Saturday, March 31, 2007
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted
with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.
Friday, March 30, 2007
Tommy went to confession on Friday and said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
"What are your sins, my son?"
"I kissed a girl after school yesterday."
"Who was it, Tommy?"
"I cannot tell you Father, I would feel bad."
"Was it Mary Donovan?" he asked.
"No Father, please forgive me, but I cannot tell you who it was."
"Was it Catherine McKenzie?"
"No Father," he replied.
"Well then it has to be Sarah Martha O'Keefe?"
"No Father, please forgive me, I cannot tell you who it was."
"Okay, Tommy, I want you to say five Hail Mary's and four Our Fathers for your sin."
So Tommy walked out to the pews where his friend Joseph was waiting. "What did ya get?" asked Joseph.
"I got five Hail Mary's, four Our Fathers, and three good leads."
Thursday, March 29, 2007
A tornado hit a Kansas farmhouse just before dawn one morning. It tore off the roof, and picked up the beds on which the farmer and his wife slept were sleeping. By some miracle, the tornado set them down unharmed the next county over. The wife was sobbing uncontrollably.
"Don't be scared, Mary," her husband said. "We're not hurt."
Mary continued to cry. "I'm not scared," she said between sobs. "I'm happy... this is the first time in 14 years we've been out together."
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
My wife and I both take a group of natural supplements after dinner, but not all the same ones. We keep them on a lazy Susan, and she works through bottle by bottle, putting some in one bowl and some in the other as she spins. I asked her how she keeps it straight, knowing who's bowl is who's.
She said "It's easy, your bowl is on the left, and I'm always right."
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.
As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"
At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the heavens, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"
"Come on God, give me a break!!" the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"
Monday, March 26, 2007
The new patient was sharing his woes with an understanding doctor: "After the first, I'm usually tired and winded, Doc. After the second, my chest aches and I start getting pains in my legs. After the third, I feel like fainting and it takes half-an-hour for my heart and respiration to return to normal."
"Why don't you quit after the first?" inquired the doctor.
"How can I do that, Doc?" said the patient. "I live on the third."
Sunday, March 25, 2007
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is."
"Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office.
At 10 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses.
At 1 PM, a foil wrapped , two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived.
Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.
The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home . "First the flowers then the chocolates, and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful 'Groundhog Day' in all my life!"
Saturday, March 24, 2007
NASA planned a mission that involved three astronauts spending two years in space. Because of the extended duration, each was allowed to take 200 pounds of baggage, with no restrictions. The first astronaut decided to take along his wife, the second decided to take along books to learn how to speak German, while the third astronaut decided to take along cigarettes.
Two years later, when the space shuttle landed, there was a big crowd waiting to welcome them home.
First came the first astronaut and his wife and each of them had a baby in their arms.
Next, out came the second astronaut speaking fluent German. They both gave their speeches and got a rousing applause.
Suddenly out came the third astronaut with a cigarette in his mouth. He walked up to the podium and snarled to the crowd and asked,
"Anybody got a match??"
Friday, March 23, 2007
When my grandmother was in her eighties, she decided to move to Israel. As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all of her medical charts. The doctor asked her how she was doing, and she gave him the normal litany of complaints: this hurts, that's stiff, I'm tireder and slower, etc., etc., etc.
He responded with, "Mrs. Weiss, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?"
My grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, "Anyone who's 99."
Thursday, March 22, 2007
One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed extra money for a new roof. He asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual into the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 check in the offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly looking lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front.
Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket. He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license.
The fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Everyday I come done to the water and whistle and these lobster jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day."
The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license. The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the lobsters back into the water.
The warden says, "Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water."
The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "What lobsters?"
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Flynn staggered home very late
after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to
avoid waking his wife, Mary.
Monday, March 19, 2007
A manager has to take on some sport by his doctor so he decides to play tennis. After a couple of weeks his secretary asks him how he's doing. "It's going fine", the manager says, "When I'm on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me my brain immediately says: To the corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!".
"Really? What happens then?", the girl asks enthusiastic.
"Then my body says: Who? Me? Don't talk nonsense!"
Sunday, March 18, 2007
In the beginning God created the Heavens and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And Satan said, "It doesn't get any better than this."
And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. Then God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good. And Satan said, "There goes the neighborhood."
And God said, "Let us make Man
in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of
the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the
Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth." So
God created Man in His own image; male and female created He them. And God
looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit. And God
created the healthful yogurt, that Woman might keep her figure that Man found so
fair. And Satan brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 lb. And
God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad." And Satan brought forth Ben & Jerry's.
And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them." And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 lb. and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds. And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds. And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."
So then God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also. Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. And Satan created McDonald's. McDonald's brought forth the $.99 double cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?" And Man said, "Supersize them." And Man gained 5 pounds. And Satan saw and said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. And Satan smiled and created HMOs.
Saturday, March 17, 2007
Patty O'Connor walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
So, the bartender does just that and hands Patty a bill for $57.00. O'Connor says, "I haven't got it."
The bartender slaps Patty around a few times then throws him out into the street.
The very next day O'Connor walks into the bar and once again says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."
The bartender looks at Patty and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands Patty a bill for $67.00. O'Connor says, "I haven't got it."
The bartender can't believe it. He picks Patty up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street.
The next day O'Connor walks back into the same bar and says, "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill. In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?"
Patty replies, "You? No way! You get too violent when you drink."
Friday, March 16, 2007
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.
"That is the talking clock," the man replied.
"How's it work?"
"Watch," the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "Knock it off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!"
Thursday, March 15, 2007
A motorist driving by a Texas ranch hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.
"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."
The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer. "Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It's post-dated six years from now."
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Frank and Bernadette went to a "Dude Ranch" while in Texas. The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or English saddle, and she asked what the difference was. He told her one had a horn and one didn't.
Bernadette replied, "The one without the horn is fine. I don't expect we'll run into too much traffic out here."
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
In Miami, the jurors in a multi-billion dollar lawsuit against the tobacco industry were ordered by the judge to not see the new movie "The Insider", because it might influence their verdict. He also ordered them not to see "The House on Haunted Hill".
The prosecutor was surprised to hear this instruction and he said "I understand why you've instructed the jurors to not see 'The Insider', but why should they avoid the second movie, your honor?".
Being quick and to the point, the judge firmly stated "Because it stinks!"
Monday, March 12, 2007
A guy calls up his ex-wife and, disguising his voice, asks to speak to himself. "Sorry, he doesn't live here anymore, we're divorced!"
Next day, the guy does the same thing with the same results.
He does this everyday for a week, and finally his ex-wife realizes who it is that keeps calling. "Look, Bozo! We're divorced! Finished! End of story! When are you going to get that through your fat head?"
"Oh, I know! I just can't hear it enough!"
Sunday, March 11, 2007
A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and grandpa Morris gets out. The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park...and couldn't find his way home.
"Oy Morris", said grandma, "You've been going to that park for over 30 years! So how could you get lost?"
Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear. Morris whispered, "I wasn't lost.....I was just too tired to walk home."
Saturday, March 10, 2007
The doctor came to see one of his patients in a hospital. The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands.
"Doctor," says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands. "Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?"
"I don't see why not," replies the doctor.
"That's funny," says the man. "I wasn't able to play it before."
Friday, March 9, 2007
A large two-engine train was crossing the country. After they had gone some distance, one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the engineer thought and carried on at half power. Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down and the train came to a standstill.
The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement, "Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news.
The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time.
The good news is that you're not in an airplane."
Thursday, March 8, 2007
A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant; first, he'd asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, walking back and forth and never once getting angry. So finally, a second customer asked why didn't they just throw out the pest.
"Oh, I don't care." said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."
Wednesday, March 7, 2007
A troop of Boy Scouts was being used as "guinea pigs" in a test of emergency systems. A mock earthquake was staged, and the Scouts impersonated wounded persons who were to be picked up and cared for by the emergency units. One Scout was supposed to lie on the ground and await his rescuers, but the first-aid people got behind schedule, and the Scout lay "wounded" for several hours.
When the first-aid squad arrived where the casualty was supposed to be, they found nothing but a brief note: "Have bled to death and gone home..."
Tuesday, March 6, 2007
Hearing about a dinosaur alive in the rain forests of South America, a professor launches a scientific expedition. After several weeks he stumbles upon a little man wearing a loincloth, standing near a 300-foot-long dead dinosaur.
The scientist can't believe his eyes. "Did you kill this dinosaur?" he asks.
"Yep," replies the rain-forest native.
"But it's so big and you're so small! How did you kill it?"
"With my club," the primitive fellow answered.
"How big is your club?"
"Well, there are about 100 of us..."
Monday, March 5, 2007
One enemy decoy, built in occupied Holland, led to a tale that has been told and retold ever since by veteran allied pilots. The German decoy "airfield," constructed with meticulous care, was made almost entirely of wood. There were wooden hangars, oil tanks, gun emplacements, trucks, and aircraft.
The Germans took so long in building their wooden decoy that allied photo experts had more than enough time to observe and report it.
The day finally came when the decoy was finished, down to the last wooden plank. And early the following morning, a lone RAF plane crossed the Channel, came in low, circled the field once, and dropped a large wooden bomb.
Sunday, March 4, 2007
After a recent move, I made up a list of companies, agencies, and services that needed to know my new address and phoned each one to ask for the change to be made. Everything went smoothly until I called one of my frequent flier accounts. After I explained to the representative what I wanted to do, the woman told me, "I'm sorry; we can't do that over the phone. You will have to fill out our change-of-address form."
"How do I get one of those?" I asked.
"We'd be happy to provide you with one," she said pleasantly. "May I have your new address so that I can mail it to you?"
Saturday, March 3, 2007
There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.
One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered. "Yes, Yes, I will."
The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory.
With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?" He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart."
Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
Friday, March 2, 2007
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.
It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words, "Uh-oh," it's already too late.
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
Thursday, March 1, 2007
A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along.
"I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!"
"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said.
The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait."