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May, 2005

Tuesday,  May 31, 2005

Oatmeal

Deciding to eat healthier breakfasts, my brother-in-law declared that oatmeal would now be his cereal of choice. But after eating his first bowl, he told my sister, "I hope I develop a taste for the stuff. It goes down real rough."

"Well," she asked, "how long did you cook it?"

"You're supposed to cook it?" he said.

Monday,  May 30, 2005

Intelligence

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?"

"I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."

So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said.

"What do you mean, 'intelligence'?"

The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!"

The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence."

"What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."

Sunday,  May 29, 2005

Smoke Rings

A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar, ordered a drink, and lit up a cigar.

As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing  smoke rings.

After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry American Indian stomped up to him and said, "One more remark like that and I'll smash your face in!"

Saturday,  May 28, 2005

Efficiency

"The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.

"You don't want to try these techniques at home.".

"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience..

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained.

"She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

Friday,  May 27, 2005

Polite Dinner

There are two polite people having dinner together. On the table there is a dish with one big piece of fish and one small piece of fish.

They politely say to each other: "You may choose first."

"No, you may choose first."

And this goes on for a while.

Then the first person says: "OK, I'll take first."

And he takes the BIG piece of fish.

The second person: "Why did you take the big piece? That's not polite!"

The first person says: "Which piece would *you* have taken?"

The second person replies: "Why, I would have taken the SMALL piece, of course."

The first person says: "Well, that's what you have now!"

Thursday,  May 26, 2005

The Captain

Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains.

However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his captain's quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, then lock it back up. After, he would go about his daily duties. For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope. One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captains quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, opened it and...

The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper, two on two lines:

Port Left
Starboard Right

Wednesday,  May 25, 2005

Bubba

At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him.

"Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, "Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?"

"And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.

"From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, "Sure, I'm game."

Tuesday,  May 24, 2005

Tech Support

Tech Support:  "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."

Customer:  "Ok."

Tech Support:  "Did you get a pop-up menu?"

Customer:  "No."

Tech Support:  "Ok.  Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer:  "No."

Tech Support:  "Ok, sir.  Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"

Customer:  "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."

(At this point I had to put the caller on hold to tell the rest of the tech support staff what had happened. I couldn't, however, stop from giggling when I got back to the call.)

Tech Support:  "Ok, did you type 'click' with the keyboard?"

Customer:  "I have done something dumb, right?"

Monday,  May 23, 2005

No Stairs

An old lady, who lived on the third floor of a boardinghouse, broke her leg. As the doctor put a cast on it, he warned her not to climb any stairs.

Several months later, the doctor took off the cast.

"Can I climb stairs now?" asked the little old lady.

"Yes," he replied.

"Thank goodness!" she said.  "I'm sick and tired of shinnying up and down that drainpipe!"

Sunday,  May 22, 2005

Ranch Name

A New York family bought a ranch out west where they intended to raise cattle.  Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name.

"Well," said the would-be-cattleman. "I wanted to call it the Bar-J, my wife favored the Suzy-Q, one son liked the Flying-W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we're calling it the 'Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y'."

"But, where are all your cattle?"

"So far, none have survived the branding."

Saturday,  May 21, 2005

From The Mouths of Babes

A kindergarten teacher asked, "What is the shape of the earth ?"
One lil' girl spoke up: "According to my Daddy -- terrible!"

Trying to come to the aid of his Father, who was stopped by an officer for speeding, the lil' tyke piped up,
"Yeah? Well, if we were speeding, so were you!"

Two kids were trying to figure out what game to play. One said, "Let's play doctor." 
"Good idea." said the other. "You operate, and I'll sue."

I guess you can get too health conscious...  The wife and I don't have a lot of "junk food" in the house.  Upon eating a snack of some munchies or other my Grandson asked what vitamins they had in them.  I told him I doubted there were any at all.  He replied wide-eyed, "You mean these are just for fun?"

Friday,  May 20, 2005

Signs

On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."

On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship."

At a number of military bases: "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."

On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs."

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."

In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan."

In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."

In a Tacoma, a Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"

Sign in the office of a Roman doctor: "Specialist in women and other diseases."

Sign at a garage in Jacksonville, Fl: "Please do not smoke near the pumps. If your life isn't worth anything - gas is!"

Sign at a Budapest zoo: "Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."

Thursday,  May 19, 2005

A Hearing Classic

A man feared his wife was not hearing as well as she used to, and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem. The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

"Here's what you do," said the doctor. "Stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.  If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He said to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away. Let's see what happens."


In a normal tone he asked, "Honey, what's for dinner?" No response.

So the husband moved ten feet closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife, and repeated, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response.

Next he moved into the dining room where he was about 20 feet from his wife and asked, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again, no response.

So, he walked up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again, there was no response.

So he walked right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

"George, for the fifth time WE'RE HAVING CHICKEN!"

Wednesday,  May 18, 2005

Nothing Personal

"I hope you didn't take it personally, Reverend," an embarrassed woman said after a church service, "when my husband walked out during your sermon."

"I did find it rather disconcerting," the preacher replied.

"It's not a reflection on you, sir," insisted the church  goer. "Ralph has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child."

Tuesday,  May 17, 2005

Stay Or Go

Late one night in Paris, an American tourist dropped into a sidewalk cafe and, after a couple of drinks, realized he was the last person in the bar except for a chap sleeping at one of the tables.

The man called the proprietor over and asked for his bill. "Would monsieur care for another drink?" asked the Frenchman.

"No thanks, I imagine you want to close up.  Why don't you send that other fellow home?"

"Well, I should," said the proprietor. "But each time I wake him up he asks for the bill and pays it again."

Monday,  May 16, 2005

Never Got There

This woman was talking to her friend when she got back from her recent trip to Spokane, Washington. Her friend asked her how she liked Spokane.

She answered, "I don't know, I never got there."

"You never got there... what do you mean?" 

"You know me, I have to stop at every rest area and they all say 'clean bathrooms', well. . . it takes longer that you think!"

Sunday,  May 15, 2005

Do You Know Me?

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, I'll put you both in jail for contempt!

Saturday,  May 14, 2005

Men Will Never Learn

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. "I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

The woman went home with Charles, and in four days she became his stepmother.

Friday,  May 13, 2005

Past Due

A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money.

The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one."

The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, "Please cancel  the order. We can't wait that long."

Thursday,  May 12, 2005

Reid!

A friend and her young son, Reid, were browsing in a large bookstore.  Engrossed in making a selection, my friend had lost sight of her child.

"Reid!" she called out, racing through the aisles. "Reid!"

Just as she spotted the boy, she bumped into another customer.  "Pardon me, ma'am," he said, "but most folks come here because they already like to read. No sense in wasting your time trying to convince them."

Wednesday,  May 11, 2005

Little Johnny

Little Johnny wanted to be an accountant, so he went for an aptitude test:

Tester: If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Little Johnny : SEVEN!

Tester : No, listen carefully again. If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Little Johnny : SEVEN!

Tester : Let's try this another way. If I give you two bottles of beer, and two bottles of beer, and another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got?

Little Johnny : SIX.

Tester : Good! Now, if I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Little Johnny : SEVEN!

Tester : How on Earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?

Little Johnny : I've already got one rabbit at home!

Tuesday,  May 10, 2005

U-boat

Tony and Angelo were on the dock watching the fleet coming into port. Steaming past, high in the water, was a submarine.

Tony pointed to it and said, "Dat's-a U-boat."

"No, no" said Angelo "She's-a no-a my boat."

Monday,  May 9, 2005

Summer Camp

A counselor was helping his kids put their stuff away on their first morning in Summer Camp. He was surprised to see one of the youngsters had an umbrella. The counselor asked, "Why did you bring an umbrella to camp?"

The kid answered, "Did you ever have a mother?"

Sunday,  May 8, 2005

Chinese Laundry

Walking through New York's Chinatown, I was fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. I turned a corner and saw  a building with the sign "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry."

"Moishe   Plotnik?" I wondered. "How does that fit in Chinatown?" So I walked into the shop and saw a fairly standard looking Chinese laundry. I could see  that the proprietors were clearly aware of the uniqueness of the name as  there were baseball hats, T-Shirts and coffee mugs emblazoned with the logo "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry." There was also a fair selection of Chinatown souvenirs, indicating that the name alone had brought many tourists into the shop. I selected a coffee cup as a conversation piece to take back with me. Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese  gentleman who thanked me for my purchase in English, thickly accented with Chinese. I asked, "Can you tell me how this place got a name  "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry?"

The old man answered, "Ahh... Everybody ask that. Is name of owner."

Looking around, I asked, "Is he here now?"

"He is right here," replied the old man. "He is me."

"Really? How did you ever get a name like Moishe Plotnik?"

Is simple," said the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front is Jewish gentleman from Poland. Lady look at him and say, 'What your name?'

He say 'Moishe Plotnik.'

Then she look at me and say, 'What your name?'

I say, Sam Ting.'"

Saturday,  May 7, 2005

Chocolate

Chocolate is a Vegetable:
Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans.
Bean = vegetable.
Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS.
Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.

To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
 
If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
 
The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car.
The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal.
   -- It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.
 
Chocolate has many preservatives.
Preservatives make you look younger.

 Put 'eat chocolate' at the top of your list of things to do today.
   -- That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you?

REMEMBER: 'Stressed' spelled backward is 'desserts'.

Friday,  May 6, 2005

Free Vacation

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.

He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a vacation, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way.

About a month later the little lady came in to his shop. "And how did you like your vacation?" he asked eagerly.

"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"

Thursday,  May 5, 2005

A Rough Night

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at three in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. After leaving the bar, he returns home on foot.

When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs though, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his back. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke; the broken glass carved up his back terribly. Yet, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.

A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up terribly. He then repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, his back was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"

"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where did you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a  bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

Wednesday,  May 4, 2005

Hysterical?

A man complains to a friend, "I can't take it anymore."

"What's wrong?" his concerned friend asks.

"It's my wife. Every time we have an argument, she gets historical!"

"You mean hysterical," his friend said, chuckling.

"No, I mean HISTORICAL," the man insists. "Every argument we have, she'll go "I still remember that time when you..."

Tuesday,  May 3, 2005

Wrong Seat

Two American women stopping at the Hotel in Lisbon wanted another chair in their room. The steward who answered their ring could not understand English.

One of the women pointed to the only chair in the room, then tried pantomime, seating herself in an imaginary chair.

With a knowing smile, the steward bowed and motioned for her to follow him. At the end of the corridor, he stopped, smiled, and bowed again, and pointed triumphantly to the door of the Ladies Room.

Monday,  May 2, 2005

Ape

One day, an ape escaped from the Bronx Zoo. They searched for him everywhere in every borough. They announced his disappearance on the radio and television as well as in the newspapers, but no one reported seeing the ape.

At last, the ape was found in the New York Public Library. Officials of the zoo and the animal handlers were summoned to the library. They found the ape sitting at a desk in the reading room with two books spread out in front of him. The ape was reading with great concentration. One book was the Bible; the other was a book written by Darwin.

The zookeepers asked the ape what he was doing.

The ape replied, "I'm trying to figure out whether I am my brother's keeper or my keepers brother."

Sunday,  May 1, 2005

Tickets

A man was standing first in line for tickets from those who had canceled their reservations to a sold-out play.

The manager said he had two together, and pointed to the two women behind the man. "You wouldn't want to come between Mother and daughter, would you?"

The man turned around, and replied, "No. I did that once, and regretted it right up until the divorce."