Wednesday, March 31, 2004
A man walked into a
doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He replied,
"I got shingles."
Tuesday, March 30, 2004
On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "We can help you pick your nose!"
On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."
At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
Monday, March 29, 2004
It was the final examination for
an introductory English course at the local university. Like many such freshman
courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 700 students in
the class! The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were
Sunday, March 28, 2004
A minister and lawyer
were chatting at a party:
The minister replied "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go."
Saturday, March 27, 2004
An old snake goes to see his
Friday, March 26, 2004
A man had fallen between the rails
in a subway station. People were all crowding around trying to get him out
before the train ran him over. They were all shouting.
Thursday, March 25, 2004
A man looked at the menu at the
airport restaurant, and saw that the sandwiches were named for planes. "I'll
have a Jumbo Jet," he said. When the order arrived, he was disappointed to see
how small his burger was, but he ate it anyway.
Wednesday, March 24, 2004
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. 'You've got to have a room somewhere,' he pleaded. 'Or just a bed, I don't care where.'
'Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy,' admitted the manager, 'and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you.
''No problem,' the tired Marine assured him. 'I'll take it.'
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. 'How'd you sleep?' asked the manager.
The manager was impressed. 'No problem with the other guy snoring, then?'
'Nope, I shut him up in no time,' said the Marine.
'How'd you manage that?' asked the manager.
'He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,' the Marine explained. 'I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me.'
Tuesday, March 23, 2004
Although we had recently
moved into a new neighborhood, our young son had already made many new friends,
ten of whom were invited to his birthday party. When the happy day arrived and
he opened his presents, I was amazed to see that eight guests had presented him
Monday, March 22, 2004
A meek little fellow in a
restaurant timidly touched the arm of a man putting on an overcoat. "Excuse me,"
he said, "but do you happen to be Mr. Smith of Newport?"
Sunday, March 21, 2004
Wanting to lose weight, a woman placed a picture of a shapely, pinup model INSIDE her refrigerator to remind her of her goal. It worked like a charm as the woman discovered that she had lost ten pounds in the first month of using this method.
The downside to this was that her husband spent so much time going into the fridge to look at the picture that he ended up gaining fifteen pounds!
Saturday, March 20, 2004
The school of agriculture's
dean of admissions was interviewing a prospective student, "Why have you chosen
this career?" he asked.
Friday, March 19, 2004
You've already read the your
entire page-a-day calendar for 2004.
Thursday, March 18, 2004
Guy explains to his doctor,
"Doc, when I got up this morning, I put on a pair of white gloves and started
calling my wife Minnie. Then on the way to work I couldn't help singing 'Hi Ho,
Hi Ho, It's off to work I go', and when I got there I started calling everyone
Happy, Grumpy, Dopey and so on.
Wednesday, March 17, 2004
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks
at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that
you're from Ireland."
About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again."
Tuesday, March 16, 2004
A man was jumping up and down on a manhole cover screaming at the top of his lungs, "Seventeen! Seventeen!" Intrigued by the man's insane behavior, another man walks over to him and asks why he is doing that.
The first man responded, "It's a
blast. You have to try it. Jump as high as you can and scream 'Seventeen!' as
loud as humanly possible. You get such a rush. Try it."
Monday, March 15, 2004
God for my mother who taught me well.
LOGIC: "If your fall off that
swing and break your neck, You can't go to the store with me."
Sunday, March 14, 2004
The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant doesn't answer. The Godfather asks again, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf-mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."
The Godfather says, "Well, ask him where the money is."
The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the three million dollars is. The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about." The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where the money is!"
The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!" The accountant signs back, "Okay! Okay! The money's hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"
The Godfather says, "Well, what did he say?"
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
Saturday, March 13, 2004
farmer bought some land that was still just as it had been before the
Pilgrims landed. He dug up hundreds of stones and built a fence; cut down
trees to create a clearing; built a house and a small barn; cleared land
for pasture, dug a well and over several years just generally worked his
fingers to the bone in creating a small, neat, productive farm.
Friday, March 12, 2004
teacher sent a note home to his Mother saying, "Joey seems to be a very
bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about girls."
Thursday, March 11, 2004
was taking her first golf lesson.
Wednesday, March 10, 2004
During a recent business trip to Boeing's Everett, Wash., factory, I noticed several 747 and 777 airliners being assembled.
Before the engines were installed, huge weights were hung from the wings to keep the planes balanced. The solid-steel weights were bright yellow and marked, "14,000 lbs."
But what I found particularly interesting was some stenciling I discovered on the side of each weight. Imprinted there was the warning: "Remove before flight."
Tuesday, March 9, 2004
ME!" boasted the fit old man to a group of young people. "Every morning I
do fifty push-ups, fifty sit-ups and walk two miles. I'm fit as a fiddle!
And you want to know why? I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't stay up
late, and I don't chase after women!"
Monday, March 8, 2004
do you call a chicken that crosses the road twice without taking a bath?
Sunday, March 7, 2004
country-club party a young man was introduced to an attractive girl. Right
away he began flattering her outrageously. The girl liked the young man,
but she was taken aback by his fast and ardent pitch. She was amazed when
after 30 minutes he seriously proposed marriage.
Saturday, March 6, 2004
personnel manager was impressing the applicant with the prospective job.
Friday, March 5, 2004
A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad."
The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.
"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked.
"Exactly," replied the instructor.
He turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."
Thursday, March 4, 2004
a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the
kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of
white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
Wednesday, March 3, 2004
American women stopping at the Hotel in Lisbon wanted another chair in
their room. The steward who answered their ring could not understand
Tuesday, March 2, 2004
Billy Graham tells of a time early in his career when he arrived in a
small town to preach a sermon.
Monday, March 1, 2004
rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the
locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he
finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.