Wednesday, April 30, 2008
An expert on whales was telling friends about some of the unusual findings he had made. "For instance," he said, "some whales can communicate at a distance of 300 miles."
"What on earth would one whale say to another 300 miles away?" asked a sarcastic member of the group.
"I'm not absolutely sure," answered the expert, "but it sounds
something like 'Heeeeeeey! Can you hear me nowwww!?!
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
At Sunday school they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.
Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and asked, "Johnny, what's the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm gonna have a wife."Monday, April 28, 2008
What to say when caught sleeping at your desk:
10) "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9) "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."
8) "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Wite-Out. You probably got here just in time!"
7) "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
6) "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5) "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate toward people who practice Yoga?"
4) "Dang! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
3) "The coffee machine is broken..."
2) "Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot..."
1) ".....in Jesus' name, Amen."
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Doug had always been
teased by his friends that his wife was more successful than he was. Some
even went so far as to insinuate that he was henpecked. Doug had a sense
of humor and always laughed it off.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
One afternoon I rushed
out of the house, forgetting my keys, and found myself locked out. There
was nothing I could do but wait for my husband to come home. I went over
to a neighbor who was outside raking leaves.
Friday, April 25, 2008
An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him. The Devil said to the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners."
The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"
Thursday, April 24, 2008
I had just moved from an apartment to a house in the same small town. One day at the grocery store, I used the last of my personalized checks bearing my old address. The cashier examined the document and asked if everything on it was correct. I assured her that it was, and she started to put the check in the cash drawer. But then she inquired again if everything was accurate.
"Why do you ask?" I responded.
"Because," she replied, "my husband and I moved to this apartment yesterday, and I don't remember seeing you at breakfast."
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Two mothers were talking about their sons. The first said,
"My son is such a saint. He works hard, doesn't smoke, and he hasn't so much as looked at a woman in over two years."
The other woman said, "Well, my son is a saint himself. Not only hasn't he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn't touched a drop of liquor in all that time."
"My word," the first mother said. "You must be so proud."
"I am," the second mother replied. "And when he's paroled next month, I'm going to throw him a big party."
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
One afternoon a little
boy was playing outdoors. He used his mother's broom as a horse and had a
wonderful time until it was getting dark.
Monday, April 21, 2008
An old man limped into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, my knee hurts so bad, I can hardly walk!"
The doctor slowly eyed him from head to toe, paused and then said, "Sir, how old are you?"
"I'm 98," the man announced proudly.
The doctor just sighed, and looked at him again. Finally he said, "Sir, I'm sorry. I mean, just look at you. You are almost one hundred years old, and you're complaining that your knee hurts? Well, what did you expect?"
The old man said, "Well, my other knee is 98 years old too, and it doesn't hurt!"
Sunday, April 20, 2008
When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed.
"Good heavens," he said, "what is this?"
"Why, it's bean soup," she replied.
"I don't care what it's been," he replied. "What is it now?"
Saturday, April 19, 2008
A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.
"All right children, let's take another example," she said.
"If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his billfold with all his money, what would I be?"
Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile, he blurts out, "You'd be his wife!"
Friday, April 18, 2008
Soon after our high-tech company moved into a new building, we had trouble with the elevators. A manager got stuck between floors and, after some door banging, finally attracted attention. His name was taken and rescue promised.
It took two hours before the elevator mechanic arrived and got the manager out. When he returned to his desk, he found this note from his efficient secretary: "The elevator people called and will be here in two hours."
Thursday, April 17, 2008
A husband and wife were
having a fine dining experience at their exclusive country club when this
stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big
kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Customer: I'm calling about the "dime-a-minute" rate. I want to sign up for that.
Phone Company: Certainly, Sir! Just let me get some information from you.
Customer: Right, well, can you go ahead and tell me when I'll get my first check?
Phone Company: What, Sir?
Customer: Well, since you're going to give me a dime a minute, I wondered when I'll start getting paid.
Phone Company: No, Sir, we don't PAY you.
Customer: You mean this is a FRAUD?
Phone Company: No, Sir! It's just that we don't PAY you the dime a minute. Let me let you talk to a supervisor.
....long conversation with supervisor...
Phone Company: Now do you understand, Sir?
Customer: I guess so. Could we talk about the "friends-and-family" plan? I've always wanted a little brother.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
The English teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little
Johnny got up and read his essay. It began, "Daddy fell into the well last week..."
"My goodness!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he all right?"
"He must be," said the boy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday.
Monday, April 14, 2008
A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly
physical. The nurse starts with certain basic items.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
A man goes into his local building supply store and orders 10,000 bricks.
"May I ask what you're building?" asks the man behind the counter.
"It's going to be a barbecue."
"Wow, that's a lot of bricks for one barbecue,"
"Not really; I live on the 12th floor."
Saturday, April 12, 2008
"I had the strangest dream last night," a
young man told his psychiatrist. "I saw my mother but, when she turned
around to look at me, I noticed that she had your face.
The psychiatrist was silent for a minute before responding: "A Coke? That's a breakfast?"
Friday, April 11, 2008
"NEXT," the conference emcee announced, "we have the chief of the Minnesota State Patrol, Roger Ledding, who is here with his lovely wife, Beverly."
The chief took his place at the lectern. "I'm a little nervous," he began, "getting up before this distinguished audience and speaking today. But not nearly as nervous as I will be tonight when I must go home with my wife, Audrey, and explain Beverly to her!"
Thursday, April 10, 2008
A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, "Would you like to dance?"
The girl says, "I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance with you."
The guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants."
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
The ad in
the local newspaper read: "Purebred Police Dog $25". Thinking that to be
a great bargain, Mrs. Freeman ordered the dog to be delivered. The next
day a van pulled up and left her the mangiest looking mongrel she had ever
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
The fourth-grade class was studying the development of the auto industry. The teacher had emphasized the role played by Henry Ford, whose assembly lines decreased production costs.
At the end of the unit, she gave a test including the question: "What did Henry Ford invent that made buying a car more affordable?"
One of the brightest students in the class wrote: "0% financing."
Monday, April 7, 2008
On some air bases, the military is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day, on just such a field, the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If you are a commercial airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If you are an Air Force aircraft, it is 1500 hours. If you are a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If you are an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If you are a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon .If you are in the National Guard, it's still a couple of hours until quitting time."
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Jack was first up in his foursome. Eyeing the ball, he swung his club and hooked his shot over the fence and down a road where the ball crashed through the windshield of an oncoming car.
The startled driver lost control of his vehicle, and it spun into a parking lot and bounced off three cars.
Jack raced over to the crash scene and was relieved to find that no one was hurt. Almost immediately, a policeman arrived and approached Jack, who was standing next to the crashed car, eyeing his ball. "Just what are you going to do about this?" demanded the policeman.
Jack looked up and said, "Well, the first thing I'm going to do is change my grip."
Saturday, April 5, 2008
In D. C., a guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Sure do." the dog replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.
"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.
"Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Cause he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."
Friday, April 4, 2008
"Did your wife have much to say when you got home last night?"
"No, but that didn't keep her from talking for two hours."
"Are you saying that your wife is outspoken?"
"Not by anyone I know of."
Being a husband is like any other job . . .
It helps a lot if you like the boss.
The honeymoon is over when he no longer smiles gently as he scrapes the burnt toast.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
A priest and pastor
from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign
They held up the sign to each passing car.
"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by. Then, from around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.
"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
At work, my dad noticed that the name of an employee was the same as an old friend. He found the man's e-mail address and sent him a message.
When Dad received a reply, he was insulted and fired back another e-mail: "I have put on some weight, but I didn't realize it was that noticeable."
His friend's hastily typed message, with an apparent typo, had read: "Hi, Ron. I didn't know you worked here, but I did see a gut that looked like you in the cafeteria.