February 1999

The Wealthy Wife	Goin To The Movies	Making The Shot
After the Revival	Only In America	The Pretty Dress
Pig Beer	Getting A Loan	Sunday Sermon
NYC Accident	The New Pastor	The Counselor
The Parrot	Complete Protection	Adam & Eve
Love	Ever Work for This Guy?	Little Johnny
Five Smart Guys	Warnings the FDA is Considering	Duet
Fortune Teller	Corporate Motivational Poster Suggestions	The Bum
Office Visit	Baby Boomers - Then and Now	Playing House
Y2K Problem	Learning To Count	About the Boss
Out of Luck	Intelligence Test	Hearing Impaired
Vaseline		What a Weekend

A man, dressed in a suit, comes up to the front porch of the house juggling a clipboard, some papers and a briefcase. He knocks on the door and it's answered by a middle-aged man, who says, "Morning stranger, what can I do for you?"
"Well, sir, I represent Schneller, Barnum and Holtz. We're paid by private companies to canvas thousands of consumers, like yourself, for feedback on their products. Today we're soliciting comments on petroleum jelly.
Would you have time to answer just a couple of questions?"
"I don't see how a couple of questions could hurt, fire away young man," says the homeowner. Looking down at his clipboard, the survey-taker asks, "Okay, first, you do use Vaseline, correct?"
"Yes sir, for as long as I can remember."
"Great, now what exactly do you use it for?" replies the survey-taker, with his pen poised over his clipboard, ready to record the answer.
"Let's see... we use it for dry skin, chapped lips and sex." The well dressed man stops writing abruptly. He looks around, leans forward and in a low voice says, "We pride ourselves in being very thorough sir. I know how you'd use Vaseline for dry skin and chapped lips, but would you mind telling me how you use it for sex?"
"No problem," the homeowner says in a whisper. "We put it on our bedroom doorknob. It keeps the kids out..."

A man and a woman walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat.
As the lady tries it on, the furrier discreetly whispers to the man, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000."
"No problem! I'll write you a check!"
"Very good, sir," says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared."
So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!"
"I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"

Guido and Tony had applied for jobs at a large company and had to take an intelligence test. Though both of them found the test a breeze, except that they admitted to being momentarily stumped by the final question:
"Name a 14 letter word for someone in charge of a plant."
"How did you answer that last one?" asked Tony. "I thought it was tough at first ..... then I thought of Superintendent."
"I think I got it right too," Guido said. "But I wrote down Horticulturist."

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

I taught my daughter how to count the same way my parents taught me how to count. I bellow out in a low, thundering voice, "ONE..., TWO..."
This is not the way to teach your kids to count! My daughter's teacher called and said that she couldn't even say the number four. She kept following three up with "get your butt over here"!

A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting.
"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says. The two Englishmen just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" The two continue to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?" No response.
"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.
The first Englishman turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language...."
"Why?" says the other, "That bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25 page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected.
_______________________________________________________________
Quote from a recent interview: "You are a top flight candidate and I see that you have a lot of education. However, you understand, that intelligence is not really required for this job."
_______________________________________________________________
My Boss is a lot like a single sperm. There's a one in three million chance that he will ever become human!
_______________________________________________________________
Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say!"
_______________________________________________________________
How About Friday: My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
_______________________________________________________________
"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
_______________________________________________________________
A group of us got together to talk about the lack of merit increases this year (even though management got theirs). We made up a bumper sticker and stuck it on the Boss's new Lexus. It reads,
"How's my managing? Call 1-800-NO-CLUE!"
_______________________________________________________________
We recently received a memo from senior management saying, "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above."

Then: Killer Weed
Now: Weed Killer

Then: Being caught with Hustler magazine
Now: Being caught by Hustler magazine

Then: Hoping for a BMW
Now: Hoping for a BM

Then: The Grateful Dead
Now: Dr. Kevorkian

Then: Moving to California because it's cool
Now: Moving to California because it's warm

Then: Being called into the principal's office
Now: Storming into the principal's office

Then: Peace Sign
Now: Mercedes Logo

Then: Getting your head stoned
Now: Getting your headstone

Then: "Going blind"
Now: REALLY going blind

Then: Long hair
Now: Longing for hair

Then: Acid rock
Now: Acid reflux

Then: Worrying about no one coming to your party
Now: Worrying about no one coming to your funeral

Then: The perfect high
Now: The perfect high-yield mutual fund

Then: Elvis in the army
Now: Elvis in a UFO

Then: Keg
Now: EKG

Then: Taking acid
Now: Taking anti-acid

Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents
Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids

Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor

Then: Passing the driving test
Now: Passing the vision test

Then: Seeds and stems
Now: Roughage

Then: Popping pills, smoking joints
Now: Popping joints

Then: Whatever?.
Now: Depends

Then: "Off the pigs"
Now: "No bacon please, I'm watching my cholesterol"

Then: Ommmmmm
Now: Ummmmm

TO: Y2K COORDINATOR
FROM: JUNIOR PROGRAMMER

I hope I haven't misunderstood your instructions. Because to be honest, none of this Y to K problem makes any sense to me.

At any rate, I have finished converting all the company calendars so that the year 2000 is ready to go with the following new months:

Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk

The days will be:
Sundak
Mondak
Tuesdak
Wendesdak
Thursdak
Fridak
Saturdak

A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, wanna play house?"

He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"

The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your thoughts."

"Communicate my thoughts?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means."

The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."

A couple age 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Doctor, Will you watch us have intercourse?" The Doctor looked puzzled but agreed. When the couple finished, the Doctor said "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." And he charged them $10.00. This happened for several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, and then leave. Finally the Doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "we're not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. Holiday Inn charges $22.00, the Hilton charges $27.00, we do it here for $10.00 and I get $8.00 back from medicare for every visit to the Doctor's office.

A bum approached a well dressed man.
"Say pal couldja spare ten bucks for coffee?"
"Ten dollars!" the man exclaimed, "my dear fellow, not even in this city will you find an establishment that charges so much for coffee."
"I know" said the bum, "but it's my birthday and I wanted to knock off early."

During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.

"Will I be acquitted?"

1) If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.

2) It's only unethical if you get caught.

3) The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

4) Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

5) Sure, You may not like working here, but we pay your rent.

6) If you think we're a bad firm, you should see our rivals!

7) Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

8) We put the "k" in "kwality"

9) If something doesn't feel right, you're not feeling the right thing.

10) Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

11) A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat.

12) If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.

13) ABANDON ALL HOPE, ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE....

14) We make great money! We have great benefits! We do no work! We are union members!

15) Two days without a Human Rights Violation!

16) Your job is still better than asking "You want fries with that?"

17) We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile.

18) Plagiarism saves time.

19) If at first you don't succeed - try management.

20) At least you're not being rectally probed by aliens.

21) Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

22) Never quit until you have another job.

23) TEAMWORK....means never having to take all the blame yourself.

Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.

The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For Pete's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?!"

Five young men from the country were new to big city travel, but they'd always heard how important it is to stand up for themselves when dealing with cab drivers. They stopped a taxi driver, asking him to take them to airport.

All along the way they kept threatening the driver, saying, "We're smart, mister! Don't take the longest way to airport or we'll know!" They continued to pester him, saying, "We will not pay you anything if you cheat us, mister, so you'd better be straight with us."

When they finally arrived at the airport, the driver wanted to avoid having a hassle with the passengers. Just to be sure he didn't have any trouble collecting, he planned on reducing the fare by one-half of his normal trip rate. He'd already had a long day, and didn't need the problem.

As the car finally came to a stop after a twenty minute drive to the airport, the driver said, "O.K. We've arrived at the airport, and..."

"What's your fare, mister?!" the leader interrupted the driver rudely. "And remember we are smart about you guys," he reminded the driver one more time.

"To show you guys how great I am to visitors of our fine city, I am going to charge you only $10. Normally, I'd charge at least $20.00 for your trip. Please pay that and we'll be square."

"O.K.," they replied.
One passenger to the other said, "We sure showed him, didn't we?" as they paid the driver $10.00 each.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a jerk.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Bubba.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear."

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late.
Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.
Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself." And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"

Microsoft announced today that the official release date for the new operating system "Windows 2000" will be delayed until the second quarter of 1901.

Guy: "Margie, I love you! I love you, Margie!
Gal: "In the first place, you don't love me. In the second place, my name isn't Margie!"

Love may not make the world spin around,
but it sure makes a lot of people dizzy.

Watching the television news, we find that our highways aren't safe, our streets aren't safe, our parks aren't safe...
...but under our arms, we've got complete protection.

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asks, "Johnnie! What is your problem?!"
Johnnie says, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister's in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade!"
The teacher had had enough. As a result, she took Johnnie to the principal's office and explained Johnnie's request.
While Johnnie waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal. The principal told Johnnie's teacher that he would give the boy a test and if Johnnie failed to answer any of the special questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave.
The teacher agreed. Johnnie was brought into the room. The principal told Johnnie his terms and Johnnie agreed.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Johnnie: "9"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Johnnie: "36"
Principal: "What is 9 x 9?"
Johnnie: "81"
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. Johnnie appeared to have a strong case. The principal looked at the teacher and told her, "I think Johnnie can go on to the third grade."
The teacher, knowing Little Johnnie's tendency toward sexual wisecracks, said to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions before we make that decision?"
The principal and Johnnie both agreed, Johnnie with a sly look on his face.
The teacher began by asking, "What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2 of?"
Johnnie: "Legs."
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal's eyes open wide! Before he could stop Johnnie 's expected answer, Johnnie said, "Pockets."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "I think we should put Johnnie in the fifth grade. I missed the last two questions myself!"

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
"You're running around with other women," she charged.
"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on
earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

A magician is working on a small cruise ship. He's been doing his routines every night for ayear or two now. The audiences appreciate him, and they change over often enough that he doesn't have to worry about new tricks. However, there's this parrot who sits in the back row and watches him night after night, year after year. Finally, the parrot figures out how the tricks work and starts giving it away for the audience. For example, when the magician makes a bouquet of flowers disappear, the parrot squawks "Behind his back! Behind his back!"
Well, the magician got really annoyed at this, but he doesn't know what to do. The parrot belongs to the Captain, so he can't just kill it.
One day, the ship springs a leak and sinks. The magician manages to swim to a plank of wood floating by and grabs on. The parrot is sitting on the other end of the plank. The just stare at each other and drift. They drift for 3 days and still don't speak. Then, on the morning of the fourth day, the parrot looks over at the magician and says: "OK, I give up. Where did you hide the ship?"

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.
"What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.
He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"
The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here every Tuesdays and Thursdays."

In Midtown Manhattan, a police officer appears on the scene of what appears to be a bad accident. A pedistrian is lying in the crosswalk. The driver of the vehicle under suspecion is upset and says, "I swear, I didn't touch him. I saw him at the crosswalk, I came to a full stop, motioned for him to cross and he fainted."

A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times.
Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20 " and stuck it in the door.
The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was notation "Genesis 3:10" .

Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he will with me."

Genesis 3:10 reads:"And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."

A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off.
The priest has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of him.
He says to his congregation, "All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand."
The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man.
Then the preacher says even more loudly, "And he who would like to find a place in hell please STAND UP!"
The weary man catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to find that he's the only one standing.
Confused and embarrassed he says, "I don't know what we're voting on here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it!"

A man came into the bank to get a loan. He went up to the teller and asked "Who arranges for loans?"
"I'm sorry sir" the teller informs him, "But the loan arranger is out to lunch now."
"All right" said the man, "May I speak to Tonto?"

Once upon a time, there were three little pigs. The first little pig walked into a bar. "Give me five beers." When he was done he asked, "Where's the bathroom?"
"Down the hall and to the left," replied the bartender.
The second little pig walked into the bar and asked, "How many beers did my brother have?"
"Five."
"Then I'll have ten." When he was done he asked, "Where's the bathroom?"
"Down the hall and to the left," replied the bartender.
The third little pig walked into the bar and asked, "How many beers did my brother have?"
"Ten."
"Then I'll have fifteen." When he was done he started eating the peanuts on the bar.
The bartender asked, "Aren't you going to ask where the bathroom is?"
"No", said the little pig. "I'm the little pig that goes wee, wee, wee, all the way home."

At the beginning of a children's sermon, one little girl came up to the altar wearing a beautiful dress. As the children are sitting down around the pastor, the pastor leans over and says to the girl, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?"
The girl replies almost dirctly into the pastor's clip-on mike "Yes, and my Mommy says it's a bitch to iron."

After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another. The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained 4 new families."
The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained 6 new families!"
The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!"

Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...

Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...

Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...

Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...

Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...

Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...

Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...

Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures"...

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

The wealthy wife of a very successful Jewish businessman went to the portrait artist for her first sitting. The portrait, a gift for her husband. She explained to the artist what she wanted:
"You should paint me like I am. These little wrinkles, you put them on your canvas. The lines under my eyes, the flab on my arms, the turn in my nose, and the mole on my cheek, they all stay....BUT on my hands you put lots of rings with big diamonds and emeralds and bright jewels. Around my neck you put chains of gold and diamonds. Do you understand?"
The artist looked at her in earnest and asked why she should want such detail of real life in her physical appearance, but adorn herself with the phony jewelry.
She replied: "When I die my husband will re-marry. The new wife, she should go crazy looking for the jewels".

For the first time in many years, an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents."
"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now."