Monday, April 26,
A truck driver hauling a
tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he
sees a big sign on the door saying "NERDS NOT ALLOWED--ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!"
He goes in and sits down.
The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he
smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says
he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The
bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.
is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a
pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a
foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and
blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender
said not to worry, the nerds are over-populating Silicon Valley, and are in
season now. You don't even need a license, he said.
So the truck driver
finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway.
Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door
breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees
a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers,
accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.
can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he
pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A
highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at
him to stop.
The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in
"Well, sure." said the patrolman, "But you can't bait
A woman gets home, runs into
her house, slams the door and shouts: "Honey, pack your bags. I won the
The husband says, "Wow! That's great! Should I pack for the ocean,
or should I pack for the mountains?"
She says, "I don't care....Just get the
Sunday, April 25,
A woman and her little girl
were visitng the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through
the cemetary back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury
two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, dear." replied the mother,
"Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a
lawyer and an honest man.'"
Saturday, April 24,
An elderly woman went to her
mail box several times before it was even time for the mailman to make his
A neighbor noticed her repeated trips to the curb and asked if she
was waiting for a special delivery.
Her reply: "My computer keeps telling me
I have mail".
Friday, April 23,
A middle school in Oregon was
faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use
lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put
on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of
little lip prints. Finally the principal decided that something had to be
done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major
problem for the custodian, who had to clean the mirrors every day. To
demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian
to clean one of the mirrors.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it
into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror.
Since then there have been no
lip prints on the mirror.
Thursday, April 22,
Down around the Texas-Louisiana
border, there has been a recent rash of illegal cock fighting, with quite a bit
of gambling. The director of the Louisiana State Police finally bent to public
pressure and sent an investigator to get to the bottom of the problem.
crack investigator, Boudreaux, took an unmarked cruiser and headed for Mamou. He
was gone for two days and arrived back in Baton Rouge to report to the
He reported that there were three major groups involved in the
illegal cock fighting - Texas Aggies, Cajuns and the Mafia.
Of course, the
boss wanted to know how he surmised this, and he replied that he knew there were
Texas Aggies involved when he saw someone enter a duck into the fight.
knew that there were Cajuns involved when someone bet on the duck.
stated that he was absolutely positive that the Mafia was involved when the duck
Wednesday, April 21,
At Least We're not
11,623 Eskimos Can't
But It's a Dry
As Seen on TV
If You Don't Ski,
Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
We Really Do Like
the Chemicals in our Water
Ask Us About Our
We Really Do Like
the Chemicals in our Water
Ask Us About Our
We Put the "Fun" in
Haka Tiki Mou
Sha'ami Leeki Toru
Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
More Than Just
Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure are Real
Pronounce the "S"
2 Billion Years
Tidal Wave Free
We Do Amazing Things
First Of The
People; Fifteen Last Names
We're Not All
Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
We're Really Cold,
But We Have Cheap Lobster
Our Taxes Are
Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
First Line of
Defense From the Canadians
"10,000 Lakes and
Better About Your Own State
Your Federal Flood
Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Land of the Big
Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else
Ask About Our
State Motto Contest
Go Away and Leave
Ya Wanna ##$%##!in'
Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##!in' Motto Right Here!
You Have the Right to
Remain Silent, You Have the Right to
Tobacco is a
We Really are
One of the 50 States!
We Wish We
Were In Michigan
Like the Play,
only No Singing
Spotted Owl... It's
What's For Dinner
We're Not REALLY An
Remember the Civil
War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
Closer Than North
Si' Hablo Ing'les
(Yes, I speak English)
Our Jesus Is
Better Than Your Jesus
Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
One Big Happy
Family -- Really!
Eat Cheese or
Tuesday, April 20,
A student comes to a young
professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and says,
"I would do anything to pass this exam."
She then leans closer to him, flips
back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes and says, "I mean," she
whispers, "I would do anything."
He returns her gaze.
His voice softens.
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you,
Monday, April 19,
Important Health Notice!!!
There is a possibility of
another outbreak of swine flu during the next few months.
that you may be on the alert for indications that you or members of your family
may have contracted the Swine Flu Virus, you should be aware of the symptoms
associated with this virus.
1) Sore throat.
3) Moderate to high temperature.
4) Nausea or upset
5) A strong urge to have sex in the
Sunday, April 18,
Actual Newspaper Headlines
Something Went Wrong in Jet
Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months in
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Farmer Bill Dies in
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris around
Stud Tires Out
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails;
Veterinarian Takes Over
Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
Saturday, April 17,
Little Johnny was one of those
holy terrors. His father was surprised when his mom suggested that they buy him
a bike for his birthday.
"Do you really believe that'll help improve his
behavior ?" he said.
"Well, no," she admitted, "But it'll spread it over a
Friday, April 16,
"So let me get this straight,"
the prosecutor says to the defendant, "you came home from work early and found
your wife in bed with a strange man."
"That's correct," says the
"Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you take out a pistol and
shoot your wife, killing her."
"That's correct," says the defendant.
my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?" asked the
"It seemed easier," replied the defendant, "than shooting a
different man every day!"
Thursday, April 15,
A businessman on his deathbed
called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you
will have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me
to do with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope
and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, "Now
you have everything."
Heard on a public
transportation vehicle while in Orlando: "When you exit this vehicle, please be
sure to lower your head and watch your step.
If you fail to do so, please
lower your voice and watch your language. Thank
Wednesday, April 14,
A young boy and his doting
grandmother were walking along the sea shore when a huge wave appeared out of
nowhere, sweeping the child out to sea.
The horrified woman fell to her
knees, raised her eyes to the heavens and begged the Lord to return her beloved
Lo, another wave reared up and deposited the stunned child on the
sand before her.
The grandmother looked the boy over carefully. He was fine.
But still she stared up angrily toward the heavens. "When we came," she snapped
indignantly, "he had a hat!"
Tuesday, April 13,
Murphy's Law For Parents...
1. The tennis shoes you must
replace today will go on sale next week.
2. Leak proof
3. The chances of a piece of bread falling with the
grape jelly side down is directly proportional to the cost of the
4. The garbage truck will be two doors past your house when the
argument over whose day it is to take out the trash ends.
5. The shirt
your child must wear today will be the only one that needs to be washed or
6. Gym clothes left at school in lockers mildew at a faster rate
than other clothing.
7. The item your child lost, and must have for
school within the next ten seconds, will be found in the last place you
8. Sick children recover miraculously when the pediatrician enters
the treatment room.
9. Refrigerated items, used daily, will gravitate
toward the back of the refrigerator.
10. Your chances of being seen by
someone you know dramatically increase if you drive your child to school in your
robe and curlers.
Monday, April 12,
A woman opened the door of a
building and was about to step outside when she heard a voice saying, "Don't
take that next step or you'll regret it." She paused and a brick came crashing
to the pavement right where she would have been standing. She looked around and
there was no one nearby.
The next day this woman was about to step into the
street when she heard this same voice say, "Don't take that next step or you'll
regret it." As she paused a truck came racing by and smashed into a nearby
vehicle. She knew if she hadn't listened to that voice she would have been hurt
badly, or maybe even killed.
She looked behind her and there was no one
nearby. "All right," she said , "Who are you ?"
"I'm your guardian angel and
I'm here to protect you" the voice replied.
"Oh, if that's the case,"
the woman said, "Where were you on my wedding day?"
Sunday, April 11,
A man is struck by a bus on a
busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of
spectators gathers around.
"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man
gasps. A policeman checks the crowd - no priest, no minister, no man of God of
"A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again.
Then out of the
crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age.
Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for
fifty years now I'm living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First
Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. So maybe I can be
of some comfort to this poor dying man."
The policeman agreed and brought the
octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the
injured and says in a solemn voice, "B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72. .
Saturday, April 10,
Ways to Identify a Company Car
1. They travel faster in
all gears, especially reverse.
2. They accelerate at a phenomenal
3. They enjoy a much shorter braking
4. They can take bumps at twice the speed on private
5. Oil, battery, tire pressures and fluid levels do not need
to be checked nearly so often.
6. They have a much tighter turning
7. The floor is shaped like an ashtray.
They only burn the cheapest gas available.
9. They do not have to
be garaged at night.
10. They can be driven up to 100 miles with the oil
warning light on.
11. They need cleaning less often, especially
12. The suspension and trunk floor are reinforced to allow
concrete slabs and other heavy building materials to be carried.
are adapted to allow reverse to be engaged while the car is still in forward
14. The tire side walls are designed for bumping into and over
15. Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily
eliminated by the adjustment of the radio volume control.
16. No security
is needed. They may be left anywhere, unlocked, with the keys in the
Friday, April 9,
Brenda, pregnant with her first
child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office. When the exam was over,
she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..."
"I know, I know." the
doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "I get asked that all
the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."
"No, that's not it at
all," Brenda confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the
A lady goes to the doctor and
complains her husband is losing interest in sex. He gives her a pill but warns
her it is still experimental. He tells her to slip it in his mashed potatoes at
dinner and she does.
About a week later she's back at the doctor and says,
"The pill worked great. I put it in his mashed potatoes like you said. It wasn't
five minutes later and he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes on the floor,
grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off and ravaged me right there on the
The doctor says, "I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that
strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."
replied, "Naah, That's okay. We aren't going back to Denny's
Thursday, April 8,
A middle-aged woman seemed
sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.
"Come now," coaxed the doctor,
"you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me."
one's kind of strange..."
"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor
"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning
and I heard a plink-plink in the toilet; when I looked down, the water was full
"That afternoon I went again and there were nickels
in the bowl."
"That night," she went on, "there were dimes and
this morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with
me!" she implored, "I'm scared out of my wits!"
The gynecologist put a
comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared
about. You're simply going through your
Wednesday, April 7,
An aging Yuppette was overly
concerned about her health and was always rushing to the doctor whenever she
heard of a new disease. She was trying to convince the doctor that she had
an incurable malady she'd just read about.
"My dear Lady." remarked the
doctor. "In the first place if you did have Sericulturitis, you'd never know it.
There is no pain or suffering, nor any symptoms whatever."
"Just as I
feared." said the Yuppette triumphantly. "Those are my symptoms precisely
Tuesday, April 6,
Growing old is mandatory;
growing up is optional.
Insanity is my only means of
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves
Everytime I think about exercise, I lie down til the thought
God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of
Right now I am so far behind, I'll live forever.
I finally got
my head together, and my body fell apart.
There can't be a crisis this
week; my schedule is already full.
The nice part of living in a small
that when I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does.
older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight,
because by then your body
and your fat are really good friends.
Sometimes I think I understand
everything, then I regain consciousness.
Seen it all, done it
all, can't remember most of it !
Monday, April 5,
Sleeping Dogs Lie
One afternoon, I was in the
back yard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the
yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But
when I walked into the house, he followed me, sauntered down the hall and fell
asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The
next day he was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an
This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his
collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."
The next day
he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with
ten children - he's trying to catch up on his
Sunday, April 4,
A sweet little boy surprised
his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself
and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the
coffee. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and
as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army
guys in the bottom of the cup.
She asked, "Honey, why would three little
green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"
Her grandson replied, "You know
grandma, it's like on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'
Saturday, April 3,
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba
called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Bubba replied, "At
the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for
There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her
over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
Friday, April 2,
Little Billy was excited about
his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class
started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom. So Billy
raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course the teacher
said yes, but asked him to be quick.
Five minutes later Billy returned,
looking more desperate and embarrassed. "I can't find it", he admitted.
teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and
asked him if he will be able to find it now. Billy looked at the diagram, said
"yes" and goes on his way.
Five minutes later he returned to the class room
and says to the teacher "I can't find it".
Frustrated, the teacher asked Jon,
a boy who has been at the school for awhile, to help him find the bathroom.
So Jon and Billy go together and five minutes later they both return and sit
down at their seats. The teacher asks Bobby, "Well, did you find it?"
is quick with his reply: "Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on
Thursday, April 1,
A funeral service is being held
in a church for a woman who has just passed away.
At the end of the Service,
the pall-bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a
wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan.
They open the casket and
find that the woman is actually still alive. She lives for ten more years and
A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end of the
ceremony, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are
walking, the husband cries out, "WATCH OUT FOR THAT