March 31, 2005
just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring
the husband to wear a bag of sand to give him an idea of what it
feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This
doesn't feel so bad."
The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.
"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife
would do it?" the husband asked.
"Exactly," replied the instructor.
To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said,
"Honey, pick up that pen for me."
March 30, 2005
A Man of His Word
millionaire had fallen ill. Doctors consulted did not seem to understand
what ailed him. The millionaire let it be known that any doctor who could
heal him could have whatever he desired.
A country doctor was able to cure him and as the doctor was leaving after
a week's stay, the Texan said, "Doc! I am a man of my word. You name it
and if it is humanly possible I'll get it for you."
"Well," said the doctor, "I love to play golf, so if I could have a
matching set of golf clubs that would be fine."
With that the doctor left. The doctor didn't hear from the Texas
millionaire for some months. Then one day he got a phone call from the
"Doc, I bet you thought that I had gone back on my word. I have your
matching set of golf clubs. The reason it took so long is that two of them
didn't have swimming pools and I didn't think they were good enough for
ya. So I had pools installed and they're all ready for you now!"
March 29, 2005
his sermon, a preacher announced that he would preach on Noah and the Ark
on the following Sunday, and gave the scriptural reference for the
congregation to read ahead of time.
A couple of boys noticed something interesting about the placement of the
story in the Bible. They slipped into the church and glued two pages of
the pulpit Bible together.
The next Sunday, the preacher got up to read his text. "Noah took unto
himself a wife," he began, "and she was" - he turned the page to continue
- "three hundred cubits long, fifty wide and thirty high."
March 28, 2005
Guard cutters, low-ranking crew members take turns in the galley helping
the cooks. One young seaman aboard was always dropping dishes and spilling
One day, alone in the galley, he noticed an unfrosted yellow sheet cake
cooling on a counter. Determined to rectify past errors, the seaman made
chocolate icing and decorated the cake with it. The seaman stood proudly
by the dessert as the head cook returned to the galley.
Frantically, the cook began to look around. "Where did my CORNBREAD go?"
March 26, 2005
walked up to the loan officer's desk at the bank. "I'd like to borrow some
money," said the frog.
"You're talking to the right person. I'm Thurmond J. Paddywack, the loan
officer. I'm sure we can help you out, but first I have to ask you a few
questions." The loan officer pulled out a blank loan application. "First,
of course, what's your name?"
The frog said, "My name is Kermit Jagger. That's two "g"s in 'Jagger.'"
"Jagger, eh? You wouldn't be related to the singer, Mick Jagger, would
"He's my dad."
"Well, I don't see him much. He doesn't hang around much."
"Pity. Back to the loan: Do you have anything to offer as collateral?"
The frog rummaged around in his backpack and pulled out a tiny, pink
ceramic elephant. "Will this do?"
"What is it?", asked the loan officer.
"I'm not real sure. My father gave it to me, so it must be worth
something. Look, the manager knows me, why don't you take this and go ask
The loan officer took the pink elephant and went into the branch manager's
office. "You're not going to believe this. There's a frog out there asking
for a loan. His name is Kermit Jagger, and he offered this, whatever it
is, as collateral."
The bank manager looked up at the loan officer, looked at the pink
elephant, and then said,
"It's a knicknack, Paddywack.
Give the frog a loan.
His old man's a Rolling Stone."
March 25, 2005
With A Smile
taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS Tax auditor who had come to
review his records.
At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Mr. Carr, we feel it is a great
privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have
an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a
"Thank goodness," returned Mr. Carr, with a giant grin on his face from
ear to ear, "I thought you were going to want me to pay with cash."
March 24, 2005
Taking the Ferry Home
Smith lived in Staten Island, New York and worked in Manhattan. He had to
take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry
and found there was a wait for the next boat, so John decided to stop at a
nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain.
When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from
the dock. Smith, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner,
took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat.
"How did you like that jump, buddy?" said a proud John to a deck hand.
"It was great," said the sailor. "But why didn't you wait? We were just
March 23, 2005
went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her
husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description.
She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an
athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the
The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald,
has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."
The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
March 22, 2005
I was in
the waiting room of my doctor's office the other day when the doctor
started yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!"
I went up to the nurse and asked her what was going on.
She told me that the doctor liked to call the shots.
March 21, 2005
a fellow drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a little too much
at an office reception. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided
not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.
The next night the man and his wife were driving to a restaurant. Suddenly
he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the
passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife
was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out
of the car.
sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That's when he
noticed his wife squirming around in her seat. "Honey," she asked, "have
you seen my other shoe?"
March 20, 2005
man visiting a dude ranch wanted to be macho, so he went out walking with
one of the hired hands.
As they were walking through the barnyard, the visitor tried to begin a
conversation, "Say, look at that big bunch of cows."
The hired hand replied, "Not 'bunch,' but 'herd.'"
"Herd of cows."
"Sure, I've heard of cows... there's a big bunch of 'em right over there."
March 19, 2005
was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy,
playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in
"Fertilizer," the farmer replied.
"What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy.
"Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer.
"You ought to live here," the little boy advised him. "We put sugar and
cream on ours."
March 18, 2005
had to hire a new pastor. Over the protests of one vocal male member, a
woman was hired as the new senior pastor.
After the new pastor had been there a few weeks, a member of the
congregation offered to take then new pastor fishing. The vocal objector
reluctantly agreed to allow them to use his boat and to go along.
The trio got into the boat and motored out on the lake. When they got
ready to fish, they realized that all their tackle had been left on the
dock. One of the men commented that he guess they would just have to go
back and get it.
The pastor said that wouldn't be necessary, and she got out of the boat
and started walking across the water toward the dock.
The old grouch said, "See I told you we never should have hired that
woman. She can't even swim."
March 17, 2005
people don't know that back in 1912 Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured
in England. In fact, the "Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the
condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the
next port of call for the great ship after New York City.
Mexicans were crazy about the stuff.
The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate
("desperados") at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day
of mourning which they still observe today.
It is known, of course, as ...Sinko de Mayo.
March 16, 2005
vacation was over and the teacher asked Little Johnny about his family
trip. "We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota."
The teacher asked, "Good, can you tell the class how you spell that?"
After careful thought, Little Johnny said, "Actually, we went to Ohio."
March 15, 2005
went to get my driver's license renewed, our local Motor Vehicle Bureau
The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally
got his license.
He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was
standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this
The clerk looked at his picture closely, and reassured him, "It's okay.
That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."
March 14, 2005
summer, a drought threatened the crop in a small town. On a hot and dry
Sunday, the village parson told his congregation, "There isn't anything
that will save us except to pray for rain. Go home, pray, believe, and
come back next Sunday ready to thank God for sending rain."
The people did as they were told and returned to church the following
Sunday. But as soon as the parson saw them, he was furious.
"We can't worship today. You do not yet believe," he said.
"But," they protested, "we prayed, and we do believe."
"Do you?" he asked. "Then where are your umbrellas?"
March 13, 2005
bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?" The guy
answers, "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink, and says
"That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking
about? I don't owe you anything for this."
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to
the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which
constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation
The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me
for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."
The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck
are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come
The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place
in my life!" The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny.
You must have a double."
To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."
March 12, 2005
Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm.
He asked his mom, "Where'd we get him?"
His mother replied, "He came from heaven, Johnny."
Johnny says, "WOW! I can see why they threw him out!"
March 11, 2005
A Real Groaner
monsters were swimming around in the ocean, looking for something to do.
They came up underneath a ship that was hauling potatoes. Bob, the first
sea monster, swam underneath the ship, tipped it over and ate everything
on the ship.
A little while later, they came up to another ship, again hauling
potatoes. Bob again capsizes the ship and eats everything onboard.
The third ship they found was also hauling potatoes and Bob once again
capsized it and ate everything.
Finally his buddy Bill asked him, "Why do you keep tipping over those
ships full of potatoes and eating everything on board?"
Bob replied, "I wish I hadn't, but I just can't help myself once I start.
Everyone knows you can't eat just one potato ship."
March 10, 2005
Driving Miss Daisy
elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over
the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The Daisy, woman in
the passenger seat, thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have
sworn we just went through a red light."
few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red
again. Again, they went right through. Daisy was almost sure that the
light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She
was getting nervous.
next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on
through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you
know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have
killed us both!"
turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving?"
March 9, 2005
What A Friend
minister, having served the same church for many years, decided to leave
and take a similar position in another church. Without telling anyone he
had made this decision or writing a letter to the congregation, he waited
until Sunday morning to announce his resignation in church. When he spoke
to the congregation he said, "The same Jesus that called me to this church
many years ago has now called upon me to leave and serve another church."
The choir all stood and sang, "What a Friend We Have in Jesus."
March 8, 2005
time the man next door headed toward Robinson's house, Robinson knew he
was coming to borrow something. "He won't get away with it this time,"
muttered Robinson to his wife. "Watch this."
"Er, I wonder if you'd be using your power-saw this morning," the neighbor
"Gee, I'm awfully sorry," said Robinson with a smug look, "but the fact of
the matter is, I'll be using it all day."
"In that case," said the neighbor, "you won't be using your golf clubs,
mind if I borrow them?"
March 7, 2005
The Good Samaritan
Samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on
the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "do you live here?"
you like me to help you upstairs?"
got up on the second floor, the good person asked, "Is this your
Then the good Samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face
the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who
got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him
through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside,
there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk "Do you live here?"
you like me to help you upstairs?"
So he did
and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back
Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to
him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and
cried "Please officer, protect me from this man. He's been doing nothing
all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator
March 6, 2005
had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to
buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it
when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or
'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"
A small voice from the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher;
she's still old, nasty, and wrinkled"
Saturday, March 5, 2005
Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head of human
resources. "Since I've been with the firm for so long," he said, "I think
I deserve at least a letter of recommendation."
The human resources director agreed and said he'd have the letter that
next day. The following morning, Peters found the letter on his desk. It
read, "Jonathan Peters worked for our company for eleven years. When he
left us, we were very satisfied."
Friday, March 4, 2005
English teacher often wrote little notes on student essays. She was
working late one night, and as the hours passed, her handwriting
The next day a student came to her after class with his essay she had
corrected. "I can't make out this comment you wrote on my paper."
The teacher took the paper, and after squinting at it for a minute,
sheepishly replied, "It says that you need to write more legibly!"
Thursday, March 3, 2005
college co-ed came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some
terrible financial advice!"
"I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad.
"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in
"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the
state," he said. "there must be some mistake."
"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with
a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."
Wednesday, March 2, 2005
Walking on Water
heard a rumor that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all
walked on water on their 21st birthdays.
So, on his 21st birthday, Jacob his good friend Brian headed out to the
lake. "If they did it, I can too!" he insisted.
When Jacob and Brian arrived at the lake, they rented a boat and began
paddling. When the got to the middle of the lake, Jacob stepped off of the
side of the boat... and nearly drowned.
Furious and somewhat shamed, he and Brian headed for home.
When Jacob arrived back at the family farm, he asked his grandmother for
an explanation. "Grandma, why can I not walk on water like my father, and
his father, and his father before him?"
The feeble old grandmother took Jacob by the hands, looked into his eyes,
and explained, "That's because your father, grandfather, and
great-grandfather were born in January... you were born in July, dear."
Tuesday, March 1, 2005
Emergency Room Stories
28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide. The
man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka. When
asked about the bruises about his head and chest he said that they were
from him ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to make the
- The most non-emergency ER visit: A male adolescent came in at 2 a.m.
with a complaint of belly button lint.
- A young female came to the ER with lower abdominal pain. During the exam
and questioning the female denied being sexually active. The doctor gave
her a pregnancy test anyway and it came back positive. The doctor went
back to the young female's room.
Doctor: "The results of your pregnancy test came back positive. Are you
sure you're not sexually active?"
Patient: "Sexually active? No, sir, I just lay there."
Doctor: "I see. Well, do you know who the father is?"
Patient: "No. Who?"
- A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to
the hospital. After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation
attempts the old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went to tell the
lady's 78-year old daughter that her mother didn't make it.
"Didn't make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five