March 1999

The day finally arrives: Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
St. Peter says "Well Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven.
Forrest responds "It shore is good to be here St. Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. Sure hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was".
St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forrest but the test I have for you is only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter T? Second: How many seconds are there in a year? Third: What is God's first name?".
Forrest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and goes up to St.. Peter to try to answer the exam questions.
St. Peter waves him up and says "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers".
Forrest says, "Well, the first one how many days of the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow.
The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims "Forrest! That's not what I was thinking, but.....you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer". "How about the next one?" says St. Peter. "How many seconds in a year?"
"Now that one's harder" says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve".
Astounded St. Peter says "Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forest says "Shucks, there gotta be twelve, January second, February second, March second. . . "
"Hold it" interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with it. And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind, but I'll give you credit for that one too. Let's go on with the next and final question. Can you tell me God's first name?"
Forrest replied "Andy". . .when St. Peter asked how in the world he came up with the name Andy, Forrest replied . . . in the song . . . "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me."

A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat. After he finished, he headed to the kitchen to raid the refrigerator. The wife comes home sooner than expected, and heads to the bathroom, sits down and gets the toilet seat stuck to her rear. She becomes upset and in a panic shouts to her husband to drive her to the doctor.
She puts on a large overcoat to cover the stuck seat, and off they go. When they get to the doctor's office, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asked, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"
"Well, yes." the doctor replied. "But never framed."

These are bits of wisdom gained by a father who was educated by his rather active children.

1. There is no such thing as child proofing your house.

2. A four-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

3. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a Superman cape.

4. Baseballs make marks on ceilings.

5. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh-oh," it is already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, lots of it.

9. A six-year-old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says it can only be done in the movies.

10. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes, it does not leak...it explodes.

11. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq. ft. house almost 4 inches deep.

12. Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year-old.

13. Duplos will not.

14. Playdough and microwaves should never be used in the same sentence.

15. Superglue is forever.

16. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do.

17. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

18. Marbles in a gas tank make lots of noises when driving.

19. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

20. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life

John Madden was in Denver to announce a football game one weekend when he noticed a special phone near the Broncos' bench. He asked Coach Shanahan what it was for and was told it was a hotline to God. John asked the coach if he could use it, and the coach said: "Sure, but it will cost you $100."
Madden scratched his head, then said: "What the heck, I need some help picking some games." He pulled out his wallet and paid the $100.
Madden was perfect that week.
The next weekend, Madden was in Green Bay when he noticed the same kind of phone near the Green Bay bench. He asked Coach Holmgren what the phone was for, and Mike said: " It's a hotline to God, and if you want to use it, it will cost you $100." Recalling the previous week, Madden pulled out his wallet and gladly paid the $100.
Once again, Madden was perfect.
The next weekend, Madden was in Dallas at Texas Stadium when he noticed the same phone near the Cowboy's bench. He asked Coach Gailey if it was a hotline to God. Chan said, "Yes it is. Do you want to use it? It'll cost you 35 cents."
Madden looked at Coach Gailey and said, "Wait a minute! I just paid $100 in Denver and $100 in Green Bay to use the same phone! Why in Dallas do they only charge 35 cents?"
Chan looked at Madden and replied very matter-of-factly, "In Texas, it's a local call."

An airhead goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. "So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?"
The airhead counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying "Ehhhh... 22!"
The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"
The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces "Five foot two!"
This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the interviewee won't have to count, measure, or lookup. "Just to confirm for our records, your name please?"
The airhead bobs her head from side to side for about ten seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "Mandy!"
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks "What were you doing when I asked you your name?"
"Ohhhh, that!" replies the airhead," I was just running through that song, 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you....' ".

A man decides to join the circus. He shows up to demonstrate his skills to the impresario. "I have the most unusual act," he announces. "I'm sure it will amaze you."
He proceeds to climb a tall tower, and jumps off. He flaps his arms wildly, and finally his fall slows. He soars forward, then swoops upward, turns and swoops back again. Finally he stops in mid air and gently lowers himself to the ground.
The impresario stares blankly at him for a long time. Finally he speaks, "Is that all you've got? Bird imitations?"

Eight year old Johnnie came home from school one day. At the supper table
he announced to his mother and father that tomorrow in school they were
going to learn about sex education.

The next evening at the dinner table Johnnie's mother asked, "Well Johnnie, what did you learn about sex education today?"

Johnnie said, "I think the teacher said we should avoid inter-sections and buy condominiums."

A man was driving along a rural road when he realized he had to make a phone call. He was miles from a pay phone so he decided to stop in at the next farmhouse he found. As he was approaching a house he noticed a three-legged chicken racing along the road. He followed the chicken and clocked it at 45 miles per hour.
When the man got to the farmhouse he asked the farmer about the chicken. The farmer replied, "W'all, when I was at the uneeversitee I studied geenetics. 'Round these parts we love chicken and we're all partial to the drumstick, so I thought I'd see if I could make a three- legged chicken.
So, here 'tis."
The man was quite impressed. He asked, "How does it taste?"
The farmer replied, "Don't know. Ain't none of us been able to catch one yet."

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make you gain five pounds.

God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.

I finally got my head together ... and my body fell apart.

Time may be a great healer but it's a lousy beautician.

Brain cells come and brain cells go but fat cells live forever.

Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a month or so and it shrinks two sizes.

I don't mind the rat race but I sure could do with a little more cheese.

A woman goes to a restaurant, buys a coffee a sits down to drinking it. She looks on the side of her cup and finds a peal off prize. She pull off the tab and yells, "I WON! I WON! I WONa motor home; I WON a motor home!"
The waitress runs over and says, "That?s impossible. The biggest prize given away was a mini van!"
The woman replies, "No. I WON A motor home, I WON a motor home!"
By this time the manager makes his way over to the table and says, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor homes because we didn't have that as a prize!"
Again the woman says, "No, no mistake, I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!" The woman hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL."

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I`ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there`s somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there`s somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. . . you gotta help me, I`m going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I`ll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I`ll sleep on it," said Shakey.
Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn`t you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred buck`s a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."
"Is that so! How?"
"I took HIS advice and cut the legs off my bed."

The 70-year-old man sat down in the orthopedic surgeon's office.
"You know, Doc," he said, "I've made love in more exotic cars than anyone I know. Must be at least a thousand."
"And now, I suppose, you want me to treat you for the arthritis you got from scrunching up in all those uncomfortable positions," the medic said.
"Hell, no," the old fellow replied. "I want to borrow your Lamborghini."

1. The mouse is referred to as a, "critter."

2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

3. There is a skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.

4. The password is, "bubba."

5. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

6. "Winders 98" has a Dale Earnhardt sticker on it.

7. Outgoing faxes have beerstains on them.

8. The printer goes really slow since Bubba don't read too fast.

9. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.

10. The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, and Old Milwaukee options.

11. The monitor is up on blocks.

12. Seven blue tick hounds under the desk.

13. Deer jerky in the desk drawer.

14. The screen saver consist of pictures of Ned Beatty with Dueling Banjos playing in the background.

15. The six front keys have rotted out.

"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.
"How do you know?" the friend asked.
"She didn't come home last night and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she had spent the night with her sister, Shirley."
"So?"
"So she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister, Shirley."

A computer was something on TV
    from a science fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
    and ram was the cousin of a goat

Meg was the name of my girlfriend
    and gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
    and that really mega bytes

An application was for employment
    a program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
    a keyboard was a piano

Memory was something that you lost with age
    a cd was a bank account
And if you had a 3 1/2" floppy
    you hoped nobody found out

Compress was something you did to the garbage
    not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
    you'd be in jail for a while

Log on was adding wood to the fire
    hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
    and a backup happened to your commode

Cut you did with a pocket knife
    paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
    and a virus was the flu

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
    and the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
    but when it happens they wish they were dead

A couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time, and caught a judge just as he was about to leave, and asked him to marry them. He asked if they had a license and, when they didn't, sent them off to get one.
They caught the town clerk just as he was locking up, and got the license from him. When they got back to the judge, he pointed out they had filled the names in backwards -- his where hers belonged and vice versa.
They rushed back to the clerk's office, caught him again, and got another license. This time, the judge noticed that the clerk had filled in the date in the wrong format. Again they catch the clerk... After five reissued licenses, the judge is finally satisfied.
Judge: "I hope you appreciate why I made you keep going back. If there are irregularities in the license, your marriage would not be legal, and any children you might have would be technical bastards."
Groom: "That's funny - that's just what the clerk called you."

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.
"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"The guy was your doctor."

A local community club was organizing a baseball team. They could only muster eight players, and were hard put to find a ninth. In desperation, they called on a new member, a very reserved Englishman who had just moved into the neighborhood from London, to join their team. During their first game, the Englishman came to bat. On the very first pitch, he knocked the ball out of the park. The team members stood there, dumfounded. Unfortunately, so did the Englishman. "Run!" his teammates cried. "For Pete's sake, run!"
The Brit turned and stared at them icily. "I jolly well shan't run," he replied. "I'm perfectly willing to buy you chaps another ball."

Hopefully, the following explanations will make your dreaded trip to the
grocery store a more pleasurable experience.

When you see...	It really means...
"Prepared fresh daily"	re-wrapped and re-dated
"buy one get one free"	They've doubled the price, but are giving you a deal
"higher degree of marbling"	you're paying extra to get more fat
"Restaurant Quality"	they buy this garbage too
"boneless ham slices, water added"	They're gonna give you a break on paying for bone weight, but they'll make up the difference by charging you for water
"6 oz tuna, in water"	2oz tuna, 4 oz water
"locally grown"	somewhere in Hoboken

After years of his wife's pleading, this rich good ole boy finally goes with her to her little local Church on Sunday morning. He was so moved by the preacher's sermon that on the way out he stopped to shake his hand.
He said, "Reverend, that was the best damn sermon I ever did hear!"
The Preacher replied, "Oh!! Why, thank you sir, but please, I'd appreciate it if you didn't use profanity in the Lord's house."
The man said, "I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself, it was such a damn good sermon!"
The Reverend said, "Sir, PLEASE, I cannot have you behaving this way in Church!"
The man said, "Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that i thought it was so damn good, I put $5000 in that there collection plate."
"Well", said the reverend, "That was damn decent of ya!"

A man walking along the beach found a bottle. When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared.
"I will grant you three wishes," announced the genie. "But there is one condition. I am a lawyer's genie. That means that for every wish you make,
every lawyer in the world gets the wish as well-only double."
The man thought about this for a while. "For my first wish, I would like ten million dollars," he announced.
Instantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and assured the man that $10,000,000 had been deposited. "But every lawyer in the world has just received $20,000,000," the genie said.
"I've always wanted a Ferrari," the man said. "That's my second wish."
Instantly a Ferrari appeared. "But every lawyer in the world has just received two Ferraris," the genie said. "And what is your last wish?"
"Well," said the man, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney for transplant."

Once upon a time, an elderly woman decided that she wanted to have a baby. She read all about the modern fertility procedures for older women. She decided that she would get pregnant, and have a baby. And she did, and she did.
One of her old friends dropped by her house, and wanted to see the baby. She said, "The baby is napping, and you'll have to wait until he wakes up." So they talked and visited for a while.
After a while the friend said she had to go soon, but she really did want to see the baby.
The mother was quite adamant: "You'll have to wait until he wakes up."
The visitor said, "Can't I just peek in and look at him sleeping?"
The mother admitted, "I can't remember where I put him, but when he wakes
up and cries, then I can find him...."

A man answers the phone and has the following conversation:
"Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Gladys has been most difficult - I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is. Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her. You were perfectly right. You want to speak with her? All right."
He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room, "Gladys, your mother wants to talk to you!"

A young student reports for a final examination that consists of only true false type statements. The student takes a seat in the hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet. Heads means true, tails means false.
The young student is all done in 30 minutes while the rest of the class is sweating it out.
But, suddenly, during the last few minutes, the young student is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches the student and asks what is going on.
"Well, I finished the exam in half an hour," says the student, "but I thought I ought to recheck my answers."

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end.
At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"

"How'd it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg.
"Well, doc, 25 years ago ..."
"Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."
"Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted.
I said, "No, everything is fine."
"Are you sure?" she asked.
"I'm sure," I said.
"Isn't there anything I can do for you?" she wanted to know.
"I reckon not," I replied.
"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?"
"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too."
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. So the vet brings in a black lab, the lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650."
"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaims the man.
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter:
Mother: "What does the cow say?"
Child: "Moooo!"
Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"
Child: "Meow."
Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"
The wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied, "Bud."

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.
"Mr. James, you records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home." he said. "I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."
"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to dry."

Good News ..... I've finally discovered the Fountain of Youth.
Bad News ..... At my age, I've forgotten what I wanted to do with it.

Never ask old people how they are if you have anything else to do that day.

One of the side benefits of forgetting names and faces.
You keep meeting new people every day.

The first manned Martian expedition landed on Mars, and to their amazement, they discovered that the planet was populated. The Martians were humanoid and not much different from their Neighbors on Earth.

The Expedition personnel -- 4 males and one female spent the first few days avidly discussing their various fields of expertise with their hosts. The Martians also showed great hospitality to their visitors, wined them and dined them, took them to the Mars bars. Eventually, of course, the subject of procreation was raised.

The Martians took their guests deep into their underground complex, into a room with red paneling covered in dials, switches and other controls. "Right," said one of the Martians, adjusting various controls. "I think we should make a boy who will grow up to be tall, fair, an engineer, a good sportsman with a good sense of humor but a bit shy".

He checked his settings, punched a blue button and a few seconds later a panel in the wall opened and a basket containing a Martian baby slid into view.

Everyone, Martians and humans gathered around and gasped in wonder at the new born child. Then the Martians asked how this was accomplished on Earth. "Well," said the Expedition Leader. "If Miss Johnson would care to assist in the demonstration, I should be only too pleased to show you how it is done".

The lady astronaut was more than willing and, together, they stripped each other and proceeded to have sex. When they finished and were redressing one Martian raised a quizzical eyebrow and asked when the issue could be expected.

"Oh sorry," said the leader. "It takes nine months".

"Nine months!" exclaimed the Martian. "Well, why all the hurry at the end?"

There is an Irish man getting ready to jump to his death from a bridge when a Priest walks past. The man turns to the Priest and says, "Don't try to stop me father, I'm going to jump."
"Don't jump." says the Priest, "It can't be that bad. Think of the life you have yet to live."
"That's one of the reasons I'm jumping" Says the Irish man.
"Well if that won't stop you, think about your family." says the Priest. "That's another reason." says the Irish man.
"Well think about your job." says the Priest.
"There's another reason," says the Irish man.
"Well if that won't stop you think about St. Patrick." says the Priest.
"Who's that?" asks the Irish man.
"Jump you Protestant bastard," says the Priest.

I've never understood why women love cats.

Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep.

In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

Then this guy walked up to the lady behind the counter and said, "Do you keep stationery?"
She said, "Well, right up to the last minute, then my toes curl up and I turn into an animal.

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.'"

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in 'Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?" A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests, "I don't know... why don't you play your age?"

He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?" The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!"

Two weeks ago, was my forty-ninth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went into breakfast, knowing my wife would be pleasant and say Happy Birthday and probably have a present for me.
She didn't even say Good Morning, let alone any Happy Birthday. I said, Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember. The children came into breakfast and didn't say a word.
When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better, someone had remembered. I worked until noon.
About noon Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. "Let's go."
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office. Do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment, we had another martini and she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable." "Sure," I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and in about six minutes, she came out ..... carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife and children. All were singing Happy Birthday .... and there on the couch I sat ...... with nothing on but my socks.