Monday, March 31, 2008
Dear John: I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours? Jane
Dear John: I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be? Yours, Jane
Sunday, March 30, 2008
A little old lady was going up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say, "Super sex! Super sex!"
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. She flipped her gown in front of him and said, "Super sex".
He sat silently for a moment or two looking up at her. Then he finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Three Insurance salesmen were having drinks and boasting about each companies' service.
The first one said, "When one of our insured died suddenly on Monday, we got the news that evening and were able to process the claim for the wife and mailed a check on Wednesday evening."
The second one said, "When one of our insured died without warning on Monday, we learned of it in 2 hours and were able to hand-deliver a check the same evening."
The last salesman said, "That's nothing. Our office is on the 20th floor, in the Sears Tower. One of our insured who was washing a window on the 85th floor, slipped and fell. We handed him his check as he passed our floor."
Friday, March 28, 2008
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar... So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.
The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear...."
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Showing his friend around his home, Fred started to point out all of the collectibles he and his wife had acquired over their long years of marriage.
"The day before I die, I'd like to sell every piece we've got just to see how much it's all worth."
"But you couldn't possibly know the day before you were going to die, so how could you sell it."
"Simple: If I sell it, my wife would kill me!"
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
The Pope and Senator Hillary
Rodham Clinton are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd. 'Her
Majesty' and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to make it
a little more interesting, the senator says to the Pope, "Did you know
that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the
crowd go wild?"
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
The crumbling, old church building needed remodeling, so the preacher made an impassioned appeal, looking directly at the richest man in town. At the end of the message, the rich man stood up and announced, "Pastor, I will contribute $1,000."
Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder. He promptly stood again and shouted, "Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000."
Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and again he virtually screamed, "Pastor, I will double my last pledge."
He sat down, and an larger chunk of plaster fell hitting him on the head. He stood once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will give $20,000!"
This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!"
Monday, March 24, 2008
Driving home from church one Sunday, the father tuned the radio to a country and western station.
"How can you stand that stuff?" complained his 16-year-old son. "It's all about lonesome cowboys, gunfights and broken hearts."
Knowing he preferred rock 'n' roll, the dad asked, "Well, what's your music about?"
"That's the beauty of it," the son said. "You just don't know!"
Sunday, March 23, 2008
A professor was giving a lecture on company slogans in a college advertising and marketing class.
"Joe," he asked, "which company has the slogan, 'Come fly the friendly skies'?"
"United." Joe answered.
"Brenda, can you tell me which company has the slogan, "Don't leave home without it?"
Brenda answered the correct credit card company with no difficulty.
"Now John, Tell me which company uses the slogan, 'Just do it'?"
And John answered, "Mom."
Saturday, March 22, 2008
The big red "F" stared back at him. Freddie looked at his glum friend and asked, "Why did you get such a low grade on that test?"
"Because of an absence," Johnny answered.
"You mean you were absent on the day of the test?" he questioned.
Little Johnny replied, "No, but the kid who sits next to me was."
Friday, March 21, 2008
A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, "When did you bag him?"
The host said proudly, "That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my ex-wife."
"What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter.
"My ex-wife" replied the hunter.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
A man entered a stationery store and asked the clerk for a birthday/anniversary card.
The clerk replied, "We have birthday cards and we have anniversary cards. Why not take one of each?"
The man said, "You don't understand. I need a card that covers *both* events! You see, we're celebrating the fifth anniversary of my wife's thirty-fourth birthday..."
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
An Irish priest is driving down to
New York and gets stopped for speeding in
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees
an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important
meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he
said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go
to Mass every Sunday for
the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"
Monday, March 17, 2008
There was a church where the preacher and the song leader were not getting along. As time went by this began to spill over into the worship service.
The first week the preacher preached on commitment and how we all should dedicate ourselves to the service of God. The song leader lead the song "I Shall not be Moved."
The second week the preacher preached on tithing and how we all should gladly give to the work of the Lord. The song leader lead the song "Jesus Paid it All."
The third week the preacher preached on gossiping and how we should all watch our tongues. The song leader led the song "I Love to Tell the Story."
With all this going on, the preacher became very disgusted over the situation and the following Sunday told the congregation that he was considering resigning. The song leader lead the song "Oh Why Not Tonight?"
As it came to pass, the preacher did indeed resign. The next week he informed the church that it was Jesus who led him there and it was Jesus that was taking him away. The song leader lead the song "What a Friend We Have in Jesus."
Sunday, March 16, 2008
The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read:
"I'm the Boss!"
He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:
"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
Saturday, March 15, 2008
While practicing auto-rotations during a military night training exercise, a Huey Cobra screwed up the landing and landed on the tail rotor. The landing was so hard that it broke off the tail boom. However, the chopper fortunately remained upright on its skids, sliding down the runway doing 360s. As the Cobra slid past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks, this was the radio exchange that took place...
Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?"
Cobra: "I don't know, tower, we ain't done crashin' yet."
Friday, March 14, 2008
A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?"
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "So, Son, what does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy. It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'"
Thursday, March 13, 2008
men were sitting together bragging about how they had
new wives duties.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
The cavalryman was galloping down the road, rushing to catch up with his regiment. Suddenly his horse stumbled and pitched him to the ground. In the dirt with a broken leg, terrified of the approaching enemy, the soldier called out: "All you saints in heaven, help me get up on my horse!"
Then, with superhuman effort, he leaped onto the horse's back and fell off the other side. Once again on the ground, he called to the heavens: "All right, just half of you this time!"
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Tony and Maria had recently celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary. Upon hearing this, the parish priest asked Tony if he would consider talking to a group of young couples and tell them his secrets to a good marriage. Tony agreed and the priest set out to gather an audience.
When the day arrived, Tony was amazed to see so many people gathered in the church to hear what he had to say.
Tony slowly made his way to the pulpit while Maria was seated in the front pew. The priest was proud of the size of the group and so gave Tony an introduction fit for a king. At the end when he announced that Tony and Maria had been married for 50 years, the audience gave Tony and Maria a standing ovation that lasted for what seemed like forever.
Tony gave simple talk about the good life he had. He insisted that each man treat his wife with the utmost love and care. His speech lasted about a half hour with a mixture of laughter and tears. When he was finished, he asked if anyone had any questions.
Almost everyone raised their hands. Tony selected a lady in the front. She had a simple question asking what he did for their 25th anniversary.
Tony responded, "I took my wife back to Italy to the little town where we both grew up".
Again the crowd gave him a standing ovation.
The next question was similar. A young man asked what he did for their 50th Anniversary.
Tony said "I went back and picked her up!"
Monday, March 10, 2008
A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.
'That's a serious step,' he said. 'Have you thought it out completely?'
'Yes,' his young son
answered. 'We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers.
It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of
Sunday, March 9, 2008
A woman walks into a convenience store. She walks straight to the manager and asks, "Do you have any small notebooks?"
"Sorry," says the manager. "We're all out."
The woman shrugs, and asks, "Well, do you have any mechanical pencils?"
"Nope, don't have that either," says the manager.
The woman feels her stomach rumbling and asks, "Do you have Doritos? Nachos?"
The manager shrugs, "Sorry."
"Hmmph. How about Chapstick?" says the woman.
"Nope. Don't have that."
"My Gosh!" the woman shouts, "If you don't have anything, you should close the darn store!"
The manager shrugs, "Don't have the key."
Saturday, March 8, 2008
Ending his sermon, a preacher announced that he would preach on Noah and the Ark on the following Sunday, and gave the scriptural reference for the congregation to read ahead of time.
A couple of boys noticed something interesting about the placement of the story in the Bible. They slipped into the church and glued two pages of the pulpit Bible together.
The next Sunday, the preacher got up to read his text. "Noah took unto himself a wife," he began, "and she was" - he turned the page to continue - "three hundred cubits long, fifty wide and thirty high."
He paused, scratched his head, turned the page back, read it silently, and turned the page again. Then he looked up at his congregation and said, "I've been reading this old Bible for near fifty years, but there are some things in it that are hard to believe."
Friday, March 7, 2008
A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items. She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her.
"Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?"
The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down, smiled and said, "Not bad."
Thursday, March 6, 2008
was a very religious man who lived near a river.
replies, 'No, that's ok. God will take care of me.' The person in the boat
Jim tells her 'That's ok.'
The woman says 'Are you sure?'
says, 'Yeah, I'm sure God will take care of me.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Passing an office building late one night, Paula saw a sign that said, "Press bell for night watchman."
She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs. The uniformed men proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door.
"Well," he snarled at Paula , "what do you want?"
"I just wanted to know why you can't ring it yourself."
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
A secret agent was sent to Ireland to pick up some very sensitive information from an agent called Murphy. His instructions were to walk around town using a code phrase until he met his fellow agent. He found himself on a desolate country road and finally ran into a farmer.
"Hello, said the agent, "I'm looking for a man called Murphy."
"Well you're in luck," said the farmer, "as it happens, there's a village right over the hill, where there's a butcher called Murphy, the baker is named Murphy, three widows are called Murphy. In fact my name is Murphy."
Aha, thought the agent, here's my man. So he whispered the secret code. "The sun is shining..... the grass is growing..... the cows are ready for milking."
"Oh" said the farmer, "you're looking for Murphy the spy -- he's in the village over the other direction."
Monday, March 3, 2008
The Name Game
A pregnant woman from gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins!" a boy and a girl. Your brother from Maryland came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother, he's an idiot!"
She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"
Sunday, March 2, 2008
While carpenters were working outside the old house I had just bought, I busied myself with indoor cleaning. I had just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen asked to use the bathroom. With dismay I looked from his muddy boots to my newly scrubbed floors.
"Just a minute," I said, thinking of a quick solution. "I'll put down newspapers."
"That's all right, lady," he responded. "I'm already house broken."
Saturday, March 1, 2008
My grandmother, who lived in Tucson, was well-known for her faith and lack of reticence in talking about it. She would go out on the front porch and say, "Praise the Lord!"
Her next door neighbor would shout back, "There ainít no Lord!"
During those days, my grandmother was very poor, so the neighbor decided to prove his point by buying a large bag of groceries and placing it at her door.
The next morning, Grandmother went to the porch and, seeing the groceries, said, "Praise the Lord!"
The neighbor stepped out from behind a tree and said,
"I brought those groceries, and there ainít no Lord."
Grandmother replied, "Lord, you not only sent me food but you made the devil pay for it."