April, 2008

Typo The End is Near Quickies
For Sale What Are You Going To Do What Time Is It?
Henry Ford Police Dog Wanna Dance
Nervous Mom Bricks
Yearly Physical He Must Be Dime-a-Minute Plan
Ours Elevator Problem What Would I Be?
Bean Soup Office Visit The Dark
My Son 3 For Breakfast A Proposition
Locked Out Pants Sleeping at Your Desk
Little Johnny Whale Expert  






Wednesday,  April 30, 2008

Whale Expert

An expert on whales was telling friends about some of the unusual findings he had made. "For instance," he said, "some whales can communicate at a distance of 300 miles."

"What on earth would one whale say to another 300 miles away?" asked a sarcastic member of the group.

"I'm not absolutely sure," answered the expert, "but it sounds

something like 'Heeeeeeey! Can you hear me nowwww!?!

top.gif (377 bytes)

Tuesday,  April 29, 2008

Little Johnny

At Sunday school they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.

Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and asked, "Johnny, what's the matter?"

Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm gonna have a wife."

top.gif (377 bytes)

Monday,  April 28, 2008

Sleeping at Your Desk

What to say when caught sleeping at your desk:

10) "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9) "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."

8) "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Wite-Out. You probably got here just in time!"

7) "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

6) "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5) "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate toward people who practice Yoga?"

4) "Dang! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

3) "The coffee machine is broken..."

2) "Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot..."

1) ".....in Jesus' name, Amen."

top.gif (377 bytes)

Sunday,  April 27, 2008


Doug had always been teased by his friends that his wife was more successful than he was. Some even went so far as to insinuate that he was henpecked. Doug had a sense of humor and always laughed it off.

One day, one of his fiends asked the tiresome question again,  "Who wears the pants in your family?"

"I do," Doug answered. Then, after a pause, he added, "I also wash and iron them."

top.gif (377 bytes)

Saturday,  April 26, 2008

Locked Out

One afternoon I rushed out of the house, forgetting my keys, and found myself locked out. There was nothing I could do but wait for my husband to come home. I went over to a neighbor who was outside raking leaves.

"You locked yourself out?" he asked.

"Yeah, this is the second time since we moved in. After the first time we took an extra key and put it in a jar, then stuck it in a potted plant on the deck.

"So what's the problem?"

"I took the plants in for the winter."

top.gif (377 bytes)

Friday,  April 25, 2008

A Proposition

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him. The Devil said to the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners."

The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"

top.gif (377 bytes)

Thursday,  April 24, 2008

3 For Breakfast?

I had just moved from an apartment to a house in the same small town. One day at the grocery store, I used the last of my personalized checks bearing my old address. The cashier examined the document and asked if everything on it was correct. I assured her that it was, and she started to put the check in the cash drawer. But then she inquired again if everything was accurate.

"Why do you ask?" I responded.

"Because," she replied, "my husband and I moved to this apartment yesterday, and I don't remember seeing you at breakfast."

top.gif (377 bytes)

Wednesday,  April 23, 2008

My Son

Two mothers were talking about their sons. The first said,

"My son is such a saint. He works hard, doesn't smoke, and he hasn't so much as looked at a woman in over two years."

The other woman said, "Well, my son is a saint himself. Not only hasn't he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn't touched a drop of liquor in all that time."

"My word," the first mother said. "You must be so proud."

"I am," the second mother replied. "And when he's paroled next month, I'm going to throw him a big party."

top.gif (377 bytes)

Tuesday,  April 22, 2008

The Dark

One afternoon a little boy was playing outdoors. He used his mother's broom as a horse and had a wonderful time until it was getting dark.

He left the broom on the back porch. His mother was cleaning up the kitchen when she realized that her broom was missing. She asked the little boy about the broom and he told her where it was.

She then asked him to please go get it. The little boy informed his mom that he was afraid of the dark and didn't want to go out to get the broom.

His mother smiled and said 'The Lord is out there too, don't be afraid'. The little boy opened the back door a little and said 'Lord if you're out there, hand me the broom'.

top.gif (377 bytes)

Monday,  April 21, 2008

Office Visit

An old man limped into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, my knee hurts so bad, I can hardly walk!"

The doctor slowly eyed him from head to toe, paused and then said, "Sir, how old are you?"

"I'm 98," the man announced proudly.

The doctor just sighed, and looked at him again. Finally he said, "Sir, I'm sorry. I mean, just look at you. You are almost one hundred years old, and you're complaining that your knee hurts? Well, what did you expect?"

The old man said, "Well, my other knee is 98 years old too, and it doesn't hurt!"

top.gif (377 bytes)

Sunday,  April 20, 2008

Bean Soup

When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed.

"Good heavens," he said, "what is this?"

"Why, it's bean soup," she replied.

"I don't care what it's been," he replied. "What is it now?"

top.gif (377 bytes)

Saturday,  April 19, 2008

What Would I Be?

A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.

"All right children, let's take another example," she said.

"If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his billfold with all his money, what would I be?"

Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile, he blurts out, "You'd be his wife!"

top.gif (377 bytes)

Friday,  April 18, 2008

Elevator Problem

Soon after our high-tech company moved into a new building, we had trouble with the elevators. A manager got stuck between floors and, after some door banging, finally attracted attention. His name was taken and rescue promised.

It took two hours before the elevator mechanic arrived and got the manager out. When he returned to his desk, he found this note from his efficient secretary: "The elevator people called and will be here in two hours."

top.gif (377 bytes)

Thursday,  April 17, 2008


A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive country club when this stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?!"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well that's the last straw," says the wife.

"I've had enough, I want a divorce. I am going to hire the most aggressive, meanest divorce lawyer I can find and make your life miserable."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more wintering in Key West, or the Caribbean, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Cadillac STS in the garage, and no more country club, and we'll have to sell the 26-room house and move to two smaller homes, but the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

"Who's that with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

She replies, "Ours is prettier."

top.gif (377 bytes)

Wednesday,  April 16, 2008

Dime-a-Minute Plan

Customer: I'm calling about the "dime-a-minute" rate. I want to sign up for that.

Phone Company: Certainly, Sir! Just let me get some information from you.

Customer: Right, well, can you go ahead and tell me when I'll get my first check?

Phone Company: What, Sir?

Customer: Well, since you're going to give me a dime a minute, I wondered when I'll start getting paid.

Phone Company: No, Sir, we don't PAY you.

Customer: You mean this is a FRAUD?

Phone Company: No, Sir! It's just that we don't PAY you the dime a minute. Let me let you talk to a supervisor.

....long conversation with supervisor...

Phone Company: Now do you understand, Sir?

Customer: I guess so. Could we talk about the "friends-and-family" plan? I've always wanted a little brother.

top.gif (377 bytes)

Tuesday,  April 15, 2008

He Must Be

The English teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little

Johnny got up and read his essay. It began, "Daddy fell into the well last week..."

"My goodness!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he all right?"

"He must be," said the boy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday.

top.gif (377 bytes)

Monday,  April 14, 2008

Yearly Physical

A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basic items. 

'How much do you weigh?' she asks.

'115,' she says.

The nurse puts her on the scale. It turns out her weight is 140.

The nurse asks, 'Your height?'

'5 foot 8,' she says.

The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5'.

She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman it is very high.

'Of course it's high!' she screams, when I came in here I was tall and slender!
Now I'm short and fat!'  

top.gif (377 bytes)

Sunday,  April 13, 2008


A man goes into his local building supply store and orders 10,000 bricks.

"May I ask what you're building?" asks the man behind the counter.

"It's going to be a barbecue."

"Wow, that's a lot of bricks for one barbecue,"

"Not really; I live on the 12th floor."

top.gif (377 bytes)

Saturday,  April 12, 2008


"I had the strangest dream last night," a young man told his psychiatrist. "I saw my mother but, when she turned around to look at me, I noticed that she had your face.
As you can imagine, I found this very disturbing. In fact, I woke up immediately and couldn't get back to sleep. I just lay there in bed waiting for morning to come. Then I got up, drank a Coke, and came right over here for my appointment. I thought you could help me explain the meaning of this strange dream."

The psychiatrist was silent for a minute before responding: "A Coke? That's a breakfast?"

top.gif (377 bytes)

Friday,  April 11, 2008


"NEXT," the conference emcee announced, "we have the chief  of the Minnesota State Patrol, Roger Ledding, who is here with his lovely wife, Beverly."

The chief took his place at the lectern. "I'm a little nervous," he began, "getting up before this distinguished  audience and speaking today. But not nearly as nervous as I will be tonight when I must go home with my wife, Audrey, and explain Beverly to her!"

top.gif (377 bytes)

Thursday,  April 10, 2008

Wanna Dance?

A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, "Would you like to dance?"

The girl says, "I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance with you."

The guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants."

top.gif (377 bytes)

Wednesday,  April 9, 2008

Police Dog

The ad in the local newspaper read:  "Purebred Police Dog $25".  Thinking that to be a great bargain, Mrs. Freeman ordered the dog to be delivered. The next day a van pulled up and left her the mangiest looking mongrel she had ever seen.

In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad. "What do you mean by calling that mangy mutt a purebred police dog?"

"Don't be deceived by his looks, Ma'am," he replied.  "He's undercover."

top.gif (377 bytes)

Tuesday,  April 8, 2008

Henry Ford

The fourth-grade class was studying the development of the auto industry. The teacher had emphasized the role played by Henry Ford, whose assembly lines decreased production costs.

At the end of the unit, she gave a test including the question: "What did Henry Ford invent that made buying a car more affordable?"

One of the brightest students in the class wrote: "0% financing."

top.gif (377 bytes)

Monday,  April 7, 2008

What Time Is It?

On some air bases, the military is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day, on just such a field, the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If you are a commercial airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If you are an Air Force aircraft, it is 1500 hours. If you are a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If you are an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If you are a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon .If you are in the National Guard, it's still a couple of hours until quitting time."

top.gif (377 bytes)

Sunday,  April 6, 2008

What Are You Going To Do?

Jack was first up in his foursome. Eyeing the ball, he swung his club and hooked his shot over the fence and down a road where the ball crashed through the windshield of an oncoming car.

The startled driver lost control of his vehicle, and it spun into a parking lot and bounced off three cars.

Jack raced over to the crash scene and was relieved to find that no one was hurt. Almost immediately, a policeman arrived and approached Jack, who was standing next to the crashed car, eyeing his ball. "Just what are you going to do about this?" demanded the policeman.

Jack looked up and said, "Well, the first thing I'm going to do is change my grip."

top.gif (377 bytes)

Saturday,  April 5, 2008

For Sale

In D. C., a guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Sure do." the dog replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.

"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.

"Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Cause he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."

top.gif (377 bytes)

Friday,  April 4, 2008


"Did your wife have much to say when you got home last night?"

"No, but that didn't keep her from talking for two hours."


"Are you saying that your wife is outspoken?"

"Not by anyone I know of."


Being a husband is like any other job . . .

It helps a lot if you like the boss.


The honeymoon is over when he no longer smiles gently as he scrapes the burnt toast.

top.gif (377 bytes)

Wednesday,  April 2, 2008

The End is Near

A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads,
 "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"

They held up the sign to each passing car.

"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by. Then, from around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.

"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

top.gif (377 bytes)

Tuesday,  April 1, 2008


At work, my dad noticed that the name of an employee was the same as an old friend. He found the man's e-mail address and sent him a message.

When Dad received a reply, he was insulted and fired back another e-mail: "I have put on some weight, but I didn't realize it was that noticeable."

His friend's hastily typed message, with an apparent typo, had read: "Hi, Ron. I didn't know you worked here, but I did see a gut that looked like you in the cafeteria.

top.gif (377 bytes)