently residing in heaven. As Ford started to go through the list, he came across the name "Adam". He asked if it was the same guy who discovered the woman Eve. St. Peter confirmed that Adam had been credited with the invention of woman. Ford immediately requested an audience with Adam.
When the scheduled meeting took place, Ford began chastising Adam for flaws in his design. "Your invention has several engineering flaws. There is usually not enough front end protrusion, the rear end is frequently too heavy and wobbles a lot. It chatters too much and the intake is too close to the exhaust."
Adam did not care for this criticism, so he asked Henry Ford to accompany him. They walked down a great hall and stopped in front of a huge door. The sign on the door said "Celestial Computer". They entered the room and Adam sat at a terminal. After a few quick keystrokes, the answer to his question appeared on the screen.
"Look here, Mr. Ford.", said Adam. "Despite all the flaws you pointed out, the data clearly shows there are more men riding my product than yours!"

The pilot of an aerobatic biplane landed in the recently mown field of a Scottish farmer to make a few adjustments to his engine. While he was tinkering with his machine, he noticed the Scotsman and his wife watching with a great deal of curiosity. The Scotsman asked the pilot how much he would charge to give both he and his wife a ride.
"Well", said the pilot, "Normally I charge $50 dollars each, but if you are both completely quiet throughout the flight, the ride will be free of charge. If I hear the least amount of noise, you will owe the full fare."
The couple quickly climbed aboard, and the pilot taxied and took off. Immediately, he proceeded to put his plane through all of its paces: barrel rolls, stalls, spins, split S maneuvers, you name it and he did it. The couple in back were completely silent throughout the thirty minute flight.
Upon landing, the pilot said, "I really have to hand it to you for keeping quiet through all that!"
"Aye", said the Scotsman, "but I'll admit, ye almost heard me when the wife fell out."

'tis the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.
"That's cool," says Bobby.
Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do.
Bobby replies, politely, that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw, I hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby. So, he asks Carrie's father to repeat it.
"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"
Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good.
A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt, and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, "DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!"

Father Murphy was a priest in a very poor parish. He asked for suggestions as how to raise money for his church. He was told that horse owners have money. So, he went to a horse auction, but made a very poor buy as the horse turned out to be a donkey.
He thought he might as well enter the donkey in a race, however, the Donkey came in third and the next morning the headlines in the paper read, "Father Murphy's ass showed."
The archbishop was up in arms and figured something had to be done. Father Murphy had entered the donley for the third race. It came in second, and now the headlines read, "Father Murphy's ass back in place".
The archbishop thought this was to much, and forbade the priest to enter the donkey for the next day, which inspired the editor to write, "Father Murphy's ass scratched by archbishop".
The archbishop heard this and ordered Father Murphy to get rid of the donkey. He was unable to sell it so he gave it to sister Agatha for a pet.
The new headlines read, "Nun owns best ass in town".
The archbishop heard this and ordered Sister Agatha to dispose of the animal at once. She sold it for ten dollars.
The next day the headlines read, "Sister Agatha peddles her ass for ten dollars".
They buried the archbishop.

John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing and he asked John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might, John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning, he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.
Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.
"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once" John explained.
"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough," Bob shouted angrily.
"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough."

An artist had been working on a nude portrait for a long time. Every day, he was up early and worked late - bringing perfection with every stroke of his paint brush. As each day passed, he gained a better understanding of the female body and was able to really make his paintings shine.
After a month, the artist had become very weary from this non-stop effort and decided to take it easy for the day. Since, Karen, his model, had already shown up, he suggested they merely have a glass of wine and talk - since normally he preferred to do his painting in silence.
They talked for a few hours, getting to know each other better. Then as they were sipping their wine, the artist heard a car arriving outside. He jumped up and said, "OH NO It's my wife! Quick, take off your clothes!"

A resident in a seaside hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning and said, "I want two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked it's runny, and the other so over cooked it's tough and hard to eat. Also grilled bacon that has been left on the plate to get cold; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that it's impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, luke-warm."
"That's a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter.
"It might be quite difficult." The guest replied, "Oh, but that's what you gave me yesterday!"

The Choir director instructed the acolyte, "When the choir sings, 'and the angels lit the candles' you come down the aisle and light the candles. Have you got that?" The little boy said yes.
On Sunday morning the choir sang out "and the angels lit the candles," but the little boy did not appear. The choir director thought perhaps he hadn't heard so, he cued the choir to sing the line again, a little louder: "AND THE ANGELS LIT THE CANDLES." Still no acolyte appeared. The choir director decided he would make the choir sing the line very loud and if the boy did not appear, he would light the candles himself. So, the choir sang out "AND THE ANGELS LIT THE CANDLES."
From the back of the church the voice of the little boy rang out, "AND THE CAT PEED ON THE MATCHES!"

The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady. For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately. He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the nighttime activities interfered with his rest... and on, and on.
One afternoon, an orderly entered the room. "Time to take your temperature, General."
After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer.
"Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end."
A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for.
The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed. The orderly then told the general, "Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you" and withdrew.
An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped, "What's going on here?"
"Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" the general barked.
"Yes I have, General, but with a daffodil?"

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle."
"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.

Father O'Grady was saying his goodbyes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.
"What's bothering you so, dear?" inquired Farther O'Grady.
"Oh, father, I've got terrible news," replied Mary.
"Well what is it, Mary?"
"Well, my husband, passed away last night, Father."
"Oh, Mary" said the father, "that's terrible. Tell me Mary, did he
have any last requests?"
"Well, yes he did father," replied Mary.
"What did he ask, Mary?"
Mary replied, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun...'"

The Americans and Russians, at the height of the arms race, realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.
One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.
The Russians found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were three inches thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine-foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.
When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund reached out and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans, shaking their heads in disbelief. `We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing," an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."