April 1998

The Drunk	Safety Announcement:	The Ribbon
Money's Worth	Little Johnnie Strikes Again	Getting Into Heaven
The Confessional	Walking the Dog	A Helping Hand
The Vasectomy	You might be a teacher if...	The New Ferrari
There's a Call for You...	Don't Mess With the Status Quo	Jumping with Joy!
The Strongest Man	Kids Say the Darndest Things	Only Six Months Left
Direct Call to "Upstairs"	A Few Quickies	Bungee Jumping in Mexico
A Wise Guy	Good Question	The Oldest Profession?
Survival	Or What?	How Deep Is That Thing?
A Kiss A Yard	Gas Men	Game for the Pious
Buried Guns	The Groom	Honesty Is the Best Policy
The Texas Visit	I've Got Good News and...	Three Wishes
Little Johnny	A Teacher's Many Duties	No Need for Courtship

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and laid down on the towel.
She said, "That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps.
After about thirty laps she climbed back out and laid down on her towel hardly out of breath.
"That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?" he said.
"No," she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal...

The fourth and fifth graders went on a field trip to the local race track accompanied by their lady teachers.
During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the restroom so it was decided that the girls would go with the 5th grade teacher. And the 4th grade teacher took the boys and waited outside the men's bathroom.
One of the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting all the little boys up by their armpits as they did their business.
Though not purposely, while lifting one little boy, she couldn't help but notice that he was particularly well endowed.
"I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.
"No ma'am," he said "I'm in the 7th, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift."

God was sitting around one day, and he looked down on the Earth, and decided it was time to move on to another project, so he called up three people to spread the word to the people of Earth that the world was about to end.
He chose three people: An Atheist, a Priest, and Bill Gates. He told them of his plan, and said that it was their duty to tell all of the people they knew that there is a God, and that the world will end in 12 days, so that they could prepare.
Well, the Atheist returned to his family, and he said " Well, I've got bad news and I've got really bad news"
The Bad news is that we were wrong, there is a God.
The Really bad news is that he's going to destroy the Earth in 12 days.
The Priest returned to his parish and said "Well, I've got great news, and I've got really bad news!"
The great news is that there is a God.
The really bad news is that he's going to destroy the Earth in 12 days.
Bill Gates returned to the Microsoft building, and got over the loud speaker and said "Well, I've got good news and I've got REALLY good news!"
The good news is that there is a God.
The really good news is that we don't have to fix Windows 95!

A man and his secretary are having an affair, so one afternoon they get a motel room and have strenuous sex. He's not used to the pace, so he falls asleep afterwards and doesn't wake up until about 8:30 that night, at which time he realizes it's late and that he has to get home.
He says to his secretary, "Quick! While I get dressed, you take my shoes outside and drag them around through the grass and mud." Puzzled, the secretary complies. When the man gets home about 9:30 his wife confronts him and asks him where he's been.
The man says, "I cannot lie to you. I spent the better part of the day doing my secretary in a motel room, then I fell asleep, woke up late, and came right home." The woman looks down at his shoes and says, "You liar, you've been out playing golf again!"

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when--all of a sudden--a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.
"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."
POOF
Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.
"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."
POOF
She turns into a beautiful young woman.
"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother.
Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them.
"Ooh--can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.
POOF
There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.
She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."

The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.
"Your Holiness" said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."
The Pope thought is was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. "Have we not," he asked "a cardinal who can represent me against the leader of Israel?"
"None that plays golf very well," a cardinal said. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklas, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a cardinal; then ask him to play Benjamin Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."
Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said the world-class golfer.
"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.
"Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."
"There's bad news?" the Pope asked.
Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Woods by three strokes."

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.
Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee were out checking meters in a suburban neighbourhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a footrace down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped immediately and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I saw two gasmen running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say,"
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison,
and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden.
The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "FOR HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!!!!!"
At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns.
Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.
His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."

Two guys are walking thru the woods and come across this big deep hole. "Wow...that looks deep."
"Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise.
"Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."
They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."
The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole. Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they've just seen...
Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. "Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?"
"You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen. It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"
"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."

Ten year old Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream...when his mother enters the kitchen.
She says, "Put that away Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play."
Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."
Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you. What do you want to play?"
He says, "I wanna play Mommie and Daddy."
Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?"
Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down."
Figuring that she can easily control the situation...Mom goes upstairs.
Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.
His mother raises up and says, "What do I do now?"
In a gruff manner, Johnny says, "Get your butt downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!

A doctor, an engineer, and a computer programmer were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world.
The doctor remarked, "Well, in the Bible it says that God created Eve from a rib taken from Adam. This clearly required surgery, so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world."
The engineer interrupted and said, "But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong; mine is the oldest profession in the world."
The computer programmer leaned back in his chair, smiled and said confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?"

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only a kiss a yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.
The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her and said "Grandpa will pay the bill".

A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert. "What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked.
Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand.
"Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.
Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."
"Why's that Timmy?"
"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."
"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.
"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why's the groom wearing black?"

A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife doesn't want to have sex with him for the last 7 months. The doc tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doctor asks her whats wrong and why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband anymore.
The wife tells him, "For the last 7 months every morning I take a cab to work. I dont have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' so I take a 'or what'. When I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?' so I take a 'or what'. Back home agian I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' so again I take a 'or what'. So you see doc when I get home I'm all tired out, and I don't want it any more."
The doctor thinks for a secound and then turns to the wife and says, "So are we going to tell your husband or what?"

There was a religious lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business, so she did a lot of flying. Flying made her very very nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her to read as it helped relax her on the long fights.
One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and smirk and went back to what he was doing. After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"
The lady replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible."
He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?"
She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible."
He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"
The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him."
"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.
"Then you can ask him," replied the lady.

Two guys are bungee jumping one day.
The first guy says to the second. "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee jumping service in Mexico." The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.
Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a pinata?

During a course in human sexuality, the instructor was discussing various items in the Kinsey report. The class members gasped audibly when the instructor read out that a woman had several hundred orgasms in a single session.
A male voice said, "Wow, who was she?"
A female voice followed with, "The hell with that ... who was *HE*?!"

AMNESIA
Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

Two boys watched in awe as a huge red firetruck rumbled by, a Dalmatian perched in the passenger seat.
"Do they use dogs to keep the crowds back?" asked the first boy.
"Naw," answered the second. "They use 'em to find the fire hydrants."

A man goes to a psychiatrist, and tells him, "Doc, I think I have an obsession with sex." The doctor agrees to examine him and begins by showing him various drawings.
First the doctor draws a square and asks the man to identify it.
The man immediately says, "OMIGOSH!! Four people having sex!!!!".
Next the doctor draws a circle, at which the man gasps, and says, "One man having sex."
Thirdly, the doctor draws a triangle, which, of course, the patient identifies as, "two woman and one man having sex".
The doctor puts the drawings away and says to the patient, "Yes, I do believe that you have an obsession with sex."
To which the man replies, "ME????? YOU'RE the one drawing all the dirty pictures!"

The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The Rabbi notices an unusually fancy phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers.
"What is that phone for?" he asks the pontiff.
"It's my direct line to the Lord!"
The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope notices. The Holy Father insists that the Rabbi try it out, and, indeed, he is connected to the Lord. The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with Him. After hanging up the Rabbi says. "Thank you very much. This is great! But listen, I want to pay for my phone charges."
The Pope, of course refuses, but the Rabbi is steadfast and finally, the pontiff gives in. He checks the counter on the phone and says: "Allright! The charges were 100,000 Lira. ($56)
The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over a packet of bills. A few months later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit. In the Chief Rabbi's chambers he sees a phone identical to his and learns it also is a direct line to the Lord. The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter that requires divine consultation and asks if he can use the Rabbi's phone.
The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope chats away. After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone charges. This time, the Chief Rabb refuses to accept payment. After the Pope insists, the Rabbi relents and looks on the phone counter and says: "1 Shekel 50!" ($0.42)
The Pope looks surprised: "Why so cheap!?"
The Rabbi smiles: "Local call."

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"
The man replied, "No, I just work for the I.R.S."

Some grade school teachers must agree with that, because they keep journals of amusing things their students have written in papers. Here are a few examples:

- The future of "I give" is "I take."
- The parts of speech are lungs and air.
- The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.
- A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population.
- (Define H2O and CO2.) H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.
- A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot.
- The general direction of the Alps is straight up.
- A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator.
- Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.
- The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.
- The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.
- We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.
- One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
- A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities.
- One by-product of raising cattle is calves.
- To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray into the nose until it drips into the throat.
- The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
- The climate is hottest next to the Creator.
- Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings.
- The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.
- Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.
- The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.
- In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.
- Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.
- In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.

The middle aged man was visibly shaken when his Doctor advised that he had only 6 month's to live because of the terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical check-up. The Doctor suggested that he should get his "house in order" , make sure his Will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral. He should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the fullest.
"What will you do for the last six months?" asked the Doctor.
His patient thought for a few minutes then replied, "I think I'll go and live with my Mother-in-law".
Surprised by the answer, the Doctor asked, "Of all people, why in the would you want to live with your Mother-in-law?"
"Because it'll be the longest six months of my Life!"

The Bishop runs into to the Pope's quarters and says "Your Holiness, I have good news and I have bad news!"
Pope: "What's the good news?
Bishop: "Jesus has returned to earth! He's on the phone and wants to speak with you!"
Pope: "and the Bad News?"
Bishop "He's calling from Salt Lake City!"

This 65 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her a while then says, "You look ridiculous! What on earth do you think you're doing?"
She says, "I just got my check-up and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old." She starts laughing and jumping again.
He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 65 year-old ass?"
"Well, your name never came up..." she replied.

Jesus recently visited the earth and went to the emergency room of the local hospital. There he saw a man in shorts moaning and holding his foot.
He asked the man, "My son, what's the matter?"
The man responded, "I broke my ankle playing basketball." With that Jesus bent over, touched his foot and the pain disappeared. The man then walked around, felt great, gave Jesus a bear hug and exclaimed, "Thanks a lot!"
Jesus then saw a woman with a mangled hand and asked her what happened.
She replied, "I was holding a bag of groceries and my car door slammed shut on my hand. I hope than can fix it."
With that, Jesus healed her hand. She kissed Jesus on the cheek and said, "Wow, mister, you're great!"
Then Jesus sees a man in a wheelchair with a bandaged head. Jesus starts walking to him and the man looks scared and tries to go backwards. Jesus says, "My son, don't be afraid, I'm here to help you."
"Don't touch me!" the man pled "I'm on workman's comp".

After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that that was enough. They could not afford a larger double-wide. So, the husband went to his doctor, who also treated mules, and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
So, the couple drove to get a second opinion.
The second doctor was just about to tell them about the medical procedure for a vasectomy when he realized how truly backwards these people were. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

A young man goes out and buys a new Ferrari GTO . It is the best and most expensive car available in the world, costing about $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and while stopping for a red light, an old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A 1997 Ferrari GTO. They cost about a half million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost
so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude
proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?"
"Sure," replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"
Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 120 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!
He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself.
Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot cooming toward him. Whoooooosh! It
goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it almost looked
like the old man on the moped!
"Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!"
Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM!
It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says, "You're badly hurt! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man moans and replies, "Yes, Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"

You believe the staff room should have a Valium salt lick.
You find humor is other people's stupidity.
You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to have all your holidays and summers free.
You can tell it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
You believe "shallow gene pool" should have it's own box on the report card.
You believe that unspeakable evil will befall you if anyone says, "Boy, the kids are sure mellow today."
When out in public, you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior.
Marking all A's on the report card would make your life SOOO much simpler.
When you mention "vegetables" and you're not talking about a food group.
You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.
You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.
You really encourage an obnoxious parent to check into home schooling.
You've never had your profession slammed by someone who would NEVER DREAM of doing your job.
You can't have children of your own, because there is NO name you could give a child that wouldn't bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it.
Meeting a child's parents INSTANTLY answers the question, "Why is this kid like this?"

There once was a young woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
"NO, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

A traveling preacher finds himself in a tremendous rainstorm. Withing a few hours the hotel he is staying in becomes flooded. As the water rises, the preacher climbs to the roof and starts praying. "Lord, save me so I can continue on my mission of preaching your gospel."
Just then, a coast guard rescue party floats by in a rowboat. "Let's go mister. Into the boat."
"I'll stay here," says the preacher, "The Lord will save me."
An hour later a second boat reaches the scene and the water is close to the roof of the hotel. "Sir, you better get in.the water is still rising."
"No thanks. The Lord will be my salvation."
Toward evening, the hotel is almost completely under water and the preacher is clinging to the satellite dish on the roof. A helicopter is spotted and on a loudspeaker is heard "Sir, grab on to the line and we will pull you up. This is your last chance".
"I'm all right," says the preacher, "I know the Lord will provide sanctuary." as he looks heavenward.
As the helicopter departs, the satellite dish is hit by lightning and the preacher is killed.
When he arrived at the Pearly Gates he was furious. "What happened, " he shouts. "I thought the Lord would provide!"
Moments later a thunderous voice is heard. "Gimmie a break pal. I sent you 2 boats and a chopper"

Little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your Father. I think he's in the garage".
Little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block. I asked Mom but she said the dog was in heat and that I should ask you".
Dad said, "Bring Susie over here".
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's butt with it and said, "Ok, you can go now but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block".
Little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Dad said, "Where's Susie?"
Little girl said, "Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block and there's another dog pushing her home".

Sandy McDonald, a long time and respected resident of a small Scottish town, passed away. His wife, Maggie, went to the newspaper to place an obituary. She asked how much it would be. When the newspaper man told her, she was a little shocked by the price.
She asked him, "Since Sandy was such a highly regarded resident of this town, couldn't you do it for nothing?"
"No", said the man. "But, I will give you three words, free."
Maggie answered, "Well, we could just say, ' McDonald is dead."
The newspaper man, then said, "I have just been thinking. since Sandy was such a highly respected resident of our town, I think I could make that six words, free."
"Oh," said Maggie. "Then we could say, "McDonald is dead. Bicycle for sale."

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?
The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.
A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police
will be called immediately.
The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries "MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?"

If you are considering doing some camping this Spring and Summer, please note the following public service announcement:
In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in bear country.
The bells warn away MOST bears (grizzly, black, etc.) but be careful because they don't scare Kodiak/brown bears.
Tourists are cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying particular attention to bear droppings to be alert for the presence of Kodiak/brown bears.
One can easily spot a Kodiak/brown bear's droppings. Those are the droppings that contain those tiny bells.

A woman has a dog who snores in his sleep and keeps her and her husband awake at night. She goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring. Of course the woman is very sceptical in believing this and goes home. A few hours after going to bed the dog is snoring as usual. Finally getting very frustrated, she goes to closet and grabs a piece of ribbon, ties it around the dogs privates, and sure enough the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed.
Later that night her husband returns from being out with his friends and he is very drunk. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly. The woman is desperate and thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. She goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husbands privates. Amazingly it also works on him. The woman falls asleep again and sleeps very soundly.
The next morning the husband wakes up very hung over. He stumbles into the bathroom. As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused. He walks back into the bedroom and sees a red ribbon attached to his dogs privates. He looks at the dog and says "Boy, I don't remember what the hell happened last night, but where ever you and I where, we got first and second place."

A woman finds herself outside the Pearly Gates, where she is greeted by St. Peter. "Am I where I think I am?" she exclaims. "It's so beautiful! Did I really make it to heaven?"
To which St. Peter replies, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one thing before you can enter." Very excited, the woman asks what she must do to pass through the gates.
"Spell a word," St. Peter replies.
"What word?" she asks.
"Any word," answers St. Peter. "It's your choice."
The woman promptly replies, "The word I will spell is love. L-o-v-e."
St. Peter congratulates her on her good fortune of making it into Heaven and asks her if she will take his place at the gates for a moment while he goes to the bathroom.
"I'd be honored," she says, "but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?"
St. Peter instructs her to require any newcomers to spell a word, just as she had done. So the woman takes St. Peter's chair and watches the beautiful angels soaring around her, when lo and behold, a man approaches the gates. It is her husband!
"What happened?" she cries. "Why are you here?"
Her husband explains, "I was so upset when I left your funeral that I got into an automobile accident. Now I am here, ready to join you in Heaven."
"Not just yet," the woman replies. "First you must spell a word."
"What word?" he asks.
"Czechoslovakia."