Sunday, February 28,
A man, dressed in a suit, comes
up to the front porch of the house juggling a clipboard, some papers and a
briefcase. He knocks on the door and it's answered by a middle-aged man, who
says, "Morning stranger, what can I do for you?"
"Well, sir, I represent
Schneller, Barnum and Holtz. We're paid by private companies to canvas thousands
of consumers, like yourself, for feedback on their products. Today we're
soliciting comments on petroleum jelly.
Would you have time to answer just a
couple of questions?"
"I don't see how a couple of questions could hurt,
fire away young man," says the homeowner. Looking down at his clipboard, the
survey-taker asks, "Okay, first, you do use Vaseline, correct?"
"Yes sir, for
as long as I can remember."
"Great, now what exactly do you use it for?"
replies the survey-taker, with his pen poised over his clipboard, ready to
record the answer.
"Let's see... we use it for dry skin, chapped lips and
sex." The well dressed man stops writing abruptly. He looks around, leans
forward and in a low voice says, "We pride ourselves in being very thorough sir.
I know how you'd use Vaseline for dry skin and chapped lips, but would you mind
telling me how you use it for sex?"
"No problem," the homeowner says in a
whisper. "We put it on our bedroom doorknob. It keeps the kids out..."
Saturday, February 27,
A man and a woman walk into a
very posh Rodeo Drive furrier. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow
exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an
absolutely gorgeous full-length coat.
As the lady tries it on, the furrier
discreetly whispers to the man, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for
"No problem! I'll write you a check!"
"Very good, sir,"
says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday
to pick it up, after the check has cleared."
So the man and the woman
leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged:
"How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn't a single penny in your
"I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you
for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"
Friday, February 26,
Guido and Tony had applied for
jobs at a large company and had to take an intelligence test. Though both of
them found the test a breeze, except that they admitted to being momentarily
stumped by the final question:
"Name a 14 letter word for someone in charge
of a plant."
"How did you answer that last one?" asked Tony. "I thought it
was tough at first ..... then I thought of Superintendent."
"I think I got it
right too," Guido said. "But I wrote down
Thursday, February 25,
Seems an elderly gentleman had
serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the
doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the
gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor
and the doctor said, "your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really
pleased that you can hear again."
To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't
told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've
changed my will three times!"
Wednesday, February 24,
I taught my daughter how to
count the same way my parents taught me how to count. I bellow out in a low,
thundering voice, "ONE..., TWO..."
This is not the way to teach your kids to
count! My daughter's teacher called and said that she couldn't even say the
number four. She kept following three up with "get your butt over
A Swiss guy, looking for
directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are
"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says. The two
Englishmen just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" The two
continue to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?" No response.
Espanol?" Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.
The first Englishman turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should
learn a foreign language...."
"Why?" says the other, "That bloke knew four
languages, and it didn't do him any good."
Tuesday, February 23,
My Boss spent the entire
weekend retyping a 25 page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the
disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was
from a recent interview: "You are a top flight candidate and I see that you have
a lot of education. However, you understand, that intelligence is not really
required for this
Boss is a lot like a single sperm. There's a one in three million chance that he
will ever become
from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I
About Friday: My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday.
When I told my Boss he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the
busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday.
He said, "That would be better for
know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it
group of us got together to talk about the lack of merit increases this year
(even though management got theirs). We made up a bumper sticker and stuck it on
the Boss's new Lexus. It reads,
"How's my managing? Call
recently received a memo from senior management saying, "This is to inform you
that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned
Monday, February 22,
Baby Boomers - Then and Now
Then: Killer Weed
Then: Being caught with Hustler magazine
Now: Being caught
by Hustler magazine
Then: Hoping for a BMW
Now: Hoping for a
Then: The Grateful Dead
Now: Dr. Kevorkian
Moving to California because it's cool
Now: Moving to California because it's
Then: Being called into the principal's office
Now: Storming into
the principal's office
Then: Peace Sign
Then: Getting your head stoned
Now: Getting your
Then: "Going blind"
Now: REALLY going blind
Now: Longing for hair
Then: Acid rock
Then: Worrying about no one coming to your party
about no one coming to your funeral
Then: The perfect high
perfect high-yield mutual fund
Then: Elvis in the army
Now: Elvis in a
Then: Taking acid
Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your
Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your
Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
the driving test
Now: Passing the vision test
Then: Seeds and
Then: Popping pills, smoking joints
Then: "Off the
Now: "No bacon please, I'm watching my cholesterol"
TO: Y2K COORDINATOR
I hope I haven't misunderstood your instructions.
Because to be honest, none of this Y to K problem makes any sense to
At any rate, I have finished converting all the company calendars so
that the year 2000 is ready to go with the following new
The days will
Sunday, February 21,
A little girl and a little boy
were at day care one day. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy,
wanna play house?"
He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"
girl replies, "I want you to communicate your thoughts."
thoughts?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means."
little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the
Saturday, February 20,
A couple age 67, went to the
doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said,
"Doctor, Will you watch us have intercourse?" The Doctor looked puzzled but
agreed. When the couple finished, the Doctor said "There's nothing wrong with
the way you have intercourse." And he charged them $10.00. This happened for
several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse,
and then leave. Finally the Doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to
find out?" The old man said, "we're not trying to find out anything. She is
married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house.
Holiday Inn charges $22.00, the Hilton charges $27.00, we do it here for $10.00
and I get $8.00 back from medicare for every visit to the Doctor's
A bum approached a well dressed
"Say pal couldja spare ten bucks for coffee?"
"Ten dollars!" the man
exclaimed, "my dear fellow, not even in this city will you find an establishment
that charges so much for coffee."
"I know" said the bum, "but it's my
birthday and I wanted to knock off early."
Friday, February 19,
During a recent publicity
outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a
dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave
news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself
to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this
Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at
the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep
breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's
gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.
"Will I be
Thursday, February 18,
Corporate Motivational Poster
1) If you do a good job and
work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
2) It's only
unethical if you get caught.
3) The light at the end of the tunnel has
been turned off due to budget cuts.
4) Doing a job RIGHT the first time
gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job
5) Sure, You may not like working here, but we pay your
6) If you think we're a bad firm, you should see our
7) Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they
did it by killing all those who opposed them.
8) We put the "k" in
9) If something doesn't feel right, you're not feeling the
10) Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural
11) A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably
has a scapegoat.
12) If you can stay calm while all around you is
chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the
13) ABANDON ALL HOPE, ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE....
make great money! We have great benefits! We do no work! We are union
15) Two days without a Human Rights Violation!
job is still better than asking "You want fries with that?"
17) We are
Microsoft. Resistance is futile.
18) Plagiarism saves time.
at first you don't succeed - try management.
20) At least you're not
being rectally probed by aliens.
21) Never put off until tomorrow what
you can avoid altogether.
22) Never quit until you have another
23) TEAMWORK....means never having to take all the blame
Wednesday, February 17,
Little Harold was practicing
the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den.
The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little
Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.
listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up,
slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For Pete's sake,
can't you play something the dog doesn't know?!"
Five young men from the country
were new to big city travel, but they'd always heard how important it is to
stand up for themselves when dealing with cab drivers. They stopped a taxi
driver, asking him to take them to airport.
All along the way they kept
threatening the driver, saying, "We're smart, mister! Don't take the longest way
to airport or we'll know!" They continued to pester him, saying, "We will not
pay you anything if you cheat us, mister, so you'd better be straight with
When they finally arrived at the airport, the driver wanted to avoid
having a hassle with the passengers. Just to be sure he didn't have any trouble
collecting, he planned on reducing the fare by one-half of his normal trip rate.
He'd already had a long day, and didn't need the problem.
As the car
finally came to a stop after a twenty minute drive to the airport, the driver
said, "O.K. We've arrived at the airport, and..."
"What's your fare,
mister?!" the leader interrupted the driver rudely. "And remember we are smart
about you guys," he reminded the driver one more time.
"To show you guys
how great I am to visitors of our fine city, I am going to charge you only $10.
Normally, I'd charge at least $20.00 for your trip. Please pay that and we'll be
"O.K.," they replied.
One passenger to the other said, "We
sure showed him, didn't we?" as they paid the driver $10.00
Tuesday, February 16,
Warnings the FDA is Considering
Beer and Alcoholic Beverage Containers
WARNING: consumption of alcohol
may make you think you are whispering when you are
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing
like a jerk.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the
same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that
ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the
hell happened to your pants.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause
you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species
and or name you can't remember).
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the
leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people
are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an
influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of
time may seem to literally disappear."
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol
may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
Monday, February 15,
Ever Work for This Guy?
For thirty years, Johnson had
arrived at work at 9A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never
Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without
Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself,
looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.
precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched
and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched
in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two
flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself." And the boss said, "And
to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"
Microsoft announced today that
the official release date for the new operating system "Windows 2000" will be
delayed until the second quarter of 1901.
Sunday, February 14,
Guy: "Margie, I love
you! I love you, Margie!
Gal: "In the first place, you don't love me. In the
second place, my name isn't Margie!"
Love may not make
the world spin around,
but it sure makes a lot of people
Saturday, February 13,
television news, we find that our highways aren't safe, our streets aren't safe,
our parks aren't safe...
...but under our arms, we've got complete
The greatest aid
to adult education is children.
Friday, February 12,
A first grade
teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asks, "Johnnie!
What is your problem?!"
Johnnie says, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My
sister's in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in
the third grade!"
The teacher had had enough. As a result, she took Johnnie
to the principal's office and explained Johnnie's request.
waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the
principal. The principal told Johnnie's teacher that he would give the boy a
test and if Johnnie failed to answer any of the special questions he was to go
back to the first grade and behave.
The teacher agreed. Johnnie was brought
into the room. The principal told Johnnie his terms and Johnnie
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Principal: "What is 6
Principal: "What is 9 x 9?"
it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know.
Johnnie appeared to have a strong case. The principal looked at the teacher and
told her, "I think Johnnie can go on to the third grade."
knowing Little Johnnie's tendency toward sexual wisecracks, said to the
principal, "Let me ask him some questions before we make that decision?"
principal and Johnnie both agreed, Johnnie with a sly look on his face.
teacher began by asking, "What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I
do not have?"
The principal's eyes open wide! Before he could stop Johnnie 's
expected answer, Johnnie said, "Pockets."
The principal breathed a sigh of
relief and told the teacher, "I think we should put Johnnie in the fifth grade.
I missed the last two questions myself!"
Thursday, February 11,
Adam & Eve
When Adam stayed out
very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
"You're running around with
other women," she charged.
"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded.
"You're the only woman on
The quarrel continued until Adam fell
asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.
"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said
Wednesday, February 10,
A magician is
working on a small cruise ship. He's been doing his routines every night for
ayear or two now. The audiences appreciate him, and they change over often
enough that he doesn't have to worry about new tricks. However, there's
this parrot who sits in the back row and watches him night after night, year
after year. Finally, the parrot figures out how the tricks work and starts
giving it away for the audience. For example, when the magician makes a bouquet
of flowers disappear, the parrot squawks "Behind his back! Behind his back!"
Well, the magician got really annoyed at this, but he doesn't know what to
do. The parrot belongs to the Captain, so he can't just kill it.
One day, the
ship springs a leak and sinks. The magician manages to swim to a plank of wood
floating by and grabs on. The parrot is sitting on the other end of the plank.
The just stare at each other and drift. They drift for 3 days and still don't
speak. Then, on the morning of the fourth day, the parrot looks over at the
magician and says: "OK, I give up. Where did you hide the
Tuesday, February 9,
After just a few
years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife
decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been
at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw.
When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and
opened the floor for discussion.
"What seems to be the problem?" Immediately,
the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand,
the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their
After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the
counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her
passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife
sat there speechless.
He looked over at the husband who was staring in
disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife
NEEDS that at least twice a week!"
The husband scratched his head and
replied, "I can have her here every Tuesdays and
Monday, February 8,
Manhattan, a police officer appears on the scene of what appears to be a bad
accident. A pedistrian is lying in the crosswalk. The driver of the vehicle
under suspecion is upset and says, "I swear, I didn't touch him. I saw him at
the crosswalk, I came to a full stop, motioned for him to cross and he
The New Pastor
A new pastor moved
into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well
until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one
came to the door even after he had knocked several times.
Finally, he took
out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20 " and stuck it in the
The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the
collection plate. Below his message was notation "Genesis 3:10"
Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock.
If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will
dine with him, and he will with me."
Genesis 3:10 reads:"And he
said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was
Sunday, February 7,
A man sobering up
from the night before is sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and
boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off.
has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and is
disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of
He says to his congregation, "All those wishing to have a place in
heaven, please stand."
The whole room stands up except, of course, the
Then the preacher says even more loudly, "And he who would
like to find a place in hell please STAND UP!"
The weary man catching only
the last part groggily stands up, only to find that he's the only one
Confused and embarrassed he says, "I don't know what we're voting
on here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing
Saturday, February 6,
Getting A Loan
A man came into the
bank to get a loan. He went up to the teller and asked "Who arranges for
"I'm sorry sir" the teller informs him, "But the loan arranger is out
to lunch now."
"All right" said the man, "May I speak to
Friday, February 5,
Once upon a time,
there were three little pigs. The first little pig walked into a bar.
"Give me five beers." When he was done he asked, "Where's the
"Down the hall and to the left," replied the bartender.
second little pig walked into the bar and asked, "How many beers did my
"Then I'll have ten." When he was done he
asked, "Where's the bathroom?"
"Down the hall and to the left," replied
The third little pig walked into the bar and asked, "How many
beers did my brother have?"
"Then I'll have fifteen." When he was
done he started eating the peanuts on the bar.
The bartender asked, "Aren't
you going to ask where the bathroom is?"
"No", said the little pig. "I'm the
little pig that goes wee, wee, wee, all the way
Thursday, February 4,
The Pretty Dress
At the beginning of
a children's sermon, one little girl came up to the altar wearing a beautiful
dress. As the children are sitting down around the pastor, the pastor leans over
and says to the girl, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter
The girl replies almost dirctly into the pastor's clip-on mike
"Yes, and my Mommy says it's a bitch to iron."
After the Revival
After the revival
had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another.
The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained 4
The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained
6 new families!"
The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than
that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!"
Wednesday, February 3,
Only In America
America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...
in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating
Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large
fry, and a diet coke...
Only in America...do banks leave both doors open
and then chain the pens to the counters...
Only in America...do we leave
cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and
junk in boxes in the garage...
Only in America...do we use answering
machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from
someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...
America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of
Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the
process so well: "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning
Tuesday, February 2,
Making The Shot
A young man who was
also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He
figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he
had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto
the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone.
Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but
plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the
9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large
pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man
finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard,
hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back
on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man
offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was
only 3 feet tall."
Monday, February 1,
The Wealthy Wife
The wealthy wife of
a very successful Jewish businessman went to the portrait artist for her first
sitting. The portrait, a gift for her husband. She explained to the artist what
"You should paint me like I am. These little wrinkles, you put
them on your canvas. The lines under my eyes, the flab on my arms, the turn in
my nose, and the mole on my cheek, they all stay....BUT on my hands you put lots
of rings with big diamonds and emeralds and bright jewels. Around my neck you
put chains of gold and diamonds. Do you understand?"
The artist looked at
her in earnest and asked why she should want such detail of real life in her
physical appearance, but adorn herself with the phony jewelry.
"When I die my husband will re-marry. The new wife, she should go crazy looking
for the jewels".
Goin To The Movies
For the first time in many years, an old man traveled from
his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he
stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant
$1.50, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies,
popcorn was only 15 cents."
"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin,
"You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound