April 1999

The Funeral	Problem Solving	Can't Find It
Coffee in Bed	Let Sleeping Dogs Lie	Sayings to Ponder
Middle-Aged	Ways to Identify a Company Car	Eat Your Veggies
Honey Can You...	Murphy's Law For Parents...	Last Request
Guardian Angel	Public Transportation	Grateful?
IRS	Actual Newspaper Headlines	Different Man
Little Johnny	Important Health Notice!!!	The Yuppette
Anything?	The Investigation	New State Mottos
Lipstick	You've Got Mail	The Tombstone
Lottery Winner		Nerds

A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "NERDS NOT ALLOWED--ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He goes in and sits down.
The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are over-populating Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license, he said.
So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.
He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."
"Well, sure." said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."

A woman gets home, runs into her house, slams the door and shouts: "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery."
The husband says, "Wow! That's great! Should I pack for the ocean, or should I pack for the mountains?"
She says, "I don't care....Just get the hell out!"

A woman and her little girl were visitng the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetary back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

An elderly woman went to her mail box several times before it was even time for the mailman to make his rounds.
A neighbor noticed her repeated trips to the curb and asked if she was waiting for a special delivery.
Her reply: "My computer keeps telling me I have mail".

A middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian, who had to clean the mirrors every day. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror.
Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

Down around the Texas-Louisiana border, there has been a recent rash of illegal cock fighting, with quite a bit of gambling. The director of the Louisiana State Police finally bent to public pressure and sent an investigator to get to the bottom of the problem.
The crack investigator, Boudreaux, took an unmarked cruiser and headed for Mamou. He was gone for two days and arrived back in Baton Rouge to report to the director.
He reported that there were three major groups involved in the illegal cock fighting - Texas Aggies, Cajuns and the Mafia.
Of course, the boss wanted to know how he surmised this, and he replied that he knew there were Texas Aggies involved when he saw someone enter a duck into the fight.
He knew that there were Cajuns involved when someone bet on the duck.
He then stated that he was absolutely positive that the Mafia was involved when the duck won!

         Alabama:
         At Least We're not Mississippi

         Alaska:
         11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!

         Arizona:
         But It's a Dry Heat

         Arkansas:
         Litterasy Ain't Everthing

         California:
         As Seen on TV

         Colorado:
         If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

         Connecticut:
         Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character

         Delaware:
         We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water

         Florida:
         Ask Us About Our Grandkids


         Delaware:
         We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water

         Florida:
         Ask Us About Our Grandkids

         Georgia:
         We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism

         Hawaii:
         Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
         (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

         Idaho:
         More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure are Real Good

         Illinois:
         Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

         Indiana:
         2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

         Iowa:
         We Do Amazing Things With Corn

         Kansas:
         First Of The Rectangle States

         Kentucky:
         Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

         Louisiana:
         We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

         Maine:
         We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

        Maryland:
         A Thinking Man's Delaware

         Massachusetts:
         Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

         Michigan:
         First Line of Defense From the Canadians

         Minnesota:
         "10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes"

         Mississippi:
         Come Feel Better About Your Own State

         Missouri:
         Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work

         Montana:
         Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else

         Nebraska:
         Ask About Our State Motto Contest

         Nevada:
         Whores and Poker!

         New Hampshire:
         Go Away and Leave Us Alone

         New Jersey:
         Ya Wanna ##$%##!in' Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##!in' Motto Right Here!

         New Mexico:
         Lizards Make Excellent Pets

         New York:
         You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an
         Attorney...

         North Carolina:
         Tobacco is a Vegetable

         North Dakota:
         We Really are One of the 50 States!

         Ohio:
         We Wish We Were In Michigan

         Oklahoma:
         Like the Play, only No Singing

         Oregon:
         Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner

         Pennsylvania:
         Cook With Coal

         Rhode Island:
         We're Not REALLY An Island

         South Carolina:
         Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

         South Dakota:
         Closer Than North Dakota

         Tennessee:
         The Educashun State

         Texas:
         Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I speak English)

         Utah:
         Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

         Vermont:
         Yep

         Virginia:
         Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?


         Washington:
         Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!

         West Virginia:
         One Big Happy Family -- Really!

         Wisconsin:
         Eat Cheese or Die

         Wyoming:
         Wynot?

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and says, "I would do anything to pass this exam."
She then leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes and says, "I mean," she whispers, "I would do anything."
He returns her gaze. "Anything?"
"Anything."
His voice softens. "Anything?"
"Anything."
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you, study?"

There is a possibility of another outbreak of swine flu during the next few months.
In order that you may be on the alert for indications that you or members of your family may have contracted the Swine Flu Virus, you should be aware of the symptoms associated with this virus.

1) Sore throat.
2) Slight headache.
3) Moderate to high temperature.
4) Nausea or upset stomach.
5) A strong urge to have sex in the mud.

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Farmer Bill Dies in House
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Stud Tires Out
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
Eye Drops off Shelf
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

Little Johnny was one of those holy terrors. His father was surprised when his mom suggested that they buy him a bike for his birthday.
"Do you really believe that'll help improve his behavior ?" he said.
"Well, no," she admitted, "But it'll spread it over a wider area."

"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant, "you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man."
"That's correct," says the defendant.
"Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her."
"That's correct," says the defendant.
"Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?" asked the prosecutor.
"It seemed easier," replied the defendant, "than shooting a different man every day!"

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, "Now you have everything."

Heard on a public transportation vehicle while in Orlando: "When you exit this vehicle, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step.

If you fail to do so, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you."

A young boy and his doting grandmother were walking along the sea shore when a huge wave appeared out of nowhere, sweeping the child out to sea.
The horrified woman fell to her knees, raised her eyes to the heavens and begged the Lord to return her beloved grandson.
Lo, another wave reared up and deposited the stunned child on the sand before her.
The grandmother looked the boy over carefully. He was fine. But still she stared up angrily toward the heavens. "When we came," she snapped indignantly, "he had a hat!"

1. The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale next week.

2. Leak proof thermoses--will.

3. The chances of a piece of bread falling with the grape jelly side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

4. The garbage truck will be two doors past your house when the argument over whose day it is to take out the trash ends.

5. The shirt your child must wear today will be the only one that needs to be washed or mended.

6. Gym clothes left at school in lockers mildew at a faster rate than other clothing.

7. The item your child lost, and must have for school within the next ten seconds, will be found in the last place you look.

8. Sick children recover miraculously when the pediatrician enters the treatment room.

9. Refrigerated items, used daily, will gravitate toward the back of the refrigerator.

10. Your chances of being seen by someone you know dramatically increase if you drive your child to school in your robe and curlers.

A woman opened the door of a building and was about to step outside when she heard a voice saying, "Don't take that next step or you'll regret it." She paused and a brick came crashing to the pavement right where she would have been standing. She looked around and there was no one nearby.
The next day this woman was about to step into the street when she heard this same voice say, "Don't take that next step or you'll regret it." As she paused a truck came racing by and smashed into a nearby vehicle. She knew if she hadn't listened to that voice she would have been hurt badly, or maybe even killed.
She looked behind her and there was no one nearby. "All right," she said , "Who are you ?"
"I'm your guardian angel and I'm here to protect you" the voice replied.
"Oh, if that's the case," the woman said, "Where were you on my wedding day?"

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.
"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd - no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.
"A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again.
Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age.
"Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. So maybe I can be of some comfort to this poor dying man."
The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice, "B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72. . ."

1. They travel faster in all gears, especially reverse.

2. They accelerate at a phenomenal rate.

3. They enjoy a much shorter braking distance.

4. They can take bumps at twice the speed on private cars.

5. Oil, battery, tire pressures and fluid levels do not need to be checked nearly so often.

6. They have a much tighter turning radius.

7. The floor is shaped like an ashtray.

8. They only burn the cheapest gas available.

9. They do not have to be garaged at night.

10. They can be driven up to 100 miles with the oil warning light on.

11. They need cleaning less often, especially inside.

12. The suspension and trunk floor are reinforced to allow concrete slabs and other heavy building materials to be carried.

13. They are adapted to allow reverse to be engaged while the car is still in forward motion.

14. The tire side walls are designed for bumping into and over curbs.

15. Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated by the adjustment of the radio volume control.

16. No security is needed. They may be left anywhere, unlocked, with the keys in the ignition.

Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..."
"I know, I know." the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."
"No, that's not it at all," Brenda confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

A lady goes to the doctor and complains her husband is losing interest in sex. He gives her a pill but warns her it is still experimental. He tells her to slip it in his mashed potatoes at dinner and she does.
About a week later she's back at the doctor and says, "The pill worked great. I put it in his mashed potatoes like you said. It wasn't five minutes later and he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes on the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off and ravaged me right there on the table."
The doctor says, "I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."
The lady replied, "Naah, That's okay. We aren't going back to Denny's anyway."

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.
"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me."
"This one's kind of strange..."
"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.
"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and I heard a plink-plink in the toilet; when I looked down, the water was full of pennies."
"I see."
"That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl."
"Uh-huh."
"That night," she went on, "there were dimes and this morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored, "I'm scared out of my wits!"
The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about. You're simply going through your change."

An aging Yuppette was overly concerned about her health and was always rushing to the doctor whenever she heard of a new disease. She was trying to convince the doctor that she had an incurable malady she'd just read about.
"My dear Lady." remarked the doctor. "In the first place if you did have Sericulturitis, you'd never know it. There is no pain or suffering, nor any symptoms whatever."
"Just as I feared." said the Yuppette triumphantly. "Those are my symptoms precisely !"

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Everytime I think about exercise, I lie down til the thought goes away.

God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things.
Right now I am so far behind, I'll live forever.

I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.

There can't be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.

The nice part of living in a small town is
that when I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight,
because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it !

One afternoon, I was in the back yard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when I walked into the house, he followed me, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour.
This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with ten children - he's trying to catch up on his sleep."

A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.
She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"
Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.' "

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

Little Billy was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom. So Billy raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course the teacher said yes, but asked him to be quick.
Five minutes later Billy returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. "I can't find it", he admitted.
The teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now. Billy looked at the diagram, said "yes" and goes on his way.
Five minutes later he returned to the class room and says to the teacher "I can't find it".
Frustrated, the teacher asked Jon, a boy who has been at the school for awhile, to help him find the bathroom.
So Jon and Billy go together and five minutes later they both return and sit down at their seats. The teacher asks Bobby, "Well, did you find it?"
Bobby is quick with his reply: "Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards"

A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman who has just passed away.
At the end of the Service, the pall-bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan.
They open the casket and find that the woman is actually still alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies.
A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end of the ceremony, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "WATCH OUT FOR THAT WALL!"