He's a Magician

Which Way Did He Go?

A spiritualist who'd recently been widowed met a colleague and reported excitedly that she'd just received a message from her dead husband - asking her to send him a pack of cigarettes.

"The only thing is," she mused, "that I don't know where to send them."

"Why not?" asked her friend.

"Well, he didn't actually say that he was in Heaven - but I can't imagine he'd be in Hell."

"Hm," responded the friend. "Well, maybe I shouldn't bring this up, but. . . he didn't mention anything about including matches in the package, did he?"

Light Of The World

A little boy forgot his lines in a Sunday School presentation. His mother, sitting in the front row to prompt him, gestured and formed the words silently with her lips, but it didn't help. Her son's memory was blank.

Finally she leaned forward and whispered the cue, "I am the light of the world."

The child beamed and with great feeling and a loud, clear voice said, "My mother is the light of the world."

Two Bagels

It was a terrible night, blowing cold and rain in a most frightful manner. The streets were deserted and the local baker was just about to close up shop when a little man slipped through the door. He carried an umbrella, blown inside out, and was bundled in two sweaters and a thick coat. But even so he still looked wet and bedraggled.

As he unwound his scarf he said to the baker, "May I have two bagels to go, please?" The baker said in astonishment, "Two bagels? Nothing more?" "That's right," answered the little man. "One for me and one for Bernice." "Bernice is your wife?" Asked the baker.

"What do you think," snapped the little man, "my mother would send me out on a night like this?"

Good News

When Diane found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who would listen. But her 4-year-old overheard some of her parents' private conversations. One day when Diane and her 4-year-old were shopping a woman asked the little girl if she was excited about the new baby.

"Oh, yes!" the 4-year-old said, "and I know what we are going to name it. If it's a girl we're going to call her Christina, and if it's a boy we're going to call it quits!"

William Strange

A man named William Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone: "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be

confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative.

He suggested the following; "Here Lies a man who was BOTH honest and a lawyer." That way, whenever anyone walked by

the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark:

"Now that's strange!"

Three Wishes

State Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp.

"This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides and takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes.

"I wish for a beautiful castle right now!"

Shazaaam! He has a beautiful castle.

Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island with beautiful women."

Shazaam! He is on an island surrounded by gorgeous women.

He tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish I'd never have to work ever again."

Shazaam! He's back in his government office.

Music

Little Noah came into the house with a new harmonica. "Grandpa, do you mind if I play this in here?"

"Of course not, Noah. I love music. In fact, when your grandma and I were young, music saved my life."

"What happened?" "Well, it was during the famous Johnstown flood. The dam broke and when the water hit out house it knocked it right off the foundation. Grandma got on the dining room table and floated out safely."

"How about you?"

"Me? I accompanied her on the piano!"

The Gift

Knowing that the minister was very fond of cherry brandy, one of the church elders offered to present him with a bottle on one consideration - that the pastor acknowledge receipt of the gift in the church paper.

"Gladly," responded the good man.

When the church magazine came out a few days later, the elder turned at once to the "appreciation" column. There he read: "The minister extends his thanks to Elder Brown for his gift of fruit and for the spirit in which it was given."

The Math Professor

The math professor presented this problem to his class.

"A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-third is to go to his son from his first marriage, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity.

Now, what does each get?"

A student in the back of the room answered, "A lawyer?"

Cut Out All...

A middle aged man wasn't feeling well, so he went to the doctor for a check up. After a thorough examination, the doctor said, "Well, based on my examination, the best thing for you is to cut out all sweets and fatty foods, give up alcohol, and stop smoking."

The man said, "Well, to be honest with you Doc, I don't deserve the best. What's the second best?"

A Cure

A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups.

The pharmacist reaches out and slaps the man's face.

The man screams, "What the heck did you do that for?!"

The pharmacist says, "Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?"

The man says, "Of course not, you idiot, but my wife out in the car still does!"

For The First Time

At age 83, Granddad was admitted to the hospital for the first time. "What is this?" he asked as he held up the bell cord they had fastened to his pillow.

"That's the bell, Granddad," I replied.

He pulled it several times, then remarked, "I don't hear it ringing."

"Oh, it doesn't ring," I explained. "It turns on a light in the hall for the nurse."

"Well!" he replied indignantly, "if the nurse wants a light on in the hall, she can turn it on herself."

It's a Fact

Seb Coe, the Olympic Gold Medal runner, was on his way to a club with some friends. At the door, the bouncer turned to him and said "Sorry, mate, you can't come in here -- no denim."

Seb was quite annoyed at this and retorted, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Sebastian Coe."

"Then it won't take you long to run home and change, will it?" replied the bouncer.

Returning to Reality

At one of the last all girl schools in Dallas years ago, the instructor in a "Charm Course" was urging her students to give their escorts every chance to be gallant.

She said, "Remain seated in the truck until he has had time to step around and open the door for you."

Then, returning to reality, she added, "But, if man is in  the restaurant ordering his steak, don't wait any longer."

Won't He Know

A 4-year-old boy was asked to return thanks before Christmas dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation.

He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends,

naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy,

Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts

and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food.

He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit

salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the

Cool Whip. Then he paused, and everyone waited--and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"

Jose

When young Jose, newly arrived in the United States, made his first trip to Yankee Stadium, there were no tickets left for sale. Touched by his disappointment, a friendly ticket salesman found him a perch near the American flag. Later, Jose wrote home enthusiastically about his experience.

"And the Americans, they are so friendly!" he concluded. "Before the game started, they all stood up and looked at me and sang,

'Jose, can you see?'"

Toast

Our son recently married a Russian woman. During the reception, Russian and American guests proposed toasts.

As someone translated, my sister-in-law said, "Good health, good fortune. Go forth and multiply."

I couldn't help noticing that some of the guests looked confused. We found out later that the toast had been translated as, "Good health, good fortune. Go and do math."

Ask Her

 In a small town, farmers of the community had gotten together to discuss some important issues. About midway through the meeting, a wife of one of the farmers stood up and spoke her piece.

When she was done, one of the old farmers stood up and said, "What does she know about anything? I would like to ask her if she knows how many toes a pig has?"

Quick as a flash, the woman replied, "Take off your boots sir, and count them yourself!"

Rules

A priest at a parochial school, wanting to point out the proper behavior for church, was trying to elicit from the youngsters rules that their parents might give before taking them to a nice restaurant.

"Don't play with your food," one second-grader cited.

"Don't be loud," said another, and so on.

"And what rule do your parents give you before you go out to eat?" the priest inquired of one little boy.

Without batting an eye, the child replied, "Order something cheap."

No Problem

A man was having trouble getting his neighbor to keep his chickens fenced in. The neighbor kept talking about chickens being great creatures, and as such they had the right to go where they wanted.

The man was having no luck keeping the chickens out of his flower beds, and he had tried everything. Two weeks later, on a visit a friend noticed his flower beds were doing great. The flowers were beginning to bloom.

So the friend asked him how he managed to keep the birds away. "How did you make your neighbor keep his hens in his own yard?"

"One night I hid half a dozen eggs under a bush by my flower bed, and the next day I let my neighbor see me gather them. I wasn't bothered after that."

Class Reunion

While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 50 years ago.

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate.

After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Central high school.

"Yes," he replied.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1952."

"Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"

The Accident

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome,  Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."

"I must, Brenda. Your poor husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Tears in her eyes, she looks up at Tim and asks: "How did it happen? Don't spare me anything."

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a full vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Be-Jesus, you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

Driving To Work

Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him.

Seconds later, two policemen came by. While one pulled the gentleman over, the second carefully stopped traffic and recovered the box so as to avoid any further mishaps. When they opened the box, they found it contained large upholstery tacks.

"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I'm going to have to write you a ticket."

Amazed, the driver asked, "For what??"

The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."

Dry

An Irishman's wife calls the doctor, stating that her husband has taken ill. The doctor asks if she had taken his temperature; she replied that she hadn't but would and then call back.

When she hadn't called within a half hour, the doctor called and asked her what had happened. She said, "Well, I didn't have a thermometer, so I put a barometer on his chest and it said dry, so I gave him a pint and he went off to work!"

Where Is The Love

A man and a woman are driving down the highway when another car passes them. The woman notices that the occupants of the other car are young and obviously in love. The girl is sitting very close to her boyfriend as they cruise down the highway.

This causes the woman to think back when she and her husband were young and in love, and wondering where the show of affection had disappeared to over the years.

Finally she says to her husband, "Remember when we used to be like that young couple? Where did the love go, honey?"

Her question was met with a few moments of pensive thought. Then he replied, "I don't know, but I haven't moved."

The Bill

A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and went in for heart surgery. The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed.

"Mr. Napoli, you're going to be just fine," the nun said while patting his hand. "We do have to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.

"Can you pay in cash?"

"I'm afraid I can't, Sister."

"Do you have any close relatives, then?"

"Just my sister in Chicago," replied the man, but she's a spinster and a nun."

"Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Napoli ," the nun replied.

"They are married to God."

"Okay, great" the man said with a smile, "then send the bill to my brother-in-law."

Payback

Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at four forty four a.m. by his ringing telephone. . .

"Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an angry voice.

Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up.

The next morning at precisely four forty four a.m., Bernard called his neighbor back . . .

"Good morning, Mr. Williams.... Just called to say that I don't have a dog."

Response Time

Three paramedics were boasting about improvements in their respective ambulance team's response times. "Since we installed our new satellite navigation system," bragged the first one, "we cut our emergency response time by ten percent."

The other paramedics nodded in approval. "Not bad," the second paramedic commented. "But by using a computer model of traffic patterns, we've cut our average ERT by 20 percent."

Again, the other team members gave their congratulations, until the third paramedic said, "That's nothing! Since our ambulance driver passed the bar exam, we've cut our emergency response time in half!"

Bad Weather

Late one night during bad weather, the following was heard over the radio at an airport control tower:

Helicopter Pilot: "Tower, I'm holding at 3000 feet over Heli-pad 1."

Second voice: "NO! You can't be doing that! I'm holding at 3000 over that pad!"

There was a brief moment of silence.

First voice again: "You idiot! You're my co-pilot!"