Wednesday, April 30, 2003
Gonna Be A Bear
life I'm a woman. In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear. When
you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six
months. I can deal with that.
Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I can deal
with that, too.
When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of
walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly
cubs. I can definitely deal with that.
If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone
who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I
can deal with that.
If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS
that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.
Yup...gonna be a bear.
Tuesday, April 29, 2003
from a trip to visit my grandmother in Canada, I was stopped by a state
trooper in New York for exceeding the speed limit. Grateful to have
received a warning instead of a ticket, I gave him a small bag of my
grandmother's delicious chocolate-chip cookies and proceeded on my way.
Later, I was stopped by another trooper.
"What have I done?" I asked.
"Nothing," the trooper said, smiling. "I heard you were passing out great
Monday, April 28, 2003
Beauty Is In The Eye...
Jamie are old friends. They have both been married to their husbands for a
long time; Amy is upset because she thinks her husband doesn't find her
"As I get older he doesn't bother to look at me!" Amy cries.
"I'm so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I get more beautiful
every day." replies Jamie.
"Yes, but your husband's an antique dealer!"
Sunday, April 27, 2003
Air Traffic Controller
traffic controller was working a busy pattern when he told the 727 on
downwind to make a three-sixty (do a complete circle, usually to provide
spacing between aircraft).
The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand
dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane?
Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four
thousand dollars worth!"
Saturday, April 26, 2003
In A Child's Mind
the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As
I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a
little boy staring in at me.
"Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.
"It sure is," I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van.
Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
Friday, April 25, 2003
From The Mouths of Babes
was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into
the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said,
"Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, "but what is growing in your butt?"
Thursday, April 24, 2003
A Senior's Classic
A guy was
invited to some old friends' home for dinner.
His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling
her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years, and
while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy:
"I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you
still call your wife those pet names."
His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her
name about ten years ago."
Wednesday, April 23, 2003
and Bob were moving furniture. While Joe and John were struggling with a
particularly heavy oak wardrobe Joe noticed that Bob was nowhere in sight.
"John, where's Bob?" asked Joe. "He should be helping us with this thing."
"He is helping," said John, "He's inside holding the clothes hangers in
Tuesday, April 22, 2003
murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining a pathologist.
Here's what happened:
Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the
Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the
man was dead, were you?
Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a
jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing
Monday, April 21, 2003
incurred several problems while assembling his new computer system, so he
called the help desk. The man on the phone started to talk to Harry in
computer jargon, which confused him even more.
"Sir," Harry said politely, "please explain what I should do as if I were
"Okay," the computer technician replied. "Son, could you please put your
mommy on the phone?"
Sunday, April 20, 2003
Welcome To Heaven
doctor, a heart surgeon and an HMO executive die and are in heaven. God
asks the eye doctor why he should be let into heaven, and the doctor
explains to God that he helped people save or regain their sight. God
says, "Welcome to heaven, my son."
God then asks the heart surgeon what he had done in life that should allow
him into heaven. "I saved people from death from heart attacks and heart
disease," the doctor replies. "Welcome to heaven, my son," God says.
God then turns to the HMO executive. God asked him what he was, and the
man replied that he worked for an HMO. "Welcome to heaven, my son," says
God, ''but you have to leave in two days."
Saturday, April 19, 2003
hamburger walked into a bar, climbed up onto a bar stool, looked at the
bartender and ordered a tall cold beer.
The bartender looked at the hamburger for a moment and replied, "I'm sorry
sir, but I can't sell you that drink."
The hamburger thought about this for a second and said, "I'm over 21. Why
can't you sell me a drink?"
After looking at the hamburger for another moment, the bartender replied,
"I'm sorry, we don't serve food in here."
Friday, April 18, 2003
I have become a little older since I saw you last, and a few changes have
come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become a frivolous old gal.
I am seeing five gentlemen everyday. As soon as I wake up, Will Power
helps me get out of bed. Then I go to see John. Then Charlie Horse comes
along, and when he is here he takes a lot of my time and attention. When
he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't
like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint.
After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben
Gay. What a life.
Oh yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer.
P.S. The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should
be thinking of the hereafter. I told him, "Oh I do it all the time. No
matter where I am, in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the
basement, I ask myself, "Now, what am I here after?"
Thursday, April 17, 2003
A visitor from
Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about
the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.
"Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them,
white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."
"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too".
Wednesday, April 16, 2003
Do You Know Why?
A woman was driving her old
beat up car on the Highway with her 7 yr. old son, Little Johnny.
She tried to keep up with traffic but they were flying by her. After getting
caught in a large group of car's flying down the road she looked at her
speedometer to see she was doing 15 miles over the speed limit.
Slowing down, she moved over to the side and got out of the clump that soon left
her behind. She looked up and saw the flashing lights of a police car. Pulling
over she waited for the officer to come up to her car.
As he did he said, "Ma'am do you know why I pulled you over?"
Little Johnny piped up from the back seat,
"I do! Because you couldn't catch the other cars!"
Tuesday, April 15, 2003
arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had
forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake
passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and
robbed him of his worm.
Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again
and poured a little beer down his throat and went about his fishing.
An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking
down, he saw the same snake with three more worms.
Monday, April 14, 2003
A Child's Kindness
girl asked her mother for a dollar to give to an old lady in the park. Her
mother was touched by the child's kindness, and gave her the required sum.
"There you are, my dear," said the mother. "But, tell me, isn't the lady
able to work any more?"
"Oh yes," said the little girl, "she sells candy."
Sunday, April 13, 2003
A car breaks
down along the expressway one day, so the driver eases it over onto the shoulder
of the highway.
He jumps out of the car, opens the trunk, and pulls out two men in trench coats.
The men stand behind the car, open up their coats and start exposing themselves
to the oncoming traffic. One of the worst pile-ups in history occurs.
When questioned by police why he put two deviates along the side of the road,
the man replied, "I broke down and was just using my emergency flashers!"
Saturday, April 12, 2003
Fifteen minutes into the flight
from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one
of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take
an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."
Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the
flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry ... we can fly just
fine on two engines."
An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival
will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry ... we still have one
A young passenger turned to the man in the next seat and said, "If we lose one
more engine, we'll be up here all day!"
Friday, April 11, 2003
answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague on the other
end of the line.
"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.
"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"
"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, there are
three doctors there already!"
Thursday, April 10, 2003
A Lady Killer
trendy dresser fancied himself quite a lady-killer, and was delighted to
find a note pinned inside a new shirt. It contained a girl's name and
address, and asked the recipient to send a photograph. How romantic, he
thought to himself, very taken with the idea of this mystery woman so
eager to meet him, and promptly mailed off a note and a photo.
Heart aflutter, he opened her response. It read, "Thanks for writing. I
was just curious to see what kind of guy would buy such a goofy shirt."
Wednesday, April 9, 2003
loved living in Staten Island, but he wasn't crazy about the ferry. If you
missed a ferry late at night, you had to spend the next hour or so
wandering the deserted streets of lower Manhattan.
So, when he spotted a ferry no more than fifteen feet from the dock, he
decided he wouldn't subject himself to an hour's wait. He made a running
leap and landed on his hands and knees, a little bruised maybe, but safe
He got up, brushed himself off, and announced proudly to a bystander,
"Well, I made that one, didn't I?"
"Sure did," the bystander said. "But you should have waited a minute or
two. The ferry is just about to dock."
Tuesday, April 8, 2003
morning a little girl in her Sunday best was running so she wouldn't be late for
church. As she ran she kept praying, "Dear God, please don't let me be late to
church. Please don't let me be late to church...." And, as she was running she
tripped and fell. When she got back up she began praying again, "Please, God
don't let me be late to church -- but don't shove me either!"
Monday, April 7, 2003
had a quarter," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for
another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?"
quarter." answered little Johnny
don't know your arithmetic." said the teacher shaking her head.
Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my father."
Sunday, April 6, 2003
man: My wife suggested that I take up a new sport this summer.
Second man: Well, that's nice. It shows that she has your interests at
heart. Did she make any suggestions?
First man: As a matter of fact, she did. By the way, how do you play
this Russian Roulette?
Saturday, April 5, 2003
A woman wrote
to Dear Abby:
"I have a dilemma. I am about to
get married, but I haven't been totally honest with my fiancÚ. My mother is a
well-known madam, my father is a convict, and my brother is a lawyer. I also
have a problem - I'm wanted in three states for embezzlement. Taking all that
into consideration, this is my question, how do I tell my fiancÚ that my brother
is a lawyer?"
A minister decided to do something a little different one
Sunday morning. He said "Today, church, I am going to say
a single word and you are going to help me preach.
Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever
hymn that comes to your mind."
The pastor shouted out, "Cross."
Immediately the congregation started singing in unison "The Old Rugged
The Pastor hollered out "Grace."
The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound."
The Pastor said "Power."
The congregation sang "There is Power in the Blood."
The Pastor said "Sex."
The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all
nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.
Then all of a sudden way from in the back of the church a little old 87
year old grandmother stood up and began to sing .........
Thursday, April 3, 2003
It was Palm
Sunday and, because of a sore throat, 5-year-old Johnny stayed home from church
with a sitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm
branches. The boy asked what they were for.
"People held them over Jesus' head
as he walked by."
"Wouldn't you know it," the boy
fumed. "The one Sunday I don't go, He shows up!"
Wednesday, April 2, 2003
Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this
case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give
your wife $775 a week."
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll
try to send her a few bucks myself."