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May, 2004

Monday, May 31, 2004

Crayons

The kindergarten class had settled down to its coloring books. Willie came up to the teacher's desk and said, "Miss Francis, I ain't go no crayons."

"Willie," Miss Francis said, "you mean, "I don't have any crayons.' You don't have any crayons. We don't have any crayons. They don't have any crayons. Do you see what I'm getting at?"

"Not really," Willie said, "What happened to all them crayons?"

Sunday, May 30, 2004

Senior Golfers

"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife.

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went."

"But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"

"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack.

"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.

"Do you see it?" asked Jack.

"Yup," Scott answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

"I forgot."

Saturday, May 29, 2004

Bear Hunting

Two men went bear hunting.  While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.  He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.

When the enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.  He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.  Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.

Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"

Friday, May 28, 2004

A Second Child

When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:

"Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'"

One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook???"

Thursday, May 27, 2004

Woman of His Dreams

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?

His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?"

He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.

"I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes."

"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.

"We hadn't started eating yet."

Wednesday, May 26, 2004

Tact

The Smith's were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators and Wall Street wizards.

They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose - how to handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair.

The author said he could handle the story tactfully.

The book appeared. It said "Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock."

Tuesday, May 25, 2004

Three Wishes

After watching the movie Cinderella, five-year-old Sarah started using her pinwheel as a magic wand, pretending she was a fairy godmother.  "Make three wishes," she told her mother, "and I'll grant them."

Her mom first asked for world peace.  Sarah swung her wand and proclaimed the request fulfilled.  Next, her mother requested for a cure for all ill children.  Again, with a sweep of the pinwheel, Sarah obliged.  The mother, with a glance down at her rather ample curves, made her third wish, "I wish to have a trim figure again."

The miniature fairy godmother started waving her wand madly. "I'll need more power for this!" she exclaimed.

Monday, May 24, 2004

Cinderella

When my children received the video of Cinderella as a summer gift, they watched it almost nonstop for three days.  Since it was warm outside, we kept the windows open.

Our neighbors were having their roof re-shingled by three burly men.  As I went out to get the mail one afternoon, I heard a roofer singing, "...put it together and what do you get?"

"From the other side of the house came a chorus of two more husky voices: "Bibbidi bobbidi, bibbidi bobbidi, bibbidi, bobbidi boo!"

Sunday, May 23, 2004

$65 Tie

I went to the store the other day to pick out a new tie for an upcoming wedding. I found one that matched my suit but it didn't have a price tag on it. So I asked the clerk, "Hey, buddy, how much is this tie?"

He said, "Sixty-five dollars."

I said, "What! I can buy a pair of shoes with that kind of money."

He said, "Maybe, but how would a pair of shoes look around your neck?"

Saturday, May 22, 2004

New Pet

This guy was lonely, and decided life would  be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the  owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his  house.

He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and  have a beer?"

But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and  having a drink with me?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there!  Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?"

A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you  the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."

Friday, May 21, 2004

ER

During my surgical residency I was called out of a sound sleep to the emergency room. Unshaven and with tousled hair, I showed up with an equally un-presentable medical student. In the ER we encountered the on-call medical resident and his student, both neatly attired in clean white lab coats.

The resident said to his student, "You can always tell the surgeons by their absolute disregard for appearance."

Two evenings later, I was at a banquet when called to the ER to suture a minor laceration.

I was stitching away -- wearing a tuxedo -- when I encountered that same medical resident.  He looked at me, then said to his student, "Sure is sensitive to criticism, isn't he?"

Thursday, May 20, 2004

Plain Clothes

A detective who spent his entire career in plain clothes quit the police force and bought a farm.

"What kind of crops do you plan to grow?" the police chief asked the farmer-to-be.

"Carrots and potatoes," the man replied.

"Why carrots and potatoes?" asked the chief.

"Because," answered the ex-detective, . . . "I'm very fond of undercover crops."

Wednesday, May 19, 2004

Kids

Kids brighten up a home:  They always forget to turn out the lights!

The best way to keep your kids out of hot water is to put some dishes in it.

Your kid has started growing up when he stops asking you where he came from and starts refusing to tell you where he's going.

You know the kids are growing up when your daughter begins to put on lipstick and your son starts to wipe it off.

Tuesday, May 18, 2004

Warning Signs That You Need A New Lawyer

- You met him in prison.

- During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.

- He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser".

- When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.

- He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."

- During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.

- He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."

- A prison guard is shaving your head.

Monday, May 17, 2004

Wise King Solomon

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit.

"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.

"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.

And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.

"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half."

"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.

But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."

The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.

"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.

"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."

Sunday, May 16, 2004

Three Gifts

Walking along the beach, John tripped over a half buried kerosene lantern. He rubbed its side and sure enough, a genie materialized. "I can't grant your wishes," explained the freed spirit, "But I'll give you three gifts for releasing me: a potion to cure ill health, a very large diamond and a dinner date with a famous movie star. By tomorrow afternoon, you will have received all these gifts."

When John returned home from work the next evening, he excitedly asked his mother if anything had been delivered. "Yes," she replied. "It's been an unusual day. At 2 pm, a 55 gallon drum of chicken soup arrived. About a half-hour later, a telegram came saying that a long-lost relative had left you a minor-league baseball stadium. Ten minutes ago,
MGM called, inviting you to dinner with Lassie tonight."

Saturday, May 15, 2004

The Diner

Two men went into a diner and sat down at the counter.  They ordered two sodas, took sandwiches out of their packs and started to eat them.

The owner saw what was going on and approached the men.  "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here," he complained.
 
The two men stopped, looked at each other, and then swapped their sandwiches.

Friday, May 14, 2004

Dormitory Rules

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined twenty dollars the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined sixty dollars. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of one hundred eighty dollars. Are there any questions?"

A voice from the back of the room called out: "How much for a season pass?"

Thursday, May 13, 2004

Old Dr. Carver

Old Dr. Carver still made house calls. One afternoon he was called to the Tuttle house. Mrs. Tuttle was in terrible pain. The doctor came out of the bedroom a minute after he'd gone in and asked Mr. Tuttle, "Do you have a hammer?"

A puzzled Mr. Tuttle went to the garage, and returned with a hammer. The doctor thanked him and went back into the bedroom.

A moment later, he came out and asked, "Do you have a chisel?"

Mr. Tuttle complied with the request.

In the next ten minutes, Dr. Carver asked for and received a pair of pliers a screwdriver and a hacksaw. The last request got to Mr. Tuttle. He asked, "What are you doing to my wife?"

"Not a thing," replied old Doc Carver. "I can't get my instrument bag open."

Wednesday, May 12, 2004

Advertising Bloopers

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Stock up and save. Limit: one. Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00

Tuesday, May 11, 2004

Double Positive

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class.  "In English," he explained, "a double negative forms a positive.  In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.  However," the professor continued, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up. "Yeah, right."

Monday, May 10, 2004

Just Give Up

George set out on a very windy night to see his friend Sam, who was sick in bed. Hours later, George dragged his weary body into Sam's house, and collapsed on the couch, exhausted. "I'll tell you," George said, when he had caught his breath, "it was just brutal. For every step I took forward, I fell back two."

"So how did you ever make it over here?" Sam asked.

"Well," George replied, "after a while I decided to give up, so I turned around and headed for home."

Sunday, May 9, 2004

Things Your Mother Wouldn't Say

"Be good and for your birthday I'll buy you a motorcycle!"

"How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"

"Don't bother wearing a jacket--it's quite warm out."

"Let me smell that shirt--yeah, it's good for another week."

"I think a cluttered bedroom is a sign of creativity."

"Yeah, I used to skip school, too."

"Just leave all the lights on...it makes the house more cheery."

"Could you turn the music up louder so I can enjoy it, too?"

"Run and bring me the scissors! Hurry!"

"Just turn these undies inside out. No one will ever know."

"I don't have a tissue with me--just use your sleeve."

"Well, if Timmy's Mom says it's okay, that's good enough for me."

"Of course you should walk to school and back. What's the
big deal about having to cross a few main streets?"

"My meeting won't be over till later tonight. You kids don't mind if we skip dinner?

Saturday, May 8, 2004

Announcements

One night, the women in the Potato family were preparing dinner.  Mother Potato and her three daughters.  Midway through the preparation of the meal, the eldest daughter spoke up.  "Mother?" she said.  "I have an announcement
to make."

"And what might that be?" said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter's eyes.  "Well," replied the daughter, "I'm getting married!"

The other Potato daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, "Married!  That's wonderful!  And who are you marrying, eldest daughter?"

"I'm marrying a Russet!"

"A Russet!" replied Mother Potato with pride.  "Oh, a Russet is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!" said Mother Potato.

As they resumed the meal preparation, the middle daughter spoke up. "Mother?  I, too, have an announcement."

"And what might that be?" encouraged Mother Potato.  The middle daughter paused, then said with conviction, "I, too, am getting married!"

"You, too!" Mother Potato said with joy.  "That's wonderful!  Twice the good news in one evening!  And who are you marrying, middle daughter?"

"I'm marrying an Idaho!" beamed the middle daughter.

"An Idaho!" said Mother Potato with joy.  "Oh, an Idaho is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!"

Once again the room came alive with laughter and excited plans for the future, when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted.  "Mother?  Umm... I, too, have an announcement to make."

"Yes?" said Mother Potato with great anticipation.

"Well," began the youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as her sisters before her, "I hope this doesn't come as a shock to you, but I am getting married, as well!"

"That's wonderful.  Who are you marrying?" asked Mother Potato.

"I'm marrying Peter Jennings!" the youngest Potato daughter replied.

"PETER JENNINGS!?!" Mother Potato scowled suddenly.  "But he's just a common tater!"

Friday, May 7, 2004

In A Child's Mind

It was little Mary's first visit to the country, and feeding the chickens fascinated her.

Early one morning she caught his first glimpse of peacock strutting in the yard.

Rushing indoors excitedly, Mary sought her grandmother. "Oh, Granny," she exclaimed, "one of  the chickens is in bloom!"

Thursday, May 6, 2004

Because...

The jurors in a multi-billion dollar lawsuit against the tobacco industry were ordered by the judge to not see the new movie "The Insider", because it might influence their verdict. He also ordered them not to see "The House on Haunted Hill".

The prosecutor was surprised to hear this instruction and he said "I understand why you've instructed the jurors to not see 'The Insider', but why should they avoid the second movie, your honor?".

Being quick and to the point, the judge firmly stated "Because it stinks!"

Wednesday, May 5, 2004

The Check Out

A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items.  She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her.

"Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?"

The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down, smiled and said, "Not bad."

Tuesday, May 4, 2004

The Old Blacksmith

An old blacksmith realized he was soon going to quit working so hard. He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice. The old fellow was crabby and exacting.  "Don't ask me a lot of questions," he told the boy. "Just do whatever I tell you to do."

One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil.  "Get the hammer over there," he said.  "When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard."

Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith.

Monday, May 3, 2004

Questions

A father and son went fishing one day.  After a couple hours out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?"

The father thought for a moment, then replied, "Don't rightly know, son."

The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to his father, "How do fish breath underwater?"

Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."

A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"

Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know, son."

Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"

"Of course not son.  If you don't ask questions, you'll never learn anything!"

Sunday, May 2, 2004

Too Little, Too Late

A guy is at the Pearly Gates, hoping to be admitted, and St. Peter says to the guy, "I can't see that you did anything really good in your life, but you never did anything bad either. I tell you what, if you can tell me one really good deed that you did, you're in."

So the guy says, "Once I was driving down the road and saw a gang of bikers assaulting this poor girl. So I pulled over, got out my car, grabbed a tire iron and walked straight up to the gang's leader--a huge ugly guy with a studded leather jacket, bald head but with hair all over his body, and a chain running from his nose to his ear.

Undaunted, I ripped the chain out of his nose and ear and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and, wielding my tire iron, yelled to the rest of them, 'You leave this poor, innocent lady alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"

Impressed, St. Peter says, "Really? I can't seem to find this in your file. When did this happen?"

"Oh, about two minutes ago."