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March, 2004

Wednesday, March 31, 2004

Doctor's Office

A man walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.  He replied, "I got shingles."

She said, "Fill out this form and supply your name, address, medical insurance number.  When you're done, please take a seat."

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had.  He said, "I got shingles."

So she took down his height, weight, and blood pressure, then said, "Change into this gown and wait in the examining room."

A half hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles."

The doctor gave him a full examination, and then said, "Well, I just checked you out thoroughly, and I can't find shingles anywhere."

The man replied, "That's because they're outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

Tuesday, March 30, 2004

SIGNS!

On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "We can help you pick your nose!"

On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

Monday, March 29, 2004

College Days

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 700 students in the class! The examination  was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided.

The professor told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. A half hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.

"Yes I will," replied the student.

He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for  the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. 1/2 hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late."

The student looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know WHO I am?"

"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.
 
"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.

Sunday, March 28, 2004

Let It Go

A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party:

"What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked. "Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer.

"What do you do?"

The minister replied "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go."

Saturday, March 27, 2004

Eyeglasses

An old snake goes to see his Doctor.

"Doc, I need something for my eyes, I can't see very well these days."

The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.

The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.

Doc says, "What's the problem?  Didn't the glasses help you?"

"The glasses are fine doc, but I just discovered I've been living with a garden hose the past 2 years!"

Friday, March 26, 2004

Give Or Take

A man had fallen between the rails in a subway station. People were all crowding around trying to get him out before the train ran him over. They were all shouting.

"Give me your hand!" but the man would not reach up.

Ralph elbowed his way through the crowd and leaned over the man. "Friend," he asked, "what is your profession?"

"I am an income tax inspector," gasped the man.

"In that case," said Ralph, "take my hand!"

The man immediately grasped Ralph's hand and was hauled to safety. Ralph turned to the amazed by-standers. "Never ask a tax man to GIVE you anything.

Thursday, March 25, 2004

Jumbo Jet

A man looked at the menu at the airport restaurant, and saw that the sandwiches were named for planes.  "I'll have a Jumbo Jet," he said.  When the order arrived, he was disappointed to see how small his burger was, but he ate it anyway.

He called his waiter over and asked, "Was that the Jumbo Jet?"

"Yeah," the waiter answered.  "Went pretty fast, didn't it?"

Wednesday, March 24, 2004

Snoring Cure

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. 'You've got to have a room somewhere,' he pleaded. 'Or just a bed, I don't care where.'

'Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy,' admitted the manager, 'and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you.

''No problem,' the tired Marine assured him. 'I'll take it.'

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. 'How'd you sleep?' asked the manager.

'Never better.'

The manager was impressed. 'No problem with the other guy snoring, then?'

'Nope, I shut him up in no time,' said the Marine.

'How'd you manage that?' asked the manager.

'He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,' the Marine explained. 'I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me.'

Tuesday, March 23, 2004

Careful What You Ask For

Although we had recently moved into a new neighborhood, our young son had already made many new friends, ten of whom were invited to his birthday party.  When the happy day arrived and he opened his presents, I was amazed to see that eight guests had presented him with sweaters.

Later I visited the mother of one of the boys to explain about the multiplicity of sweaters in the hope that an exchange might be arranged. She said coolly, "Well, after all, you were the one who wrote on the invitation what you wanted me to buy."

For a few minutes I was stunned into silence; then I realized what had happened. Since the party was being held in our basement, which is always cool, I had written on each invitation: "Please have your child bring a sweater."

Monday, March 22, 2004

Mr. Smith

A meek little fellow in a restaurant timidly touched the arm of a man putting on an overcoat. "Excuse me," he said, "but do you happen to be Mr. Smith of Newport?"

"No, I'm not," answered the man impatiently.

"Oh, well you see," continued the first man, "I am, and that's his overcoat you're putting on."

Sunday, March 21, 2004

The Down Side

Wanting to lose weight, a woman placed a picture of a shapely, pinup model INSIDE her refrigerator to remind her of her goal. It worked like a charm as the woman discovered that she had lost ten pounds in the first month of using this method.

The downside to this was that her husband spent so much time going into the fridge to look at the picture that he ended up gaining fifteen pounds!

Saturday, March 20, 2004

Farming

The school of agriculture's dean of admissions was interviewing a prospective student, "Why have you chosen this career?" he asked.

"I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my father," the student replied.

"Your father made a million dollars in farming?" echoed the dean much impressed.

"No," replied the applicant. "But he always dreamed of it."

Friday, March 19, 2004

Signs You're Bored At Work

You've already read the your entire page-a-day calendar for 2004.

You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough produces images of Elvis.

You've figured out a way to get Gilligan off the island.

You decide to see how many Mountain Dews you can drink before the inevitable explosion occurs.

People come into your office only to borrow pencils from your ceiling.

You now require only a single can of cola to belch the names of all seven Dwarfs.

The 4th Division of Paper clips has overrun the Pushpin Infantry, and General White-Out has called for reinforcements.

Thursday, March 18, 2004

What's The Matter?

Guy explains to his doctor, "Doc, when I got up this morning, I put on a pair  of white gloves and started calling my wife Minnie. Then on the way to work I  couldn't help singing 'Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It's off to work I go', and when I got  there I started calling everyone Happy, Grumpy, Dopey and so on.

What's the matter with me?"

"That's easy," replies the doctor. "You're having Disney spells." 

Wednesday, March 17, 2004

Dublin Duo

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us!  I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self! ."

About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again."

Tuesday, March 16, 2004

Seventeen

A man was jumping up and down on a manhole cover screaming at the top of his lungs, "Seventeen!  Seventeen!" Intrigued by the man's insane behavior, another man walks over to him and asks why he is doing that. 

The first man responded, "It's a blast. You have to try it. Jump as high as you can and scream 'Seventeen!' as loud as humanly possible. You get such a rush.  Try it."

Reluctantly, the second man gets on the manhole cover and barely hops and says, "Seventeen?" very timidly.

The first one says, "No, no, no. You're doing it wrong. Jump higher. Yell louder."

So, the second man begins jumping a little higher and speaking louder than normal.  Finally he says, "Hey, you know, I am getting a little bit of a rush.  Seventeen!  Seventeen!"

The man jumps higher and higher, screaming louder and louder.  Suddenly the first man, yanks the manhole cover out from under the second, causing him to fall down the manhole.

The first man replaced the cover and began jumping and screaming, "Eighteen!  Eighteen!"

Monday, March 15, 2004

Mother's Wisdom

I thank God for my mother who taught me well.
Among the many things she taught me was:

LOGIC:  "If your fall off that swing and break your neck, You can't go to the store with me."

MEDICINE:  "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."

TO THINK AHEAD: "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

ESP:  "Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"

TO MEET A CHALLENGE:  "What were you thinking?  Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"

HUMOR:  "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't you come running to me."

BECOME AN ADULT:   "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.

WISDOM of AGE:  "When you get to be my age, you will understand."

GENETICS:  "You're just like your father!"

OUR ROOTS:  "Do you think you were born in a barn?"

ANTICIPATION:  "Just wait until your father gets home."

RECEIVING:  You are going to get it when we get home.

JUSTICE:  "One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Sunday, March 14, 2004

A MAFIA Classic

The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant doesn't answer. The Godfather asks again, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf-mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."

The Godfather says, "Well, ask him where the money is."

The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the three million dollars is. The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about." The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where the money is!"

The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!" The accountant signs back, "Okay! Okay! The money's hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"

The Godfather says, "Well, what did he say?"

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

Saturday, March 13, 2004

Ya Shoulda Seen...

A Vermont farmer bought some land that was still just as it had been before the Pilgrims landed.  He dug up hundreds of stones and built a fence; cut down trees to create a clearing; built a house and a small barn; cleared land for pasture, dug a well and over several years just generally worked his fingers to the bone in creating a small, neat, productive farm.

Eventually his pastor came out for a visit and marveled rather fulsomely, and at great length, at all that "you and God have done together."

"Eh," the farmer said dubiously.  "Ya shoulda seen the place when God ran it on his own."

Friday, March 12, 2004

Same Problem

Joey's teacher sent a note home to his Mother saying, "Joey seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about girls."

The Mother wrote back the next day, "If you find a solution, please advise.  I have the same problem with his Father."

Thursday, March 11, 2004

A teacher was taking her first golf lesson.

"Is the word spelled 'p-u-t' or 'p-u-t-t'?" she asked the instructor.

"'P-u-t-t' is correct," he replied. "'P-u-t' means to place a thing where you want it. 'P-u-t-t' means a vain attempt to do the same thing."

Wednesday, March 10, 2004

Warning

During a recent business trip to Boeing's Everett, Wash., factory, I noticed several 747 and 777 airliners being assembled.

Before the engines were installed, huge weights were hung from the wings to keep the planes balanced.  The solid-steel weights were bright yellow and marked, "14,000 lbs."

But what I found particularly interesting was some stenciling I discovered on the side of each weight.  Imprinted there was the warning: "Remove before flight."

Tuesday, March 9, 2004

Look At Me

"Look at ME!" boasted the fit old man to a group of young people. "Every morning I do fifty push-ups, fifty sit-ups and walk two miles. I'm fit as a fiddle! And you want to know why? I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't stay up late, and I don't chase after women!"

He smiled at them, teeth white, eyes glittering, "And tomorrow, I'm going to celebrate my 95th birthday!"

"Oh, really?" drawled one of the young onlookers, "How?"

Monday, March 8, 2004

For The Kids

Q. What do you call a chicken that crosses the road twice without taking a bath?
A. A dirty double crosser.

Q. Why did the chicken only cross the road halfway?
A. It wanted to lay it on the line.

Q. Why did the fox cross the road?
A. It was after that chicken!

Q. Where does a Horse go when he gets sick?
A. The "Horse-pital."

Q. What did the monkey say when he put his tail on the Railroad tracks?
A. It won't be long now!

Q. What has four wheels and flies?
A. A trash truck.

Q. Why did the boat go to the dock?
A. He was sick.

Q. What did the digital watch say to his mom?
A. "Look mom no hands.

Sunday, March 7, 2004

Popping the Question

At a country-club party a young man was introduced to an attractive girl. Right away he began flattering her outrageously. The girl liked the young man, but she was taken aback by his fast and ardent pitch. She was amazed when after 30 minutes he seriously proposed marriage.

"Look," she said. "We only met a half hour ago. There is no way you could be so sure. We don't know a thing about each other."

"You're wrong," the young man declared. "For the past 5 years I've been working in the bank where your father has his accounts.

Saturday, March 6, 2004

The personnel manager was impressing the applicant with the prospective job.

"We make parts for microscopes.  You'll be required to work with lenses that are ten-thousandths of an inch thick."

"I can handle it," the applicant said, "I used to slice meat in a delicatessen."

Friday, March 5, 2004

A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad."

The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.

"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked.

"Exactly," replied the instructor.

He turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."

Thursday, March 4, 2004

White Hair

One day, a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while, and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of Grandma's hairs are white?"

Wednesday, March 3, 2004

Another Place To Sit

Two American women stopping at the Hotel in Lisbon wanted another chair in their room. The steward who answered their ring could not understand English.

One of the women pointed to the only chair in the room, then tried pantomime, seating herself in an imaginary chair.

With a knowing smile, the steward bowed and motioned for her to follow him. At the end of the corridor, he stopped, smiled, and bowed again, and pointed triumphantly to the door of the Ladies Room.

Tuesday, March 2, 2004

How To Get To Heaven

The Rev. Billy Graham tells of a time early in his career when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon.

Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was.  When the boy told him, Rev. Graham thanked him and said, "If you'll come to the Baptist church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven."

"I don't think I'll be there," the boy said.

"You don't even know your way to the post office."

Monday, March 1, 2004

What I Dun in Texas

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.  When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.

"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINNISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.  He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back!

He saddles-up and starts to ride out of town. The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."