April 30, 2013
Thanksgiving Day was approaching, and a family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on its way to church.
Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing, "The pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers."
"Oh, yeah?" her grandson replied, "so why is their dad carrying that rifle?"
April 29, 2013
Benny wanted to go to the zoo, so he pestered his parents for days. Finally, his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.
"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.
"Great," Little Benny replied.
"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.
"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Benny excitedly, "when one of the animals came racing home at 30 to 1!"
April 28, 2013
A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the preschool wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. One little lad of about three or four stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked, “Why do you dress funny?”
He told him he was a priest and this is the uniform priests wear. Then the boy pointed to the priest's collar tab and asked, “Do you have an owie?”
The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab looked like a band-aid. So the priest took it out and handed it to the boy to show him. On the back of the tab are letters giving the name of the manufacturer. The little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked, “Do you know what those words say?”
“Yes, I do,” said the lad who was not old enough to read. Peering intently at the letters he said, “Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!”
April 27, 2013
Bubba and Billy Ray are from Arkansas visiting a relative in Texas. Walking along Sam Houston Street, they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.00 each, Shirts $2.00 each, Trousers $2.50 per pair."
Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Ray, Look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and when we get back to Arkansas, we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all the talking cause if they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my best Texas drawl."
They go in and Bubba says, "I'll take 50 suits
at $5.00 each, 100 shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at $2.50
each. I'll back up my pickup and ......"
"Well...yes," says a surprised Bubba. "How come you know that?"
The owner says, "This is a dry-cleaners."
April 23, 2013
A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've
never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my
child. What do you think about that?"
April 22, 2013
At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach.
"Now go over there and explain it to your mother."
April 21, 2013
A physicist, an accountant and a lawyer are all standing around at a party discussing if it's better to have a wife or a girlfriend.
The accountant says, “A girlfriend! No commitments, no hassles. When you get tired, you just move on.”
The lawyer says, “One needs a wife. That way you have a representative; an extension of yourself at important gatherings with influential people.”
The physicist says, “You're both wrong. You need a wife and a girlfriend. That way the wife thinks you're with the girlfriend, the girlfriend thinks you're with the wife and all the while you're at the lab doing research!”
April 20, 2013
As my wife and I were sitting on the front porch, our oldest daughter, Amy, came out of the house looking discouraged. It seems all her classmates knew their life's calling, but she didn't have a clue as to her own. "I don't know where to go to college," she moaned.
"And even if I did, my grades probably aren't good enough."
Her mother and I were searching for the right words of reassurance when Amy suddenly smiled. "Golly," she said, "I'm having a pre-life crisis!"
April 19, 2013
Albert Einstein was once selected "Man of the Century" by Time Magazine for his Theory of Relativity. Here is some of his "down-to-earth" wit and wisdom:
If most of us are ashamed of shabby clothes and shoddy furniture, let us be more ashamed of shabby ideas and shoddy philosophies.
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I'm not sure about the universe.
Sometimes one pays most for the things one gets for nothing.
We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.
A + B + C = Success if, A = Hard Work, B = Hard Play, C = Keeping your mouth shut.
The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it
seems like an hour.
God is subtle, but he is not malicious
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
April 18, 2013
Driving home from church one Sunday, the father tuned the radio to a country and western station.
"How can you stand that stuff?" complained his 16-year-old son.
"It's all about lonesome cowboys, gunfights and broken hearts."
Knowing he preferred rock 'n' roll, the dad asked, "Well, what's your music about?"
"That's the beauty of it," the son said. "You just don't know!"
April 17, 2013
One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. They picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just leave us be."
God listened patiently to the man and after the scientist was finished talking, God said, "Very well. How about this? Let's have a man making contest."
The scientist, with great arrogance said, "That would be fine."
The Lord added, "Now, we are going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."
The scientist said, "Sure, no problem," then bent down and grabbed a handful of dirt.
God said to the scientist, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!"
April 16, 2013
A young lady applied for a job and when she returned home, her mother asked how the interview went. She said, "Pretty good, but if I get the job, I won't get a vacation unless I'm married."
Her mother had never heard of such a thing and asked, "Is that what they told you?"
The young lady replied, "No, they didn't tell me that, but on the application it said that vacation time is not available until after your first anniversary."
April 15, 2013
A boy who was a witness to a crime was on the witness stand in court. He was approached by the defense attorney who asked, "Did anyone tell you what to say in court?"
"Yes, sir," answered the boy.
"I thought so," said the attorney. "Who was it?"
"My father, sir."
"And what did he tell you?" the attorney asked accusingly.
"He said that the lawyers would try to get me all tangled up, but if I stuck to the truth, everything would be all right."
April 14, 2013
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"
"No," says the psychic, "Next semester in her biology class."
April 13, 2013
A woman goes to the local psychic in the hope of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning.
Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"
The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?"
"Yes, granddaughter, it's me."
"It's really, really you, Grandmother?" the woman repeats.
"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."
The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, Grandmother?"
"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."
The woman pauses a moment and says, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you."
"Anything, my child."
"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"
April 12, 2013
A man walks into a jewelry store to buy his girlfriend an engagement ring. Looking behind the glass case, he comes across an exquisite band with a handsome-sized rock in its center. “Excuse me sir,” the gentleman says to the salesman. “How much is this ring?” “
Ah, that's a beautiful piece,” the salesman replies. “It goes for $10,000.” “
My God!” the man exclaimed. “That's a lot of money!”
“Yes, but a diamond is forever.”
“Perhaps,” the gentleman replied, “but my marriage won't last that long!”
April 11, 2013
The slave driver of the Roman galley stared down at his slaves and yelled, "I've got good news and bad news.
The good news is that you'll be getting double rations tonight.
The bad news,"bellowed the slave driver, "is my son wants to water ski."
April 10, 2013
Grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?"
"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered.
A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me too?"
"Yes, He did," the older man answered.
For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind. At last she spoke up.
"You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately."
April 9, 2013
When an applicant asked if the company had a fitness program, the human resources manager replied, "Oh, our employees don't need one. They are routinely jumping to conclusions, flying off the handle, beating around the bush, running down the boss, going around in circles, dragging their feet, dodging responsibility, passing the buck, climbing the ladder, wading through paperwork, pulling strings, throwing their weight around, stretching the truth, bending the rules, stabbing others in their backs and pushing their luck!"
April 8, 2013
A lady took her friend to get her car from the mechanic.
When her friend came out she asked her, "Is everything okay with your car now?"
Her friend said, "Yes, thank goodness. I was worried that the mechanic might try to take advantage of me, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was twenty dollars worth of blinker fluid."
April 7, 2013
Guido's first job when he got to the United States was sweeping the floors in a pizzeria. After 15 years of hard work, Guido owned not only the store he started in, but a chain of 50 pizza stores.
Guido believes it's now time to relax a little bit. Enjoy the fruits of his hard labor. He calls a contractor to have a huge mansion built for himself.
Guido tells the contractor, "Makea you sure you puta lotsa da 'halo statues' inna da house. I wanna have lotsa da 'halo statues' in my mansion, capiche? One inna every room.
One in da kitchen. One in da bathroom. Every room!"
The contractor is impressed with how religious Guido is, promises to do a good job, and carefully plans a niche in every room for Guido's statues. The contractor personally searches for just the perfect religious statues for each room.
Finally, the house is completed and the contractor takes Guido on a tour of Guido's new mansion. The contractor is full of pride showing off his work, but Guido looks concerned and fretful. Finally, the contractor says, "Is there something wrong, sir?"
"Wherea are alla my halo statues?" Guido cries.
The contractor points to the different statues he's carefully selected and placed everywhere. "They're in every room, sir, just like you asked!"
Guido replies, "No no no! I doan wanna no Saintas. I wanna da 'halo statues'!"
"You know? Halo statues! Deya ring! You picka dem up, anna you say, 'Halo? Stat you?"
April 6, 2013
A local newspaper ran several stories about a study that tied male obesity to a virus.
One evening my brother came home exhausted from a long day at work.
"Did you read the paper?" he asked.
"I'm not going in to work tomorrow. I'm calling in fat."
April 5, 2013
Kids in Mrs. Thompson's class were asked to make sentences out of words chosen by the teacher.
Mrs. Thompson smiled when Little Johnny, a young-slacker, raised his hand to participate during the challenge of making a sentence of the words "Defeat," "Defense," "Deduct," and "Detail."
Little Johnny stood up, thinking for a while, and all the other kids focused on him while his classmates awaited his reply. Proudly, he smiled and then shouted out,
"Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail."
April 4, 2013
While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Jim and his wife listened to the instructor declare: "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the men: "For instance, gentlemen, can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Jim leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"
The rest of the story is not pleasant.
April 3, 2013
Maggy had wanted new kitchen cabinets for a long time, but her husband insisted they were an extravagance. She went to visit her mother for two weeks, and when she returned, she was overjoyed to find that beautiful new cabinets had been installed in her kitchen.
A few days later, a neighbor came over to visit and after admiring the new cabinets, the neighbor added, "All of us were so glad that the fire your husband had while you were gone was confined to the kitchen."
April 2, 2013
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.
The children began discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "He's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close with this comment: "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."
April 1, 2013
Two men were finishing their work day and one said, "I hate to go home ! Every night I eat the same tasteless food, wash the dishes, walk the dog, and then go to bed."
His co-worker asked, "Why don't you find a nice girl and get married ?"
As the first man slammed his briefcase shut he replied, "I AM married !!!"