April 30, 2012
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.
The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.
A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer said he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?"
The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."
April 29, 2012
I had purchased a talking metronome while I was attending a conference in New York for music teachers. Before my son and I boarded our flight home, I hefted my carry-on bag onto the security-check conveyor belt.
The guard's eyes widened as he watched the monitor. He asked what I had in the bag, then slowly pulled out the six-by-three-inch black box covered with dials and switches. Other travelers, sensing trouble, vacated the area.
"A metronome," I replied weakly, as my son cringed in embarrassment.
"It's a talking metronome," I insisted. "Look, I'll show you." I took the box and flipped a switch, realizing that I had no idea how it worked, "One... two... three... four," it said. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief.
As we gathered our belongings, my son whispered, "Aren't you glad it didn't go 'four... three... two... one...'?"
April 28, 2012
Once upon a time a man was married to a wife with a particular aversion to cooking. Everyday, all day she sat around the house eating bonbons and watching "As The World Churns" on television. When he came home after a hard day at work and asked, "What's for dinner, Hon?" she always replied, "How do I know. Fix what you want."
So, getting tired of this and wanting some nourishing food he did not have time to cook after coming home, he probably set about inventing an electric pot he could turn on, leave it all day, and have a delicious roast or tasty stew in the evenings. After talking to his fellow workers about this, they wanted one like his.
Realizing he had something good, he tried to get it patented; but, when he went to a local manufacturer to explain he had an electric pot that would cook all day without burning the food, I am sure the manufacturer said, "I think that's a crock."
As they say, the rest is history.
April 27, 2012
A linguistics professor was lecturing his class.
"In English," he explained, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However," the professor continued, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up. "Yeah, right."
April 26, 2012
A man and wife were celebrating their 50-year anniversary, so the man bought his wife a $250 see-through nightgown.
Later that night she was getting ready for bed and realized the nightgown was still in the box downstairs. Walking naked through the house, she passed her husband who said, "My word, for $250 they could've at least ironed it!"
April 25, 2012
The owner of a large factory decided to make a surprise visit and check up on his staff. Walking though the plant, he noticed a young man leaning lazily against a post.
"Just how much are you being paid a week?" said the owner angrily.
"Three hundred bucks," replied the young man.
Taking out a fold of bills from his wallet, the owner counted out $300, slapped the money into the boy's hands, and said, "Here's a week's pay — now get out and don't come back!"
Turning to one of the supervisors, he said "How long has that lazy bum been working here anyway?"
"He doesn't work here," said the supervisor. "He was just here to deliver a pizza!"
April 24, 2012
One day a State Trooper was pulling off an expressway near Chicago. When he turned onto the street at the end of the ramp, he noticed someone at a chicken place getting into his car. The driver placed the bucket of chicken on top of his car, got in and drove off with the bucket still on top of his car.
So the trooper decides to pull him over and perform a community service by giving the driver his chicken. So he pulled him over, walked up to the car, pulled the bucket off the roof and offered it to the driver.
The driver looks at the trooper and says, "No thanks, I just bought some."
April 23, 2012
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."
The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic."
St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "about 1,500."
"That's right! You may enter."
St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
April 22, 2012
I sat there waiting for my new doctor to make his way through the file that contained my very extensive medical history. After he finished all 17 pages, he looked at me and said,
"You look better in person than you do on paper."
April 21, 2012
An IRS agent goes into a synagogue looking for the rabbi.
"Rabbi", he says when he sees him, "do you know a Mr. Morris Katz?"
"Yes, I do," says the rabbi.
"Is he a member of your congregation?" asks the agent.
"Yes, he is," says the rabbi.
"Did he make the $100,000 donation to the synagogue that he claims on his tax return?" asks the IRS agent.
"I can assure you he will!" says the rabbi.
April 20, 2012
One reason the Armed Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language.
For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.
Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.
Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.
The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.
April 19, 2012
I work for an accounting firm where it's not unusual to have an IRS agent in the office examining taxpayer records. We try to let clients know when an agent is present so they will watch what they say.
One time a co-worker handed a client a note which read, "There is an IRS agent in the office."
The client scribbled a response and handed it back to the accountant.
"I know," the client wrote. "It's my brother-in-law."
April 18, 2012
A young bride and groom to be had just selected the wedding ring. As the girl admired the plain platinum and diamond band, she suddenly looked concerned.
"Tell me," she asked the elderly salesman, "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?"
With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, "One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to dip it in dishwater three times a day."
April 17, 2012
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.
Problem: “Left inside
main tire almost needs replacement.”
Problem: “Test flight OK,
except auto-land very rough.”
Problem: “Something loose
Problem: “Evidence of
hydraulic leak on right main landing gear.”
Problem: “Number three
Problem: “DME volume
Problem: “Dead bugs on
Problem: “Autopilot in
altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.”
Problem: “Friction locks
cause throttle levers to stick.”
April 16, 2012
A Cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge HEART covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When confronted later, he said: "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral . . . I'm a gynecologist."
At that point, the proctologist fainted !
April 15, 2012
Two trucks loaded with a thousand copies of Roget's Thesaurus collided as they left a New York publishing house last Thursday, according to the Associated Press.
Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied....
April 14, 2012
The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"
The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"
The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."
April 13, 2012
I come from a large family, five sisters and three brothers.
My sisters and I were looking through the family photo album one day. Picture after picture, we were all dressed in matching clothes. I asked my mother why she dressed us all alike, right down to the baby.
She explained, "When we had just four children, I dressed you alike so we wouldn't lose any of you. Then," she added, looking at the pictures in the album, "When the other four came along, I started dressing you alike so we won't pick up any that don't belong to us."
April 12, 2012
Picture yourself near a stream.
Birds are softly chirping in the crisp cool mountain air.
Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place.
You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world".
The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
The water is clear.
You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water.
Look. It's the person who caused you all this stress in the first place.
What a pleasant surprise. You let them up... just for a quick breath... then plop!...back under they go...
You allow yourself as many deep breaths as you want.
There now . . . feeling better?
April 11, 2012
You know what the definitions of neurosis and psychosis are, don't you?
A neurotic builds castles in the air.
A psychotic lives in 'em.
And a psychiatrist or psychologist collects the rent.
April 10, 2012
Growing up on the Jersey Shore we spent our summers swimming, surfing, and hanging out. One of my friends loved the season so much that we began calling him Mr. Summertime.
"What happens when summer is over?" someone asked.
I thought for a minute, and then said, "In September he becomes the Fall Guy."
April 9, 2012
A man driving in southern Indiana saw a sign that read, "LAST CHANCE FOR $3.99 GAS."
As he was getting his change from the attendant, he asked, "How much is gas in Kentucky?"
April 8, 2012
A husband and wife, who had been married for 35 years, were celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell on the same day.
During the celebration, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for 35 years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife wanted to travel around the world. So, the fairy waved her wand and the wife had the tickets in her hand for an around-the-world itinerary.
Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman who is 30 years younger than me."
The fairy picked up her wand, waved it, and he instantly turned 90.
April 7, 2012
A Dad buys a lie detector
robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner with the
April 6, 2012
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."
"Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"
April 5, 2012
A guy came home to his wife and said to her: "Guess what?
I've found a great job! A 10:00 AM start, 2:00 PM finish, no overtime, no weekends and it pays $600 a week to boot!"
"That's great!" his wife said.
"Yeah, unreal," he agreed. "you start Monday."
April 4, 2012
There was this man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day. So the doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing. So he turned to the mental patient and said, "I don't hear anything."
The mental patient said, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!"
April 3, 2012
Morris Cohen phones a local mental hospital and asks the receptionist if there is anybody in room 36.
She goes and checks, and comes back to the phone, telling him, "No, the room is empty."
"Good," says Morris. " Unless your lying . . . that means I must have really escaped!"
April 2, 2012
"Look at ME!" boasted the fit old man to a group of young people. "Every morning I do fifty push-ups, fifty sit-ups and walk two miles. I'm fit as a fiddle! And you want to know why? I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't stay up late, and I don't chase after women!"
He smiled at them, teeth white, eyes glittering, "And tomorrow, I'm going to celebrate my 95th birthday!"
"Oh, really?" drawled one of the young onlookers, "How?"
April 1, 2012
A recent college graduate took a new job in a hilly Eastern city and began commuting each day to work through a tiring array of tunnels, bridges and traffic jams. Thinking it would make the trip more bearable, he invited several coworkers to share the ride. However, the commute actually got more stressful, especially the trips through the tunnels. He consulted the company doctor.
"Doc," the frustrated commuter complained, "I'm fine on the bridges, in the traffic, in the day and at night, and even when Joe forgets to bathe all week. But now, when I get in the tunnels with those four other guys crowded into the car, I get anxious and dizzy, and I feel like I'm going to explode."
Without further analysis, the doctor announced he had diagnosed the ailment.
"What is it, Doc? Am I going insane?"
"No, no, no, my boy. You have something that is becoming more and more common."
"Tell me! What is it?"
"You have what is known as Carpool Tunnel Syndrome."