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April, 2001

Rules

A priest at a parochial school, wanting to point out the proper behavior for church, was trying to elicit from the youngsters rules that their parents might give before taking them to a nice restaurant.
"Don't play with your food," one second-grader cited.
"Don't be loud," said another, and so on.
"And what rule do your parents give you before you go out to eat?" the priest inquired of one little boy.
Without batting an eye, the child replied, "Order something cheap."

Blind Date

"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.
"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner."

Lamaze Class

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room got quiet.
Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Yes?" replied the teacher.
"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Bragging Rights

A limousine had encountered a red traffic light and was waiting for it to change when a small Mini Cooper also drives up.  The haughty businessman in the back of the limousine started bragging to the Mini Cooper owner that his was the best car that money could buy.
"This is the best limo that money can buy.  It has ABS, airbags for all passengers, automatic climate control, onboard computer control system, photo chromatic glass, mini bar, a television with satellite dish embedded in the roof, blah blah blah...."
At this point the Mini Cooper owner interrupted.
"But do you have a video in there?"
The light changed at this point, and the limo driver pulled off.  The businessman in back felt a bit down that he didn't have this simple item, and that very day had one installed in the limo.
A few days passed by, and again the limo was at a traffic light when the businessman spotted the Mini Cooper again.  It was pulled over to a side, with the glasses all steamed up, and steam coming from a half open window.  Upon seeing this, the businessman got out of his car and knocked on the window of the Mini Cooper.  After a few moments, the Mini Cooper owner poked his head out (which was dripping with water, by the way!).
"I installed a VCR in my limo", said the businessman proudly.
The Mini Cooper-man responded: "You got me out of the shower for THAT?"

Flight Time

Unaware that Indianapolis is on Eastern Standard Time and Chicago on Central Standard Time, Bob inquired at the Indianapolis airport about a plane to Chicago.
"The next flight leaves at 1:00 p.m.," a ticket agent said, "and arrives in Chicago at 1:01 p.m."
"Would you repeat that, please?"  Bob asked.
The agent did so and then inquired, "Do you want a reservation?"
 "No," said Bob, "But I think I'll hang around and  watch that thing take off."

Magic Lamp

One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared.
"I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.
The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job -- a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever even dared try."
"Poof!" said the genie. "You're a housewife."

Allergies

A little girl was wearing one of those Medical Alert bracelets. Someone asked her what the bracelet was for.  She replied, "I'm allergic to nuts and eggs."
The person asked, "Are you allergic to cats?"
The girl said, "I don't know.....  I don't eat cats."

The Tip

The homeowner was delighted with the way the painter had done all the work on his house. "You did a great job." he said and handed the man a check. "Also, in order to thank-you, here's an extra $80 to take the missus out to dinner and a movie."
Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was the painter. Thinking the man had forgotten something he asked, "What's the matter, did you forget something?"
"Nope." replied the painter. "I'm just here to take your missus out to dinner and a movie like you asked."

Delivery

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway.  He passed a sign that said "low bridge ahead." Before he knew it, the bridge was right ahead of him and he got stuck under the bridge. Cars were backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car pulled up.  The cop got out of his car and walked around to the truck driver, put his hands on his hips and said, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver said, "No officer,... I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas!"

The Left Coast

A man from the East Coast is visiting California for the first time, and is conversing with a California native.  He says, "I'll be visiting La Jolla (lah-JOLL-a) next week," whereupon the Californian replies, "Oh, you mean, "La-*HOY*-a?"
"Oh. Yeah, I guess so."  Then he adds, "but right now I'm staying in El Cajon (el-ca-JOHN)," and again the Californian corrects him, "You mean, El Ca *HONE*?"
"Oh. Yeah, right."
Then the Californian asks, "So when will you be returning home?"
The East Coast guy thinks about it for a minute and then answers, "Oh, I don't know, I guess sometime in *HUNE* or *HULY*!"

Talking Clock

While proudly showing off his new fraternity house to friends, a college student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.
"That's the talking clock", the man replied, with a grin. "Let me show you how it works!" And with that, he gave the gong an ear-shattering pound with the hammer.
Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "KNOCK IT OFF, YOU JERKS!  IT'S 2 AM!"

Old Age

A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred.
The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?"
"No," he replied, "I've never done either."
"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?"  inquired the doctor.
"No, I've never done any of those things either."
"Well then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?"

Special Talent

The weather was very hot and this man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water.

After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief.

The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said: 'You know , I have a special gift, I can read minds.'

'Impossible', said the embarrassed man, 'You really know what I think?'

'Yes', the lady replied, 'Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom.'

Getting Ahead

The boss called one of his employees into the office. "Rob," he said, "you've been with the company for a year now. You started off in the mail room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-president. Now, it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company.
What do you say to that?"
"Thanks," said the employee.
"Thanks?" the boss replied "Is that all you can say?"
"I suppose not," the employee said.
"Thanks, Dad." he added.

Just Think

Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions.

One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "Called in Sick yesterday!"

There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score. 

The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator.  "Wow," he said. "Just think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"

Being A God

The first guy said, "My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won't let me do any work around the house. It's incredible."

The second guy says, "That's nothing. My wife thinks I'm God."

"She thinks you're God?  What makes you say that?"

"Easy. Every night she places a burnt offering before me."

Getting Even

The 12-year-old boy stood patiently beside the clock counter while the store clerk waited on all of the adult customers.  Finally he got around to the youngster, who made his purchase and hurried out to the curb, where his father was impatiently waiting in his car.
"What took you so long, son?" he asked.
"The man waited on everybody in the store before me," the boy replied. "But I got even."
"How?"
"I wound and set all the alarm clocks while I was waiting," the youngster explained happily.  "It's going to be a mighty noise place at eight o'clock."

Horse Racing

George loved the race track.  One day he was there betting on the ponies and losing his shirt when he noticed this priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.  Lo and behold, this horse - a very long shot - won the race.

George was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the 5th race horses lined up, and placed his blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

George made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed, won the race.  George collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race.  The priest showed, blessed a horse, George bet on it, and won!  George was elated.

As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses,  and it always came in first.

 George began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true.  He made a quick stop at the ATM and withdrew every penny he owned, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to place the bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race, and anointed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses, George placed his bet - every cent he owned - and watched, the horse come in dead last.

George was dumbfounded.  He made his way to the track, and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father?  All day you blessed horses and they won.  The last race, you bless a horse and he loses.  Now I've lost my life savings, thanks to you!!"

The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you Protestants...........you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites!

Two youngsters were walking home from Sunday School, each deep in his own thoughts.
Finally one said, "What do you think about all this devil business we studied today?"
The other boy replied thoughtfully, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out? This is probably just your Dad, too."

A newcomer to the political scene was campaigning in the backwoods for the office of assemblyman. Outside a ramshackle house, he saw a young man milking a cow. He approached the man, ready to make his pitch for a vote. Just as he was getting started, an old man called from inside the house. "Luke, get in the house. And who is that guy you're talking to?"
"Says he's a politician, Pop," Luke said.
"In that case, you'd better bring the cow inside with you."

Testimonials?

One of those discount airlines recently had a promotion where they offered free air-fare to wives who accompanied their husbands on a business trip.  Seeking some valuable testimonials, the PR unit of the airline sent out letters to the wives who took advantage of the offer. 

I understand both written and telephoned responses are still flooding their offices asking, "What trip?

Pulling Rank

During training exercises, the lieutenant driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red faced colonel at the wheel.  "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
 
"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."

The Union Meeting

A union shop steward is addressing a union meeting. "Comrades. We have agreed on a new deal with the management. We will no longer work four days a week."
"Hooray!", goes the crowd.
"We will finish work at 4 PM, not 5 PM."
"Hooray!", goes the crowd, again.
"We will start work at 10 AM, not 9 AM."
"Hooray!"
"We have a 150% pay rise."
"Hooray!"
"We will only work on Wednesdays."
Silence...then a voice from the back asks, "Every Wednesday?"

A Cure

"It's just a cold," the doctor said. "There is no cure, and you'll just have to live with it until it goes away."

"But Doctor," the patient whined, "it's making me so miserable."

The doctor rolled his eyes toward the ceiling. Then he said, "Look, go home and take a hot bath. Then put a bathing suit on and run around the block three or four times." 

"What!" the patient exclaimed. "I'll get pneumonia!"

"We have a cure for pneumonia," the doctor said.

A Dilemma

One day an ape escaped from the Bronx Zoo. They searched for him everywhere, in every borough. They announced his disappearance on the radio and television as well as the newspapers. But, no one reported seeing the ape.
At last, he was discovered in the New York Public Library. They found the ape sitting at a desk in the reading room with two books spread out in front of him. The ape was reading with great concentration. One book was the Bible; the other written by Darwin.
The zoo keepers asked the ape what he was doing.
The ape replied, "I'm trying to figure out whether I am my brother's keeper or whether I am my keeper's brother."

Let's Pretend . . .

Through a scheduling mix up, a man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. It's late, the train is full, and everyone else is already asleep. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married."
"Why not," giggles the woman.
"Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."

Organized Crime Money Saving Tips

10. When taking a body out to Jersey, use mass transit.
9. Every time you kill a guy, put a nickel in a jar.
8. Tap into nearly endless supply of cheap hit-men.
7. Make threatening phone calls after 11pm, when rates are lowest.
6. When you whack two or three guys, stuff them in same trunk and carpool it.
5. Inexpensive pinkie ring substitute: Plastic tab-pull from half gallon of orange juice.
4. Fire pricey nickname consultants -- everyone is either "Fat Tony" or "Knuckles."
3. Pasta is very inexpensive and very filling.
2. Forget expensive car bombs--just sneak up behind the guy and yell, "Ker-pow!"
1. Limit yourself to ten "fageddaboudits" a day.

Little Johnny

The teacher asked little Johnny, "Can you name four shooting stars?"

Little Johnny said, "I sure can...
    Wyatt Earp,  Annie Oakley, Buffalo Bill, and John Wayne."

A Classic

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring  up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time.
So the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex."
"Good morning pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "What is this?" he asked.
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which one, the 9:00 a.m. or the 10:30 a.m. service????"

Sunday,  April 1, 2001

NOTICE!!!

April 1, 2001

The Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising bikers, hikers, hunters and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the field. It is advised that outdoorsmen wear small bells on their clothing and shoes to alert bears in the area who aren't expecting them. It is also advised that outdoorsmen carry Pepper Spray at all times in case of a bear encounter.

It is advised to watch out for fresh bear sign activity. You should be able to recognize the difference between Black Bear and Brown Bear sign. Black Bear sign is smaller and contains berries, Brown Bear sign is larger and contains many small bells and smells like pepper.