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March, 2005

Thursday,  March 31, 2005

Lamaze Class

A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand  to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad."

The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.

"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked.

"Exactly," replied the instructor.

To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."

Wednesday,  March 30, 2005

A Man of His Word

A Texas millionaire had fallen ill. Doctors consulted did not seem to understand what ailed him. The millionaire let it be known that any doctor who could heal him could have whatever he desired.

A country doctor was able to cure him and as the doctor was leaving after a week's stay, the Texan said, "Doc! I am a man of my word. You name it and if it is humanly possible I'll  get it for you."

"Well," said the doctor, "I love to play golf, so if I could have a matching set of golf clubs that would be fine."

With that the doctor left. The doctor didn't hear from the Texas millionaire for some months. Then one day he got a phone call from the millionaire.

"Doc, I bet you thought that I had gone back on my word. I have your matching set of golf clubs. The reason it took so long is that two of them didn't have swimming pools and I didn't think they were good enough for ya. So I had pools installed and they're all ready for you now!"

Tuesday,  March 29, 2005

Noah

Ending his sermon, a preacher announced that he would preach on Noah and the Ark on the following Sunday, and gave the scriptural reference for the congregation to read ahead of time.

A couple of boys noticed something interesting about the placement of the story in the Bible. They slipped into the church and glued two pages of the pulpit Bible together.

The next Sunday, the preacher got up to read his text. "Noah took unto himself a wife," he began, "and she was" - he turned the page to continue - "three hundred cubits long, fifty wide and thirty high." 

Monday,  March 28, 2005

Oops!

On Coast Guard cutters, low-ranking crew members take turns in the galley helping the cooks. One young seaman aboard was always dropping dishes and spilling food.

One day, alone in the galley, he noticed an unfrosted yellow sheet cake cooling on a counter. Determined to rectify past errors, the seaman made chocolate icing and decorated the cake with it. The seaman stood proudly by the dessert as the head cook returned to the galley.

Frantically, the cook began to look around. "Where did my CORNBREAD go?"

Saturday,  March 26, 2005

A Frog

A frog walked up to the loan officer's desk at the bank. "I'd like to borrow some money," said the frog.

"You're talking to the right person. I'm Thurmond J. Paddywack, the loan officer. I'm sure we can help you out, but first I have to ask you a few questions." The loan officer pulled out a blank loan application. "First, of course, what's your name?"

The frog said, "My name is Kermit Jagger. That's two "g"s  in 'Jagger.'"

"Jagger, eh? You wouldn't be related to the singer, Mick Jagger, would you?"

"He's my dad."

"No kidding?"

"Well, I don't see him much. He doesn't hang around much."

"Pity. Back to the loan: Do you have anything to offer as collateral?"

The frog rummaged around in his backpack and pulled out a tiny, pink ceramic elephant. "Will this do?"

"What is it?", asked the loan officer.

"I'm not real sure. My father gave it to me, so it must be worth something. Look, the manager knows me, why don't you take this and go ask him?"

The loan officer took the pink elephant and went into the branch manager's office. "You're not going to believe this. There's a frog out there asking for a loan. His name is Kermit Jagger, and he offered this, whatever it is, as collateral."

The bank manager looked up at the loan officer, looked at the pink elephant, and then said,
"It's a knicknack, Paddywack.
Give the frog a loan. 
His old man's a Rolling Stone."

Friday,  March 25, 2005

With A Smile

A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS Tax auditor who had come to review his records.

At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Mr. Carr, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile."

"Thank goodness," returned Mr. Carr, with a giant grin on his face from ear to ear, "I thought you were going to want me to pay with cash."

Thursday,  March 24, 2005

Taking the Ferry Home

John Smith lived in Staten Island, New York and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so John decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain.

When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Smith, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat.

"How did you like that jump, buddy?" said a proud John to a deck hand.

"It was great," said the sailor. "But why didn't you wait? We were just pulling in!"

Wednesday,  March 23, 2005

Missing Husband

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description.

She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."

The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."

The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"

Tuesday,  March 22, 2005

Shots

I was in the waiting room of my doctor's office the other day when the doctor started yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!"

I went up to the nurse and asked her what  was going on.

She told me that the doctor liked to call the shots.

Monday,  March 21, 2005

Jealousy

One night a fellow drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a little too much at an office reception. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.

The next night the man and his wife were driving to a restaurant. Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car.

With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That's when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat. "Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"

Sunday,  March 20, 2005

Dude Ranch

A young man visiting a dude ranch wanted to be macho, so he went out walking with one of the hired hands.

As they were walking through the barnyard, the visitor tried to begin a conversation, "Say, look at that big bunch of cows."

The hired hand replied, "Not 'bunch,' but 'herd.'"

"Heard what?"

"Herd of cows."

"Sure, I've heard of cows... there's a big bunch of 'em right over there."

Saturday,  March 19, 2005

Fertilizer

A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?"

"Fertilizer," the farmer replied.

"What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy.

"Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer.

"You ought to live here," the little boy advised him. "We put sugar and cream on ours."

Friday,  March 18, 2005

New Pastor

A church had to hire a new pastor.  Over the protests of one vocal male member, a woman was hired as the new senior pastor.

After the new pastor had been there a few weeks, a member of the congregation offered to take then new pastor fishing.  The vocal objector reluctantly agreed to allow them to use his boat and to go along.

The trio got into the boat and motored out on the lake.  When they got ready to fish, they realized that all their tackle had been left on the dock. One of the men commented that he guess they would just have to go back and get it.

The pastor said that wouldn't be necessary, and she got out of the boat and started walking across the water toward the dock.

The old grouch said, "See I told  you we never should have hired that woman. She can't even swim."

Thursday,  March 17, 2005

Titanic Condiment

Most people don't know that back in 1912 Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England.  In fact, the "Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City.

Mexicans were crazy about the stuff.

The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate ("desperados") at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today.

It is known, of course, as ...Sinko de Mayo.

Wednesday,  March 16, 2005

Vacation

Summer vacation was over and the teacher asked Little Johnny about his family trip. "We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota."

The teacher asked, "Good, can you tell the class how you spell that?"
 
After careful thought, Little Johnny said, "Actually, we went to Ohio."

Tuesday,  March 15, 2005

Grouchy

When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local Motor Vehicle Bureau was packed.

The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.

He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."

The clerk looked at his picture closely, and reassured him, "It's okay. That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."

Monday,  March 14, 2005

Believe

One summer, a drought threatened the crop in a small town. On a hot and dry Sunday, the village parson told his congregation, "There isn't anything that will save us except to pray for rain.  Go home, pray, believe, and come back next Sunday ready to thank God for sending rain."

The people did as they were told and returned to church the following Sunday.  But as soon as the parson saw them, he was furious.

"We can't worship today.  You do not yet believe," he said.

"But," they protested, "we prayed, and we do believe."

"Do you?" he asked.  "Then where are your umbrellas?"

Sunday,  March 13, 2005

Free Drink

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?" The guy answers, "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"

The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!" The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."

To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."

Saturday,  March 12, 2005

Little Johnny

Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm.

He asked his mom, "Where'd we get him?"

His mother replied, "He came from heaven, Johnny."

Johnny says, "WOW! I can see why they threw him out!"

Friday,  March 11, 2005

A Real Groaner

Two sea monsters were swimming around in the ocean, looking for something to do.  They came up underneath a ship that was hauling potatoes.  Bob, the first sea monster, swam underneath the ship, tipped it over and ate everything on the ship.

A little while later, they came up to another ship, again hauling potatoes.  Bob again capsizes the ship and eats everything onboard.

The third ship they found was also hauling potatoes and Bob once again capsized it and ate everything.

Finally his buddy Bill asked him, "Why do you keep tipping over those ships full of potatoes and eating everything on board?"

Bob replied, "I wish I hadn't, but I just can't help myself once I start.  Everyone knows you can't eat just one potato ship."

Thursday,  March 10, 2005

Driving Miss Daisy

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The Daisy, woman in the passenger seat, thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. Daisy was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving?"

Wednesday,  March 9, 2005

What A Friend

A minister, having served the same church for many years, decided to leave and take a similar position in another church. Without telling anyone he had made this decision or writing a letter to the congregation, he waited until Sunday morning to announce his resignation in church. When he spoke to the congregation he said, "The same Jesus that called me to this church many years ago has now called upon me to leave and serve another church."

The choir all stood and sang, "What a Friend We Have in Jesus."

Tuesday,  March 8, 2005

Robinson

Every time the man next door headed toward Robinson's house, Robinson knew he was coming to borrow something. "He won't get away with it this time," muttered Robinson to his wife. "Watch this."

"Er, I wonder if you'd be using your power-saw this morning," the neighbor began.

"Gee, I'm awfully sorry," said Robinson with a smug look, "but the fact of the matter is, I'll be using it all day."

"In that case," said the neighbor, "you won't be using your golf clubs, mind if I borrow them?"

Monday,  March 7, 2005

The Good Samaritan

A good Samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "do you live here?"

"Yep".

"Would you like me to help you upstairs?"

"Yep".

When they got up on the second  floor, the good person asked, "Is this your floor?"

"Yep".

Then the good Samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk "Do you live here?"

"Yep".

"Would you like me to help you upstairs?"

"Yep".

So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs.

Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried "Please officer, protect me from this man. He's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!"

Sunday,  March 6, 2005

The Photograph

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"

A small voice from the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher;  she's still old, nasty, and wrinkled"

Saturday,  March 5, 2005

Recommendation

When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head of human resources. "Since I've been with the firm for so long," he said, "I think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation."

The human resources director agreed and said he'd have the letter that next day.  The following morning, Peters found the letter on his desk. It read, "Jonathan Peters worked for our company for eleven years.  When he left us, we were very satisfied."

Friday,  March 4, 2005

English Teacher

An English teacher often wrote little notes on student essays. She was working late one night, and as the hours passed, her handwriting deteriorated.

The next day a student came to her after class with his essay she had corrected. "I can't make out this comment you wrote on my paper."

The teacher took the paper, and after squinting at it for a minute, sheepishly replied, "It says that you need to write more legibly!"

Thursday,  March 3, 2005

Big Banks

A young college co-ed came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!"

"I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad.

"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble."

"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the state," he said. "there must be some mistake."

"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."

Wednesday,  March 2, 2005

Walking on Water

Jacob heard a rumor that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all walked on water on their 21st birthdays.

So, on his 21st birthday, Jacob his good friend Brian headed out to the lake. "If they did it, I can too!" he insisted.

When Jacob and Brian arrived at the lake, they rented a boat and began paddling. When the got to the middle of the lake, Jacob stepped off of the side of the boat... and nearly drowned.

Furious and somewhat shamed, he and Brian headed for home.

When Jacob arrived back at the family farm, he asked his grandmother for an explanation. "Grandma, why can I not walk on water like my father, and his father, and his father before him?"

The feeble old grandmother took Jacob by the hands, looked into his eyes, and explained, "That's because your father, grandfather, and great-grandfather were born in January... you were born in July, dear."

Tuesday,  March 1, 2005

Emergency Room Stories

- A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide. The man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka. When asked about the bruises about his head and chest he said that they were from him ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode.

- The most non-emergency ER visit: A male adolescent came in at 2 a.m. with a complaint of belly button lint.

- A young female came to the ER with lower abdominal pain. During the exam and questioning the female denied being sexually active. The doctor gave her a pregnancy test anyway and it came back positive. The doctor went back to the young female's room.
Doctor: "The results of your pregnancy test came back positive. Are you sure you're not sexually active?"
Patient: "Sexually active? No, sir, I just lay there."
Doctor: "I see. Well, do you know who the father is?"
Patient: "No. Who?"

- A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the hospital. After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts the old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year old daughter that her mother didn't make it.
"Didn't make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!"