Welcome

chuckle

April, 2002

Jealousy

John bought his new colleague, Peter, home for dinner.

As they arrived at the door his wife rushed up, threw her arms around John and kissed him passionately.

"My goodness", said Peter, "and how long have you been married?"

"22 years", replied John.

"You must have a fantastic marriage if your wife greets you like that after all those years."

"Don't be fooled! She only does it to make the dog jealous."

The Bible

There once was a very religious lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business, so she did a lot of flying. Flying made her very--very nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her to read as it helped relax her on the long fights.

One time, she was sitting next to a man.  When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and smirk and went back to what he was doing.

After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"

The lady replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible."

He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?"

She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible."

He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"

The lady said, "Well, I don't really know.  I guess when I get to heaven, I'll ask him."

"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.

"Then you can ask him," replied the lady.

The Kids

A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz. Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail.

Finally they reached the ticket window. "Five tickets, please," the father said. "Two round trip, three one way."

Growing Family

The newly wed wife said to her husband when he returned from work,  "I have great news for you.  Pretty soon we're going to be three in this house instead of two."

The husband started glowing with happiness and kissing his wife said, "Oh darling, I'm the happiest man in the world."

But then she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way because tomorrow morning my mother moves in with us."

Max & Abe

Max and Abe had become newly rich partners for ten years. They decided to celebrate their anniversary in business with a deluxe dinner at The Waldorf. It was glorious.
 
Near the end of the meal, the waiter served fingerbowls. Abe said, "Max, what is this in the little paper cup inside the silver dish?"
 
Max answered, "I don't know what it is, but everything else was good. This will be good, too. So eat it, and never mind what it is."
 
Abe said, "Max, you know me, I can't eat it if I don't know what it is!" and he called out to the waiter. Max said, "Please, don't embarrass me by showing your ignorance. It'll be good, eat it." But the waiter arrived, and Abe said, "Waiter, what is this in the paper cup in the little silver bowl?"
 
The waiter answered, "That is a fingerbowl, sir. When you have finished your meal, you may dip your fingers in it to cleanse them, and wipe them on your napkin." And the waiter walked away. As soon as he did, Max said, "You see? You ask a foolish question, you get a foolish answer!"

Who's The Problem?

Sophie went to see a psychiatrist about her husband.

"Doctor, My husband has this problem. Almost every night now he's dreaming he's a refrigerator!"

"My dear, that is not really a problem! A lot of people dream that they are somebody or something unusual..."

Sophie leans forward as she softly whispers this confidence: "But you see doctor it is also a problem for me! Jake sleeps with his mouth open and the light keeps me awake!"

Family Secret

A young husband returned home to find his new bride preparing to bake a ham. He noticed she had cut off both ends, so he asked her why since it looked like perfectly good ham.

She told him, "I learned that from my mother." He accepted that, ate the ham, and it was great.

At the next family gathering, the young husband asked his new mother-in-law about the ham. She said, "I learned that from my mother."

Grandma came home for Christmas, and the young husband finally had the chance to solve the riddle. He told Grandma about his wife, her mother, and how they had both learned this from her.

Grandma said, "Well...I had a short pan!"

Computer User's Bumper Stickers

My kid made the honor roll at Bill Gates Summer Camp.

We're staying together for the sake of our Web Site.

I don't lie, cheat or steal...
...except when I'm accessing Pentagon files.

My kid can out HTML program your kid.

I brake for incoming e-mail on my Mercedes laptop.

If a computer owner's money could talk,
all it would say is goodbye.

Computer repair is an oxymoron.

Defamation of Character

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character.  She charged that he had called her a pig.  The man was found guilty and fined. After the trial he asked the judge, "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?"

The judge said that was true.  "Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked.

The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.

The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."

Peach Brandy

The minister of a city church enjoyed a drink now and then, but his passion was for peach brandy.  One of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas. One year, when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed, but his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday.

In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left. So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church. That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face, waiting to see the minister's embarrassment.

The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, "Before we begin, I have an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of peaches ... and for the spirit in which they were given!"

Pregnancy FAQ
(Frequently Asked Questions)

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him).

Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

Friday,  April 19, 2002

Miracle Mile

A priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

Golf Balls

He'd been playing golf for years, and he had the finest equipment, but his technique never improved a bit. As his friend watched, he teed up at the first hole and promptly drove a brand-new ball into the woods. On the second hole, he drove another new ball into a lake. On the third, he lost a new ball in another part of the woods.

"Why don't you use an old ball?" his friend asked.

He looked at his friend in puzzlement..."Old ball??? I've never had  an old
ball," he said.

Florida

Morris called his travel agency, and he was furious about a Florida package he booked.  The travel agent asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. Morris said he paid for a suite on the top floor expecting an ocean-view room.

The travel agent  tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

Morris replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state."

Escaped Bunny

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.

"Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight - lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

"Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"

"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked.

"Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"

"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat that as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full.

"It's fantastic out here in the world!" he told them.

"So, are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked.

"I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."

"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the lab. I'm dying for a cigarette."

Arithmetic

"If you had a quarter," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?"

"One quarter." answered little Johnny

"You don't know your arithmetic." said the teacher shaking her head.

Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my father."

Business Trip

A businessman had a tiring day on the road.  He checked into a hotel and, because he was concerned that the dining room might close soon, left his luggage at the front desk and went immediately to eat.

After a leisurely dinner, he reclaimed his luggage and realized that he had forgotten his room number.  He went back to the desk and told the clerk on duty, "My name is Clean Laffs Joe, could you please tell me what room I am in?"

"Certainly," said the clerk. "You're in the lobby."

Memory

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things.

One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."

The second lady says, "You think that's bad?  The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!"

The third lady smiles smugly.  "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock on wood."  She raps the table.  With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"

Intensive Care

A pig and a chicken were walking by a church where a gala  charity event was taking place.
 
 Getting caught up in the spirit, the pig suggested to the  chicken they each make a contribution.
 
 "Great idea!" the chicken cried, "Let's offer then ham and eggs?"
 
 "Not so fast," said the pig testily.  "For you, that's a  contribution.  For me, it's a total commitment."

Intensive Care

A man was brought into the hospital intensive care ward, put in a bed, tubes coming out everywhere. A week later, another man was admitted, in a similar condition. Both lay there, machines pinging, tubes poking, etc. A couple more weeks before one on them had enough strength to raise his hand and point to himself and say, "Scottish."

The other man signaled he had heard, raised his own hand and said, "Irish."

This act tired them out so much that it was a week before the first summoned up the strength to say, "Glasgow."

Again the second man replied in a weedy frail voice, "Dublin."

Once more the strain was too much for them and they passed out.

Days passed before the first man managed to again point to himself and say, "Jimmy."

Replied the other, "Paddy."

A few hours later, Jimmy managed to point to himself again and rasp out weakly, "Cancer."

Paddy responded, "Sagittarius."

Another Groaner Alert

A man goes to his dentist complaining his teeth are loose. The dentist inspects the man's mouth and says, "The plate I installed into your moth six months ago has started to erode."
 
Then the dentist asks, "Have you made any drastic changes in your diet recently?"
 
The man, a bit rattled, stutters, "Well, my wife started cooking a lot more asparagus recently.  I didn't quite like it until she started putting hollandaise sauce on it."
 
 Then the man continues, "Now I put the sauce on everything: sandwiches, meat loaf, nachos, you name it."
 
 "Hmmm," said the dentist.   "Hollandaise sauce is made with lemon juice  which is highly acidic.  The citric acid is dissolving your plate.  I need to  replace the plate and this time I'll make it with chrome."
 
 The man asks, "Why chrome?"
 
 The dentist replies, "Everyone knows there's no plate like chrome for the  hollandaise."

Pizza Pie

An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get American food.

The concierge tells him he's in luck, there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver.  The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza.

Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza.

The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably.  He asks the delivery man, "What the Heck did you put on this pizza?"

The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put on the pizza what you ordered, pepper only."

Acts 2:38

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious services when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the middle of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (A Scripture verse saying "turn from your sin")

The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. Then the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a Scripture at you."

"Scripture?" replied the burglar, "I thought she said she had an AXE and two 38s!"

Groaner Alert

There was this haunted house on the outskirts of the town which was avoided by all the townsfolk - the ghost which `lived' there was feared by all.

A journalist for the local paper was assigned to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom.  When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, clanking chains et al.  He told the ghost "I mean no harm - I just want your photograph".  The ghost was quite happy at this chance to make the headlines - he posed for a number of ghostly shots.

The happy journalist rushed back to his dark room, and began developing the photos.  Unfortunately, they turned out to be black and underexposed.

Just then the manager of the paper came by and asked him how the pictures turned out.

Well, replied the writer, "The spirit was willing but the flash was weak."

Communications

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.

"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. He communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening."

The Castle

A group of American tourists were being guided through an ancient castle in Europe.

"This place," the guide told them, "is 600 years old. Not a stone in it has been touched, nothing altered, nothing replaced in all those years."

 "Wow," said one woman dryly, "they must have the same landlord I do."

The Will

A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will:

"To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave her the house and $2 million."

The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business and $1 million."

The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will - well you are wrong. Hi Dan!"

Directory Assistance

"Directory Assistance, can I help you?"

"I'd like the number of the Theater Guild, please."

"One moment, please."  Pause.  "I'm sorry sir, I have no listing for a Theodore Guild."

"No, no.  It isn't a person.  It's an organization. It's Theater Guild."

"I told you, sir.  I have no listing for a Theodore Guild."

"Not Theodore!  Theater!  The word is theater.  T-H-E-A-T-E-R!"

"That, sir, is NOT the way you spell Theodore."

Bill

A man walked out into the street and managed to get a taxi just going by. What luck, he thought, as he slid into the cab.

"Perfect timing," the cabby said. "You're just like Bill."

"Who?"

"Bill Smith. There's a guy who did everything right," the cabby said. "Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Bill every time."

"Nah," the man said to the cabby. "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

"Not Bill," said the cabby. "He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."

"Bill was really something, huh?"

"Oh, yeah," continued the cabby. "Bill had a memory like a trap. He could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."

"No wonder you remember him," the man said.

"Well, I never actually met Bill," said the cabby.

"Then how in the world do you know so much about him?"

"I married his widow," replied the cabby.

The First

Fran and Al were honeymooning in France, visiting all the historic sites. Today's highlight was to have been the visit to the famous bell tower at the Cathedral of Saint Lorraine near Nice. They had expected that the playing of the famous bells while they were in the tower would be one of their fondest memories of the trip.

They were the first in line on that cloudy morning to purchase tickets to enter the tower, when there was a sudden flash of lightning which struck the tower, totally destroying it. The ticket-seller, surveying the results, immediately offered to sell tickets to see the ruins at half the usual price.

The newlyweds immediately accepted the offer thereby becoming the first husband and wife team to receive ... the no bell price.

Fair?!?!

After a lengthy conference with the estranged husband, the lawyer reported to his client: "Jane, I have succeeded in making a settlement with your husband that is eminently fair to both of you."

"Fair to both!" exploded Jane. "I could have done that myself. Why do you think I hired a lawyer?"