Thursday, April 30,
No Need for Courtship
A man met a beautiful lady and he
decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything
about each other."
He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other
as we go along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a
honeymoon to a very nice resort.
One morning they were lying by the pool,
when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two
and a half tuck gainer, this followed by a three rotations in jackknife
position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few
more demonstrations, he came back and laid down on the towel.
She said, "That
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see,
I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."
So she got up,
jumped in the pool, and started doing laps.
After about thirty laps she
climbed back out and laid down on her towel hardly out of breath.
incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?" he said.
"No," she said,
"I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the
Wednesday, April 29,
A Teacher's Many Duties
The fourth and fifth graders went on a
field trip to the local race track accompanied by their lady teachers.
the tour some of the children wanted to go to the restroom so it was decided
that the girls would go with the 5th grade teacher. And the 4th grade teacher
took the boys and waited outside the men's bathroom.
One of the boys came out
and told her he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and
began hoisting all the little boys up by their armpits as they did their
Though not purposely, while lifting one little boy, she couldn't
help but notice that he was particularly well endowed.
"I guess you must be
in the fifth," she said.
"No ma'am," he said "I'm in the 7th, riding Silver
Arrow. Thanks for the lift."
Tuesday, April 28,
I've Got Good News
God was sitting around one day, and he
looked down on the Earth, and decided it was time to move on to another project,
so he called up three people to spread the word to the people of Earth that the
world was about to end.
He chose three people: An Atheist, a Priest, and Bill
Gates. He told them of his plan, and said that it was their duty to tell all of
the people they knew that there is a God, and that the world will end in 12
days, so that they could prepare.
Well, the Atheist returned to his family,
and he said " Well, I've got bad news and I've got really bad news"
news is that we were wrong, there is a God.
The Really bad news is that he's
going to destroy the Earth in 12 days.
The Priest returned to his parish and
said "Well, I've got great news, and I've got really bad news!"
news is that there is a God.
The really bad news is that he's going to
destroy the Earth in 12 days.
Bill Gates returned to the Microsoft building,
and got over the loud speaker and said "Well, I've got good news and I've got
REALLY good news!"
The good news is that there is a God.
The really good
news is that we don't have to fix Windows 95!
Monday, April 27,
Honesty Is the
A man and his secretary are having an
affair, so one afternoon they get a motel room and have strenuous sex. He's not
used to the pace, so he falls asleep afterwards and doesn't wake up until about
8:30 that night, at which time he realizes it's late and that he has to get
He says to his secretary, "Quick! While I get dressed, you take my
shoes outside and drag them around through the grass and mud." Puzzled, the
secretary complies. When the man gets home about 9:30 his wife confronts him and
asks him where he's been.
The man says, "I cannot lie to you. I spent the
better part of the day doing my secretary in a motel room, then I fell asleep,
woke up late, and came right home." The woman looks down at his shoes and says,
"You liar, you've been out playing golf again!"
An old lady is rocking away the last of
her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when--all of a
sudden--a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will
be granted three wishes.
"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would
like to be really rich."
Her rocking chair turns to solid
"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful
She turns into a beautiful young woman.
wish?" asked the fairy godmother.
Just then the old woman's cat wanders
across the porch in front of them.
"Ooh--can you change him into a handsome
prince?" she asks.
There before her stands a young man more handsome
than anyone could possibly imagine.
She stares at him, smitten. With a smile
that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear:
"Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."
Sunday, April 26,
Game for the Pious
The Pope met with his cardinals to
discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.
Holiness" said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a
game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish
and Catholic faiths."
The Pope thought is was a good idea, but he had never
held a golf club in his hand. "Have we not," he asked "a cardinal who can
represent me against the leader of Israel?"
"None that plays golf very well,"
a cardinal said. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklas, an
American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a cardinal;
then ask him to play Benjamin Netanyahu as your personal representative. In
addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."
Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus
was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to
the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some
bad news, Your Holiness," said the world-class golfer.
"Tell me the good news
first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.
"Well, Your Holiness, I don't like
to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my
life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired
from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful
and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly
"There's bad news?" the Pope asked.
Nicklaus sighed. "I lost
to Rabbi Woods by three strokes."
Saturday, April 25,
There once was a blind man who decided
to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow,
these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon
arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands.
He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is
big in Texas."
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender
where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the
right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally skipped the
second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool
and fell into the pool by accident.
Scared to death, the blind man started
shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"
Friday, April 24,
Two gas company servicemen, a senior
training supervisor and a young trainee were out checking meters in a suburban
neighbourhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their
way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window
watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.
Finishing the meter
check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a footrace down
the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that
last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped immediately
and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I saw
two gasmen running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"
A police officer in a small town
stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer," the man
began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to
let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I
just wanted to say,"
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few
hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that
the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the
Thursday, April 23,
An aging man lived alone in Ireland.
His only son was in Long Kesh Prison,
and he didn't know anyone who would
spade up his potato garden.
The old man wrote to his son about it, and
received this reply, "FOR HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I
buried the GUNS!!!!!"
At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers
showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns.
the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do
His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."
Wednesday, April 22,
How Deep Is That
Two guys are walking thru the woods and
come across this big deep hole. "Wow...that looks deep."
"Sure does... toss a
few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."
They pick up a few pebbles and
throw them in and wait... no noise.
"Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here..
throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a
They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the
hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. One
gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds,
there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in,
it's GOTTA make some noise."
The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and
heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole. Suddenly, out of the nearby woods,
a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right
past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the
air and into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they've just
Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles
over. "Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?"
"You bet we did! Craziest
thing I ever seen. It came running like crazy and just jumped into this
"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was
chained to a railroad tie."
Tuesday, April 21,
Ten year old Johnny rushes home from
school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice
cream...when his mother enters the kitchen.
She says, "Put that away Johnny.
You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside
Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."
Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you. What do you
want to play?"
He says, "I wanna play Mommie and Daddy."
not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "Fine,
I'll play. What do I do?"
Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie
Figuring that she can easily control the situation...Mom goes
Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the
utility closet. He dons his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up the
stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it
up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he
moves to the bedroom doorway.
His mother raises up and says, "What do
I do now?"
In a gruff manner, Johnny says, "Get your butt downstairs and get
that kid some ice cream!
Monday, April 20,
The Oldest Profession?
A doctor, an engineer, and a computer
programmer were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the
The doctor remarked, "Well, in the Bible it says that God created Eve
from a rib taken from Adam. This clearly required surgery, so I can rightly
claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world."
interrupted and said, "But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that
God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This
was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil
engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong; mine is the oldest
profession in the world."
The computer programmer leaned back in his chair,
smiled and said confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the
A Kiss A Yard
Walking up to a department store's
fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new
dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only a kiss a yard, " replied the smirking
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly
measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.
snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her and
said "Grandpa will pay the bill".
Sunday, April 19,
A Scout Master was teaching his boy
scouts about survival in the desert. "What are the three most important things
you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he
Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such
as food, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his
"Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring
with you?" asked the Scout Master.
Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of
water, and a deck of cards."
"Why's that Timmy?"
"Well," answered Timmy,
"the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent
"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master
"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is
bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black
Attending a wedding for the first time,
a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest
day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.
thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why's the groom wearing
Saturday, April 18,
A man comes to his doctor and tells him
that his wife doesn't want to have sex with him for the last 7 months. The doc
tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into
the doctors office and the doctor asks her whats wrong and why doesn't she want
to have sex with her husband anymore.
The wife tells him, "For the last 7
months every morning I take a cab to work. I dont have any money so the cab
driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' so I take a 'or what'.
When I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this
down in the book or what?' so I take a 'or what'. Back home agian I take the cab
and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you
going to pay this time or what?' so again I take a 'or what'. So you see doc
when I get home I'm all tired out, and I don't want it any more."
thinks for a secound and then turns to the wife and says, "So are we going to
tell your husband or what?"
Friday, April 17,
There was a religious lady that had to
do a lot of traveling for her business, so she did a lot of flying. Flying made
her very very nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her to read as it
helped relax her on the long fights.
One time, she was sitting next to a man.
When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and smirk and went
back to what he was doing. After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't
really believe all that stuff in there do you?"
The lady replied, "Of course
I do. It is the Bible."
He said, "Well, what about that guy that was
swallowed by that whale?"
She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is
in the Bible."
He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time
inside the whale?"
The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I
get to heaven, I will ask him."
"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked
"Then you can ask him," replied the lady.
Bungee Jumping in Mexico
Two guys are bungee jumping one
The first guy says to the second. "You know, we could make a lot of
money running our own bungee jumping service in Mexico." The second guy thinks
this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll
need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin
to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to
assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. The first
guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the
second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the
second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up
again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him.
The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty
messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost
Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says,
"What happened? Was the cord too long?"
The first guy says, "No, the cord was
fine, but what the heck is a pinata?
Thursday, April 16,
A Few Quickies
During a course in human sexuality, the
instructor was discussing various items in the Kinsey report. The class members
gasped audibly when the instructor read out that a woman had several hundred
orgasms in a single session.
A male voice said, "Wow, who was she?"
female voice followed with, "The hell with that ... who was
Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to
have sex again.
Two boys watched in awe as a huge red
firetruck rumbled by, a Dalmatian perched in the passenger seat.
"Do they use
dogs to keep the crowds back?" asked the first boy.
"Naw," answered the
second. "They use 'em to find the fire hydrants."
A man goes to a psychiatrist, and tells
him, "Doc, I think I have an obsession with sex." The doctor agrees to examine
him and begins by showing him various drawings.
First the doctor draws a
square and asks the man to identify it.
The man immediately says, "OMIGOSH!!
Four people having sex!!!!".
Next the doctor draws a circle, at which the
man gasps, and says, "One man having sex."
Thirdly, the doctor draws a
triangle, which, of course, the patient identifies as, "two woman and one man
The doctor puts the drawings away and says to the patient,
"Yes, I do believe that you have an obsession with sex."
To which the man
replies, "ME????? YOU'RE the one drawing all the dirty
Wednesday, April 15,
Direct Call to "Upstairs"
The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope
are in a meeting in Rome. The Rabbi notices an unusually fancy phone on a side
table in the Pope's private chambers.
"What is that phone for?" he asks the
"It's my direct line to the Lord!"
The Rabbi is skeptical, and
the Pope notices. The Holy Father insists that the Rabbi try it out, and,
indeed, he is connected to the Lord. The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with
Him. After hanging up the Rabbi says. "Thank you very much. This is great! But
listen, I want to pay for my phone charges."
The Pope, of course refuses, but
the Rabbi is steadfast and finally, the pontiff gives in. He checks the counter
on the phone and says: "Allright! The charges were 100,000 Lira. ($56)
Chief Rabbi gladly hands over a packet of bills. A few months later, the Pope is
in Jerusalem on an official visit. In the Chief Rabbi's chambers he sees a phone
identical to his and learns it also is a direct line to the Lord. The Pope
remembers he has an urgent matter that requires divine consultation and asks if
he can use the Rabbi's phone.
The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone,
and the Pope chats away. After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone
charges. This time, the Chief Rabb refuses to accept payment. After the Pope
insists, the Rabbi relents and looks on the phone counter and says: "1 Shekel
The Pope looks surprised: "Why so cheap!?"
The Rabbi smiles:
Tuesday, April 14,
The local bar was so sure that its
bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a
glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of
juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weightlifters,
longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man
came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky
voice, "I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the
bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the
wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter
turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six
drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the
$1000, and asked the little man, "what do you do for a living? Are you a
lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"
The man replied, "No, I just work for
Monday, April 13,
Kids Say the Darndest Things
Some grade school teachers must agree
with that, because they keep journals of amusing things their students have
written in papers. Here are a few examples:
- The future of "I give" is "I
- The parts of speech are lungs and air.
- The inhabitants of
Moscow are called Mosquitoes.
- A census taker is man who goes from house to
house increasing the population.
- (Define H2O and CO2.) H2O is hot water and
CO2 is cold water.
- A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has
never set foot.
- The general direction of the Alps is straight up.
city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an
- Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.
- The spinal
column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the
- We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our
silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.
- One of the main
causes of dust is janitors.
- A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and
respects all duly constipated authorities.
- One by-product of raising cattle
- To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray into the nose
until it drips into the throat.
- The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard
- The climate is hottest next to the Creator.
Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings.
The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and
plural at the bottom.
- Syntax is all the money collected at the church from
- The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and
up the other.
- In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.
- Iron was
discovered because someone smelt it.
- In the middle of the 18th century, all
the morons moved to Utah.
Sunday, April 12,
Only Six Months
The middle aged man was visibly shaken
when his Doctor advised that he had only 6 month's to live because of the
terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical check-up. The Doctor
suggested that he should get his "house in order" , make sure his Will was
current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral. He
should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the
"What will you do for the last six months?" asked the Doctor.
His patient thought for a few minutes then replied, "I think I'll go and
live with my Mother-in-law".
Surprised by the answer, the Doctor asked, "Of
all people, why in the would you want to live with your Mother-in-law?"
"Because it'll be the longest six months of my Life!"
Saturday, April 11,
There's a Call for
The Bishop runs into to the Pope's
quarters and says "Your Holiness, I have good news and I have bad
Pope: "What's the good news?
Bishop: "Jesus has returned to earth!
He's on the phone and wants to speak with you!"
Pope: "and the Bad
Bishop "He's calling from Salt Lake City!"
This 65 year old woman is naked,
jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the
bedroom and sees her. He watches her a while then says, "You look ridiculous!
What on earth do you think you're doing?"
She says, "I just got my check-up
and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old." She starts
laughing and jumping again.
He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about
your 65 year-old ass?"
"Well, your name never came up..." she
Friday, April 10,
Don't Mess With the Status Quo
Jesus recently visited the earth and
went to the emergency room of the local hospital. There he saw a man in shorts
moaning and holding his foot.
He asked the man, "My son, what's the
The man responded, "I broke my ankle playing basketball." With that
Jesus bent over, touched his foot and the pain disappeared. The man then walked
around, felt great, gave Jesus a bear hug and exclaimed, "Thanks a
Jesus then saw a woman with a mangled hand and asked her what
She replied, "I was holding a bag of groceries and my car door
slammed shut on my hand. I hope than can fix it."
With that, Jesus healed her
hand. She kissed Jesus on the cheek and said, "Wow, mister, you're
Then Jesus sees a man in a wheelchair with a bandaged head. Jesus
starts walking to him and the man looks scared and tries to go backwards. Jesus
says, "My son, don't be afraid, I'm here to help you."
me!" the man pled "I'm on workman's comp".
Thursday, April 9,
After having their 11th child, a
redneck couple decided that that was enough. They could not afford a larger
double-wide. So, the husband went to his doctor, who also treated mules, and
told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy
that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry
bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count
The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I
don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to
So, the couple drove to get a second opinion.
The second doctor
was just about to tell them about the medical procedure for a vasectomy when he
realized how truly backwards these people were. This doctor instead told the man
to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to
his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be
wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held
the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which
point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on
his other hand.
Wednesday, April 8,
The New Ferrari
A young man goes out and buys a new
Ferrari GTO . It is the best and most expensive car available in the
world, costing about $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and while
stopping for a red light, an old man on a moped (both looking about 90
years old) pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over the sleek,
shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there,
The young man replies, "A 1997 Ferrari GTO. They cost about a half
"That's a lot of money," says the old man, shocked. "Why
does it cost
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!"
states the cool dude
The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look
"Sure," replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the
window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says,
"That's a pretty nice car, all right!"
Just then the light changes so the guy
decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and
within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 120 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in
his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!
He slows down to see
what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him,
going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the
young man asks himself.
Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot cooming toward him.
goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it
like the old man on the moped!
"Couldn't be," thinks the
guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!"
Again, he sees a dot in his rear
view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM!
It plows into the back of his car,
demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!! Of
course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the
dying old man and says, "You're badly hurt! Is there anything I can do for
The old man moans and replies, "Yes, Unhook my suspenders from
your side-view mirror!"
Tuesday, April 7,
You might be a teacher if...
You believe the staff room should have
a Valium salt lick.
You find humor is other people's stupidity.
to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to have all your holidays and
You can tell it's a full moon without ever looking
You believe "shallow gene pool" should have it's own box on the
You believe that unspeakable evil will befall you if anyone
says, "Boy, the kids are sure mellow today."
When out in public, you feel the
urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior.
Marking all A's
on the report card would make your life SOOO much simpler.
When you mention
"vegetables" and you're not talking about a food group.
You think people
should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to
You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.
believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.
You really encourage an obnoxious
parent to check into home schooling.
You've never had your profession slammed
by someone who would NEVER DREAM of doing your job.
You can't have children
of your own, because there is NO name you could give a child that wouldn't bring
on high blood pressure the moment you heard it.
Meeting a child's parents
INSTANTLY answers the question, "Why is this kid like this?"
Monday, April 6,
There once was a young woman who went
to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for
I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Take seven lemons
and squeeze them into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman
asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
"NO, but it will wipe that smile
off of your face."
A Helping Hand
A traveling preacher finds himself in a
tremendous rainstorm. Withing a few hours the hotel he is staying in becomes
flooded. As the water rises, the preacher climbs to the roof and starts praying.
"Lord, save me so I can continue on my mission of preaching your
Just then, a coast guard rescue party floats by in a rowboat. "Let's
go mister. Into the boat."
"I'll stay here," says the preacher, "The Lord
will save me."
An hour later a second boat reaches the scene and the water is
close to the roof of the hotel. "Sir, you better get in.the water is still
"No thanks. The Lord will be my salvation."
Toward evening, the
hotel is almost completely under water and the preacher is clinging to the
satellite dish on the roof. A helicopter is spotted and on a loudspeaker is
heard "Sir, grab on to the line and we will pull you up. This is your last
"I'm all right," says the preacher, "I know the Lord will provide
sanctuary." as he looks heavenward.
As the helicopter departs, the satellite
dish is hit by lightning and the preacher is killed.
When he arrived at the
Pearly Gates he was furious. "What happened, " he shouts. "I thought the Lord
Moments later a thunderous voice is heard. "Gimmie a break
pal. I sent you 2 boats and a chopper"
Sunday, April 5,
Little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I
take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom says, "No, because the dog is
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your Father. I
think he's in the garage".
Little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, can
I take Susie for a walk around the block. I asked Mom but she said the dog was
in heat and that I should ask you".
Dad said, "Bring Susie over here".
took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's butt with it and
said, "Ok, you can go now but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time
around the block".
Little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no
dog on the leash.
Dad said, "Where's Susie?"
Little girl said, "Susie ran
out of gas about halfway down the block and there's another dog pushing her
Saturday, April 4,
Sandy McDonald, a long time and
respected resident of a small Scottish town, passed away. His wife, Maggie, went
to the newspaper to place an obituary. She asked how much it would be. When the
newspaper man told her, she was a little shocked by the price.
She asked him,
"Since Sandy was such a highly regarded resident of this town, couldn't you do
it for nothing?"
"No", said the man. "But, I will give you three words,
Maggie answered, "Well, we could just say, ' McDonald is dead."
newspaper man, then said, "I have just been thinking. since Sandy was such a
highly respected resident of our town, I think I could make that six words,
"Oh," said Maggie. "Then we could say, "McDonald is dead. Bicycle for
A new teacher was trying to make use of
her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks
you're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I
hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
Friday, April 3,
A man walks into the front door of a
bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool
and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely
informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he
could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for
The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs
down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.
A few minutes later,
the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar
and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more
firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to
call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and
shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his
A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the BACK door of
the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently
orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that
he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the
will be called immediately.
The surprised drunk looks at the
bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries "MAAAN! How many bars do you work
Safety Announcement: Bear Warning
If you are considering doing some
camping this Spring and Summer, please note the following public service
In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their
clothing when hiking in bear country.
The bells warn away MOST bears
(grizzly, black, etc.) but be careful because they don't scare Kodiak/brown
Tourists are cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying
particular attention to bear droppings to be alert for the presence of
One can easily spot a Kodiak/brown bear's droppings.
Those are the droppings that contain those tiny bells.
Thursday, April 2,
A woman has a dog who snores in his
sleep and keeps her and her husband awake at night. She goes to the vet to see
if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's
testicles and he will stop snoring. Of course the woman is very sceptical in
believing this and goes home. A few hours after going to bed the dog is snoring
as usual. Finally getting very frustrated, she goes to closet and grabs a piece
of ribbon, ties it around the dogs privates, and sure enough the dog stops
snoring. The woman is amazed.
Later that night her husband returns from being
out with his friends and he is very drunk. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and
begins snoring very loudly. The woman is desperate and thinks maybe the ribbon
will work on him. She goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and
ties it around her husbands privates. Amazingly it also works on him. The woman
falls asleep again and sleeps very soundly.
The next morning the husband
wakes up very hung over. He stumbles into the bathroom. As he is standing in
front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to
his privates. He is very confused. He walks back into the bedroom and sees a red
ribbon attached to his dogs privates. He looks at the dog and says "Boy, I don't
remember what the hell happened last night, but where ever you and I where, we
got first and second place."
Wednesday, April 1,
Getting Into Heaven
A woman finds herself outside the
Pearly Gates, where she is greeted by St. Peter. "Am I where I think I
am?" she exclaims. "It's so beautiful! Did I really make it to
To which St. Peter replies, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to
Heaven. But you must do one thing before you can enter." Very excited,
the woman asks what she must do to pass through the gates.
word," St. Peter replies.
"What word?" she asks.
"Any word," answers St.
Peter. "It's your choice."
The woman promptly replies, "The word I will spell
is love. L-o-v-e."
St. Peter congratulates her on her good fortune of making
it into Heaven and asks her if she will take his place at the gates for a
moment while he goes to the bathroom.
"I'd be honored," she says, "but what
should I do if someone comes while you are gone?"
St. Peter instructs her to
require any newcomers to spell a word, just as she had done. So the woman
takes St. Peter's chair and watches the beautiful angels soaring around her,
when lo and behold, a man approaches the gates. It is her husband!
happened?" she cries. "Why are you here?"
Her husband explains, "I was so
upset when I left your funeral that I got into an automobile accident. Now I am
here, ready to join you in Heaven."
"Not just yet," the woman replies. "First
you must spell a word."
"What word?" he