April 30, 2010
Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at four forty four a.m. by his ringing telephone. . .
"Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an angry voice.
Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up.
The next morning at precisely four forty four a.m., Bernard called his neighbor back. "Good morning, Mr. Williams.... I just called to say that I don't *have* a dog."
April 29, 2010
Two nuns were driving in the country and ran out of gas. They spotted a farmhouse to ask the farmer if he could give them enough gas to get to the next town.
The farmer agrees, but says he has no container to put the gas in. He takes them into the barn to see if there is anything they can find that will do the job.
Amidst a pile of junk one of the nuns spots a bedpan and says, "That will do just great! We're used to using those bedpans in the hospital."
Farmer fills it with gas for them. The nuns take the bedpan full of gas back to their car. They pour the gas into their car's gas tank when a car drives up. The window rolls down and a man leans out the window and says, "Sisters ... I'm not a Roman Catholic ... as a matter of fact I'm a Baptist clergyman. But I just had to stop to tell you how much I admire your faith that that's going to work!!!"
April 28, 2010
A man walking down the street noticed a small boy trying to reach the doorbell of a house. Even when he jumped up, he couldn't quite reach it.
The man decided to help the boy, walked up on to the porch and pushed the doorbell. He looked down at the boy, smiled and asked, "What now?"
The boy answered, "Now we run like crazy!"
April 27, 2010
When I went with my stepdaughter to visit a prestigious university, our student guide pointed out the nationally ranked library and state-of-the-art science facilities. She told us that the professors were the best in the world, and she recommended my stepdaughter apply early to improve her chances for admission. "We get so many applicants," she boasted, "because of the stature of the school."
After the tour I asked our guide, "So, why did you choose this school?"
"Oh," she replied matter-of-factly, "my boyfriend goes here."
April 26, 2010
My wife-to-be and I were at the county clerk's office for our marriage license. After recording the vital information--names, dates of birth, etc--the clerk handed me our license and deadpanned,
"No refunds, no exchanges, no warranties."
April 25, 2010
Dear John: I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men.
I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart.
I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours? Jane
Dear John: I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you.
Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever.
When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?
April 24, 2010
The young man entered the Ice Cream Palace and asked, "What kinds of ice cream do you have?"
"Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry," the girl wheezed as she spoke, patted her chest and seemed unable to continue.
"You got laryngitis?" the young man asked sympathetically.
"Nope," she whispered, "just vanilla, chocolate and strawberry."
April 23, 2010
A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car.
After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.
A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing.
"I'm blessing it," the priest replied.
The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of the tailpipe.
April 22, 2010
I was playing tooth fairy when my daughter suddenly woke up. Seeing the money in my hand, she cried out, "I caught you!"
I froze and tried to think of an explanation for why it was me, instead of the tooth fairy, putting the money under her pillow--but her next words let me off the hook.
"You put that money back!" she said indignantly. "The tooth fairy left that for me!"
April 21, 2010
Born and raised in a large city, I decided to move to a small town in New England for a change from "life in the fast lane."
I didn't realize just how laid-back the rural life could be, however, until I heard my first weather forecast on a local television station.
There were no maps or satellite pictures to explain weather patterns. Instead, the forecaster, a kindly older man, cheerfully predicted,
"Well, it's rain, rain and more rain! Just how much? Your guess is as good as mine. Good-night, folks."
April 20, 2010
When a physician remarked on a new patient's extraordinarily ruddy complexion, he said, "High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family."
"Your mother's side or your father's?" I asked.
"Neither," he replied. "It's from my wife's family."
"Oh, come now," I said. "How could your wife's family give you high blood pressure?"
He sighed. "You oughta meet 'em sometime, Doc!"
April 19, 2010
A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?"
"Yes," his wife replied. "I married into the family."
April 18, 2010
Toward the end of our senior year in high school, we were required to take a CPR course. The classes used the well known mannequin-victim, Resusci Anne, to practice. My group's model was legless to allow for storage in a carrying case.
The class went off in groups to practice. As instructed, one of my classmates gently shook the doll and asked "Are you all right?" He then put his ear over the mannequin's mouth to listen for breathing.
Suddenly he turned to the instructor and exclaimed, "She said she can't feel her legs!"
April 17, 2010
A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, "We've got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning."
Her husband replied, "Well, lots of dogs can do that."
The wife responded, "But we've never subscribed to any papers!"
April 16, 2010
Scott and Peter had applied for jobs at a large company and had to take an intelligence test. They each found the test a breeze, except that they admitted to being momentarily stumped by the final question: "Name a 14 letter word for someone in charge of a plant."
"How did you answer that last one?" asked Scott. "I was a bit puzzled at first, but then I thought of Superintendent."
"I think I got it right too," said Pete, "but I wrote down Horticulturist."
April 15, 2010
At the company water cooler, the office braggart was boring his fellow workers as usual. His topic of the day was about his children's world travels: one son was teaching in Bolivia, another working in southern Italy. Finally, he told everyone that his daughter was working on a year's research project in India.
"What is it about you," a co-worker finally asked, "that makes your kids want to get so far away?"
April 14, 2010
This guy is walking with his friend. He says to this friend, "You know, Benny's a a walking economy."
His friend replies, "How so?"
"His hair line is in recession, his stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting him into a deep depression."
April 13, 2010
Two candidates for political office inadvertently scheduled simultaneous campaign rallies in the same park of a small New England town. After a lengthy round of speeches, the candidates worked their way through the crowd -- shaking hands, kissing babies and beaming mightily. Suddenly, the skies opened and it began to rain.
One of the candidates fled to take shelter in a nearby restaurant along with half a dozen regulars. The other candidate, however, continued to move through the crowd -- shaking hands, kissing babies, etc.
"That man's persistence," observed one of the natives, "sure makes it easy to know who to vote for."
"Yep," another native agreed. "Sure can't see myself casting a vote for a man who hasn't the good sense to come in out of the rain."
April 12, 2010
Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. To prove to the armadillo that it could be done.
Q. What do you call a chicken that crosses the road twice without taking a bath?
A. A dirty double crosser.
Q. Why did the chicken only cross the road halfway?
A. It wanted to lay it on the line.
Q. Why did the fox cross the road?
A. It was after that chicken!
Q. Where does a Horse go when he gets sick?
A. The "Horse-pital."
Q. What did the monkey say when he put his tail on the Railroad tracks?
A. It won't be long now!
Q. What has four wheels and flies?
A. A trash truck.
Q. Why did the boat go to the doc?
A. He was sick.
Q. What did the digital watch say to his mom?
A. "Look mom no hands.
April 11, 2010
In this particular branch of the Army's officer training school, the instructor was returning a test. The students identified their work by the last four digits of their Social Security number. In the early hours of a morning, the instructor was calling the numbers.
"Four-seven-seven-zero?" he asked.
"Here," replied one half-awake lieutenant-to-be. Taking the paper, though, he realized he had mistakenly asked for the wrong paper.
"Seven-zero-seven-five?" asked the instructor.
"Here," repeated the student, gearing for trouble.
"I thought you were four-seven-seven-zero, soldier," spoke the teacher.
"That's right, sir," answered our hero. "I have a nick-number."
April 10, 2010
The son of a friend graduated from high school, so I sent him a card to congratulate him. I enclosed some money and scribbled some words of wisdom inside.
He sent me back a note saying, "Thank you for the gift. Also thank you for the advice. My mom always told me that you were full of it."
April 9, 2010
In the YMCA exercise room, a former professional boxer, now in his 70's, was pounding the bag. A middle-aged doctor, a wannabe jock, was doing sit-ups.
After a while the doctor stood up and bragged to the boxer that he'd just done 500 sit-ups. Without breaking the rhythm of his punches, the former boxer replied, "That's all right. Don't get discouraged.
Keep trying and you'll get better."
April 8, 2010
A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name?"
One child answered, "Mary."
The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?"
A little kid said, "The Verge."
Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"
The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about The Verge 'n' Mary."
April 7, 2010
An expectant mother was being rushed to the hospital, but didn't quite make it.
She gave birth to her baby on the hospital lawn. Later, the father received a bill, listing "Delivery Room Fee: $500."
He wrote the hospital and reminded them the baby was born on the front lawn. A week passed, and a corrected bill arrived:
"Greens Fee: $200."
April 6, 2010
At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer. "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software how many of you would disembark immediately?"
Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard.
With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.
April 5, 2010
The doctor took his patient into a room and said, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The patient said, "Give me the good news first."
"They're going to name a disease after you."
April 4, 2010
An optometrist was instructing a new employee on how to charge a customer.
"As you are fitting his glasses, if he asks how much they cost, you say '$75.'
If his eyes don't flutter, say, 'For the frames. The lenses will be $50.'
If his eyes still don't flutter, you add 'Each.'"
April 3, 2010
Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. "So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."
Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000." The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon.
"Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits."
April 2, 2010
A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was nearing home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and try the same thing.
As we was driving back into his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat farther and farther away, but the darn cat would always beat him home.
At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and he left the cat there.
Hours later, the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes," the wife answers. "Why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answers: "Put that lousy cat on the phone. I'm lost and I need directions!"
April 1, 2010
A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.
In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of story: always let your boss have the first say.