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March, 2006

Friday,  March 31, 2006

Last Chance

A man traveling in southern Indiana was headed for the Kentucky border ...when he saw a large sign which read:

"LAST CHANCE FOR $2.50 GAS!!!"

He still had more than a quarter of a tank left, but figured he'd better take advantage of this opportunity to fill-up his tank.

As he was getting his change from the attendant, he asked, "How much is gas in Kentucky?"

The attendant replied, " $2.40 ".

Thursday,  March 30, 2006

Stock Split

An account executive at a stock-and-bond firm telephoned an elderly woman client who had purchased her first stock - one hundred shares of Proctor & Gamble.  He told her that he had just heard they were going to split.

"Oh! What a shame." she lamented. "I'm so sorry to hear that. And, they've been together for so long, too."

Wednesday,  March 29, 2006

Paybacks

Bill had always been a prankster. As each of his friends were married, Bill made sure some type of practical joke was played upon them. Now ready to be married himself, he was dreading the payback he knew was coming.

Surprisingly, the ceremony went off without a hitch. No one stood up during the pause to offer a reason 'why this couple should not be married'. His reception wasn't disrupted by streakers or smoke-bombs, and the car the couple was to take on their honeymoon was in perfect working order.

When the couple arrived at their hotel and entered the room, Bill even checked for cornflakes in the bed (a gag he had always loved). Nothing, it seemed, was amiss. Satisfied that he had come away unscathed, the couple fell into bed.

Upon waking, the couple was ravenous so Bill called down to room service and asked, "I'd like to order breakfast for two."

At that moment, a soft voice from under the bed said, "Make that five."

Tuesday,  March 28, 2006

Both!

The sheriff of a small town was also the town's veterinarian.

One night the phone rang, and his wife answered. An agitated voice inquired, "Is your husband there?"

"Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a vet?" the wife asked.

"Both!" was the reply. "We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it."?

Monday,  March 27, 2006

Save My Wife

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw his wife flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man started to scream for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her.  I'll give you a hundred dollars."

The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred?"

The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But it's actually my mother-in-law."

The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?

Sunday,  March 26, 2006

The Truth Is

I noticed the neighbor down the street was home every day, so after a few weeks I asked him what was going on.

He replied, "I left my job because of illness and fatigue."

A few weeks later, his wife gave me the real truth of what happened.

Turns out my neighbor's boss got sick and tired of him.

Saturday,  March 25, 2006

Learn Chinese

Ai Bang Mai Ne ----------- I bumped into the coffee table
Ar U Wun Tu -------------- A gay liberation greeting
Chin Tu Fat -------------- You need a face lift
Hu Flung Dung ------------ Which one of you fertilized the field?
Hu Yu Hai Ding ----------- We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugutive
Jan Ne Ka Sun ------------ A former late night talk show host
Lao Ze Sho --------------- Gilligan's Island
Lin Ching ---------------- An illegal execution
Tai Ne Bae Be ------------ A premature infant
Tai Ne Po Ne ------------- A small horse
Ten Ding Ba -------------- Serving drinks to people
Wa Shing Kah ------------- Cleaning an automobile
Wai So Dim --------------- Are you trying to save electricity?
Wai U Shao Ting ---------- There is no reason to raise your voice

Friday,  March 24, 2006

What A Friend

A minister, having served the same church for many years, decided to leave and take a similar position in another church.

Without telling anyone he had made this decision or writing a letter to the congregation, he waited until Sunday morning to announce his resignation in church.

When he spoke to the congregation he said, "The same Jesus that called me to this church many years ago has now called upon me to leave and serve another church."

Just then the choir all stood and sang, "What a Friend We Have in Jesus."

Thursday,  March 23, 2006

Bank Policy

A customer moves away from a bank window, counts his change, and then goes back and says to the cashier,  "Hey, you gave me the wrong change!"

"Sir, you stepped away from the counter," said the cashier. "We don't make corrections after you leave. There's nothing I can do about it now.  That's the policy of this bank."

"Well, ok," answered the customer. "Just thought you'd like to know that you gave me an extra twenty. Bye."

Wednesday,  March 22, 2006

Metal Detector

For my husband's birthday, I gave him a state-of-the-art metal detector. He excitedly took his new toy to the back yard to try it out.

When he scattered some change on the ground, it seemed to work fine. Then, even when he wasn't near the coins, the thing kept going off. Over and over, he adjusted and readjusted with no luck.  After watching him for a while, I said, "I think I know what's wrong."

"I know what I'm doing!" he snapped.

After 20 minutes, he finally turned to me.  "Okay, what's wrong?"

"You're standing over the septic tank," I said.

Tuesday,  March 21, 2006

The Portrait

A clever elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted, so she told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, an emerald bracelet, and a gold Rolex."

"But you're not wearing any of those things!" the artist pointed out.

"I know," she said. "It's in case I die before my husband. If he remarries right away, I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."

Monday,  March 20, 2006

The Job Interview

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job. The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?"

The mathematician replies "Four."

The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."

Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?"

The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?"

Sunday,  March 19, 2006

Pepper

A French guest, staying in a hotel called room service for some pepper.

"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.

"Toilette  pepper!"

Saturday,  March 18, 2006

Wake Up Call

An elderly gentleman checked into a New York hotel. The clerk mentioned the phone service the establishment made available for calling guests who wished to rise at an early hour. 

"No need for that, young man," snapped the old timer. "I always wake up at five A.M. sharp - without an alarm clock."

"Very good, sir," the clerk replied, then asked, "Would you mind calling me at six?"

DUBLIN DUO

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us!  I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self! ."

About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again."

"Tendjewberrymud"

Read aloud for best results (and some semblance of comprehension). Be warned, you're going to find yourself talking "funny" for a while after reading this. It was nominated "best email of 1997".

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia which was recorded and  published in the Far East Economic Review...

Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees"
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service"
RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"
G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS : "Hokay. An San tos?"
G: "What?"
RS:"San tos. July San tos?"
G: "I don't think so"
RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes 'means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.'
Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bother?"
G: "No..just put the bother on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Sorry?"
RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"
G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem,tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say"
RS: "Tendjewberrymud"
G: "You're welcome"

Married life can be very frustrating.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Getting away from their high-stress jobs, a couple spends relaxing weekends in their motor home.  When they found  their peace and quiet disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers, they devised a plan  to assure themselves some privacy.

Now, when they set up camp, they place this sign on the door of their RV:
  
"Insurance agent.  Ask about our term-life package."

My wife, a flight attendant for a major airline, watched one day as a passenger with overloaded bags tried to stuff his belongings into the overhead bin of the plane.  Finally, she informed him that he would have to check the oversized luggage.

"When I fly other airlines," he said irritably, "I don't have this problem."

My wife smiled and replied, "When you fly other airlines, I don't have this problem either."

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me.  I can't go on like this."

"What's the problem?" the doctor inquired.

"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies.  No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."

"My friend, this is not a serious problem.  You just need to work on your self-esteem.  Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror.  Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person.  But say it with real conviction.  Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited.  Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.  "Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.

"It worked alright.  For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."

"So, what's your problem?"

"I don't have a problem," the man replied.  "My wife does."

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought and very sad.  He was just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispered as she stepped into the room.

"Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looked up from his coffee. "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asked.

"Yes, I do" she replied. The husband paused. The words were not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued.. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.

"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'"

One Sunday a pastor asked his congregation to consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had contributed a $1,000 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation, and said he'd like to personally thank the person who had placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly, saintly widow shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

"You just go ahead," the man in the shopping mall said to his wife. "While you're shopping, I'll browse in the hardware store."

An hour later, she returned and saw him at the checkout counter. The clerk was ringing up the last of a pile of tools and supplies that would fill two wheelbarrows.

"Are you buying all this?" his wife asked incredulously.

"Well, yes," he said, embarrassed. Then waving his arm toward the interior of the store, he added, "But look at all the stuff I'm leaving behind."

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."

A couple months ago, I entered a contest and ended up winning a few acres of swamp land below the flood plane in Mississippi.

Before I knew it, right after that I won a $250,000 house, so naturally I built it on my new land. So I quit my job and moved down there for good.

And just last night, as I sat on my new porch watching the rain and listening to the thunder, it all started to sink in.

A minister, having served the same church for many years, decided to leave and take a similar position in another church. Without telling anyone he had made this decision or writing a letter to the congregation, he waited until Sunday morning to announce his resignation in church.

When he spoke to the congregation he said, "The same Jesus that called me to this church many years ago has now called upon me to leave and serve another church."

The choir all stood and sang, "What a Friend We Have in Jesus."

Try This

A young guy in a two-engine fighter was flying escort for a B-52 and generally being a nuisance, acting like a hotdog, flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber.

The hotdog said over the air, "Anything you can do, I can do better."

The veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this hot-shot." The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level.

Perplexed, the hotdog asked, "So? What did you do?"

"I just shut down two engines, kid."

Set It Free

If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.

If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.

If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it!

Pencils

The little church in the suburbs suddenly stopped buying from its regular office supply dealer. So, the dealer telephoned Deacon Brown to ask why.

"I'll tell you why," scolded Deacon Brown. "Our church ordered some pencils from you to be used in the pews for visitors to register."

"Well, interrupted the dealer, "didn't you receive them yet?"

"Oh, we received them all right," replied Deacon Brown.

"However, you sent us some golf pencils...

...each stamped with the words, 'Play Golf Next Sunday.'"

After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided I'm going to be a minister when I grow up.

"That's okay with us," the mother said, "But what made you decide to be a minister?"

"Well," the boy replied, "I'll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit still and listen.