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April, 2005

Saturday,  April 30, 2005

I Found It

These two guys were approaching the first tee. The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, "Hey, why don't you try this ball?" He draws a green golf ball out of his bag. "You can't lose it."

His friend replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?!"

The first man replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. If  you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it."

Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced. The friend says,  "Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball?!"

The man replies, "I found it."

Friday,  April 29, 2005

Black & Brown!

Little Johnny had been bringing his drawings home from kindergarten every day since he started a month ago. Each day his mother admired the pictures and hung them on the refrigerator. One thing started  bothering her. Little Johnny only used black and browns for his drawings. Fearing a problem and not wanting it to get worse, she decided to take him to a child psychologist.

The psychologist delicately went to work. He gave Little Johnny a battery of psychological tests. He chatted with Little Johnny. Everything seemed perfectly normal. Every day for two weeks, the tests continued. Yet everyday, Little Johnny continued to bring home drawings in only blacks and browns.

Frustrated at not being able to get to the root of the problem and fearful that something was terribly wrong, the child psychologist decided to give Little Johnny some paper and a box of crayons and observe what happened.

Little Johnny opened the box of crayons and said, "Oh, Boy! A new box of crayons! At school we only have old boxes. The only ones left in mine are black and brown!"

Thursday,  April 28, 2005

Haircuts

A new hair salon opened up for business right across the street from the old established hair cutters' place. They put up a big bold sign which read: "WE GIVE SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!"

 Not to be outdone, the old Master Barber put up his own sign: "WE FIX SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS"

Tuesday,  April 26, 2005

It's Cold!

A drunk stumbles out of a bar and he makes his way into the cemetery behind the tavern. He walks right to the edge of a freshly dug grave, loses his balance and falls in.

There's a puddle of water in the hole, and he spends the rest of the night yelling, "Help me, I'm cold! Someone help me, I'm cold!"

At closing time, another drunk walks behind the bar and hears the noise. He gets to the open grave, looks down and says, "Of course you're cold, you idiot, you kicked all the dirt off yourself!"

Monday,  April 25, 2005

From The Mouths of Babes

Kids quotes that are a little...off track:

"God bless America, Thru the night with a light from a bulb!"

"0 Susanna, 0 don't you cry for me, For I come from Alabama with a band-aid on my knee!"

"Give us this day our deli bread! Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Whole East Coast."

"We shall come to Joyce's, bringing in the cheese."

"Yield not to Penn Station, but deliver us from evil."

Saturday,  April 23, 2005

Bartender

Bartender: "What'll you have?"

Consumer: "A scotch, please."

The bartender hands him the drink, and says, "That'll be five dollars.

The imbiber says, "What are you talking about?  I don't owe you anything for this."

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then offers, "You know, he's got you there.  In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the smiling drinker, "Okay, you beat me for a drink.  But don't ever let me catch you in here again.

The next day, the winner walks into the bar.

The bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the nerve to come back!"

"What are you talking about?  I've never been in this place in my life!"

"I bet," says the bartender. "You must have a double then."

"Thank you! Make it a scotch."

Friday,  April 22, 2005

My Mother

My mother is a poet," the boy said. "When she gets up in  the morning, she looks out the window and says 'lo the morn!"

"That's nothing." said the friend. "My mother does the same thing only she says 'mo the lawn."

Thursday,  April 21, 2005

I Need A Push
A Classic

A man and his wife are in bed asleep. Around 3am they are woken by the sound of someone knocking on their front door downstairs.

The guy gets up, goes to the window and opens it, only to look out to pitch blackness. "Who's out there," he yells.

A voice from below calls out, "I need a push".

Afraid, the guy says, "Get lost before I call the cops! It's 3 o'clock in the morning!" and slams the window.

His wife rolls over and says, "Listen, remember when our kids got stuck in their car late one night, and that couple helped them to get it started again? Wouldn't you want to do the same for someone else, regardless of the time?"

The guy thinks about this for a while and heads downstairs to lend the man a hand. He opens the front door, again to pitch blackness, and yells out, "Hey! Do you still need a push? Where are you?"

"Yes, I do," says the voice from the darkness. "I'm over here on the swing."

Wednesday,  April 20, 2005

Half

When the wealthy businessman choked on a fish bone at a restaurant, he was fortunate that a doctor was seated at a  nearby table.

Springing up, the doctor skillfully removed the bone and saved his life.

As soon as the fellow had calmed himself and could talk again, he thanked the surgeon enthusiastically and offered  to pay him for his services.

"Just name the fee," he croaked gratefully.

"Okay," replied the doctor.  "How about half of what you'd have offered when the bone was still stuck in your throat?"

Tuesday,  April 19, 2005

Me Or You?

Jim was just falling off to sleep when his wife nudged him and said the telephone was ringing.  At this hour it was probably for him, she said, closing her eyes.  Jim rolled out of bed and trundled downstairs. 

When he returned, his wife was asleep. He woke her.

"Wasn't for me, after all," he said. 

She crawled out of bed, pulled on a robe and started downstairs.
 
Then he added, "It was a wrong number."

Monday,  April 18, 2005

One of These Days

Each Friday night I drove my wife to the station for the train to Weimar, CA, so she could visit her sister who was ill.  Ten minutes later, my sister arrived by train from Sacramento to manage our household over the weekend. On Sundays this procedure worked in reverse with my sister departing by train ten minutes before my wife arrived.

One evening after my sister left and while I awaited my wife's arrival, a porter sauntered over.

"Mister," he said, "you are sure some man! But one of these days you are goin' to get caught!"

Sunday,  April 17, 2005

Teaching A Lesson

Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat. To my distress, he began to use the back of our new sofa as a scratching post. "Don't worry," my now ex-wife reassured me. "I'll have him trained in no time."

I watched for several days as she patiently "trained"  our new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, she would deposit him outdoors to teach him a lesson.

The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.

Saturday,  April 16, 2005

Final Exam

The story around Harvard was that there was a graduate math course whose final always consisted of, "Make up an appropriate final exam for this course and answer it.  You will be graded on both parts."

Then one year, a student answered as follows: The exam is:  "Make up an appropriate final exam for this  course and answer it.  You will be graded on both parts."

The answer is:  "Make up an appropriate final exam for this course and answer it.  You will be graded on both parts."

His reasoning was that since that was the best exam the professor could write, it certainly ought to be good enough for a student.  He got an A. The professor specifically prohibited  that answer from then on.

Friday,  April 15, 2005

With a Dog

While leading the Friday evening services, the Rabbi noticed a member of the congregation,  Bernie, walk in with a St. Bernard dog. The Rabbi, horrified, asked the Cantor to continue the service and went to talk to Bernie. Rabbi: "What are doing here with a dog?"

Bernie:  "The dog came here to pray."

"Oh, come on." says the Rabbi. "I don't believe you. You are just fooling around; that's not a proper thing to do in temple."

"Honest," says Bernie, "Its true!"

"Ok", says the Rabbi (thinking he would call Bernie's bluff), "then show me what the dog can do."

"OK" says Bernie nodding to the dog...The dog proceeds to open up the barrel under his neck and removes a yarmulke, a tallis (puts them on his head) and prayer book and actually starts saying prayers in Hebrew! The Rabbi is so shocked he listens for a full 15 minutes.

When the Rabbi regains his composure, he is so impressed with the quality of the praying he says to Bernie. "Do you think your dog would consider going to Rabbinical school????"

Bernie, throwing up his hands in disgust says, "YOU TALK TO HIM!  He wants to be a doctor!"

Thursday,  April 14, 2005

The New Job

One day, 3 unemployed factory workers heard that a large food company was enlarging and needed more staff.  So they went downtown to see if they could get themselves a job.

After filling out their applications, each one was interviewed and each one managed to get hired.  As they were waiting to be assigned their new duties, a foreman came by and spoke to the hiring boss.

The foreman told the boss that he didn't think it was such a good idea as one of the workers had snapped for no apparent reason at his last job.

Also a second was said to have had cracked up after severe mental stress.

The third, he believed was their father who he felt was a bit odd but he couldn't put his finger on it.

The hiring boss reassured the foreman and said that they would start on something easy and after a week, the company would re-assess them to see if they would be kept on.

The foreman reluctantly agreed and asked the boss where he thought they should start.

The boss replied, "Why not put them in our Cereal Division... Snap, Crackle and Pop should work out fine down there."

Wednesday,  April 13, 2005

Strawberries

A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?"

"Fertilizer," the farmer replied.

"What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy.

"Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer.

"You ought to live here," the little boy advised him. "We put sugar and cream on ours."

Tuesday,  April 12, 2005

Happy Birthday

A couple had been married for 25 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.

The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and boom! She had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me." The fairy picked up her wand and boom!

He was 90!!

Monday,  April 11, 2005

Space Mountain

A seven-year-old little girl was excited when she went to Disney World for the first time.  She headed straight for Space Mountain. Her parents were worried that the roller coaster would be too scary for her, but she insisted.
 
To her delight, she rode it twice.

The next year the family returned to Magic Kingdom, and the little girl, now eight, again raced to Space Mountain.

As they stood in line, though, the little girl was soberly studying the signs that warn about the ride's speed.

"Dad," she said, "I don't think I want to go."

Her dad asked her why she would be nervous when she had enjoyed herself last time.

She replied, "This year I can read better!"

Sunday,  April 10, 2005

Bubba

Bubba was arrested for selling home-stilled whiskey. His lawyer put him on the stand and asked the jurors to look carefully at his client.

"Now, Ladies and Gentleman of the jury," concluded the lawyer, "you've looked carefully at the defendant.

"Can you sit there in the jury and honestly believe that if my client had ANY whiskey he would sell it?"

He was acquitted.

Saturday,  April 9, 2005

Mighty Lion

A lion woke up one morning feeling rowdy.  He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!"

Later, the lion confronts a deer and bellows, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The terrified deer stammers, "Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!"

On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times, the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon.  The elephant then stomped on the lion till it looked like a corn tortilla, and ambled away.

The lion hollered after the elephant, "Hey! Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so angry!"

Friday,  April 8, 2005

How???

A lawyer was cross-examining a witness.

"You have just testified that you heard the shot at exactly 11:32 p.m.? How did you know what time it was? Did you look at your watch?"

"No," the witness said. "I looked at the sundial in the garden."

"That's stupid," screamed the lawyer. "How could you tell time by a sundial at 11"32 at night?"

"I had a flashlight," the witness said.

Thursday,  April 7, 2005

The Compliment

Morris was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast.  He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge.

He turned to his wife Sherry, with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest schmucks get the most attractive wives."

 His wife replies, "Why thank you, dear!"

Wednesday,  April 6, 2005

Tarzan

The little boy who had been playing in the back yard all morning came through the kitchen door and said to his mother, "Who am I?"

His mother thoutht she was supposed to play some kind of guessing game and said, "Oh, I think you must be Tarzan."

"I guess Mrs. Wilson was right, he said. "She said I was so dirty that my own mother wouldn't recognize me."

Tuesday,  April 5, 2005

Too Late!

The minister's little six-year-old girl had been so naughty during the week, that her mother decided to give her the worst kind of punishment.  She told her she couldn't go to the Sunday School Picnic on Saturday.

Then, when the day came, her mother felt she had been too harsh and changed her mind. When she told the little girl she could go to the picnic, the child's reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness.

"What's the matter? I thought you'd be glad to go to the picnic." her mother said.

"It's too late!" the little girl said. "I've already prayed for rain!"

Monday,  April 4, 2005

Bungee Jumping in Mexico

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."

The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.

The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again.

This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up.

This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones  and is almost unconscious.

Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a 'piņata'?"

Sunday,  April 3, 2005

Eye Catching Moment

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down.

"Is this yours?" he asked.

She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.

On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty; would you like to join me?"

He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"

The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"

"No," she replied, "only those who catch my eye."

Saturday,  April 2, 2005

Man of the House

The husband had finished the book, "Man Of The House", by the time he reached home. He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife, pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect scrumptious dessert afterward. Then, after that, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife coyly responded, "The Funeral Director?"

Friday,  April 1, 2005

Quiet Class

The fourth-grade teacher had to leave the room for a few minutes. When she returned, she found the children in perfect order. Everybody was sitting absolutely quiet.

She was shocked and stunned and said, "I've never seen anything like it before. This is wonderful. But, please tell me, what came over all of you? Why are you so well-behaved and quiet?"

Finally, after much urging, a little girl said, "Well, one time you said that if you ever came back and found us quiet, you would drop dead."