Saturday, February 28, 1998
The Last Six
The middle aged man was visibly shaken
when his Doctor advised that he had only 6 month's to live because of the
terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical check-up. The Doctor
suggested that he should get his "house in order" , make sure his Will was
current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral. He
should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the
"What will you do for the last six months?" asked the Doctor.
patient thought for a few minutes then replied, "I think I'll go and live with
Surprised by the answer, the Doctor asked, "Of all people,
why in the would you want to live with your Mother-in-law?"
"Because it'll be
the longest six months of my Life!"
Ralph was driving home one evening when
he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't
bought her a present.
He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store and says
to the shop
assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"
condescending manner, she says "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie
Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes
Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes
Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00".
Ralph asks, "Why
is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"
obvious" the sales lady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's
car, Ken's boat and Ken's furniture.
Friday, February 27, 1998
Tell Me Your Plans
A young woman brings home her fiance to
meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about
the young man. The father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink.
what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.
"I am a Torah scholar,"
"A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what
will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she
deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man
replies, "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How
will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father
questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.
mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"
The father answers, "He has no job and
no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."
Thursday, February 26, 1998
Those Dirty Words
A young couple got married & went
on a cruise for their honeymoon. When they got back from the honeymoon, the
bride immediately called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away. "Well,
darling," said her mom, "how was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mother," she replied,
"the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic, we had a terrific time! But, mother,
as soon as we returned, Sam began using really horrible language... Stuff I'd
never heard before... Really terrible 4-letter words... You've got to come get
me and take me home... PLEASE MOTHER!"
And the new bride began to sob over
But honey," the mother countered, "WHAT 4-letter words?"
can't tell you, mother," said the daughter, "they're too awful! COME GET ME, P L
E A S E !!!"
"Darling daughter, you must tell me what has you so upset...
Tell mother the 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said,
"Mother....words like: DUST... WASH... IRON... COOK
Wednesday, February 25, 1998
Donation to the
The Baptist preacher just finished his
sermon for the day and proceeded toward the back of the church for his usual
greetings and handshaking as the congregation left the church. After shaking a
few adult hands he came upon the seven year old son of one of the Deacons of the
church. "Good morning, Jonathan," the preacher said as he reached out to shake
As he was doing do he felt something in the palm of
"What's this?" the preacher asked.
"Money," said Jonathan
with a big smile on his face, "It's for you!"
"I don't want to take your
money, Jonathan," the preacher answered.
"I want you to have it," said
Jonathan. After a short pause Jonathan continued, "My daddy says you're the
poorest preacher we ever had and I want to help you."
Tuesday, February 24, 1998
To Each His
Walter, who is quite elderly is resting
peacefully on the front porch of a nursing home in the country, when he sees a
cloud of dust up the road. He watches a farmer approaching in his
"Good afternoon!" hollers out Walter.
"Afternoon," says the
"Where you headed?" asks Walter.
"What do you have in
the wagon?" Walter continued.
"Manure, eh? What do you do with
"I spread it over my strawberries," the farmer says
"Well," says Walter, "you should come over here for lunch
someday. I make a terrific strawberry desert. But we use whipped
Monday, February 23, 1998
A little boy and his grandfather are
raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back
into its hole.
He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that
The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's
too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs
into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm
until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the
hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes
back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.
The little boy says,
"Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."
The grandfather replies, "I
know. That's from your grandma."
Sunday, February 22, 1998
The weather was very hot, so this man
wanted desperately take a dive in the nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming
outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water.
After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto
the shore in his direction.
He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a
bucket, which lay on the sandy beach. He held the bucket in front of his private
parts and sighed with relief.
The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He
felt awkward and wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said, "You know, I have
a special gift, I can read minds."
"Impossible," said the embarrassed man,
"You really know what I'm thinking?"
"Yes," the lady replied, "I know that
you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom in it."
Saturday, February 21, 1998
The Great Rooster Race
An old farmer decided it was time to
get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job,
but he was getting on in years. And the farmer figured getting a new rooster
couldn't hurt anything.
So he buys a young cock from the local rooster
emporium, and turns him loose in the barn yard. Well, the old rooster sees the
young one strutting around and he gets a little worried. 'So, they're trying to
replace me', thinks the old rooster. 'I've got to do something about
He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you're the new stud in town?
I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well I'm not ready for the
chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I
challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it
ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for
Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought
he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," said the young rooster.
"And since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap.
I'll still win easy," said the young rooster.
So the two roosters go over to
the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering around to watch. The
race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first
lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the
old guy's lead has slipped alittle but he's still hanging in there.
Unfortunately the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by
the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young rooster.
By now the
farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun,
and runs out to the barn yard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens.
When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with
the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun,
aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.
As he walks away slowly, he
says to himself ........"Darn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this
Friday, February 20, 1998
A dedicated shop steward was at a
convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out he local brothels.
got to the first one, he asked the madam , "Is this a union house?"
sorry it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20."
Mightily offended at
such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more
equitable shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where
the madam said, "Why yes, this is a union house."
"And if I pay you $100,
what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80 and the house gets
"That's more like it!" the man said. He looked around the room and
pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the madam, gesturing to a fat
fifty-year-old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."
Thursday, February 19, 1998
A guy named Matthew receives a free
ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Matthew arrives
at the stadium, he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the
stadium - he's closer to the Goodyear blimp than the field.
through the first quarter, Matthew notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field,
right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through
the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down,
he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting
The man says, "No."
Now, very excited to be in such a great seat
for the game, Matthew again inquires of the man next to him, "This is
incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super
Bowl and not use it?"
The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to
me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first
Super Bowl that we haven't been together since we got married in
"Well, that's really sad," says Matthew, "But still, couldn't you find
someone to take the seat, like a relative or close friend?"
"No", the man
replies, "They're all at the funeral."
Wednesday, February 18, 1998
An Irishman's been drinking at a pub
all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman
stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time,
same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe
that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So
he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he
stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his
bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time
he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is
sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning
to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, ya've been out drinking
"What makes you say that?" he asks as he puts on an innocent
"The pub called, ya left yer wheelchair there again."
Tuesday, February 17, 1998
Four guys are telling stories in a bar. One guy
leaves for a bathroom break. Three guys are left.....
First guy says, "I was
worried that my son was gonna be a loser because he started out washing cars for
a local dealership. Turns out that he got a break, they made him a salesman, and
he sold so many cars that he bought the dealership. In fact, he's so successful
that he just gave his best friend a new Mercedes for his birthday."
guy says, "I was worried about my son too because he started out raking leaves
for a Realtor. Turns out HE got a break, they made him a commissioned salesman,
and he eventually bought the real estate firm. In fact, He's so successful that
he just gave his best friend a new house for his birthday."
Third guy says,
"Yeah, I hear you. MY son started out sweeping floors in a brokerage firm. Well,
HE got a break, they made HIM a broker, and now he owns the brokerage firm. In
fact, he's so rich that he just gave HIS best friend $1 million in stock for his
Fourth guy comes back from the can. The first 3 explain that they
are telling stories about their kids so he says, "Well, I'm embarrassed to admit
that my son is a MAJOR disappointment. He started out as a hairdresser and is
STILL a hairdresser after 15 years. In fact I just found out that he's gay and
has SEVERAL boyfriends. But, I try to look at the bright side: his boyfriends
just bought him a new Mercedes, a new house and $1 million in stock for his
Monday, February 16, 1998
Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out
a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one.
sure do," he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch bic
"Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster."
it from my genie."
"You have a genie," he asked?
"Yes, he's right here in
my golf bag."
"Could I see him?"
He opens his golf bag and out pops the
genie. The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one
"Yes I will," the genie said.
So he asks him for a million bucks
and the genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there waiting
for his million bucks. Suddenly, the sky begins to darken and the sound of a
million ducks flying overhead is heard.
The friend tells his golfing partner,
"I asked for a million bucks not ducks!"
He answers, "I forgot to tell you
the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch
Sunday, February 15, 1998
An older couple were on vacation in Nashville,
going out to dinner one night, and the wife was driving. The husband heard a
police siren, looked out the back window & confirmed that the policeman was
Knowing that his wife was very hard of hearing, he yelled to her,
" PULL OVER FOR THE POLICEMAN!"
The wife did so, and the cop came up to the
car. She rolled her window down, and the cop said, "Ma'am, you were going 60
m.p.h. in a 45 m.p.h. zone."
The woman looked at her husband and asked,
"What did he say?"
The husband yelled back at her, "HE SAID YOU WERE
Then the policeman said, "I'm going to need to see your
The wife looked at her husband again and asked, "What did he
The husband yelled back at her, "HE SAID HE NEEDS TO SEE YOUR
She handed her license to the policeman. He took one look at it and
muttered under his breath, "Hmmm, Florida license ... the worst sex of my life
happened in Florida", as he started to write up the ticket.
The woman looked
at her husband again and asked, "What did he say?"
The husband yelled back,
"HE SAYS HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU!"
Saturday, February 14, 1998
A man and his wife were driving their Recreational
Vehicle cross country and were nearing a town spelled Kissimee.
the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it - KISS-a-me;
kis-A-me; kis-a-ME. They grew more perplexed as they drove into the
Since they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to
eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress: "My wife and I can't seem to
be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are
and say it very slowly so that I can understand."
The waitress looked at him
and said: "Buuurrrgerrrr Kiiiinnnng."
Friday, February 13, 1998
There was a world famous painter who, in the prime
of her career, started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life
as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world. After several
weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored.
painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the
doctor's office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall.
When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest
work of art: the doctor's office.
During the press conference, one reporter
noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, 'What was your first reaction
upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the
To this, the eye doctor responded, "I said to myself 'Thank the Lord,
I'm not a gynecologist.'"
Thursday, February 12, 1998
New York Drivers
A Ft Lauderdale Florida motorcycle cop was on
patrol one bright sunny December afternoon when he came upon a line of cars
stopped at a light with horns blasting. He stopped behind the last car in line.
The light directing that lane of traffic was green so he pulled out of line and
stopped alongside of the first car in line to see what the problem was. The car
was a big brown Caddilac with New York plates driven by an elderly woman.
motioned her to roll down her window, which she promptly did. He then asked her
why she was stopped when the light was green.
She said, "Oh, because I'm on
my way to my sister's house which is that way." and she pointed to the right.
The motorcycle cop said, "Well go ahead! The light is green."
elderly woman responded with, "Yes I know, but the sign under the light says
RIGHT TURN ON RED!"
Wednesday, February 11, 1998
Upon his death Henry Ford went to heaven. He was
given a warm welcome at the pearly gates. After completing the formalities, St.
Peter asked Ford how he would like to spend his time. Ford, the great inventor,
asked to see some of the inventors who lived on earth before him. So, St. Peter
printed out a list of all the inventors currently residing in heaven. As Ford
started to go through the list, he came across the name "Adam". He asked if it
was the same guy who discovered the woman Eve. St. Peter confirmed that Adam had
been credited with the invention of woman. Ford immediately requested an
audience with Adam.
When the scheduled meeting took place, Ford began
chastising Adam for flaws in his design. "Your invention has several engineering
flaws. There is usually not enough front end protrusion, the rear end is
frequently too heavy and wobbles a lot. It chatters too much and the intake is
too close to the exhaust."
Adam did not care for this criticism, so he asked
Henry Ford to accompany him. They walked down a great hall and stopped in front
of a huge door. The sign on the door said "Celestial Computer". They entered the
room and Adam sat at a terminal. After a few quick keystrokes, the answer to his
question appeared on the screen.
"Look here, Mr. Ford.", said Adam. "Despite
all the flaws you pointed out, the data clearly shows there are more men riding
my product than yours!"
Tuesday, February 10, 1998
The pilot of an aerobatic biplane landed in the
recently mown field of a Scottish farmer to make a few adjustments to his
engine. While he was tinkering with his machine, he noticed the Scotsman and his
wife watching with a great deal of curiosity. The Scotsman asked the pilot how
much he would charge to give both he and his wife a ride.
"Well", said the
pilot, "Normally I charge $50 dollars each, but if you are both completely quiet
throughout the flight, the ride will be free of charge. If I hear the least
amount of noise, you will owe the full fare."
The couple quickly climbed
aboard, and the pilot taxied and took off. Immediately, he proceeded to put his
plane through all of its paces: barrel rolls, stalls, spins, split S maneuvers,
you name it and he did it. The couple in back were completely silent throughout
the thirty minute flight.
Upon landing, the pilot said, "I really have to
hand it to you for keeping quiet through all that!"
"Aye", said the
Scotsman, "but I'll admit, ye almost heard me when the wife fell
Monday, February 9, 1998
'tis the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up
his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front
door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so
why don't you have a seat?" he says.
"That's cool," says Bobby.
father asks Bobby what they're planning to do.
Bobby replies, politely, that
they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw, I hear all the kids are doing
Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby. So, he asks Carrie's
father to repeat it.
"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to
screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"
Well, this just made Bobby's
eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty
A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle
skirt, and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with
anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
20 minutes later,
Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her
father, "DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!"
Sunday, February 8, 1998
Father Murphy was a priest in a very poor parish.
He asked for suggestions as how to raise money for his church. He was told that
horse owners have money. So, he went to a horse auction, but made a very poor
buy as the horse turned out to be a donkey.
He thought he might as well enter
the donkey in a race, however, the Donkey came in third and the next morning the
headlines in the paper read, "Father Murphy's ass showed."
The archbishop was
up in arms and figured something had to be done. Father Murphy had entered the
donley for the third race. It came in second, and now the headlines read,
"Father Murphy's ass back in place".
The archbishop thought this was to much,
and forbade the priest to enter the donkey for the next day, which inspired the
editor to write, "Father Murphy's ass scratched by archbishop".
archbishop heard this and ordered Father Murphy to get rid of the donkey. He was
unable to sell it so he gave it to sister Agatha for a pet.
The new headlines
read, "Nun owns best ass in town".
The archbishop heard this and ordered
Sister Agatha to dispose of the animal at once. She sold it for ten
The next day the headlines read, "Sister Agatha peddles her ass for
They buried the archbishop.
Saturday, February 7, 1998
On Thin Ice
John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was
not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob,
the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed
would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing and he asked John for
their best cough syrup. Try as he might, John could not find the cough syrup.
Remembering Bob's warning, he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take
it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned
against a lamp post.
Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John
what had transpired.
"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find
the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once" John
"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough," Bob shouted angrily.
will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Look at him.
He's afraid to cough."
Friday, February 6, 1998
An artist had been working on a nude portrait for
a long time. Every day, he was up early and worked late - bringing perfection
with every stroke of his paint brush. As each day passed, he gained a better
understanding of the female body and was able to really make his paintings
After a month, the artist had become very weary from this non-stop
effort and decided to take it easy for the day. Since, Karen, his model, had
already shown up, he suggested they merely have a glass of wine and talk - since
normally he preferred to do his painting in silence.
They talked for a few
hours, getting to know each other better. Then as they were sipping their wine,
the artist heard a car arriving outside. He jumped up and said, "OH NO It's my
wife! Quick, take off your clothes!"
A resident in a seaside hotel breakfast
room called over the head waiter one morning and said, "I want two boiled eggs,
one of them so undercooked it's runny, and the other so over cooked it's tough
and hard to eat. Also grilled bacon that has been left on the plate to get cold;
burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter
straight from the deep freeze so that it's impossible to spread; and a pot of
very weak coffee, luke-warm."
"That's a complicated order sir," said the
"It might be quite difficult." The guest replied, "Oh,
but that's what you gave me yesterday!"
Thursday, February 5, 1998
The Chior Boy
The Choir director instructed the acolyte, "When
the choir sings, 'and the angels lit the candles' you come down the aisle and
light the candles. Have you got that?" The little boy said yes.
morning the choir sang out "and the angels lit the candles," but the little boy
did not appear. The choir director thought perhaps he hadn't heard so, he cued
the choir to sing the line again, a little louder: "AND THE ANGELS LIT THE
CANDLES." Still no acolyte appeared. The choir director decided he would make
the choir sing the line very loud and if the boy did not appear, he would light
the candles himself. So, the choir sang out "AND THE ANGELS LIT THE CANDLES."
From the back of the church the voice of the little boy rang out, "AND THE
CAT PEED ON THE MATCHES!"
Wednesday, February 4, 1998
The general was confined to the military hospital
for treatment of a minor malady. For almost a week he made a complete nuisance
of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention
and expecting his every order to be followed immediately. He was in a six-man
ward rather than a private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit
his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the nighttime
activities interfered with his rest... and on, and on.
One afternoon, an
orderly entered the room. "Time to take your temperature, General."
growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer.
"Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other
A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was
insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for.
general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed.
The orderly then told the general, "Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll
be back in five minutes to check up on you" and withdrew.
An hour later, the
head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and
gasped, "What's going on here?"
"Haven't you ever seen someone having their
temperature taken?" the general barked.
"Yes I have, General, but with a
Tuesday, February 3, 1998
The Old Man and the
An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup
and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he
boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my
child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a
moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid
hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry
and accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued,
"So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He
raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle."
do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have
shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the
Monday, February 2, 1998
Father O'Grady was saying his goodbyes to the
parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does when Mary
Clancey came up to him in tears.
"What's bothering you so, dear?" inquired
"Oh, father, I've got terrible news," replied
"Well what is it, Mary?"
"Well, my husband, passed away last night,
"Oh, Mary" said the father, "that's terrible. Tell me Mary, did he
have any last requests?"
"Well, yes he did father," replied
"What did he ask, Mary?"
Mary replied, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put
down the gun...'"
Sunday, February 1, 1998
Ending The Cold War
The Americans and Russians, at the height of the
arms race, realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going
to blow up the whole world.
One day they sat down and decided to settle the
whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best
fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to
dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.
Russians found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world
and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the
biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him
all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with
the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that
were three inches thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for
the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine-foot
long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there
was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian
When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself
around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely
surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund's neck, the
Dachshund reached out and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was
nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the
Americans, shaking their heads in disbelief. `We don't understand how this could
have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest
Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian
"That's nothing," an American replied. "We had our best plastic
surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a