Monday, May 31, 2004
kindergarten class had settled down to its coloring books. Willie came up
to the teacher's desk and said, "Miss Francis, I ain't go no crayons."
"Willie," Miss Francis said, "you mean, "I don't have any crayons.' You
don't have any crayons. We don't have any crayons. They don't have any
crayons. Do you see what I'm getting at?"
"Not really," Willie said, "What happened to all them crayons?"
Sunday, May 30, 2004
your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife.
"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I
couldn't see where the ball went."
"But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't
you take my brother Scott along?"
"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack.
"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Tracy pointed
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball
disappeared down the middle of the fairway.
"Do you see it?" asked Jack.
"Yup," Scott answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
Saturday, May 29, 2004
went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out
looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only
When the enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started
running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the
bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as
he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.
Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside,
"You skin this one while I go and get another!"
Friday, May 28, 2004
A Second Child
second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre birth class
aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor
raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like
"Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so much we
decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that.
Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love
you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'"
One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook???"
Thursday, May 27, 2004
Woman of His Dreams
man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the
woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?
His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card
invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?"
He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to
dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.
"I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the
"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.
"We hadn't started eating yet."
Wednesday, May 26, 2004
Smith's were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to
America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators and Wall Street
They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and
grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose - how to
handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair.
The author said he could handle the story tactfully.
The book appeared. It said "Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied
electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his
position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock."
Tuesday, May 25, 2004
watching the movie Cinderella, five-year-old Sarah started using her
pinwheel as a magic wand, pretending she was a fairy godmother. "Make
three wishes," she told her mother, "and I'll grant them."
Her mom first asked for world peace. Sarah swung her wand and proclaimed
the request fulfilled. Next, her mother requested for a cure for all ill
children. Again, with a sweep of the pinwheel, Sarah obliged. The
mother, with a glance down at her rather ample curves, made her third
wish, "I wish to have a trim figure again."
The miniature fairy godmother started waving her wand madly. "I'll need
more power for this!" she exclaimed.
Monday, May 24, 2004
children received the video of Cinderella as a summer gift, they watched
it almost nonstop for three days. Since it was warm outside, we kept the
Our neighbors were having their roof re-shingled by three burly men. As I
went out to get the mail one afternoon, I heard a roofer singing, "...put
it together and what do you get?"
"From the other side of the house came a chorus of two more husky voices:
"Bibbidi bobbidi, bibbidi bobbidi, bibbidi, bobbidi boo!"
Sunday, May 23, 2004
I went to
the store the other day to pick out a new tie for an upcoming wedding. I
found one that matched my suit but it didn't have a price tag on it. So I
asked the clerk, "Hey, buddy, how much is this tie?"
He said, "Sixty-five dollars."
I said, "What! I can buy a pair of shoes with that kind of money."
He said, "Maybe, but how would a pair of shoes look around your neck?"
Saturday, May 22, 2004
This guy was lonely, and
decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and
told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he
finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his
He took the box back home,
found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his
new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would
you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?"
But there was no answer from
his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked
him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"
But again, there was no
answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking
about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his
face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you
like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?"
A little voice came out of
the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."
Friday, May 21, 2004
surgical residency I was called out of a sound sleep to the emergency
room. Unshaven and with tousled hair, I showed up with an equally
un-presentable medical student. In the ER we encountered the on-call
medical resident and his student, both neatly attired in clean white lab
The resident said to his student, "You can always tell the surgeons by
their absolute disregard for appearance."
Two evenings later, I was at a banquet when called to the ER to suture a
I was stitching away -- wearing a tuxedo -- when I encountered that same
medical resident. He looked at me, then said to his student, "Sure is
sensitive to criticism, isn't he?"
Thursday, May 20, 2004
detective who spent his entire career in plain clothes quit the police
force and bought a farm.
"What kind of crops do you plan to grow?" the police chief asked the
"Carrots and potatoes," the man replied.
"Why carrots and potatoes?" asked the chief.
"Because," answered the ex-detective, . . . "I'm very fond of undercover
Wednesday, May 19, 2004
brighten up a home: They always forget to turn out the lights!
The best way to keep your kids out of hot water is to put some dishes in
Your kid has started growing up when he stops asking you where he came
from and starts refusing to tell you where he's going.
You know the kids are growing up when your daughter begins to put on
lipstick and your son starts to wipe it off.
Tuesday, May 18, 2004
Warning Signs That You
Need A New Lawyer
- You met
him in prison.
- During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
- He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser".
- When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
- He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
- During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
- He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."
- A prison guard is shaving your head.
Monday, May 17, 2004
Wise King Solomon
came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a
"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young
attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half."
"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.
But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the
other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the
first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.
"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.
"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE
Sunday, May 16, 2004
along the beach, John tripped over a half buried kerosene lantern. He
rubbed its side and sure enough, a genie materialized. "I can't grant your
wishes," explained the freed spirit, "But I'll give you three gifts for
releasing me: a potion to cure ill health, a very large diamond and a
dinner date with a famous movie star. By tomorrow afternoon, you will have
received all these gifts."
When John returned home from work the next evening, he excitedly asked his
mother if anything had been delivered. "Yes," she replied. "It's been an
unusual day. At 2 pm, a 55 gallon drum of chicken soup arrived. About a
half-hour later, a telegram came saying that a long-lost relative had left
you a minor-league baseball stadium. Ten minutes ago,
MGM called, inviting you to dinner with Lassie tonight."
Saturday, May 15, 2004
went into a diner and sat down at the counter. They ordered two sodas,
took sandwiches out of their packs and started to eat them.
The owner saw what was going on and approached the men. "You can't eat
your own sandwiches in here," he complained.
The two men stopped, looked at each other, and then swapped their
Friday, May 14, 2004
first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some
of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the
male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule
will be fined twenty dollars the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be
fined sixty dollars. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of one
hundred eighty dollars. Are there any questions?"
A voice from the back of the room called out: "How much for a season
Thursday, May 13, 2004
Old Dr. Carver
Carver still made house calls. One afternoon he was called to the Tuttle
house. Mrs. Tuttle was in terrible pain. The doctor came out of the
bedroom a minute after he'd gone in and asked Mr. Tuttle, "Do you have a
A puzzled Mr. Tuttle went to the garage, and returned with a hammer. The
doctor thanked him and went back into the bedroom.
A moment later, he came out and asked, "Do you have a chisel?"
Mr. Tuttle complied with the request.
In the next ten minutes, Dr. Carver asked for and received a pair of
pliers a screwdriver and a hacksaw. The last request got to Mr. Tuttle. He
asked, "What are you doing to my wife?"
"Not a thing," replied old Doc Carver. "I can't get my instrument bag
Wednesday, May 12, 2004
Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go
Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Stock up and save. Limit: one. Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00
May 11, 2004
linguistics professor was lecturing his class. "In English," he
explained, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, such
as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However," the
professor continued, "there is no language wherein a double positive can
form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up. "Yeah, right."
May 10, 2004
Just Give Up
set out on a very windy night to see his friend Sam, who was sick in bed.
Hours later, George dragged his weary body into Sam's house, and collapsed
on the couch, exhausted. "I'll tell you," George said, when he had caught
his breath, "it was just brutal. For every step I took forward, I fell
"So how did you ever make it over here?" Sam asked.
"Well," George replied, "after a while I decided to give up, so I turned
around and headed for home."
May 9, 2004
Things Your Mother Wouldn't Say
good and for your birthday I'll buy you a motorcycle!"
"How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"
"Don't bother wearing a jacket--it's quite warm out."
"Let me smell that shirt--yeah, it's good for another week."
"I think a cluttered bedroom is a sign of creativity."
"Yeah, I used to skip school, too."
"Just leave all the lights on...it makes the house more cheery."
"Could you turn the music up louder so I can enjoy it, too?"
"Run and bring me the scissors! Hurry!"
"Just turn these undies inside out. No one will ever know."
"I don't have a tissue with me--just use your sleeve."
"Well, if Timmy's Mom says it's okay, that's good enough for me."
"Of course you should walk to school and back. What's the
big deal about having to cross a few main streets?"
"My meeting won't be over till later tonight. You kids don't mind if we
Saturday, May 8, 2004
night, the women in the Potato family were preparing dinner. Mother
Potato and her three daughters. Midway through the preparation of the
meal, the eldest daughter spoke up. "Mother?" she said. "I have an
"And what might that be?" said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in
her eldest daughter's eyes. "Well," replied the daughter, "I'm getting
The other Potato daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato
exclaimed, "Married! That's wonderful! And who are you marrying, eldest
"I'm marrying a Russet!"
"A Russet!" replied Mother Potato with pride. "Oh, a Russet is a fine
tater, a fine tater indeed!" said Mother Potato.
As they resumed the meal preparation, the middle daughter spoke up.
"Mother? I, too, have an announcement."
"And what might that be?" encouraged Mother Potato. The middle daughter
paused, then said with conviction, "I, too, am getting married!"
"You, too!" Mother Potato said with joy. "That's wonderful! Twice the
good news in one evening! And who are you marrying, middle daughter?"
"I'm marrying an Idaho!" beamed the middle daughter.
"An Idaho!" said Mother Potato with joy. "Oh, an Idaho is a fine tater, a
fine tater indeed!"
Once again the room came alive with laughter and excited plans for the
future, when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted. "Mother? Umm...
I, too, have an announcement to make."
"Yes?" said Mother Potato with great anticipation.
"Well," began the youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as
her sisters before her, "I hope this doesn't come as a shock to you, but I
am getting married, as well!"
"That's wonderful. Who are you marrying?" asked Mother Potato.
"I'm marrying Peter Jennings!" the youngest Potato daughter replied.
"PETER JENNINGS!?!" Mother Potato scowled suddenly. "But he's just a
Friday, May 7, 2004
In A Child's Mind
little Mary's first visit to the country, and feeding the chickens
morning she caught his first glimpse of peacock strutting in the yard.
indoors excitedly, Mary sought her grandmother. "Oh, Granny," she
exclaimed, "one of the chickens is in bloom!"
Thursday, May 6, 2004
The jurors in a
multi-billion dollar lawsuit against the tobacco industry were ordered by
the judge to not see the new movie "The Insider", because it might
influence their verdict. He also ordered them not to see "The House on
The prosecutor was surprised to hear this instruction and he said "I
understand why you've instructed the jurors to not see 'The Insider', but
why should they avoid the second movie, your honor?".
Being quick and to the point, the judge firmly stated "Because it stinks!"
Wednesday, May 5, 2004
The Check Out
rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items. She headed for the
express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned
"Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?"
The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down,
smiled and said, "Not bad."
May 4, 2004
The Old Blacksmith
blacksmith realized he was soon going to quit working so hard. He picked
out a strong young man to become his apprentice. The old fellow was crabby
and exacting. "Don't ask me a lot of questions," he told the boy. "Just
do whatever I tell you to do."
One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on
the anvil. "Get the hammer over there," he said. "When I nod my head,
hit it real good and hard."
Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith.
May 3, 2004
and son went fishing one day. After a couple hours out in the boat, the
boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his
father, "How does this boat float?"
The father thought for a moment, then replied, "Don't rightly know, son."
The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to his father,
"How do fish breath underwater?"
Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."
A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"
Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know, son."
Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, "Dad, do you mind my
asking you all of these questions?"
"Of course not son. If you don't ask questions, you'll never learn
May 2, 2004
Too Little, Too Late
guy is at the Pearly Gates, hoping to be admitted, and St. Peter says to the
guy, "I can't see that you did anything really good in your life, but you never
did anything bad either. I tell you what, if you can tell me one really good
deed that you did, you're in."
So the guy says, "Once I was
driving down the road and saw a gang of bikers assaulting this poor girl. So I
pulled over, got out my car, grabbed a tire iron and walked straight up to the
gang's leader--a huge ugly guy with a studded leather jacket, bald head but with
hair all over his body, and a chain running from his nose to his ear.
Undaunted, I ripped the
chain out of his nose and ear and smashed him over the head with the tire iron.
Then I turned around and, wielding my tire iron, yelled to the rest of them,
'You leave this poor, innocent lady alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged
animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"
Impressed, St. Peter says,
"Really? I can't seem to find this in your file. When did this happen?"
"Oh, about two minutes ago."