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April, 2011

Three Good Friends The Handyman The Perfect Turkey
Senior Center Fairway Drive Guilty of Murder
Drawing God Dress of Love Chicken Coup
Computer Virus Blind Date Communications Class
Dean's List Florist Wars Foods Can Kill
Old Golfers Going To A Lecture Behaving Like Angels
Snow Emergency I Didn't Do It! Three Weeks
Celebrating Holidays SOLD Set It Free
The Clock Arrived A Squirrel Burned Ears
The Real Reason Dress Code Never, Never, Never...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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April 30, 2011

Never, Never, Never...

A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon."

Alarmed, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago."

Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way. Now, what was it she wanted?"

"Snow."

 

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April 29, 2011

Dress Code

A guy went to a very exclusive restaurant dressed in a clown suit. The whole regalia. Big floppy shoes, a red ball on his nose, Bozo-type hair, the whole schtick.

The Maitre D' said, "I'm sorry, sir, I can't let you in dressed like that. Our dress code is very strict. Gentlemen must wear a jacket and a tie."

The guy said, "Please, sir, let me explain. I am a prominent business man in town here. My name is Rich Bigbucks. I am the Chief Executive Officer of Greed, Inc. I am dressed like this because I was one of the volunteers that went to the Children's Hospital today to help cheer up the sick and injured children. We do this every month or so."

The Maitre D' said, "Well, sir, it is highly irregular. But having listened to the circumstances, I will let you in. But a warning! Don't try anything funny!"

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April 28, 2011

The Real Reason

When I went with my stepdaughter to visit a prestigious university, our student guide pointed out the nationally ranked library and state-of-the-art science facilities.

She told us that the professors were the best in the world, and she recommended my stepdaughter apply early to improve her chances for admission. "We get so many applicants," she boasted, "because of the stature of the school."

After the tour I asked our guide, "So, why did you choose this school?"

"Oh," she replied matter-of-factly, "my boyfriend goes here."

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April 27, 2011

Burned Ears

A guy burned two ears... so they were asking him at the hospital how it happened.

He said, ''I was ironing my clothing and the phone rang...so instead of the phone I picked up the iron and burned my ear...''

''But how the heck did you burn the other ear?'' The doctor asked.

''How do you think I called you people?''

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April 26, 2011

A Squirrel

A pastor was giving the children's message during church. For this part of the service, he would gather all the children around him and give a brief lesson before dismissing them for children's church.

On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on industry and preparation. He started out by saying, "I'm going to describe something, and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is." The children nodded eagerly.

"This thing lives in trees (pause) and eats nuts (pause)..." No hands went up. "And it is gray (pause) and has a long bushy tail (pause)..."

The children were looking at each other, but still no hands raised.

"And it jumps from branch to branch (pause) and chatters and flips its tail when it's excited (pause)..."

Finally one little boy tentatively raised his hand. The pastor breathed a sigh of relief and called on him. "Well," said the boy, "I know the answer must be Jesus ... but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me!"

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April 25, 2011

The Clock Arrived

There was an expectant father who had spent quite some time waiting for the offspring to arrive - at his in-laws' place.

Since his time-off balance had gone into the red, he tells his father-in-law, "When my son comes, do not call up my office and say that I have become a father of a boy because I'll have to shell out a lot for parties. Just leave me a message that the clock has arrived. This will be our code for the arrival of the baby."

The offspring does finally arrive one day, but it's a daughter. The father-in-law now thinks to himself, "If I tell him that the clock has not arrived, he'll misunderstand and think that something has happened to the baby and come rushing over."

So the father-in-law left the following message: "The clock has arrived, but the pendulum is missing."

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April 24, 2011

Set It Free

If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back, it will always be yours.

If it doesn't come back,

It was never yours to begin with.

But if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free...

You either married it or gave birth to it.

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April 23, 2011

SOLD

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a  mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double-take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.

The store owner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.

The collector says "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."

And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.

The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."

And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."

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April 22, 2011

Celebrating Holidays

An atheist complained to a friend, "Christians have their special holidays, such as Christmas and Easter; and Jews celebrate their holidays, such as Passover and Yom Kippur; Muslims have their holidays.  EVERY religion has its holidays.  But we atheists," he said, "have no recognized national holidays.  It's an unfair discrimination."

His friend replied, "Well...  Why don't you celebrate April first?"

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April 21, 2011

Three Weeks

Suffering from a bad case of the flu, a man phoned his doctor for to get an appointment.

When he was told scheduled date of the appointment, he became outraged and bellowed, "Three weeks? The doctor can't see me for three weeks?

I could well be dead by then!"

Calmly, the receptionist replied, "If so, would you have your wife call to cancel the appointment?"

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April 20, 2011

I Didn't Do It!

Two robbers are talking in their shared jail cell:

''What are you in for?''

''I'm here for something I did not do!''

''So you are innocent? What did you do?''

''I did not run fast enough!''

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April 19, 2011

Snow Emergency

John and Lena were sitting down to their usual morning cup of coffee, listening to the weather report coming over the radio.

"There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared," the weather report said. "You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets."

John says "Jeez, okay," and gets up from his coffee.

The next day they're sitting down with their morning cups of coffee and the weather forecast declares "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets."

Again, John says "Jeez, okay," and gets up from his coffee.

Two days later, again they're sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast says, "There will be 6 to 9 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the - "

Just then the power goes out and John doesn't get the rest of the instructions.

He turns to Lena and says "Jeez, what am I going to do now, Lena?"

Lena replies "Aw, John, why don't you just leave the car in the garage today?"

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April 18, 2011

Behaving Like Angels

 The fourth-grade teacher had to leave the room for a few minutes.

When she returned, she found the children in perfect order. Everybody was sitting absolutely quiet.

She was shocked and stunned and said, "I've never seen anything like it before. This is wonderful. But, please tell me, what came over all of you? Why are you so well behaved and quiet?"

Finally, after much urging, little Sally spoke up and said, "Well, one time you said that if you ever came back and found us quiet, you would drop dead."

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April 17, 2011

Going To A Lecture

One night a man - who was in no shape to drive - wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along the road, he was stopped by a policeman.

"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer.

"I'm going to a lecture." the man said.

"And just who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.

"My wife." said the man.

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April 16, 2011

Old Golfers

 "How was your game, dear?" asked Gerry's wife.

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered.

"But you're 75 years old, Gerry!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take Scott along?"

"But he's 85 and doesn't play golf anymore," protested Gerry.

"But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you," She pointed out.

The next day Gerry teed off with Scott looking on. Gerry swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.

"Do you see it?" asked Gerry.

"Yup," Scott answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Gerry, peering off into the distance.

"I forgot."

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April 15, 2011

Foods Can Kill

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."

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April 14, 2011

Florist Wars

Some friars were behind in their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise the funds.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.

He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her.

So, the rival florist hired Hugh Mac Taggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop.

Terrified, the friars did so.

The Moral of the Story:

Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars!

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April 13, 2011

Dean's List

College student: "Hey, Dad! I've got some great news for you!"

Father: "What, son?"

College student: "Remember that $500 you promised me if I made the Dean's list?"

Father: "I certainly do."

College student: "Well, you get to keep it."

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April 12, 2011

Communications Class

Some teachers at state universities get to know our students fairly well. One instructor told his communications class of his plans to propose marriage.

A student spoke up and said that he had recently asked his girlfriend to marry him as well.

"What was her answer?" the instructor asked.

"I don't know," the student replied. "She hasn't e-mailed me back yet."

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April 11, 2011

Blind Date

"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her 21 year old roommate.

"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."

"Wow! That's a very expensive classic car. What's so bad about that?"

"He was the original owner."

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April 10, 2011

Computer Virus

A Co-worker asked if I knew what to do about a computer problem that was preventing her from getting e-mail. After calling the help desk, I told my colleague that e-mail was being delayed to check for a computer virus.

"It's a variant of the I Love You virus, only worse," I said.

"What could be worse?" my single co-worker asked wryly. "The Let's Just Be Friends virus?"

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April 9, 2011

Chicken Coup

A man was having trouble getting his neighbor to keep his chickens fenced in. The neighbor kept talking about chickens being God's creatures, and as such they had the right to go where they wanted.

The man was having no luck keeping the chickens out of his flower beds, and he had tried everything. Two weeks later, on a visit I noticed his flower beds were doing great. The flowers were beginning to bloom.

So I asked him how he managed to keep the birds away. "How did you make your neighbor keep his hens in his own yard?"

"One night I hid half a dozen eggs under a bush by my flower bed, and the next day I let my neighbor see me gather them. I wasn't bothered after that."

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April 8, 2011

Dress of Love

An old woman went to visit her daughter and she found her naked, waiting for her husband. The mother asks the daughter, "What are you doing naked?"

The daughter responds, "This is the dress of love."

When the mother returns home, she strips naked and waits for her husband. When her husband arrives, he asks her, "What are you doing naked?"

She responds, "This is the dress of love."

"Well," he says to her, "go iron it."

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April 7, 2011

Drawing God

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "but no one  knows what God looks like."

Without looking up from her drawing the  girl replied, "They will in a minute."

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April 6, 2011

Guilty of Murder

A defendant was on trial for murder in Oklahoma. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.

In the defenseís closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick."Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

Answered the jury foreman: "Oh, we did look. But your client didnít."

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April 5, 2011

Fairway Drive

Mark drove his second shot from the fairway, not thinking he'd reach the green being a par 5 and out over 200 yards. The ball did land on the green & almost hit a fellow who was just finishing his putt. Mark went up to apologize and to explain, but the man was irate, yelling & screaming.

The man charged at Mark swinging his putter.

Mark who still had his 3 wood in hand, started swinging back at the man.

When the police and ambulance arrived they took Mark into custody, and asked him how many times he hit the man. Mark replied, "Well I hit him eight times but you can put me down for five."

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April 4, 2011

Senior Center

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center. Claude the hypnotist exclaimed, "I'm here to put you into a trance. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful, antique
pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."


The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch.

Then, suddenly, the watch slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the
floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"CRAP!" said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center .

Claude was never invited back to entertain.

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April 3, 2011

The Perfect Turkey

An industrious turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey. 

His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get-together. "Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!"

They all asked the farmer how it tasted. "Don't know" said the farmer. "Never could catch it!!!"

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April 2, 2011

The Handyman

A handyman was working for a Synagogue had asked for a raise and was turned down. He decided to quit and went out to look for work. First he went to a Catholic church and was told that in order to work there he would have to answer one question. The priest asked, "Where was Jesus born?"

 

The man answered, "Pittsburgh," and was thrown out.

 

He then went to a Baptist church. The minister told him that in order to get a job there he would have to answer a question. He was asked, "Where was Jesus
born?"

 

The man answered, "Philadelphia."  He was tossed out.

 

Walking away he met the rabbi who was looking for him. The rabbi exclaimed, "The board approved your raise. Please come back immediately."

 

The man said to the rabbi, "I will come back only if you answer a question. "Where was Jesus born?"

 

The rabbi says, "Bethlehem."

 

"Rats," cries the man. "I knew it was in Pennsylvania."

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April 1, 2011

Three Good Friends

Three good friends were driving along on the highway one Saturday: a doctor, a teacher, and a lawyer. All of a sudden, a brand-new SUV cut them off. In an attempt to miss the shiny big vehicle, the driver swerved to the left and hit the median. The car flipped several times and all three friends died instantly.

They all found themselves in line waiting to get into Heaven. The doctor asked the others, "Hey, what do you want people to say at your funeral? I want them to say, 'She was a great doctor, and she never let down any of her patients.'"

The teacher said, "I want people to remember me as a great educator, so I would want to hear people say, 'He was a wonderful teacher, a great role model for children, and he changed countless lives throughout his career.'"

Then the lawyer said, "I'd like people to say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

 

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