Thursday, April 30, 2009
"You just go ahead," the man in the shopping mall said to his wife. "While you're shopping, I'll browse in the hardware store."
An hour later, she returned and saw him at the checkout counter. The clerk was ringing up the last of a pile of tools and supplies that would fill two wheelbarrows.
"Are you buying all this?" his wife asked incredulously.
Well, yes," he said, embarrassed. Then waving his arm toward the interior of the store, he added, "But look at all the stuff I'm leaving behind!"
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their whole lives studying the majestic grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study these wondrous beasts.
Finally, their request was granted and they immediately flew to NY and then on West to Yellowstone. They reported to the local ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was much too dangerous to go out and study the animals.
They pleaded that this was their only chance. Finally the ranger relented. The Russian and the Czech were given cell phones and told to report in each and every day.
For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists. The rangers mounted a search party and found the scientists' camp completely ravaged. No sign of the missing men.
They then followed the trail of a male and a female bear. They found the female and decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists because they feared an international incident.
They killed the female and cut open the bear's stomach... only to find the remains of the Russian.
One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know what this means, don't you?"
"Of course," the other ranger nodded. "The Czech is in the male."
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping".
To the Scotsman, he says "You're in charge of shoveling".
And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies".
So the foreman goes away for a couple of hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese fella that he wasa ina
charge of supplies,
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."
The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did laddie, boot ah couldnay get meeself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese in chairge of supplies, boot ah could nay find him either."
The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells, "SUPPLIES!"
Monday, April 27, 2009
A man traveling in southern New York was headed for the New Jersey border...when he saw a large sign... "LAST CHANCE FOR $2.25 GAS!"
He still had more than a quarter of a tank left, but figured he'd better take advantage of this opportunity to fill-up his tank at $2.25.
As he was getting his change from the attendant, he asked, "How much is gas in New Jersey?"
The attendant replied, "$1.89."
Sunday, April 26, 2009
My mother and I returned to my parents' house late one evening to find my father, my college-age brother, Steven, and my ten-year-old sister fast asleep. Mom had forgotten her house keys, so we knocked loudly, first at the back door and then the front and side doors. We yelled my father's name over and over, with no answer. The car horn aroused the neighbors but no one at our house.
We drove into town and phoned home, finally waking Steven. When we got back, he let us in. Dad was in bed, snoring, with the television on. Mom quietly switched it off.
Dad woke right up. "Don't turn that off," he said. "I'm watching it!"
Saturday, April 25, 2009
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture.
An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down.
After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."
But the bandit didn't speak English and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish!
Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message.
The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.
"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered, "He said, 'Get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"
Friday, April 24, 2009
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food.", the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!" They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall."
Thursday, April 23, 2009
The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard at low pay for long hours. The blacksmith immediately began his instructions to the lad.
"When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer."
The apprentice did just as he told. Now he's the village blacksmith....
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
A woman was scheduled to fly from North Carolina to Germany, where her husband was stationed in the military.
As she checked in at the airport, the ticket agent asked her some standard security questions.
"Has anyone given you any packages that you didn't pack yourself?" he asked.
She told him that her mother-in-law had given me a parcel to take to her son.
He looked at her very carefully and asked: "Does she like you?"
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
There is a accordion player driving home from a late night gig. Feeling tired, he pulls into a local store for some coffee.
While waiting to pay, he remembers that he locked his car doors but left the accordion in plain view on the back seat of his car!
He rushes out only to realize that he is too late.
The back window of his car was smashed and somebody had already thrown in two more accordions.
Monday, April 20, 2009
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
"Now, class, closely observe the worms," said the professor while putting a worm into the water.
The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?" the professor asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded confidently, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
Sunday, April 19, 2009
This guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a mudslide.
The bartender looks at the man and says "You're not from round here are ya?"
"No" replies the man, "I'm from Pennsylvania."
The bartender looks at him and says "Well what do you do in Pennsylvania?"
"I'm a taxidermist." says the man.
The bartender, looking very bewildered, now asks "What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?"
The man looks at the bartender and says "Well, I mount dead animals."
The bartender stands back and hollers at the everyone in the whole bar , "It's okay, boys! He's one of us!"
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Monday: Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said, "Beat 12 eggs separately" The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
Tuesday: Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "Serve without dressing." So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.
Wednesday: A good day for rice. Recipe said, "Wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.
Thursday: Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, "Prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." Which is what led up to Bob asking me why there was lettuce in our bed that night.
Friday: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "Put all ingredients in bowl and beat it." There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
Saturday: Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. ( oh boy) For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten.
Sunday: Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
Good night, Dear Diary. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with "Chocolate Moose."
Friday, April 17, 2009
A father is asked by his friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?"
"Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector," replied the boy's father.
His friend thought for a moment and responded, "That's a rather strange ambition to have for a career."
"Well," said the boy's father, "he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!"
Thursday, April 16, 2009
The basketball coach stormed into the university president's office and demanded a raise right then and there.
"Please," protested the college President, "you already make more than the entire History department."
"Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with," the coach blustered. "Look."
He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. "Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered.
Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath. "You're not there, sir," he reported.
"Oh, I see what you mean," conceded the President, scratching his head. "I would have phoned."
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
A man tried to sell his neighbor a new dog. "This is a talking dog," he said. "And you can have him for five dollars."
The neighbor said, "Who do you think you're kidding with this talking-dog stuff? There ain't no such animal."
Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. "Please buy me, Sir," he pleaded. "This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never bathes me, never takes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest trick dog in America. I performed before kings. I was in the army and was decorated ten times."
"Hey!" said the neighbor. "He can talk. Why do you want to sell him for just five dollars?"
"Because," said the seller, "I'm getting tired of all his lies."
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down.
The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."
Monday, April 13, 2009
A Missouri farmer passed away and left 17 mules to his three sons. The instructions left in the will said that the oldest boy was to get one-half, the second oldest one-third, and the youngest one-ninth. The three sons, recognizing the difficulty of dividing 17 mules into these fractions, began to argue.
Their uncle heard about the argument, hitched up his mule and drove out to settle the matter. He added his mule to the 17, making 18.
The oldest therefore got one-half, or nine, the second oldest got one-third, or six, and the youngest son got one-ninth, or two.
Adding up 9, 6 and 2 equals 17. The uncle, having settled the argument, hitched up his mule and drove home.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear. "How are you, darling?" she said.
"What kind of a day are you having?"
"Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have two couples to dinner tonight."
The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy. "Oh, darling," she said, "sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you.
I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do everything. In fact, I'll even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once."
"George?" said the housewife. "Who's George?"
"Why, George! Your husband!....Is this 223-1374?
"No, this is 223-1375."
"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number."
There was a short pause and the housewife said, "Does this mean you're not coming over?"
Saturday, April 11, 2009
The Rev. Billy Graham tells of at time early in his career when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon.
Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was. When the boy told him, Rev. Graham thanked him and said, "If you'll come to the Baptist church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven."
"I don't think I'll be there," the boy said.
"You don't even know your way to the post office."
Friday, April 10, 2009
I'm dyslexic, and I attended a conference about the disorder with a friend. The speakers asked us to share a personal experience with the group. I told them stress aggravates my condition, in which I reverse words and letters when I'm tense.
When I finished speaking, my friend leaned over to me and whispered,
"Now I know why you named your daughter Hannah."
Thursday, April 9, 2009
I frequently receive calls from pollsters asking me to participate in telephone surveys. One woman began with a barrage of questions.
"Wait a moment," I said. "Who are you and whom do you represent?"
She told me and immediately continued asking questions.
"What's the purpose of this survey?" I asked.
"Sir," she replied irritably, "I don't have time to answer your questions." Then she hung up.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Three mischievous boys went to the zoo one day for an outing, since they had been at school all week. They decided to visit the elephant cage, but soon enough, they were picked up by a cop for causing a commotion.
The officer hauled them off to security for questioning. The supervisor in charge asked them to give their names and tell what they were doing at the elephant cage.
The first boy innocently said, "My name is Gary, and I was just throwing peanuts into the elephant cage."
The second added, "My name is Larry, and all I was doing was throwing peanuts into the elephant cage."
The third boy was a little shaken up and said, "Well, my name is Peter, but my friends call me Peanuts.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
The seven year old told her mom, that a little boy in her class asked her to play doctor. "Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?"
"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double billed the insurance company."
Monday, April 6, 2009
One beautiful Sunday morning, a priest announced to his congregation:
"My good people, I have here in my hands four sermons...
a $100 sermon that lasts five minutes,
a $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, a $10 sermon that lasts a full hour, and a coin sermon that lasts till noon.
"Now, we'll take the collection to see which one you want."
Sunday, April 5, 2009
A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a deep voice: DIG!
He looks around: nobody's there. "I am having hallucinations," he thinks. Then he hears the voice again: I SAID, DIG !
So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some inches, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock.
The deep voice says: OPEN!
Ok, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a rock with which to destroy the lock, and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins.
The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO!
Well the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest and walks to the casino.
The deep voice says: ROULETTE!
So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables where the players gaze at him with disbelief.
The deep voice says: 27!
The man takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly bursts. Everybody is quiet when the croupier throws the ball.
The ball stays at the 26.
The deep voice says: OOOPS!
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Three guys were trying to sneak into the Olympic Village to scoop souvenirs and autographs. The first says, "Let's watch the registration table to see if there's a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in."
Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states, "Angus MacPherson. Scotland. Shotput." He opens his gym bag to display a shotput to the registration attendant.
The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is your packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information."
The first guy gets inspired and grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states: "Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin."
The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!"
The second guy grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up to the registration table and states: "Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus."
The attendant says, "Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself."
They scamper in, but suddenly realize the third guy is missing. They groan, because he's a simpleton from the hills of Arkansas. They forgot to make sure he doesn't do something stupid and blow their cover stories.
Just then he walks proudly up to the table with a roll of barbed wire under his arm and states: "Foster Bean. Hope, Arkansas. Fencing."
Friday, April 3, 2009
A pig and a chicken were walking by a church where a gala charity event was taking place. Getting caught up in the spirit, the pig suggested to the chicken that they each make a contribution.
"Great idea!" the chicken cried. "Let's offer them ham and eggs?"
"Not so fast," said the pig. "For you, that's a contribution. For me, it's a total commitment."
Thursday, April 2, 2009
The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant.
If omitted in one place, they turn up in another.
When a Bostonian "pahks his cah," the lost R's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl" wells.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul.
Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both come from good families. Both are equally attractive and well spoken. It's up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each aside and asks, 'Why did you become a lawyer?'
In seconds, he chooses Paul.
Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside. 'I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?'
'I said I became a lawyer because of my hands,' Robert replies.
'Your hands? What do you mean?'
'Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!'