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chuckle

March, 2001

Not On My Flight

Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.

If you look out of the window on the port, or left, side of the aircraft you will see that the inner engine is on fire just below the fuel tanks in the wing. If you look out at the starboard, or right, wing you will observe that a widening crack has developed at the wing root, making it unlikely that the wing will remain attached to the fuselage.

If you look down at the surface of the sea over which the aircraft is flying, you will notice a small orange dot. This is a life-raft. In it are your co-pilot, your flight engineer and myself.

This has been a recorded announcement."

The Golden Wedding Anniversary

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.

"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."

The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."

Thoughts for the Week

Reality is the only obstacle to happiness.
Rumor travels faster, but it don't stay as long as truth!
Save Santa a trip--be naughty!
Schizophrenia beats the heck out of being alone.
Science tells use we only use 15% of our brain, but I wonder what we do with the other 85%
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark. Reality is the only obstacle to happiness.
Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.

Frat Bro

A friend was waiting for a fraternity brother who was dropping his girlfriend off at her dorm. It was curfew, and the housemother flicked the porch light on and off to hasten their good-by's. Getting no results, she marched out to the porch, where the couple was locked in a heated embrace, and tapped the young man on the shoulder. "Sorry, lady," he said, briefly looking up. "You'll just have to wait in line like everyone else."

Your Question

A group of friends who prided themselves on their intelligence set out to have a contest of wits.
Each person in turn asked a question, and anyone who volunteered an answer that was wrong dropped out. If no one could answer, the questioner himself had to answer, and if he was wrong, he dropped out.
Each dropout had to put $5 into the pot.
Eventually the matter boiled down to Thompson and Brown, and the erudition of each one boiled up so that both were held even for half an hour.
Finally Thompson said, "How does a gopher dig a hole without leaving a mound of dirt at the lip?"
Brown thought about that and said, "I can't answer that. However, since it's your question, you had better answer it."
Thompson said coolly, as he reached for the accumulated pile of bills. "Easy. The gopher starts at the bottom of the hole and that's where he leaves the dirt."
"Hold on," said Brown heatedly, grasping Thompson's wrist to prevent him from taking the pot. "How does the gopher get to the bottom of the hole in the first place?"
"That's your question," said Thompson as he took the money.

Saturday,  March 24, 2001

Your Money's Worth

A feisty 76 year-old woman had to call a furnace repairman.
After a quick inspection, the man put some oil into the motor and handed her a $70 bill for labor.
"Labor charges!  One hour?" she exclaimed. "It only took you five minutes!"
The repairman explained that his company had a minimum one-hour charge on every house call.
"Well, I want my remaining 55 minutes of labor," the lady responded, and she handed him a rake.
The repairman spent the next 55 minutes in her yard bagging leaves.

Little Timmy

Little Timmy was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied Timmy tearfully, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" 

Little Timmy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."

Set It Free

If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.

If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.

If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it!

From The Mouths of Babes

A mother was  preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3.  The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.  Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.  If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake.  I can wait."  

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus."

What Religion are Bras?

A man walked into the ladies department of Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife." 
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man, "There is more than one type?"  
The saleslady said, "Look around," as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this
variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."
Relieved, the man asked about the types. 
The saleslady replied, "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"
Now completely befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. 
The saleslady responded,  "It is all really quite simple;
The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen.
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright,&
The Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.

But Can You Pass?

The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach.
"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.
"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"
"Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.
"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"
The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."

One-Liners

Schizophrenia beats being alone.

You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes.
You will learn a lot today.

Time is just nature's way to keep everything from
happening at once.

Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?

All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.

Strip Mining Prevents Forest Fires

A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS
But it uses up a thousand times the memory

The Meek shall inherit the earth..
...after we're through with it.

An Irish Tradition

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender asks him, "You know,  a pint goes flat after I draw it;  it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "well, you see, I have two brothers.  One is in America, and the other in Australia, and I am here in Dublin.  When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints.  All the other regulars notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs.  "Oh, no," he says, "everyone's fine.  I've just quit drinking."

Friday,  March 16, 2001

Perfumes

An old Italian woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City Office Building. A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator and smelling like expensive perfume turns to the old Italian woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"
The next young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also very arrogantly turns to the old Italian woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destiny and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, she bends over, and farts....... "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound!!!"

"See, I told you..."

During a dinner party, the hosts' two little children entered the dining room totally nude and walked slowly around the table.

The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept the conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening.

After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say, "See, I told you, it IS vanishing cream!"

Van Gogh's Relatives

His obnoxious brother..........................Please Gogh
His dizzy aunt ................................Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes.....................Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store..Stopn Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia................U Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white.....Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois.......................Chica Gogh
His magician uncle.............................Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin.............................Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother.....Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach.............Wellsfar Gogh
The constipated uncle .........................Cant Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt......................Tan Gogh
The bird lover uncle...........................Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst.......................E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin........................Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking...........Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew.......................Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco.......................Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van.Winnie Bay Gogh

Classic Headlines

March Planned For Next August
Blind Bishop Appointed To See
Lingerie Shipment Hijacked - Thief Gives Police The Slip
Patient At Death's Door - Doctors Pull Him Through
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Defendants Speech Ends in Long Sentences
Farmer Bill Dies in House
Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Bumper Stickers

Dain bramaged.

Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway

Body by Nautilus; Brain by Mattel

Boldly Going Nowhere

CAUTION - Driver legally blonde!

Heart Attacks...God's Revenge for Eating His Animal Friends

He's not dead, He's Electroencephalographically challenged

How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?

I'm an imbecile and I vote

Money Isn't Everything... But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch

If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now

Saw it... Wanted it... Had a fit... Got it!

WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition

If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!

You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT

Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

Sunday Golf

It was a sunny Sunday morning on the course and he was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker: "Would the gentleman on the woman's tee please back up to the men's tee!!"

Our man was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement: "Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up to the men's tee."

Our golfer simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more the man yelled: "Would the man on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee, PLEASE!"

Finally our focused golfer stopped.  He turned, looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the mike and shouted back, "Would the person in the clubhouse kindly shut the hell up and let me play my second stroke for this hole?"

To the Rescue

A fire started on some grassland near a farm in Indiana. The fire department from the nearby town was called to put the fire out. The fire proved to be more than the small town fire department could handle, so someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called.  Though there was doubt that they would be of any assistance, the call was made.
The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle of the flames. The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controllable parts.
The farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and so grateful that his farm had been spared, that he presented the volunteer fire department with a check for $1000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.
"That should be obvious," he responded, "the first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that stupid fire truck."

The Gym Class

In a high school gym class, all the girls are lined up against one wall, and all the boys against the opposite wall.  Every ten seconds, they walk toward each other exactly half the remaining distance between them.
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are asked, "When will the girls and boys meet?"
Mathematician:  "Never."
Physicist:  "In an infinite amount of time."
Engineer:  "Well... in about two minutes, they'll be close enough for all practical purposes."

Kids Say the Cutest Things

After my granddaughter,  Nicole and I baked a cherry cobbler she'd volunteered to do the dishes.
"I can't get it cleaned", she moaned scrubbing the baking dish.
"Use some elbow grease",  I called in from the other room.
A few minutes later when I returned to the kitchen, I found  Nicole rummaging under the sink.  Exasperated she asked, " Grandma what does elbow grease look like".

Static

"Watch out," the wife cautioned her husband, who was driving. "Don't you see that car is braking?"  Then she snapped, "Don't pass that truck - his tire is wobbling."
The husband turned on his CB and informed the trucker about his loose wheel.  The wife, in a nasty mood because of a headache, was irritated by the incessant squealing of the CB.  "Why do you always get so much static?" she asked.
"Because," her long-suffering husband replied, "I'm married."

Depends On Your Outlook

A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street.  First they see two people going into the house.  Time passes.  After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.
The Physicist says: "The measurement wasn't accurate."
The Biologist concludes: "They have reproduced."
The Mathematician says: "Now if another person enters the house, it'll be empty again."

Golf Help

"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.
"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went."
"But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"
"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack.
"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Tracy pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.
"Do you see it?" asked Jack.
"Yup," Scott answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
"I forgot."

Seeing Eye Pilot

Passengers on a plane are waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilot uniforms. Both are wearing dark glasses.  One is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start.

The passengers begin glancing nervously, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport.

As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, screams of panic fill the cabin. But at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die."

Declaring War

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.
"Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy up in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "this is indeed important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"
"At this moment in time," said Paddy after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Gerry, and the entire dominoes team from the pub -- that makes eight!"
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have a million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorrah!" said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back. "Right Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.
"Well, we have two combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm."
Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have sixteen thousand tanks, fourteen thousand armored personnel carriers, and my army has  increased to two million men since we last spoke."
"Really?" said Paddy "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Right Mr. Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Paddy "We've had a look at the Geneva Convention, all had a chat, and there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

Are You Jewish?

A little old Jewish lady is flying out of New York City on her way to Miami Beach. She looks at the businessman sitting next to her and asks him, "Excuse me sir, but are you Jewish?"
The man responds politely, "No, ma'am, I'm not Jewish."
After a little while she again queries him, "You're really Jewish, aren't you?"
Again he responds, "No ma'am, I am not Jewish."
Barely 10 minutes later, the little old lady asks him once more, "Are you sure you're not Jewish?"
To which in exasperation, and in a final effort to shut her up, he replies, "Okay. Yes, ma'am, if it will make you happy, I am Jewish."
"That's funny," she says, looking puzzled, "you don't look Jewish!"

In or Out!

An exasperated mother, whose son was always  getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"    

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll  just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!'"