April 2006

First Day	Pay The Bill	Winning Entries
Trying To Save	The Price of Knowledge	Traffic Court
No, No!	Hmmm...	The Nutty Professor
The Bet	Available	The Rule
First Time	The Club	The IRS
Cookies vs. Apples	Best Present	Excuses
The Best School	Incapacitated	Henry
Confusion	Gassy Granny	Census
Two Priests	Morning Person	The Moon
Hearing Aids	Sympathetic Visitor	The Commute

A recent college graduate took a new job in a hilly Eastern city and began commuting each day to work through a tiring array of tunnels, bridges and traffic jams. To make the task less onerous, he invited several of his coworkers to share the ride.

He soon found, however, that the commute continued to get more stressful, especially the trips through the tunnels. He consulted the company doctor.

"Doc," the frustrated commuter complained, "I'm fine on the bridges, in the traffic, in the day and at night, and even when Joe forgets to bathe all week long. But when I get in the tunnels and I've got those four other guys crowded around me in the car, I get anxious and dizzy and feel like I'm going to explode."

Without further analysis, the doctor announced he had identified the ailment.

A big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, who was well known for her charitable impulses. As he addressed her he said in a broken voice, "I'd like to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned out into the cold streets unless someone pays their $400 rent payment.

The sympathetic visitor wiped his eyes with his handkerchief and sobbed. "I'm the landlord."

A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money. "How much do they run?" he asked the clerk.

The clerk put the device around the man's neck. "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket," he instructed.

"For $2.00 it doesn't work," the salesman replied. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder!"

The lawyer asks Sam again, "Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?"

Then the lawyer asks Sam, "Sam listen, you are 80 years old and your eye sight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night?"

John had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.

So John went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.

John slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"

Two priests are vacationing in Hawaii. They don't want to stand out, so they decide to buy casual clothes. They've just hit the beach in loud Hawaiian print T-shirts and sandals when they spot this hot blonde in a tiny bikini walking their way. As she walks past them, she politely says, "Good afternoon, fathers."

Well, the men are amazed, because they can't understand how the woman knew they were priests. They decide to go out and buy even wilder clothes, so they buy tie-died T-shirts, surfer shorts, and dark sunglasses. The next day, they hit the beach in their wild new clothes, and the same blonde passes them in a string bikini. As she passes, she says, "How do you do, fathers?"

Well, the two priests are really confused, so they ask the blonde, "Excuse me, ma'am. We're not ashamed of being priests, but how in the world did you know who we were?"

The blonde replies "Why, father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Catherine from the convent!"

Census Taker: "How many children do you have?"

Woman: "Four."

Census Taker: "May I have their names, please?"

Woman: "Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George."

Census Taker: "Okay, that's fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child George?"

Woman: "Because we didn't want any Moe."

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. The gas never smells and is always silent. As a matter of fact, I've passed gas at least 20 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!"

The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my gas - although still silent - stinks terribly."

The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing..."

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?"

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight point buck.

"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail."

"A tough call," nodded the hunter, "but I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"

I was recovering from surgery when a charity representative phoned asking me to take part in a door-to-door fund-raising effort. "Sorry," I replied, "but I've been incapacitated."

Undaunted, the caller kept trying to convince me to change my mind and volunteer.

When I went with my stepdaughter to visit a prestigious university, our student guide pointed out the nationally ranked library and state-of-the-art science facilities. She told us that the professors were the best in the world, and she recommended my stepdaughter apply early to improve her chances for admission. "We get so many applicants," she boasted, "because of the stature of the school."

A man leaves a bar drunk, and late as usual. He stumbles all the way to the pet store where he buys a bagful of snails before he continues on his way home.

Once he reaches his porch he hurriedly places all the snails on the steps. Just then his wife comes to the door. "And WHERE have you been?'" she demands.

Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for my last birthday," little Johnny said to his uncle. "It's the best present I ever got."

"Oh, I don't play it," little Johnny said. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night."

At a catholic gathering, Mother superior stacked a pile of apples on one end of a table with a sign saying, "Take only one apple please - God is watching."

On the other end of the table was a pile of cookies which a student had placed a sign on saying, "Take all the cookies you want - God is watching the apples."

Tax his cow, tax his goat;
Tax his pants, tax his coat.
Tax his crop, tax his work;
Tax his ties, tax his shirt.
Tax his chew, tax his smoke;
Teach him taxing is no joke.
Tax his tractor, tax his mule;
Tell him, "Taxing is the rule."
Tax his oil, tax his gas;
Tax his notes, tax his cash.
Tax him good and let him know
That after taxes, he has no dough.
If he hollers, tax him more;
Tax him 'til he's good and sore.
Tax his coffin, tax his grave,
Tax the sod 'neath which he's laid.
Put these words upon his tomb:
"Taxes drove him to his doom."
After he's gone, we won't relax;
We'll still collect inheritance tax.

A scientist finds evidence of an actual dinosaur, alive and living in the rainforests of South America. He campaigns several universities and succeeds in getting a grant to launch an expedition.

Several weeks pass and the expedition party stumble upon a 3 foot tall pigmy standing near a 300 foot long dead dinosaur.

The scientist approaches the pigmy and exclaims, "Dear Lord! Did you kill this dinosaur?"

"Yep!" replied the pigmy.

"But, it's so big and you're so small!"

"Yep!" replied the pigmy.

"How on earth did you kill it?" inquired the scientist.

"With my club," replied the pigmy.

"How big is your club?" demanded the scientist.

The pigmy replied, "Well, there're about a hundred of us!"

One day in the grocery store, a young man was following me up and down the aisles, watching what I bought. Finally, he came up to me and explained that he was a college student buying his own groceries for the first time. I smiled and told him I was flattered and that he could watch me and maybe learn something.

At the cold food counter, however, he was confused when I picked up a carton of eggs and popped up the lid to look inside. "What," he whispered, "are we looking for?"

While I was taking a Law course, the 'Audi alteram parten' rule was explained to us.

After discussing the subject at great length, the lecturer asked if anyone didn't understand the rule.

A man was going to bed, when his wife told him he'd left the light on in the garden shed - she could see it from the bedroom window. But he said that he hadn't been in the shed that day. He looked himself, and there were people in the shed, stealing things.

He rang the police, but they told him that no-one was in his area, so no-one was available to catch the thieves. He said ok, hung up, counted to 30 and rang the police again.

"Hello. I just rang you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed? Well, you don't have to worry about them now, I've just shot them all."

Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an Armed Response unit, the works. Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to this man: "I thought you said you'd shot them!"

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

A college professor asked his class a question. "If Philadelphia is 100 miles from New York and Chicago is 1000 miles from Philadelphia and Los Angles is 2000 miles from Chicago, how old am I?"

One student in the back of the class raised his hand and when called upon said "Professor you're 44.."

The Professor said "You're absolutely correct, but tell me, how did you arrive at the answer so quickly?"

The student said. "You see professor, I have a brother; he's 22, and he's half nuts . . ."

During our church service one Sunday, a parishioner was speaking about an emotionally charged topic and had trouble controlling her tears. Finishing her remarks, she told the congregation, "I apologize for crying so much. I'm usually not such a big boob."

The bishop rose to close the session and remarked, "That's okay. We like big boobs."

A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him. The dog looked up and said, "Don't be surprised. This is just part of my job."

"Incredible!" exclaimed the man. "I can't believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!"

"No, no," pleaded the dog. "Please don't! If that man finds out I can talk, he'll make me answer the phone, too!"

Recently in Traffic Court, a man who received an expensive parking ticket testified that a uniformed Policeman had given his OK for the man to park there.

The Judge asked the man if he would recognize the Officer if he ever saw him again, and the man replied that he would.

The Judge then said, "Good. When you see the Officer again, tell him he owes you 57 dollars. Next..."

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 25 years, he happily retired.

Several years later his company was faced with a seemingly impossible problem with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail.

In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine.

At the end of the day he marked a small x in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is". The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.

The company received a bill for $20,001 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.

A young woman wasn't feeling well, and asked one her co-workers to recommend a physician. "I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that."

The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to save a little money, cheerily announced. "I'm back!"

Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said, "Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit."

The Washington Post published a contest for readers in which they were asked to supply alternate meanings for various words.

The following were some of the winning entries:

Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl asked, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out & wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man who was standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

A pirate walks off his ship. He has a wooden leg, a hook instead of a hand, and a patch over his right eye. He sits down on a bench, and begins throwing peanuts to the seagulls. Two curious young children shyly sit down next to him and ask the pirate how he came to have a wooden leg.

The pirate replies, "Well, I was standing on the deck of me ship one day, and a wave washed me overboard. Then a shark came along and bit me leg off!"

"Many years ago, I was fighting the Navy, and one of them scalawags cuts me hand off. Their doc couldn't find a hand, so they puts this hook on," answered the pirate.

"Well," says the pirate, "I was standing watch up in the crow's nest, and just as I looked up, a lousy seagull flew over and did his business right in me eye!"

The children, thoroughly confused, exclaim "How did THAT cause you to lose your eye?"