Saturday, May 31, 2003
woman was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of
genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay
the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very
frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the
woman shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can
get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and
catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the woman turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching
herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home,
when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in
hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward
her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort
hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead
creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the woman flips
the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Darn it, this one
isn't wearing any shoes either!"
Friday, May 30, 2003
From Letters Sent to Landlords
toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.
2. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next
3. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?
4. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.
5. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
6. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
7. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday
my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.
8. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a
third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.
9. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and
not fit to drink.
10. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe
stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.
Thursday, May 29, 2003
takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything
you can do for him?'
'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him.'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's heavy.'
Wednesday, May 28, 2003
village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard at low
pay for long hours. The blacksmith immediately began his instructions to
the lad, "When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the anvil;
and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer." The apprentice did
just as he told.
the village blacksmith....
Tuesday, May 27, 2003
bride and groom to be had just selected the wedding ring. As the girl
admired the plain platinum and diamond band, she suddenly looked
concerned. "Tell me," she asked the elderly salesman, "is there anything
special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?"
fatherly smile, the salesman said, "One of the best ways to protect a
wedding ring is to dip it in dishwater three times a day."
Monday, May 26, 2003
Cakes and Ale
that during an examination one day at Cambridge University a bright young
student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale.
The following dialog ensued:
Proctor: I beg your pardon?
Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale.
Proctor: Sorry, no.
Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require
that you bring me Cakes and Ale.
At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old
Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and
pointed to the section which read (roughly translated): "Gentlemen sitting
examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale." Pepsi and hamburgers
were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his
examination and happily slurping away. Three weeks later, the same student
was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.
Sunday, May 25, 2003
Not So Smart
decoy, built in occupied Holland, led to a tale that has been told and
retold ever since by veteran Allied pilots. The German "airfield",
constructed with meticulous care, was made almost entirely of wood.
There were wooden hangars, oil tanks, gun emplacements, trucks, and
The day finally came when the decoy was finished, down to the last wooden
plank. And early the following morning, a lone RAF plane crossed the
Channel, came in low, circled the field once, and dropped a large wooden
Saturday, May 24, 2003
passengers settled in on a West Coast commuter flight a flight attendant
announced, "We'd like you folks to help us welcome our new co-pilot.
He'll be performing his first commercial landing for us today, so be sure
to give him a big round of applause when we come to a stop."
The plane made an extremely bumpy landing, bouncing hard two or three
times before taxiing to a stop. Still, the passengers applauded. Then
the attendant's voice came over the intercom, "Thanks for flying with us.
And don't forget to let our co-pilot know which landing you liked best."
Friday, May 23, 2003
preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer while a telephone
repairman worked nearby.
"Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one.
"No," another contended. "I get the best results standing with my hands
outstretched to Heaven."
"You're both wrong," the third insisted. "The most effective prayer
position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor."
The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey!" he interrupted,
"the best prayin' I ever did was hangin' upside down from a telephone
Thursday, May 22, 2003
In A Child's Mind
Three-year-old Nick was especially fond of his great-grandfather. When he
died, Nick's mother explained to him that his great-grandfather had gone
"Mom, Grandpa is with God, right?" Nick asked.
his mother replied.
why doesn't God fix him and send him back?"
Wednesday, May 21, 2003
is walking on the beach somewhere in California. He sees a lamp, rubs it,
and a Genie comes out. The genie is so happy that he decides to grant one
wish to the lucky guy.
The guy thinks about it and says, "I'd like you to build a highway to
Hawaii because I am afraid to fly. The genie responds that this can't be
done because it would be technologically impossible considering the depth
of the ocean and the distance to Hawaii. So he asks the guy to wish for
The guy thinks about it and, very enthusiastically, wishes he would
The genie than said, "Do you want your highway to have 2 or 4 lanes?"
Tuesday, May 20, 2003
goes into a bar very thirsty. He sits down waiting for the bartender to
see him. The man next to him calls for the bartender saying, "I'll have
The bartender gives him a tall ice cold drink, then asks the newcomer what
he would like to drink. Wanting to try this new drink he says "I'll have a
The bartender gives him a tall ice cold drink. He takes a big drink and
says "HEY! This isn't any good. It tastes just like water!"
The man next to him looks at the bartender and says "Well, it is
Monday, May 19, 2003
calling a travel agency to make reservations said, "I want to go from
Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York".
The agent was at a loss for words. Finally he asked, "Are you sure that's
the name of the town?"
"Yes, what Flights do you have?" replied the customer.
After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've
looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus
The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is.
Check your map!"
The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You
don't mean Buffalo, do you?"
"That's it!" she said. "I knew it was some big animal!"
Sunday, May 18, 2003
officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's
card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I kidnapped the man who owns
this car and stuffed him in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was
quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to
handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a
gun in it?
Driver: Gun ? What...there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a
body in it.
Driver: I said what ????
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told
him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box,
and that there was a body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, And I'll bet he told you I was speeding too!!!
Saturday, May 17, 2003
has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in
Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name
later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving
the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture
husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
Friday, May 16, 2003
friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small
florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the
men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was
unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He
went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival
florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town
to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their
store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they
did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist
Thursday, May 15, 2003
At one of
the last all girl schools in Dallas years ago, the instructor in a "Charm
Course" was urging her students to give their escorts every chance to be
"Remain seated in the truck until he has had time to step around and open
the door for you." she said.
Then, returning to reality she added, "But if the big oaf is in the
restaurant ordering his steak...don't wait any longer."
Wednesday, May 14, 2003
A Good Pact
incredible shape," the doctor said. "How old are you again?"
"I am 78." The man said.
"78!" remarked the doctor. "How do you stay so healthy? You look like a
"Well, my wife and I made a pact when we got married that whenever she got
mad she would go into the kitchen and cool off and I would go outside for
a walk to settle down." the man explained.
"What does that have to do with it?" asked the doctor.
"I've pretty much lived an outdoor life."
May 13, 2003
Excuses For Calling in Sick
it's all the same to you, I won't be coming in to work. The voices
told me to clean all the guns today.
2. When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my
Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
3. On Saturday, I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the
other half back an hour, I can never remember which it is --
accordingly, I will be in late or early.
4. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous
boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. Okay?
5. I'm stuck in the blood pressure machine at Walgreens.
Monday, May 12, 2003
Beware of Dog
entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying;
DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a
harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.
He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware
that's him," he replied.
stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a
dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept
tripping over him."
Sunday, May 11, 2003
WHAT MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME
taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"
My mother taught me RELIGION
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
My mother taught me about
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next
My mother taught me LOGIC:
"Because I said so, that's why."
My mother taught me
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
My mother taught me IRONY -
"Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry about."
My mother taught me about
the science of OSMOSIS -
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
My mother taught me about
"Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me about
"You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."
My mother taught me about
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
My mother taught me how to
solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS -
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"
My mother taught me about
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't exaggerate!!!"
My mother taught me THE
CIRCLE OF LIFE -
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
My mother taught me about
BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -
"Stop acting like your father!"
My mother taught me about
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have
wonderful parents like you do!"
Happy Mother's Day :-)
Saturday, May 10, 2003
reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine.
Suddenly, she burst out laughing.
"Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is
offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."
"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.
Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"
"Absolutely not," he said.
"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not."
"Season's more than half over," he said.
Friday, May 9, 2003
robber went to the bank and pointed a gun on the cashier and said, "Give
me all your money, or you'll be GEOGRAPHY!"
The cashier laughed nervously, "You mean HISTORY, right?"
The burglar snapped back, "Don't change the subject!"
Thursday, May 8, 2003
asked her students to draw a picture of their favorite Old Testament
story, and as she moved around the class, she saw there were many
wonderful drawings being done. Then she came across Johnny who had drawn
an old man
driving what looked like a station wagon. In the back seat were two
passengers, both apparently naked.
"It's a lovely picture," said the teacher, "but which story does it tell?"
Johnny seemed surprised at the question. "Doesn't it say in the Bible that
God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden?"
Wednesday, May 7, 2003
just falling off to sleep when his wife nudged him and said the telephone
was ringing. At this hour it was probably for him, she said, closing her
eyes. Jim rolled out of bed and trundled downstairs.
When he returned, his wife was asleep. He woke her.
"Wasn't for me, after all," he said.
She crawled out of bed and pulled on a robe.
Then he added, "It was a wrong number.
Tuesday, May 6, 2003
businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman
wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked
her about it.
"This is the Klopman diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a
terrible curse that goes with it."
"What's the curse?" the man asked.
"Mr. Klopman." answered the woman.
Monday, May 5, 2003
walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man
standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink
envelopes with hearts all over them.
He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and
asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine
cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
Sunday, May 4, 2003
warning and clear out of the blue, a husband said to his wife, "Honey, I
have invited a friend home for supper tonight."
His wife replied, "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't have
time to go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like
cooking a fancy meal tonight!"
The husband said, "I know all that."
"Then why in the world did you invite your friend for supper tonight?"
asked the wife.
The guy answered, "Because the poor fool is thinking about getting
Saturday, May 3, 2003
obstetrician, I sometimes see unusual tattoos when working in labor and
delivery. One patient had some type of fish tattoo on her abdomen. "That
sure is an unusual looking whale," I commented.
With a sad smile she replied, "It used to be a dolphin."
Friday, May 2, 2003
opens up the ark and let all the animals out, telling them to "Go forth
and multiply." He's closing the great doors of the ark when he notices
that there are two snakes sitting in a dark corner.
So he says to them, "Didn't you hear me? You can go now. Go forth and
"We can't," said the snakes, "We're adders."
Thursday, May 1, 2003
of a delicatessen, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little kitten
lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realized with a start, was a
very rare and precious piece of pottery.
He strolled into the store and offered two dollars for the cat. "It's not
for sale," said the proprietor.
"Look," said the collector, "that cat is dirty and probably half wild, but
I'm eccentric. I like cats that way. I'll raise my offer to ten dollars."
"It's a deal," said the proprietor, and pocketed the ten on the spot.
"For that sum I'm sure you won't mind throwing in the saucer," said the
connoisseur. "The kitten seems so happy drinking from
"Nothing doing," said the proprietor firmly. "That's my lucky saucer. From
that saucer, so far this week I've sold 12 cats."