Friday, March 31, 2006
A man traveling in southern Indiana was headed for the Kentucky border ...when he saw a large sign which read:
"LAST CHANCE FOR $2.50 GAS!!!"
He still had more than a quarter of a tank left, but figured he'd better take advantage of this opportunity to fill-up his tank.
As he was getting his change from the attendant, he asked, "How much is gas in Kentucky?"
The attendant replied, " $2.40 ".
Thursday, March 30, 2006
account executive at a stock-and-bond firm telephoned an elderly woman
client who had purchased her first stock - one hundred shares of Proctor &
Gamble. He told her that he had just heard they were going to split.
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
had always been a prankster. As each of his friends were married, Bill
made sure some type of practical joke was played upon them. Now ready to
be married himself, he was dreading the payback he knew was coming.
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
The sheriff of a small town was also the town's veterinarian.
One night the phone rang, and his wife answered. An agitated voice inquired, "Is your husband there?"
"Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a vet?" the wife asked.
"Both!" was the reply. "We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it."?
Monday, March 27, 2006
Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw his wife flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man started to scream for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars."
The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred?"
man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought
it was my wife. But it's actually my mother-in-law."
Sunday, March 26, 2006
the neighbor down the street was home every day, so after a few weeks I asked
him what was going on.
Turns out my neighbor's boss got sick and tired of him.
Saturday, March 25, 2006
Bang Mai Ne ----------- I bumped into the coffee table
Friday, March 24, 2006
having served the same church for many years, decided to leave and take a
similar position in another church.
Thursday, March 23, 2006
A customer moves away
from a bank window, counts his change, and then goes back and says to the
cashier, "Hey, you gave me the wrong change!"
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
For my husband's birthday, I gave him a state-of-the-art metal detector. He excitedly took his new toy to the back yard to try it out.
When he scattered some change on the ground, it seemed to work fine. Then, even when he wasn't near the coins, the thing kept going off. Over and over, he adjusted and readjusted with no luck. After watching him for a while, I said, "I think I know what's wrong."
"I know what I'm doing!" he snapped.
After 20 minutes, he finally turned to me. "Okay, what's wrong?"
"You're standing over the septic tank," I said.
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
A clever elderly
woman decided to have her portrait painted, so she told the artist, "Paint
me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, an emerald bracelet, and a
Monday, March 20, 2006
A mathematician, an
accountant and an economist apply for the same job. The interviewer calls
in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?"
Sunday, March 19, 2006
A French guest,
staying in a hotel called room service for some pepper.
Saturday, March 18, 2006
An elderly gentleman checked into a New York hotel. The clerk mentioned the phone service the establishment made available for calling guests who wished to rise at an early hour.
"No need for that, young man," snapped the old timer. "I always wake up at five A.M. sharp - without an alarm clock."
"Very good, sir," the clerk replied, then asked, "Would you mind calling me at six?"
Friday, March 17, 2006
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy
looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to
you, that you're from Ireland."
About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again."
Thursday, March 16, 2006
Read aloud for best
results (and some semblance of comprehension). Be warned, you're going to find
yourself talking "funny" for a while after reading this. It was nominated "best
email of 1997".
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
Married life can be very frustrating.
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
Getting away from
their high-stress jobs, a couple spends relaxing weekends in their motor
home. When they found their peace and quiet disturbed by
well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers, they devised a
plan to assure themselves some privacy.
Monday, March 13, 2006
My wife, a flight
attendant for a major airline, watched one day as a passenger with
overloaded bags tried to stuff his belongings into the overhead bin of the
plane. Finally, she informed him that he would have to check the
Sunday, March 12, 2006
A man walked into
a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me.
I can't go on like this."
Saturday, March 11, 2006
A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought and very sad. He was just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispered as she stepped into the room.
"Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looked up from his coffee. "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asked.
"Yes, I do" she replied. The husband paused. The words were not coming easily.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued.. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that too" she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."
Friday, March 10, 2006
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'"
Thursday, March 9, 2006
One Sunday a pastor asked his congregation to consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had contributed a $1,000 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation, and said he'd like to personally thank the person who had placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly widow shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."
Wednesday, March 8, 2006
"You just go ahead," the man in the shopping mall said to his
wife. "While you're shopping, I'll browse in the hardware store."
Tuesday, March 7, 2006
A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer
standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to
the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there,
doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all
the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Excuse me mister, but what are
Monday, March 6, 2006
A couple months ago, I entered a contest and ended up winning a few acres of swamp land below the flood plane in Mississippi.
Before I knew it, right after that I won a $250,000 house, so naturally I built it on my new land. So I quit my job and moved down there for good.
And just last night, as I sat on my new porch watching the rain and listening to the thunder, it all started to sink in.
Sunday, March 5, 2006
A minister, having served the same church for many years, decided to leave and take a similar position in another church. Without telling anyone he had made this decision or writing a letter to the congregation, he waited until Sunday morning to announce his resignation in church.
When he spoke to the congregation he said, "The same Jesus that called me to this church many years ago has now called upon me to leave and serve another church."
The choir all stood and sang, "What a Friend We Have in Jesus."
Saturday, March 4, 2006
A young guy in a
two-engine fighter was flying escort for a B-52 and generally being a nuisance,
acting like a hotdog, flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber.
Friday, March 3, 2006
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it!
Thursday, March 2, 2006
The little church in the
suburbs suddenly stopped buying from its regular office supply dealer. So, the
dealer telephoned Deacon Brown to ask why.
...each stamped with the words, 'Play Golf Next Sunday.'"
Wednesday, March 1, 2006
After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided I'm going to be a minister when I grow up.
"That's okay with us," the mother said, "But what made you
decide to be a minister?"