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May, 2003

Saturday, May 31, 2003

Alligator Shoes

A young woman was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the woman shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the woman turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the woman flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Darn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

Friday, May 30, 2003

From Letters Sent to Landlords

1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

2. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

3. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

4. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

5. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

6. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

7. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk.  Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

8. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.

9. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.

10. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.

Thursday, May 29, 2003

The Vet

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'

'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him.'

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says 'I'm going to have to put him down.'

'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'

'No, because he's heavy.'

Wednesday, May 28, 2003

Quick Study

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard at low pay for long hours. The blacksmith immediately began his instructions to the lad, "When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer." The apprentice did just as he told. 

Now he's the village blacksmith....

Tuesday, May 27, 2003

Proper Care

A young bride and groom to be had just selected the wedding ring. As the girl admired the plain platinum and diamond band, she suddenly looked concerned. "Tell me," she asked the elderly salesman, "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?"

With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, "One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to dip it in dishwater three times a day."

Monday, May 26, 2003

Cakes and Ale

It seems that during an examination one day at Cambridge University a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor  to bring him Cakes and Ale. The following dialog ensued:

Proctor: I beg your pardon?

Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale.

Proctor: Sorry, no.

Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require
that you bring me Cakes and Ale.

At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which read (roughly translated): "Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale." Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away. Three weeks later, the same student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.

Sunday, May 25, 2003

Not So Smart

An enemy decoy, built in occupied Holland, led to a tale that has been told and retold ever since by veteran Allied pilots. The German "airfield", constructed with meticulous care, was made almost entirely of wood.

There were wooden hangars, oil tanks, gun emplacements, trucks, and aircraft.

The day finally came when the decoy was finished, down to the last wooden plank. And early the following morning, a lone RAF plane crossed the Channel, came in low, circled the field once, and dropped a large wooden bomb.

Saturday, May 24, 2003

Which One

As the passengers settled in on a West Coast commuter flight a flight attendant announced, "We'd like you folks to help us welcome our new co-pilot.  He'll be performing his first commercial landing for us today, so be sure to give him a big round of applause when we come to a stop."

 The plane made an extremely bumpy landing, bouncing hard two or three times before taxiing to a stop.  Still, the passengers applauded.  Then the attendant's voice came over the intercom, "Thanks for flying with us. And don't forget to let our co-pilot know which landing you liked best."

Friday, May 23, 2003

Best Position

Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

"Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one.

"No," another contended.  "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."

"You're both wrong," the third insisted.  "The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor."

The repairman could contain himself no longer.  "Hey!" he interrupted, "the best prayin' I ever did was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."

Thursday, May 22, 2003

In A Child's Mind

Three-year-old Nick was especially fond of his great-grandfather.  When he died, Nick's mother explained to him that his great-grandfather had gone to Heaven.

"Mom, Grandpa is with God, right?" Nick asked.

"Yes," his mother replied.

"Well, why doesn't God fix him and send him back?"

Wednesday, May 21, 2003

A Wish

This guy is walking on the beach somewhere in California. He sees a lamp, rubs it, and a Genie comes out. The genie is so happy that he decides to grant one wish to the lucky guy.

The guy thinks about it and says, "I'd like you to build a highway to Hawaii because I am afraid to fly. The genie responds that this can't be done because it would be technologically impossible considering the depth of the ocean and the distance to Hawaii. So he asks the guy to wish for something else.

The guy thinks about it and, very enthusiastically, wishes he would understand women.

The genie than said, "Do you want your highway to have 2 or 4 lanes?"

Tuesday, May 20, 2003

Waterloo

A man goes into a bar very thirsty. He sits down waiting for the bartender to see him. The man next to him calls for the bartender saying, "I'll have another waterloo."

The bartender gives him a tall ice cold drink, then asks the newcomer what he would like to drink. Wanting to try this new drink he says "I'll have a waterloo too."

The bartender gives him a tall ice cold drink. He takes a big drink and says "HEY! This isn't any good. It tastes just like water!"

The man next to him looks at the bartender and says "Well, it is water...right Lou?

Monday, May 19, 2003

Close Enough?

A woman calling a travel agency to make reservations said, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York".

The agent was at a loss for words. Finally he asked, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"

"Yes, what Flights do you have?" replied the customer.

After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere."

The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!"

The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?"

"That's it!" she said. "I knew it was some big animal!"

Sunday, May 18, 2003

Speeding

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange: Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I kidnapped the man who owns this car and stuffed him in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Gun ? What...there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: I said what ????

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, And I'll bet he told you I was speeding too!!!

Saturday, May 17, 2003

Twins

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him "Juan."

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

Friday, May 16, 2003

The Friars

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

Thursday, May 15, 2003

Charm School

At one of the last all girl schools in Dallas years ago, the instructor in a "Charm Course" was urging her students to give their escorts every chance to be gallant.

"Remain seated in the truck until he has had time to step around and open the door for you." she said.

Then, returning to reality she added, "But if the big oaf is in the restaurant ordering his steak...don't wait any longer."

Wednesday, May 14, 2003

A Good Pact

You're in incredible shape," the doctor said. "How old are you again?"

"I am 78." The man said.

"78!" remarked the doctor. "How do you stay so healthy? You look like a 60-year-old."

"Well, my wife and I made a pact when we got married that whenever she got mad she would go into the kitchen and cool off and I would go outside for a walk to settle down." the man explained.

"What does that have to do with it?" asked the doctor.

"I've pretty much lived an outdoor life."

Tuesday, May 13, 2003

Excuses For Calling in Sick

1. If it's all the same to you, I won't be coming in to work. The voices
told me to clean all the guns today.

2. When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my
Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

3. On Saturday, I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the
other half back an hour, I can never remember which it is --
accordingly, I will be in late or early.

4. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous
boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. Okay?

5. I'm stuck in the blood pressure machine at Walgreens.

Monday, May 12, 2003

Beware of Dog

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying; DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.  He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"

"Yep, that's him," he replied.

The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"

"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

Sunday, May 11, 2003

WHAT MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside -  I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION -
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC:
"Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT -
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY -
"Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS -
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM -
"Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA -
"You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER -
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS -
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY -
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY -
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

THANKS, MOM!
Happy Mother's Day :-)

Saturday, May 10, 2003

Wife Swap

Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing.

"Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."

"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.

Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"

"Absolutely not," he said.

"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not."

"Season's more than half over," he said.

Friday, May 9, 2003

Bank Robber

A bank robber went to the bank and pointed a gun on the cashier and said, "Give me all your money, or you'll be GEOGRAPHY!"

The cashier laughed nervously, "You mean HISTORY, right?"

The burglar snapped back, "Don't change the subject!"

Thursday, May 8, 2003

Biblical Interpretation

A teacher asked her students to draw a picture of their favorite Old Testament story, and as she moved around the class, she saw there were many wonderful drawings being done. Then she came across Johnny who had drawn an old man
driving what looked like a station wagon. In the back seat were two passengers, both apparently naked.

"It's a lovely picture," said the teacher, "but which story does it tell?"

Johnny seemed surprised at the question. "Doesn't it say in the Bible that God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden?"

Wednesday, May 7, 2003

The Phone

Jim was just falling off to sleep when his wife nudged him and said the telephone was ringing.  At this hour it was probably for him, she said, closing her eyes.  Jim rolled out of bed and trundled downstairs. 

When he returned, his wife was asleep. He woke her.

"Wasn't for me, after all," he said. 

She crawled out of bed and pulled on a robe.
 
Then he added, "It was a wrong number.

Tuesday, May 6, 2003

The Curse

A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.

"This is the Klopman diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."

"What's the curse?" the man asked.

"Mr. Klopman." answered the woman.

Monday, May 5, 2003

Legal Action

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.

He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

Sunday, May 4, 2003

Fair Warning

With no warning and clear out of the blue, a husband said to his wife, "Honey, I have invited a friend home for supper tonight."

His wife replied, "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't have time to go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal tonight!"

The husband said, "I know all that."

"Then why in the world did you invite your friend for supper tonight?" asked the wife.

The guy answered, "Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married."

Saturday, May 3, 2003

Tattoos

As an obstetrician, I sometimes see unusual tattoos when working in labor and delivery. One patient had some type of fish tattoo on her abdomen. "That sure is an unusual looking whale," I commented.

With a sad smile she replied, "It used to be a dolphin."

Friday, May 2, 2003

Groaner Alert

Noah opens up the ark and let all the animals out, telling them to "Go forth and multiply." He's closing the great doors of the ark when he notices that there are two snakes sitting in a dark corner.

So he says to them, "Didn't you hear me? You can go now. Go forth and multiply."

"We can't," said the snakes, "We're adders."

Thursday, May 1, 2003

Nothing Doing!

In front of a delicatessen, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realized with a start, was a very rare and precious piece of pottery.

He strolled into the store and offered two dollars for the cat. "It's not for sale," said the proprietor.

"Look," said the collector, "that cat is dirty and probably half wild, but I'm eccentric. I like cats that way. I'll raise my offer to ten dollars."

"It's a deal," said the proprietor, and pocketed the ten on the spot.

"For that sum I'm sure you won't mind throwing in the saucer," said the connoisseur. "The kitten seems so happy drinking from
it."

"Nothing doing," said the proprietor firmly. "That's my lucky saucer. From that saucer, so far this week I've sold 12 cats."