Monday, March 31, 2003
From The Mouths of Babes
Kids statements that are a
little ... off track:
* God bless America Thru the night with a light from a bulb!
* 0 Susanna, 0 don't you cry for me, For I come from Alabama with a band-aid on
* Give us this day our deli bread! Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to
the Whole East Coast.
* We shall come to Joyce's, bringing in the cheese.
* Yield Not to Penn Station.
* Praise God From whom all blessings flow, Praise Him all creatures, HERE WE GO
* Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names.
* While shepherds washed their socks by night
* He socked me and boxed me with His redeeming glove.
Sunday, March 30, 2003
went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting
heavily. "Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little
late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a
farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."
The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here
so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general
panting, he asked them why they were late. "Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran
a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down,
found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm
The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy
go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting
heavily, "Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus
but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."
"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down."
"No," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took
forever to get around them."
Saturday, March 29, 2003
WOMEN'S BUMPER STICKERS
'So many men, so few who can
'Coffee, chocolate, men ... some things are just better rich.'
'Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.'
'Guys have feelings too, But ... who cares?'
'And your point is?'
'Next mood swing: 6 minutes.'
'If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.'
Friday, March 28, 2003
old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each.
Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time and,
as he passed her pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but would
never take a pretzel.
This went on for more than five years. The two of them never spoke.
One day as the man passed the old ladies pretzel stand and left his
quarter as usual, the pretzel woman spoke to him,
"Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to
tell you that the pretzel price has increased to 35 cents."
Thursday, March 27, 2003
Write It Down
daughters and one son always dashing to school activities and part-time
jobs, their schedule was hectic. To add to this, the family kept running
out of household supplies. The mother instructed everyone to let her know
when they used the last of any item by writing it down on a note pad on
the refrigerator. As a reminder, she wrote at the top in large letters: IF
WE ARE OUT OF IT, WRITE IT DOWN.
When she checked the pad a few days later, she found the following
message: MOM, YOU MAY BE A BIT OLD-FASHIONED, BUT YOU ARE NOT "OUT OF IT."
Wednesday, March 26, 2003
inmate had his prosthetic leg confiscated after he used it in a brawl with
another prisoner. When the inmate found out the authorities were taking
away his leg, he was hopping mad.
Tuesday, March 25, 2003
man was infatuated with a young woman, but was so timid he never had the
courage to speak to her. In fact, he told his therapist that every time he
got near her he felt like nothing more than a tiny pebble.
"Well," his therapist responded, "if you want to get the girl you'll just
have to be a little boulder!"
Monday, March 24, 2003
What Would You Do...
This guy was
applying for a job as a flagman / switch operator on the railroad. The engineer
was conducting the interview.
"What would you do if the Northern Express was heading north on Track 1 and the
Southern Central was heading south on Track 1?"
The guy thought. "Well, I'd call my brother."
The engineer just sat there for a second. "Why would you call your brother???"
"He's never seen a train wreck before."
Sunday, March 23, 2003
THE BATHROOM DOOR IS CLOSED!
Please do not stand here and
talk, whine, or ask questions.
Wait until I get out.
Yes, it is locked. I want it that way. It is not broken, and I am not trapped.
I know I have left it unlocked, and even open at times, since you were born,
because I was afraid some horrible tragedy might occur while I was in there, but
it's been 10 years and I want some PRIVACY.
Do not ask me how long I will be. I will come out when I am done.
Do not bring the phone to the bathroom door.
Do not go running back to the phone yelling "She's in the BATHROOM!"
Do not begin to fight as soon as I go in.
Do not stick your little fingers under the door and wiggle them. This was funny
when you were two.
Do not slide pennies, LEGOs, or notes under the door. Even when you were two
this got a little tiresome.
If you have followed me down the hall talking, and are still talking as you face
this closed door, please turn around, walk away, and wait for me in another
room. I will be glad to listen to you when I am done.
And yes, I still love you.
Saturday, March 22, 2003
A man drives up and parks
his car near the Capitol building. Immediately, a security guard rushes
out and yells, "Sir! Sir! You can't park your car there, Congress is in
The man replies calmly, "Oh don't worry, I always use The Club when I park
in a high crime neighborhood."
Friday, March 21, 2003
On a visit to Chicago, I was
eager to visit a posh department store about a dozen blocks from our
hotel. My husband obligingly hailed a cab. "The lady wants to go to
Neiman Marcus," he told the driver.
The cabby looked over his shoulder at us. "And the gentleman?" he asked.
"Does he want to go to the bank?"
Thursday, March 20, 2003
The bank manager noticed the new
clerk was an idiot at counting money and adding up figures.
"Where did you get your finance education?" he asked.
"Yale," replied the lad.
"And what's your name?" barked the manager.
"Yim Yohnston," he replied
Wednesday, March 19, 2003
A butcher just out of trade
school applies for and gets a job in northwest America, skinning and
cutting up the kills of local hunters. The first job he gets is to cut up
a moose to put in the freezer. He finally gets the moose cut up and is
putting it into bags and marking them with the contents: chops, rump
steak, ribs, sirloin, etc.
When he finishes with the stiff he knows, he is left with a pile of
unidentifiable parts. At a loss as to
what to do with them, he finally puts them all into one bag and labels
them ... Moosellanious.
Tuesday, March 18, 2003
lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the
station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three
engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of
the three lawyers.
and you'll see," answers one of the engineers.
They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all
three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket,
please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a
ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers saw
this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the
return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a
single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers
don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed lawyer.
"Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers.
When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the
three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly
afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the
restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says,
Monday, March 17, 2003
Saint Patty's Day Groaners
Q. Why do people wear
shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
A. Real rocks are too heavy.
Q. Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
A. Because they're always a little short.
Q. Why do leprechauns have pots o'gold?
A. They like to "go" first class!
Q. How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
A. He's Dublin over with laughter!
Q. What's Irish and stays out all night?
A. Patty O'furniture!
Q. How did the Irish Jig get started?
A. Too much to drink and not enough restrooms!
Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control his wife?
A. A bachelor.
Sunday, March 16, 2003
Fifth grader Vickie she
looked downcast. Her teacher asked, "What's the problem, Vickie? I hope
it's not homework again."
"Well, uh, yes it is." replied Vickie. "I was stupid and made my homework
paper into a paper airplane."
"Vickie, you're right that wasn't a very bright thing to do," said the
teacher, "but this once I'll let you just unfold the paper and hand it
"Oh, but that won't work," said Vickie, looking even sadder. "You
see, the plane was hijacked."
Saturday, March 15, 2003
A man went to his lawyer and
said, "I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go
The lawyer said, "No problem, leave it all to me."
The man looked somewhat upset and said, "Well, I knew you were going to
take the biggest slice, but I would like to leave a little to my children
Friday, March 14, 2003
Not Just an Athlete
The famous female Olympic skier
Picabo (pronounced Peek-A-Boo) Street is not just an athlete, she is a nurse.
She currently works at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan
hospital. She is not permitted to answer the telephone, however, as it causes
simply too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say, "Picabo,
Wednesday, March 12, 2003
Three sons left home,
went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed
the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second said, "I
sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got
you, both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you
know she can't see very well. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites
the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's
one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:
"Milton," she wrote one
son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have
to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to
another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I
rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Donald," she
wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your mother
likes. The chicken was delicious."
Tuesday, March 11, 2003
In A Child's Mind
A teacher asked her class
to draw a picture of their favorite Old Testament story and as she moved
around the class there were many wonderful drawings being done. Then she
came across Johnny who had drawn a man driving an old car. In the back
seat were two passengers, both scantily dressed.
"It's a lovely picture," said the teacher, "but which story does it tell?"
Johnny seemed surprised at the question. "Well," he exclaimed, "doesn't it
say in the Bible that . . . God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of
Monday, March 10, 2003
George had spent a week
visiting with his brother. Bill had accompanied him to the airport for his
flight back home.
After verifying his seat number, George rejoined Bill and explained he'd
have to wait an additional two hours.
"Why do you have to wait?"
"My plane's been grounded."
"Grounded?" Bill said puzzled. "I didn't know planes had parents."
Sunday, March 9, 2003
A workman was killed at a
construction site. The police began questioning a number of the other
workers. Based with past brushes with the law, many of these workers were
considered prime suspects.
The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once but was never charged.
The carpenter thought he was a stud. He tried to frame another man one
The glazier went to great panes to conceal his past. He still claims that
he didn't do anything, that he was framed.
The painter had a brush with the law several years ago.
The heating, ventilation and air conditioning contractor is known to pack
heat. He was arrested once but duct the charges.
The mason gets stoned regularly.
The cabinet maker is an accomplished counter fitter.
Saturday, March 8, 2003
A bachelor asked the
computer to find him the perfect mate.
He entered, "I want a companion who is small and cute, loves water sports
and enjoys group activities."
The computer generated the answer, "Marry a penguin."
Friday, March 7, 2003
Say It With Flowers
A gentleman was lured
into a busy florist shop by a large sign in the window that read, "Say It
"Wrap up one rose," he told the florist.
"Only one?" the florist asked.
"Just one," the customer replied. "I'm a man of few words."
Thursday, March 6, 2003
A Rabbi and a Priest
Jewish humor has it that
a rabbi and a priest met at the town picnic and began their usual
"kibitzing." "This baked ham is just delicious," the priest teased the
rabbi. "You really should try some. I know it's against your religion, but
I can't understand why such a wonderful thing should be forbidden. You
just don't know what you're missing. You haven't lived until you're tried
Mrs. Kennedy's baked ham. Tell me, when are you going to break down and
try a little ham?"
The rabbi looked at the priest, smiled and said, "At your wedding."
Wednesday, March 5, 2003
A man goes to the doctor
and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him,
leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills.
The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you
get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then
just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of
Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Jeez doc,
exactly what's my problem?"
Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."
Tuesday, March 4, 2003
A Good Day
A man was in the habit of
carrying an umbrella wherever he went. Unfortunately he broke his last
good one. Looking at the six useless umbrellas in his umbrella stand he
decided to take them all in and have them repaired.
On the bus on the way home he picked up the umbrella of the woman sitting
next to him, purely out of habit. She immediately cried, "Stop, thief!"
and he surrendered the umbrella and got off the bus much embarrassed.
The next week he went to pick up his merchandise and when he got on the
bus with the six umbrellas under his arm he just so happened to sit next
to the very same woman.
She gave him an icy stare and said, "Had a good day, huh?"
Monday, March 3, 2003
So That's Why!
A man was in bad shape.
He constantly gasped for breath and his eyes bulged. The doctors didn't
give him long to live. He decided to live it up.
Withdrawing all of his money from the bank, he went on a shopping spree.
His last stop was at the most expensive haberdashery in the city. He
a dozen silk shirts. He wore a size fourteen. The clerk said, "Your neck
looks bigger than fourteen. You need a sixteen."
The man said, "I know my size. I want them in a fourteen."
The clerk said, "I'll get them for you, but I want to warn you...if you
wear a fourteen you'll gasp all day and your eyes will bulge."
Sunday, March 2, 2003
A little boy wanted
$100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided
to write GOD a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities
received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his
secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Bush thought this
would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was
delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD,
Thank you very much for sending the money but, I noticed that for some
reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those
jerks deducted $95.00.
Saturday, March 1, 2003
My sister-in-law, a truck
driver, had decided to get a dog for protection. As she inspected a
likely candidate, the trainer told her, "He doesn't like men."
"Perfect," my sister-in-law thought and took the dog.
Then one day she was approached by two men in a parking lot, and she
watched to see how her canine bodyguard would react. Soon it became clear
the the trainer wasn't kidding. As the men got closer, the dog ran under
the nearest car.