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April, 2003

Wednesday, April 30, 2003

Gonna Be A Bear

In this life I'm a woman. In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear. When you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months.  I can deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I can deal with that, too.

When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I can definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I can deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup...gonna be a bear.

Tuesday, April 29, 2003

Grandma's Cookies

Returning from a trip to visit my grandmother in Canada, I was stopped by a state trooper in New York for exceeding the speed limit. Grateful to have received a warning instead of a ticket, I gave him a small bag of my grandmother's delicious chocolate-chip cookies and proceeded on my way.

Later, I was stopped by another trooper.

"What have I done?" I asked.

"Nothing," the trooper said, smiling. "I heard you were passing out  great chocolate-chip cookies."

Monday, April 28, 2003

Beauty Is In The Eye...

Amy and Jamie are old friends. They have both been married to their husbands for a long time; Amy is upset because she thinks her husband doesn't find her attractive anymore.

"As I get older he doesn't bother to look at me!" Amy cries.

"I'm so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I get more beautiful every day." replies Jamie.

"Yes, but your husband's an antique dealer!"

Sunday, April 27, 2003

Air Traffic Controller

The air traffic controller was working a busy pattern when he told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty (do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft).

The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane?

Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!"

Saturday, April 26, 2003

In A Child's Mind

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.

"Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.

"It sure is," I replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

Friday, April 25, 2003

From The Mouths of Babes

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"

I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."

"I know," she replied, "but what is growing in your butt?"

Thursday, April 24, 2003

A Senior's Classic

A guy was invited to some old friends' home for dinner.

His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy:

"I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names."

His buddy hung his head.  "To tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about ten years ago."

Wednesday, April 23, 2003

The Movers

Joe, John and Bob were moving furniture. While Joe and John were struggling with a particularly heavy oak wardrobe Joe noticed that Bob was nowhere in sight.

"John, where's Bob?" asked Joe. "He should be helping us with this thing."

"He is helping," said John, "He's inside holding the clothes hangers in place!"

Tuesday, April 22, 2003

Cross-Examination

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining a pathologist.

Here's what happened:

Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?

Coroner: Well, let me put it this way.  The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.

Monday, April 21, 2003

Help Desk

Harry incurred several problems while assembling his new computer system, so he called the help desk.  The man on the phone started to talk to Harry in computer jargon, which confused him even more.

"Sir," Harry said politely, "please explain what I should do as if I were a four-year-old."

"Okay," the computer technician replied.  "Son, could you please put your mommy on the phone?"

Sunday, April 20, 2003

Welcome To Heaven

An eye doctor, a heart surgeon and an HMO executive die and are in heaven. God asks the eye doctor why he should be let into heaven, and the doctor explains to God that he helped people save or regain their sight. God says, "Welcome to heaven, my son."

God then asks the heart surgeon what he had done in life that should allow him into heaven. "I saved people from death from heart attacks and heart disease," the doctor replies. "Welcome to heaven, my son," God says.

God then turns to the HMO executive. God asked him what he was, and the man replied that he worked for an HMO. "Welcome to heaven, my son," says God, ''but you have to leave in two days."

Saturday, April 19, 2003

A Hamburger

A hamburger walked into a bar, climbed up onto a bar stool, looked at the bartender and ordered a tall cold beer.

The bartender looked at the hamburger for a moment and replied, "I'm sorry sir, but I can't sell you that drink."

The hamburger thought about this for a second and said, "I'm over 21. Why can't you sell me a drink?"

After looking at the hamburger for another moment, the bartender replied, "I'm sorry, we don't serve food in here."

Friday, April 18, 2003

Grandma

Dear Granddaughter:

I have become a little older since I saw you last, and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen everyday. As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go to see John. Then Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is here he takes a lot of my time and attention. When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life.

Oh yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer.

Love,
Grandma

P.S. The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him, "Oh I do it all the time. No matter where I am, in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I ask myself, "Now, what am I here after?"

Thursday, April 17, 2003

Taxes

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.

"Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said.  "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."

"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too".

Wednesday, April 16, 2003

Do You Know Why?

A woman was driving her old beat up car on the Highway with her 7 yr. old son, Little Johnny.

She tried to keep up with traffic but they were flying by her.  After getting caught in a large group of car's flying down the road she looked at her speedometer to see she was doing 15 miles over the speed limit.

Slowing down, she moved over to the side and got out of the clump that soon left her behind.  She looked up and saw the flashing lights of a police car. Pulling over she waited for the officer to come up to her car.

As he did he said, "Ma'am do you know why I pulled you over?"

Little Johnny piped up from the back seat,

"I do!  Because you couldn't catch the other cars!"

Tuesday, April 15, 2003

Fair Deal

Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm.

Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat and went about his fishing.

An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms.

Monday, April 14, 2003

A Child's Kindness

A little girl asked her mother for a dollar to give to an old lady in the park. Her mother was touched by the child's kindness, and gave her the required sum.

"There you are, my dear," said the mother. "But, tell me, isn't the lady able to work any more?"

"Oh yes," said the little girl, "she sells candy."

Sunday, April 13, 2003

Emergency

A car breaks down along the expressway one day, so the driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the highway.

He jumps out of the car, opens the trunk, and pulls out two men in trench coats. The men stand behind the car, open up their coats and start exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic. One of the worst pile-ups in history occurs.

When questioned by police why he put two deviates along the side of the road, the man replied, "I broke down and was just using my emergency flashers!"

Saturday, April 12, 2003

Long Flight

Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."

Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry ... we can fly just fine on two engines."

An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry ... we still have one engine left."

A young passenger turned to the man in the next seat and said, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"

Friday, April 11, 2003

On Call

A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, there are three doctors there already!"

Thursday, April 10, 2003

A Lady Killer

The trendy dresser fancied himself quite a lady-killer, and was delighted to find a note pinned inside a new shirt.  It contained a girl's name and address, and asked the recipient to send a photograph.  How romantic, he thought to himself, very taken with the idea of this mystery woman so eager to meet him, and promptly mailed off a note and a photo.

Heart aflutter, he opened her response.  It read, "Thanks for writing. I was just curious to see what kind of guy would buy such a goofy shirt."

Wednesday, April 9, 2003

Made It!!

This guy loved living in Staten Island, but he wasn't crazy about the ferry. If you missed a ferry late at night, you had to spend the next hour or so wandering the deserted streets of lower Manhattan.

So, when he spotted a ferry no more than fifteen feet from the dock, he decided he wouldn't subject himself to an hour's wait. He made a running leap and landed on his hands and knees, a little bruised maybe, but safe on deck.

He got up, brushed himself off, and announced proudly to a bystander, "Well, I made that one, didn't I?"

"Sure did," the bystander said.  "But you should have waited a minute or two. The ferry is just about to dock."

Tuesday, April 8, 2003

Running Late

One Sunday morning a little girl in her Sunday best was running so she wouldn't be late for church. As she ran she kept praying, "Dear God, please don't let me be late to church. Please don't let me be late to church...." And, as she was running she tripped and fell. When she got back up she began praying again, "Please, God don't let me be late to church -- but don't shove me either!"

Monday, April 7, 2003

Logical Math

"If you had a quarter," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?"

"One quarter." answered little Johnny

"You don't know your arithmetic." said the teacher shaking her head.

 Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my father."

Sunday, April 6, 2003

New Sport

First man:  My wife suggested that I take up a new sport this summer.

Second man:  Well, that's nice.  It shows that she has your interests at heart.  Did she make any suggestions?

First man:  As a matter of fact, she did.  By the way, how do you play this Russian Roulette?

Saturday, April 5, 2003

Confessions

A woman wrote to Dear Abby:

"I have a dilemma. I am about to get married, but I haven't been totally honest with my fiancé. My mother is a well-known madam, my father is a convict, and my brother is a lawyer.  I also have a problem - I'm wanted in three states for embezzlement. Taking all that into consideration, this is my question, how do I tell my fiancé that my brother is a lawyer?"

Friday, April 4, 2003

Sing

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said "Today, church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say,  I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind." The pastor shouted out, "Cross."
Immediately the congregation started singing in unison "The Old Rugged Cross."

The Pastor hollered out "Grace." The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound."

The Pastor said "Power." The congregation sang  "There is Power in the Blood."
  The Pastor said "Sex." The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything. Then all of a sudden way from in the back of the church a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing .........
"Precious Memories".

Thursday, April 3, 2003

Palm Sunday

It was Palm Sunday and, because of a sore throat, 5-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm branches. The boy asked what they were for.

"People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by."

"Wouldn't you know it," the boy fumed. "The one Sunday I don't go, He shows up!"

Wednesday, April 2, 2003

Divorce Decree

Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."

 "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."