Tuesday, March 31,
A hurricane blew across the Caribbean.
It didn't take long for the expensive yacht to be swamped by high waves, sinking
without a trace.
There were only two survivors: the boat's owner Dr. Eskin
and its steward Benny. Both managed to swim to the closest island. After
reaching the deserted strip of land, the steward was crying and very upset that
they would never be found. The other man was quite calm, relaxing against a
"Dr. Eskin, Dr. Eskin, how can you be so calm?" cried the Benny. "We're
going to die on this lonely island. We'll never be discovered here."
down and listen to what I have to say, Benny," began the confident Dr. Eskin.
"Five years ago I gave the United Way $500,000 and another $500,000 to the
United Jewish Appeal. I donated the same amounts four years ago. And, three
years ago, since I did very well in the stock market, I contributed $750,000 to
each. Last year business was good again, so the two charities each got a million
"So what?" shouted Benny.
"Well!", smiled Dr. Eskin, "It's time
for their annual fund drives. They'll find me," .
Monday, March 30,
The first Jewish President of the
United States calls his mother in Queens and invites her to come down for
Thanksgiving. She says, "I'd like to, but it's so much trouble...I mean, I have
to get a cab to the airport, and I hate waiting on Queens Blvd..."
replies, "Mom! I'm the President! You won't need a cab - I'll send a limousine
His mother replies, "I know, but then I'll have to get my ticket at
the airport, and try to get a seat on the plane, and I hate to sit in the
middle...it's just too much trouble."
He replies, "Mom! I'm the President of
the United States! I'll send Air Force One for you - it's my private jet!"
which she replies, "Oh, well, but then when we land, I'll have to carry my
luggage through the airport, and try to get a cab...it's really too much
He replies, "Mom!! I'm the President! I'll send a helicopter for
you! You won't have to lift a finger."
She answers, "Yes, that's nice...but,
you know, I still need a hotel room, and the rooms are so expensive, and I
really don't like the rooms..."
Exasperated, he answers, "Mom! I'm the
President! You'll stay at the White House!"
She responds, "Well...all
right...I guess I'll come."
The next day, she's on the phone with her friend
Betty: "Hello, Sylvia...so what's new?"
Sylvia: "I'm visiting my
son for Thanksgiving!"
Betty: "The doctor?"
Sylvia: "No ... the other
Sunday, March 29,
A guy is suffering from severe
headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he's
referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what
his symptoms are and he replies, "I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a
knife across my scalp and.."
He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy
throbbing right behind the left ear ?"
"Yes! Exactly! How did you
"Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you know. But I,
myself, suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by
a tension in the scalp muscles.
This is how I cured it: Every day I would
give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with
all her strength, and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try
that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes."
weeks go by and the man is back, "Well, how do you feel?"
"Doc, I'm a new
man! I feel great! I haven't had a single headache since I started this
treatment! I can't thank you enough. Oh and, by the way, you have a lovely
Saturday, March 28,
Little Johnny was 8 years old when his
parents decided to have him circumcised (looking different than dad, other kids,
etc). After a few days of recovery, the boy went back to school. After about an
hour, the pain was really starting to bother him so he asked if he could see the
school nurse. He went to see her, but was too embarrassed to tell her what the
She suggested that he call his Mom and see if she could come and
get him. The nurse waited in the other room while the call was made.
few minutes the little boy came out and started walking back to class, but the
nurse noticed that his penis was hanging out of his pants.
"Johnny, what are you doing? You can't walk around like that."
"Well I told my Mom how much I hurt and she said that if I could just stick it
out till lunchtime she would come pick me up then."
A New Sex
"Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife
just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can
"Look, I can't prescribe..."
"Doc, we've been friends for
years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I am desperate! I can't think; I can't
concentrate; my life is going utterly to hell! You've got to help me."
doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I
wouldn't do this. These are experimental; the tests so far indicate that they're
VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE."
know, doc, she's awfully cold..."
"ONE, NO MORE! In her coffee.
The guy expresses gratitude and leaves for home,
where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the
kitchen to bring dessert. The man hastily pulls the pills from his pocket and
drops one into his wife's coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then
drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they
were powerful. Then inspiration strikes -- he drops one pill into his own
His wife returns with the shortcake and they enjoy their dessert and
coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a
little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look comes over her. In a
near-whisper and a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says,
"I... need... a man..."
His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies,
Friday, March 27,
Two men were introduced to each other
at the club house. They decided to play a quick nine holes, because they were on
their lunch hours. When they got to the third hole, they noticed a couple of
ladies playing in front of them. They were having a good time, yakking, and in
not much of a hurry! One man said to the other, "I'll go down there and ask them
if we can play through."
The other guy watched, as his new-found friend
trotted down the fairway toward the ladies. About two thirds of the way down,
the man turns abruptly, and heads back.
"You're not going to believe this!"
he said out of breath, "but, that's my wife and my mistress! I didn't know they
even knew each other!"
Well, with that, the other man said, "You stay here.
I'll go down and ask if we can play through." He got to the same place, then
came trotting back, and said, "Small world isn't it?"
A very modest lady applied for a job at
the factory where they made the "Tickle-Me-Elmo dolls". It was Friday and almost
quitting time and hurriedly the boss told here to report for work on Monday and
then explained she would be stationed on the assembly line just before the dolls
were packed into boxes.
Monday they started up the line and within twenty
minutes had to shut it down because one worker couldn't keep up. The boss went
down the line to find the problem. The new employee was very busy trying to do
her part but she had a bunch of dolls waiting for her. Closer examination showed
she was sewing little cloth bags containing two walnuts in the appropriate place
on the dolls.
When the boss could control his laughter he said, "Lady, I said
to give each doll two test-tickles.
Thursday, March 26,
Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking
home along Delancy Street one day wishing something wonderful would happen into
his life when he passed a Pet Store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in
Yiddish: "Quawwwwk...vus macht du...yeah, du...outside, standing like a
Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. Couldn't believe it. The
proprietor sprang out of the door and grabbed Meyer by the sleeve. "Come in
here, fella, and check out this parrot..."
Meyer stood in front of an
African Grey that cocked his little head and said: "Vus? Kenst reddin
Meyer turned excitedly to the store owner. "He speaks
"Vuh den? Chinese maybe?"
In a matter of moments, Meyer had
placed five hundred dollars down on the counter and carried the parrot in his
cage away with him. All night he talked with the parrot. In Yiddish. He told the
parrot about his father's adventures coming to America. About how beautiful his
mother was when she was a young bride. About his family. About his years of
working in the garment center. About Florida. The parrot listened and commented.
They shared some walnuts. The parrot told him of living in the pet store, how he
hated the weekends. Then they both went to sleep. The next morning, Meyer began
to put on his tfillin, all the while, saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to
know what he was doing and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted some too.
Meyer went out and hand-made a miniature set of tfillin for the parrot. The
parrot wanted to learn to daven and learned every prayer. He wanted to learn to
read Hebrew so Meyer spent weeks and months, sitting and teaching the parrot,
teaching him the Torah.
In time, Meyer came to love and count on the parrot
as a friend. The parrot had been saved. One morning, on Rosh Hashona, Meyer rose
and got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him.
Meyer explained that Shul was not place for a bird but the parrot made a
terrific argument and was carried to Shul on Meyer's shoulder.
say, they made quite a spectacle, and Meyer was questioned by everyone,
including the Rabbi and Cantor. They refused to allow a bird into the building
on the High Holy Days but Meyer convinced them to let him in this one time,
swearing that parrot could daven and really should be allowed to be part of
Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet (even
odds) that the parrot could NOT daven, could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc.
All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched on Meyer's
shoulder as one prayer and song passed - Meyer heard not a peep from the bird.
He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his
breath, "Daven!" Nothing. "Daven...parrot, you can daven, so daven...come on,
everybody's looking. Daven!" Nothing. After Rosh Hashanah services were
concluded, Meyer found that he owed his Shul buddies and the Rabbi over four
thousand dollars. He marched home, very angry and saying nothing. Finally,
several blocks from the temple, the bird began to sing an old Yiddish song and
was happy as a lark. Meyer stopped and looked at him. "You miserable bird, you
cost me over four thousand dollars. Why? After I made your tfillin and taught
you the morning prayers, and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after
you begged me to bring you to Shul on Rosh Hashona, why? Why did you do this to
"Don't be a schmuck," the parrot replied. "Think of the odds on Yom
Wednesday, March 25,
A lady is walking down the street to
work and she see's a parrot in a pet store. The parrot says to her,"Hey lady,
you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! And she storms past the store
to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the
parrot said to her,"Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, she was incredibly
ticked now. The next day see saw the same parrot and the parrot said to her,
"Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so ticked that she went into the
store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager
said,"That's not good." and promised he wouldn't say it again. When the lady
walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "Hey lady." She paused
and said,"Yes?" The bird said, "You know."
Monday, March 23,
You May be a Redneck Pilot if...
... your stall warning plays
... your cross-country flight plan uses flea markets as check
... you think sectionals charts should show trailer parks.
you've ever used moonshine as avgas.
... you have mud flaps on your wheel
... you think GPS stands for going perfectly straight.
toothpick keeps poking your mike.
... you constantly confuse Beechcraft with
... just before impact, you are heard saying, "Hey y'all, watch
... you've ever just taxied around the airport drinking beer.
you use a Purina feed bag for a windsock.
... you fuel your wizzbang 140 from
a Mason jar.
... you wouldn't be caught dead flyin' a Grumman
... you refer to flying in formation as "We got ourselves a
... there is a sign on the side of your aircraft advertising your
septic tank service.
... the set of "matching luggage" you take on your long
cross-country flights is three grocery sacks from the same Piggly
Monday, March 23,
Port or Sherry?
A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young
girl in an exclusive lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment where he soon
discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very
intelligent. Hoping to get her into his bed; he began showing her his collection
of expensive paintings, first editions by famous authors and offered her a glass
He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said, "Oh,
Sherry by all means. To me it's the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a
crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the
stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the
enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I'm
about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a
thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I'm transported into
On the other hand, Port makes me fart."
Sunday, March 22,
Nature as the
A newly married couple was walking
along in their village along a winding country road. The husband had been trying
to figure out a way to approach his new wife for sex, since they hadn't yet
consummated their vows and the sexual tension was beginning to be more than he
As they walked, they came across a cow and a bull engaged in
the act of reproduction.
The husband leaned over to his new bride and
whispered in her ear,"Darling, would you like me to do what the bull is
"Do what you want," she says, "but take care, that's not our
Saturday, March 21,
The Butler Did
A wealthy couple had plans to go to an
evening ball. So they advised their butler that they were giving him the have
evening off to do as he pleased since they would be out until quite late.
couple went to a ball and dinner. After an hour an a half, the wife told her
husband that she was horrible bored and that she preferred to go home and finish
The husband responded that he had to stay for a few more hours to
meet some very important people who were his new business partners. So the wife
went home alone and found the the butler spread out on the couch watching
She slowly moved towards him and sat down very seductively. She then told
him to come closer. Then even closer. She moved forward and whispered in his ear
"Take off my dress...".
"Now take off my bra.
"Next remove my shoes and
"Now remove my garter belt and panties"
She then looked deep
into his eyes and in a sharp voice shouted "The next time I catch you wearing my
clothes, you're fired".
Friday, March 20,
The Deaf Debt
The mafia was looking for a new man to
make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were
Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a
deaf person for this job--if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to
communicate to the police what he was doing.
Well, on his first week, the
deaf collector picks up over $50,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money
and stashes it in a safe place. The mafia soon realizes that their collection is
late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the
deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't
communicate with them, so the mafia drags the guy to an interpreter. The mafia
hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is."
signs, "Where's the money?"
The deaf replies, "I don't know what you're
The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know
what you're talking about."
The hood pulls out a .38 gun and places it in the
ear of the deaf collector. "NOW ask him where da money is."
signs, "Where is the money?"
The deaf man replies, "The $50,000 is in Central
Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street
The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what
you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the nerve to pull the
Thursday, March 19,
Sometimes women are overly suspicious
of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became
upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged.
unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel
continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in
It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.
A three year old boy went with his dad
to see a new litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his
mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens."
"How did you know
that?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he
replied. "I think it's
printed on the bottom."
Wednesday, March 18,
Buying a Parrot
There was a man who wanted to buy his
wife a gift. He thought and he decided that he'd buy her a parrot because she
always told him that she's alone while he is at work and a pet would be nice. He
went to a petshop and found there a lot of beautiful parrots. But he wanted the
most beautiful. So he looked around, and saw a wonderful blue and yellow
feathered parrot. He asked about the price.
"10,000 dollars," the salesperson
"10,000 dollars is a lot of money. Why is this bird so terribly
"Besides his uncommon beauty, he can speak in three foreign
languages, he can answer the phone and send a fax," the salesperson
"Ok," said our man, looking around for another one. And there it
was. With red and orange feathers, and speaking some language to a parrot in the
next cage. "What about that one," the shopper asked.
"Oh, that one is 25,000
"Wow!" says our man. "What is this one good for!"
besides his uncommon beauty, he can speak in seven foreign languages, among
which are included Old Greek, he can answer the phone and send a fax, he can use
a washing machine, and he can easily learn how to use a lot of the electronic
equipment in your home," the answer comes.
"Ok," says our man and he starts
looking around for a not so beautiful parrot. He finds a gray feathered one in a
corner and says, "How about this one?"
"Sir, this one is $50,000
"Incredible! What on earth makes this one so valuable?" he asks
"Nothing sir, except that all the others keep calling him
Tuesday, March 17,
The Birthday Gift
A fellow was talking to his buddy, and
he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything.
Besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants so I'm stumped."
says, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have
60 minutes of great sex any way she wants it? She'll probably be
So the fellow did.
The next day his buddy says, "Well, did you
take my suggestion?"
"Yes, I did," replies the fellow.
"Did she like
"Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead, and ran
out the door yelling, 'I'll be back in an hour.'"
The Gold Metalist, Peak-a-boo Street, has
received a heroes welcome from her home town in Oregon. The town is so proud of
her they decide to rename a Ward at the local hospital after her. The intensive
care unit is now called Peak-a-boo I.C.U.
Monday, March 16,
Some things are better left unasked...
Sam & Becky are celebrating their
50th wedding anniversary and Sam says to Becky "Becky, I was wondering... Have
you ever cheated on me?"
Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a
question now? You don't want to ask that question..."
"Yes, Becky, I really
want to know. Please..."
"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..."
well when were they?" as his face turned red, but realizing he had pressured
"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted
to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember,
then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan
papers, no questions asked?"
"Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you
even more than ever, to do such a thing for me.... So when was number
"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were
needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then
remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here to do the surgery himself and
then you were in good shape again?"
"I can't believe it!! Becky, you should
do such a thing for me, to save my life... I couldn't have a more wonderful
wife... To do such a thing, you must really love me darling... I couldn't be
more moved... So, all right then, when was number 3?"
"Well, Sam, remember a
few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the fishing club ....
And you were 17 votes short...."
Sunday, March 15,
Could you help
An old guy went into a pharmacy and
asked a saleslady where he could find the talcum powder. The lady turned to lead
him to it and he noticed that she was very bow-legged. She looked over her
shoulder and saw that he wasn't following and said, "Walk this way,
"He replied, "If I could walk that way I wouldn't need the talcum
Two fer Sunday too
You can learn a lot in school.
The following beguiling ideas about
science quoted here were Gleaned from students' essays, exams, and class room
discussions. After the results of the "raving" US high school mathematics test
scores announced, these come as no surprise.
* One horsepower is the
amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.
is a rich source of loudness.
* You can listen to thunder after lightening
and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so
* When they broke open molecules, they found they were only
stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with
* When people run around and around in circles we say they are
crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.
* While the earth seems
to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only
* Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows
how to change back into a sun in the daytime.
* A vibration is a motion that
cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
* Many dead animals of the
past changed to fossils, others preferred to be oil.
* Vacuums are nothings.
We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.
* Some people
can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to
make out the numbers.
* We say the cause of perfume disappearing is
evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things when people forget to
put the top on.
* H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.
* Water is
composed of two gins. Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin
* I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to
do it, and that is the important thing.
* In making rain water, it takes
everything from H to O.
* Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
* Cyanide is so
poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue will kill the strongest
* Isotherms & isobars are even more important than their names
* It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there have
to live other places.
Saturday, March 14,
Some women are gathered and the subject of
conversation turns to sex and then birth control. The first woman says "We're
Catholic so we can't use it."
The next woman says "I am too but we use the
The third woman says "We use the bucket and saucer
"What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?", the others
"Well, I'm five foot eleven... and my husband is five foot two. We make
love standing up with him standing on a bucket, and when his eyes get big as
saucers I kick the bucket out from under him."
Two fer The Weekend
A boy comes home from school with a
writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the
difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully,
and then says, "I'll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep
with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would
sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what
The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure
out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a
million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
His mother looks
around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your
father, but yes, I would."
Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her,
"Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to
his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are
sitting on two millions bucks, but in reality, we are living with two
Friday, March 13,
The Rabbi and the
A rabbi and a priest get into a bad car accident.
Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. After
they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So
you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Look at our cars...there's nothing left, but we
are unhurt. This must be a
sign from God."
The priest says, "I agree,
this must be a sign from God."
The rabbi says, "And look at this. Here's
another miracle. My car is completely demolished, yet this bottle of Manichewitz
wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good
fortune," and he hands the bottle to the priest.
The priest agrees, takes a
few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the
bottle, puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest.
The priest says,
"Aren't you having any?"
The rabbi says, "No, I think I'll wait for the
Thursday, March 12,
Might as Well...
Harry had a bit of a drinking problem.
night, after dinner, he took off for the local watering hole. He spent the whole
evening there, and arrived home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He
always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole, and getting the door
opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then
she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and
coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine.
day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior, and was
particularly distraught by it all. The friend listened to her, and then said,
"Why don't you treat him a little differently, when he comes home? Instead of
berating him, why don't you give him some loving words, and welcome him home
with a kiss? He then might change his ways."
The wife thought that might be a
That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about
midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the
door, and quickly went to it, and opened the door, and let Harry in. This time,
instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took his arm, and led him
into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the
ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him, and started to cuddle
him a little. After a little while, she said to him, "It's pretty late, dear. I
think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you think?"
At that, Harry
replied, in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble
when I get home anyway!"
Wednesday, March 11,
Sophie and Shirley, two elderly widows in a
Florida adult community, are curious about the latest arrival in their building
-- a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself.
Sophie, you know I'm shy. Why don't you go over to him at the pool and find out
a little about him. He looks so lonely."
Sophie agrees, and later that day at
the pool, she walks up to him and says, "Excuse me, mister. I hope I'm not
prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely."
course I'm lonely, he says, "I've spent the past 20 years in prison."
kidding! What for?"
"For killing my third wife. I strangled her."
happened to your second wife?"
"I shot her."
"And, if I may ask, your
"We had a fight and she fell off a building."
"Oh my," says
Sophie. Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells,
"Yoo hoo, Shirley. He's single."
Tuesday, March 10,
A old man goes to Frederick's of Hollywood. For
their 50th anniversary, he wants to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can
find. He tells this to the woman behind the counter and she goes and gets an
"This is $200," she says.
"I want one that's more sheer," says he.
"This one is $350."
"I want it even more sheer than that."
is the most sheer that we have. It's $500."
"I'll take it!"
The man goes
home to his wife and shows it to her. Saying "Go put this on and come down to
model it for me"
His wife goes upstairs opens the box and thinks, "This thing
is so see-through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not.
I can take this back for a refund and he won't know the difference."
wife comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the
stairs. "So, how do you like it?" she says.
"Geez, you'd think for $500
they'd iron the damn thing."
Monday, March 9, 1998
What A Dinner
A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine
restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away
noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with
the woman acting unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way
down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across
from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining
companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she
came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think
your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her
and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just walked in the
Sunday, March 8, 1998
Getting Into Heaven
One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a
lawyer all die and go to Heaven. St. Peter's there and was having a bad day
since heaven was getting crowded When they get to the gate, St. Peter informed
them that there will be a test to get into Heaven: they each will have to answer
a single question.
To the teacher, he says, "What was the name of the ship
that crashed into the Iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?"
thinks for a sec, and then replies:" That would have been the Titanic, right?".
"Correct!" says St. Peter and lets him through the gate.
St. Peter turns
to the Garbage man, and, figuring that Heaven doesn't REALLY need all the stink
that this guy would bring into heaven, decides to make the question a little
harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
The garbage man guesses: "1228"
"That happens to be right; go ahead."
St. Peter turns to the Lawyer:
Saturday, March 7, 1998
Bob, took his father to a nursing home, last week,
and while he was making out the paper work, he had his father sit on a large
soft chair, to wait. His poor old father started to lean over to one side, and
one of the nurses quickly ran over and put a pillow next to him to prop him
Then he started to lean to the other side and she ran over, just as fast,
and put a pillow on the other side, to hold him.
A little while later his
father started leaning forward, so the nurse put a strap around his chest, to
prevent him from falling off the chair.
After Bob finished the paper work, he
asked his dad how he liked the place so far.
His father said "It seems OK,
so far, except for that one nurse. She wouldn't even let me
Friday, March 6, 1998
The madam opened the brothel door to see an
elderly Jewish man. His clothes were all disheveled and he looked needy.
I help you?" the madam asked.
"I want Natalie," the old man replied.
Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..."
must see Natalie."
Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man
that she charges $1,000 per visit. The man never blinked and reached into his
pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour
whereupon the man calmly left after an hour.
The next night he appeared again
demanding Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights
in a row and that there were no discounts... it was still $1,000.
old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and he calmly left an
When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could
Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they
At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever
used my services three nights in a row...where are you from?"
The old man
replied, "I am from Minsk."
"Really?" replied Natalie, "I have a sister who
"Yes; I know," said the old man. "She gave me $3,000 to give to
Thursday, March 5, 1998
Here are some suggestions for when
you next order pizza by phone...
1.Make the first topping you order
mushrooms but make sure the last thing you say is "No mushrooms, please." Hang
up before they have a chance to respond.
2.When the order is repeated,
change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third
time, say, "You just don't get it, do you?"
5.Insist that you must "speak with the big
6.Tell the person taking the order that you have a rival pizza
place on the other line and that you propose to go with the lowest
7.Give them your address but refuse to discuss toppings. Instead
insist that they surprise you.
8.Tell them to "put the crust on top this
9.Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy
10.Stutter consistently on the letter "P".
11.Ask for a
special offer that's only available from their competitor.
knuckles into the receiver.
13.Tell the order taker you're depressed.
Convince him/her to cheer you up.
14.Change your accent every five
15.Act like you know the order-taker from somewhere. A line like
"Wasn't it Bed-Wetters' Camp?" should go over well.
16.When they repeat
the order to make sure it's right, say, "Okay, that'll be $10.99. Please pull up
to the first window."
17.Ask if you can rent a pizza. Tell them about
their competitors "rental plan".
18.Ask if you get to keep the pizza box.
When they say yes, feign excitement.
19.Insist on having your pizza
"shaken, not stirred."
20.Imitate the order-taker's voice.
it's your anniversary and that you'd appreciate it if the deliverer hid behind
some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise
22.Ask to see a menu.
23.Ask what topping goes best with
a 1992 Chardonnay.
24.Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
"the guy who took my order last time."
26.Start the conversation with,
"My Call to Pizza Place, Take 1, and... action!"
27.Be as vague as
possible with your order, but be very specific about the dimensions for the
28.After ordering, say, "I wonder what this button on the phone
does." Pretend to be cut off.
29.Start the conversation by reciting
today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."
toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
Wednesday, March 4, 1998
- February 1998 editions
* Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
* Horn broken, watch
* My kid had sex with your honor student.
* If at first you do
succeed, try not to look astonished.
* Help wanted telepath: you know where
* I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
* I'm just driving
this way to piss you off.
* Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle
* Keep honking, I'm reloading.
* Hang up and drive.
* Lord save
me from your followers.
* Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
* I said "no" to drugs, but
they just wouldn't listen.
* Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
* Lottery: A
tax on people who are bad at math.
* Friends help you move. Real friends help
you move bodies.
* Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you
can find a rock.
Tuesday, March 3, 1998
A Call from Hillary
Hillary went in for her yearly checkup.
When she was finished, she asked her gynecologist how things looked. He said he
was pleased and that she is in great shape but, that she was pregnant!
told the doctor there was no way, but he said that she most definitely was a
month pregnant. Well, she stormed out of the office and went to the receptionist
and took the phone and called the white house.
When the operator answered she
said that it was Hillary and that she wanted to talk to Bill right away. Well
they rang the oval office and Bill answered. Hillary started screaming: "Do you
know what you did you lousy jerk. You got me pregnant!!!
Again, Hillary shouted, "DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID, YOU
GOOD-FOR-NOTHING JERK? YOU GOT ME PREGNANT!!!"
Finally Bill answered "Who is
Monday, March 2, 1998
Do You Have the Time?
Jake is struggling through a bus
station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to
him and asks "Have you got the time?"
Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and
glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says.
"Hey, that's a pretty
fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger.
Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not
bad. Check this out" - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every
time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropolis. He hits a few
buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven 'till
six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says
something in Japanese.
Jake continues "I've put in regional accents for each
city". The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply
The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all,"
says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very hi-resolution map of
New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by
satellite positioning," explains Jake. "View recede ten," Jake says, and the
display changes to show eastern New York state.
"I want to buy this watch!"
says the stranger.
"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working
out the bugs," says the inventor. "But look at this," and he proceeds
demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio
receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to
125 feet, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the
capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books," though I only
have 32 of my favorites in there so far" says Jake.
"I've got to have this
watch!" says the stranger.
"No, you don't understand; it's not
"I'll give you $1000 for it!"
"Oh, no, I've already spent more
"I'll give you $5000 for it!"
"But it's just not -"
you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook.
Jake stops to
think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15
000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six
months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in
front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000.
Take it or leave it."
Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK," he says, and
peels off the watch.
They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily
"Hey, wait a minute," calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around
warily. Jake points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the
bus station. "Don't forget your batteries."
Sunday, March 1, 1998
Three elderly men are talking about
their aches, pains and bodily functions. The seventy-year old man says, "I have
this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to
The eighty-year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight
and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a
The ninety-year old says, "At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I flop
like a cow."
"So what's your problem?" ask the others.
"I don't wake up