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March, 2003

Monday, March 31, 2003

From The Mouths of Babes

Kids statements that are a little ... off track:

* God bless America Thru the night with a light from a bulb!

* 0 Susanna, 0 don't you cry for me, For I come from Alabama with a band-aid on my knee!

* Give us this day our deli bread! Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Whole East Coast.

* We shall come to Joyce's, bringing in the cheese.

* Yield Not to Penn Station.

* Praise God From whom all blessings flow, Praise Him all creatures, HERE WE GO

* Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names.

* While shepherds washed their socks by night

* He socked me and boxed me with His redeeming glove.

Sunday, March 30, 2003

Good Excuse

The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there.  One finally ran up, panting heavily.  "Sorry, sir!  I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

 The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go.  Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late. "Sorry, sir!  I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

 The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too.  A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily, "Sorry, sir!  I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."

 "Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down."

 "No," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."

Saturday, March 29, 2003

WOMEN'S BUMPER STICKERS

'So many men, so few who can afford me.'


'Coffee, chocolate, men ... some things are just better rich.'


'Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.'


'Guys have feelings too, But ... who cares?'


'And your point is?'


'Next mood swing: 6 minutes.'


'If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.'

Friday, March 28, 2003

Pretzels

A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each.

Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time and, as he passed her pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but would never take a pretzel.

This went on for more than five years.  The two of them never spoke.

One day as the man passed the old ladies pretzel stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel woman spoke to him,

"Sir, I appreciate your business.  You are a good customer, but I have to tell you that the pretzel price has increased to 35 cents."

Thursday, March 27, 2003

Write It Down

With four daughters and one son always dashing to school activities and part-time jobs, their schedule was hectic. To add to this, the family kept running out of household supplies. The mother instructed everyone to let her know when they used the last of any item by writing it down on a note pad on the refrigerator. As a reminder, she wrote at the top in large letters: IF WE ARE OUT OF IT, WRITE IT DOWN.

When she checked the pad a few days later, she found the following message: MOM, YOU MAY BE A BIT OLD-FASHIONED, BUT YOU ARE NOT "OUT OF IT."

Wednesday, March 26, 2003

Inmate Problem

A prison inmate had his prosthetic leg confiscated after he used it in a brawl with another prisoner.  When the inmate found out the authorities were taking away his leg, he was hopping mad.

Tuesday, March 25, 2003

Therapist

A certain man was infatuated with a young woman, but was so timid he never had the courage to speak to her. In fact, he told his therapist that every time he got near her he felt like nothing more than a tiny pebble.

"Well," his therapist responded, "if you want to get the girl you'll just have to be a little boulder!"

Monday, March 24, 2003

What Would You Do...

This guy was applying for a job as a flagman / switch operator on the railroad. The engineer was conducting the interview.

"What would you do if the Northern Express was heading north on Track 1 and the Southern Central was heading south on Track 1?"

The guy thought. "Well, I'd call my brother."

The engineer just sat there for a second. "Why would you call your brother???"

"He's never seen a train wreck before."

Sunday, March 23, 2003

ATTENTION CHILDREN

THE BATHROOM DOOR IS CLOSED!

Please do not stand here and talk, whine, or ask questions.

Wait until I get out.

Yes, it is locked. I want it that way. It is not broken, and I am not trapped.

I know I have left it unlocked, and even open at times, since you were born, because I was afraid some horrible tragedy might occur while I was in there, but it's been 10 years and I want some PRIVACY.

Do not ask me how long I will be. I will come out when I am done.

Do not bring the phone to the bathroom door.

Do not go running back to the phone yelling "She's in the BATHROOM!"

Do not begin to fight as soon as I go in.

Do not stick your little fingers under the door and wiggle them. This was funny when you were two.

Do not slide pennies, LEGOs, or notes under the door. Even when you were two this got a little tiresome.

If you have followed me down the hall talking, and are still talking as you face this closed door, please turn around, walk away, and wait for me in another room. I will be glad to listen to you when I am done.

And yes, I still love you.

Mom

Saturday, March 22, 2003

The Club

A man drives up and parks his car near the Capitol building. Immediately, a security guard rushes out and yells, "Sir! Sir! You can't park your car there, Congress is in session!"

The man replies calmly, "Oh don't worry, I always use The Club when I park in a high crime neighborhood."

Friday, March 21, 2003

Neiman Marcus

On a visit to Chicago, I was eager to visit a posh department store about a dozen blocks from our hotel.  My husband obligingly hailed a cab.  "The lady wants to go to Neiman Marcus," he told the driver.

The cabby looked over his shoulder at us.  "And the gentleman?" he asked.  "Does he want to go to the bank?" 

Thursday, March 20, 2003

Yale

The bank manager noticed the new clerk was an idiot at counting money and adding up figures.

"Where did you get your finance education?" he asked.

"Yale," replied the lad.

"And what's your name?" barked the manager.

"Yim Yohnston," he replied

Wednesday, March 19, 2003

Local Butcher

A butcher just out of trade school applies for and gets a job in northwest America, skinning and cutting up the kills of local hunters.  The first job he gets is to cut up a moose to put in the freezer. He finally gets the moose cut up and is putting it into bags and marking them with the contents: chops, rump steak, ribs, sirloin, etc.

When he finishes with the stiff he knows, he is left with a pile of unidentifiable parts. At a loss as to
what to do with them, he finally puts them all into one bag and labels them ...  Moosellanious.

Tuesday, March 18, 2003

Gotcha

Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three lawyers. 

"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers.

They all board the train.  The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.  He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.  The conductor takes it and moves on.  The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.

So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip.  To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed lawyer.

"Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers.

When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.  Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding.  He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

Monday, March 17, 2003

Saint Patty's Day Groaners


Q.  Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?

A.  Real rocks are too heavy.

 
Q.  Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?

A.  Because they're always a little short.

 
Q.  Why do leprechauns have pots o'gold?

A.  They like to "go" first class!

 
Q.  How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?

A.  He's Dublin over with laughter!  

 
Q.  What's Irish and stays out all night?

A.  Patty O'furniture!


Q.  How did the Irish Jig get started?

A.  Too much to drink and not enough restrooms!


Q.  What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control his wife?

A.  A bachelor.

Sunday, March 16, 2003

Paper Plane

Fifth grader Vickie she looked downcast. Her teacher asked, "What's the problem, Vickie? I hope it's not homework again."

"Well, uh, yes it is." replied Vickie. "I was stupid and made my homework paper into a paper airplane."

"Vickie, you're right that wasn't a very bright thing to do," said the teacher, "but this once I'll let you just unfold the paper and hand it in."

"Oh, but that won't work," said Vickie, looking even sadder.  "You see, the plane was hijacked." 

Saturday, March 15, 2003

Legal Advice

A man went to his lawyer and said, "I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it."

The lawyer said, "No problem, leave it all to me."

The man looked somewhat upset and said, "Well, I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but I would like to leave a little to my children too!"

Friday, March 14, 2003

Not Just an Athlete

The famous female Olympic skier Picabo (pronounced Peek-A-Boo) Street is not just an athlete, she is a nurse.  She currently works at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.  She is not permitted to answer the telephone, however, as it causes simply too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say, "Picabo, ICU."

Wednesday, March 12, 2003

Three Sons

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you, both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:

"Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."

Tuesday, March 11, 2003

In A Child's Mind

A teacher asked her class to draw a picture of their favorite Old Testament story and as she moved around the class there were many wonderful drawings being done. Then she came across Johnny who had drawn a man driving an old car. In the back seat were two passengers, both scantily dressed.

"It's a lovely picture," said the teacher, "but which story does it tell?"

Johnny seemed surprised at the question. "Well," he exclaimed, "doesn't it say in the Bible that . . . God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden?"

Monday, March 10, 2003

Grounded

George had spent a week visiting with his brother. Bill had accompanied him to the airport for his flight back home.

After verifying his seat number, George rejoined Bill and explained he'd have to wait an additional two hours.

"Why do you have to wait?"

"My plane's been grounded."

"Grounded?"  Bill said puzzled.  "I didn't know planes had parents."

Sunday, March 9, 2003

Police Investigation

A workman was killed at a construction site. The police began questioning a number of the other workers. Based with past brushes with the law, many of these workers were considered prime suspects.

The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once but was never charged.

The carpenter thought he was a stud. He tried to frame another man one time.

The glazier went to great panes to conceal his past. He still claims that he didn't do anything, that he was framed.

The painter had a brush with the law several years ago.

The heating, ventilation and air conditioning contractor is known to pack heat. He was arrested once but duct the charges.

The mason gets stoned regularly.

The cabinet maker is an accomplished counter fitter.

Saturday, March 8, 2003

Perfect Mate

A bachelor asked the computer to find him the perfect mate.

He entered, "I want a companion who is small and cute, loves water sports and enjoys group activities."

The computer generated the answer, "Marry a penguin."

Friday, March 7, 2003

Say It With Flowers

A gentleman was lured into a busy florist shop by a large sign in the window that read, "Say It With Flowers."

"Wrap up one rose," he told the florist.

"Only one?" the florist asked.

"Just one," the customer replied. "I'm a man of few words."

Thursday, March 6, 2003

A Rabbi and a Priest

Jewish humor has it that a rabbi and a priest met at the town picnic and began their usual "kibitzing." "This baked ham is just delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really should try some. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful thing should be forbidden. You just don't know what you're missing. You haven't lived until you're tried Mrs. Kennedy's baked ham. Tell me, when are you going to break down and try a little ham?"

The rabbi looked at the priest, smiled and said, "At your wedding."

Wednesday, March 5, 2003

Pills

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills.

The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."

Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Jeez doc, exactly what's my problem?"

Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."

Tuesday, March 4, 2003

A Good Day

A man was in the habit of carrying an umbrella wherever he went. Unfortunately he broke his last good one. Looking at the six useless umbrellas in his umbrella stand he decided to take them all in and have them repaired.

On the bus on the way home he picked up the umbrella of the woman sitting next to him, purely out of habit. She immediately cried, "Stop, thief!" and he surrendered the umbrella and got off the bus much embarrassed.

The next week he went to pick up his merchandise and when he got on the bus with the six umbrellas under his arm he just so happened to sit next to the very same woman.

She gave him an icy stare and said, "Had a good day, huh?"

Monday, March 3, 2003

So That's Why!

A man was in bad shape. He constantly gasped for breath and his eyes bulged. The doctors didn't give him long to live. He decided to live it up.

Withdrawing all of his money from the bank, he went on a shopping spree. His last stop was at the most expensive haberdashery in the city. He pointed out
a dozen silk shirts. He wore a size fourteen. The clerk said, "Your neck looks bigger than fourteen. You need a sixteen."

The man said, "I know my size. I want them in a fourteen."

The clerk said, "I'll get them for you, but I want to warn you...if you wear a fourteen you'll gasp all day and your eyes will bulge."

Sunday, March 2, 2003

As Usual

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read:

Dear GOD,
Thank you very much for sending the money but, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those jerks deducted $95.00.

Saturday, March 1, 2003

Scared

My sister-in-law, a truck driver, had decided to get a dog for protection.  As she inspected a likely candidate, the trainer told her, "He doesn't like men."

"Perfect," my sister-in-law thought and took the dog.

Then one day she was approached by two men in a parking lot, and she watched to see how her canine bodyguard would react.  Soon it became clear the the trainer wasn't kidding.  As the men got closer, the dog ran under the nearest car.