May 31, 2005
to eat healthier breakfasts, my brother-in-law declared that oatmeal would
now be his cereal of choice. But after eating his first bowl, he told my
sister, "I hope I develop a taste for the stuff. It goes down real rough."
"Well," she asked, "how long did you cook it?"
"You're supposed to cook it?" he said.
May 30, 2005
were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we
down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in
the shade of a tree?"
know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."
So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in
the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss
you mean, 'intelligence'?"
The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I
want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger
took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his
hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's
The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he
say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence."
intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face
and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."
May 29, 2005
traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went
to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar, ordered a drink, and lit up a
As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings.
After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry American
Indian stomped up to him and said, "One more remark like that and I'll
smash your face in!"
May 28, 2005
efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.
don't want to try these techniques at home.".
not?" asked somebody from the audience..
watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained.
lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often
carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you
try carrying several things at once?'"
save time?" the guy in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to
make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
May 27, 2005
two polite people having dinner together. On the table there is a dish
with one big piece of fish and one small piece of fish.
They politely say to each other: "You may choose first."
"No, you may choose first."
And this goes on for a while.
Then the first person says: "OK, I'll take first."
And he takes the BIG piece of fish.
The second person: "Why did you take the big piece? That's not polite!"
The first person says: "Which piece would *you* have taken?"
The second person replies: "Why, I would have taken the SMALL piece, of
The first person says: "Well, that's what you have now!"
May 26, 2005
a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at
what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the world. Never
did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew
and fellow captains.
However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning
he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his captain's
quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece
of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, then lock it
back up. After, he would go about his daily duties. For years this went
on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a
letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of
the strange envelope. One day the captain died at sea. After laying the
captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the
captains quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, opened it and...
The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words
were on the paper, two on two lines:
May 25, 2005
police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot
"Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin
Ray picked up his shotgun and said, "Hey, der ya fellows wanna go
"And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.
"From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, "Sure, I'm
May 24, 2005
Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."
(At this point I had to put the caller on hold to tell the rest of the
tech support staff what had happened. I couldn't, however, stop from
giggling when I got back to the call.)
Tech Support: "Ok, did you type 'click' with the keyboard?"
Customer: "I have done something dumb, right?"
May 23, 2005
lady, who lived on the third floor of a boardinghouse, broke her leg. As
the doctor put a cast on it, he warned her not to climb any stairs.
Several months later, the doctor took off the cast.
"Can I climb stairs now?" asked the little old lady.
"Yes," he replied.
"Thank goodness!" she said. "I'm sick and tired of shinnying up and down
May 22, 2005
York family bought a ranch out west where they intended to raise cattle.
Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name.
"Well," said the would-be-cattleman. "I wanted to call it the Bar-J, my
wife favored the Suzy-Q, one son liked the Flying-W, and the other son
wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we're calling it the
"But, where are all your cattle?"
"So far, none have survived the branding."
May 21, 2005
From The Mouths of Babes
kindergarten teacher asked, "What is the shape of the earth ?"
One lil' girl spoke up: "According to my Daddy -- terrible!"
Trying to come to the aid of his Father, who was stopped by an officer for
speeding, the lil' tyke piped up,
"Yeah? Well, if we were speeding, so were you!"
Two kids were trying to figure out what game to play. One said, "Let's
"Good idea." said the other. "You operate, and I'll sue."
I guess you can get too health conscious... The wife and I don't have a
lot of "junk food" in the house. Upon eating a snack of some munchies or
other my Grandson asked what vitamins they had in them. I told him I
doubted there were any at all. He replied wide-eyed, "You mean these are
just for fun?"
May 20, 2005
On a New York
convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."
On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible
prices and workmanship."
At a number of military bases: "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."
On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: "Now available in
In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let
our washing machine do the dirty work."
In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan."
In a clothing store:
"Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
In a Tacoma, a Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits, $10.
They won't last an hour!"
Sign in the office of a Roman doctor: "Specialist in women and other
Sign at a garage in Jacksonville, Fl: "Please do not smoke near the pumps.
If your life isn't worth anything - gas is!"
Sign at a Budapest zoo: "Please do not feed the animals. If you have any
suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."
May 19, 2005
A Hearing Classic
A man feared his wife was not hearing as well as she used to,
and he thought
she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach
her, he called
the family doctor to discuss the problem. The doctor told him
there is a
simple informal test the husband could perform to give the
doctor a better
idea about her hearing loss.
"Here's what you do," said the doctor. "Stand about 40 feet away
and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears
you. If not,
go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he
was in the
den. He said to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away. Let's see what
In a normal tone he asked, "Honey, what's for dinner?" No
So the husband moved ten feet closer to the kitchen, about 30
feet from his
wife, and repeated, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no
Next he moved into the dining room where he was about 20 feet
from his wife
and asked, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again, no response.
So, he walked up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.
"Honey, what's for
Again, there was no response.
So he walked right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
"George, for the fifth time WE'RE HAVING CHICKEN!"
May 18, 2005
you didn't take it personally, Reverend," an embarrassed woman said after
a church service, "when my husband walked out during your sermon."
"I did find it rather disconcerting," the preacher replied.
"It's not a reflection on you, sir," insisted the church goer. "Ralph has
been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child."
May 17, 2005
Stay Or Go
night in Paris, an American tourist dropped into a sidewalk cafe and,
after a couple of drinks, realized he was the last person in the bar
except for a chap sleeping at one of the tables.
The man called the proprietor over and asked for his bill. "Would monsieur
care for another drink?" asked the Frenchman.
"No thanks, I imagine you want to close up. Why don't you send that other
"Well, I should," said the proprietor. "But each time I wake him up he
asks for the bill and pays it again."
May 16, 2005
Never Got There
woman was talking to her friend when she got back from her recent trip to
Spokane, Washington. Her friend asked her how she liked Spokane.
She answered, "I don't know, I never got there."
never got there... what do you mean?"
me, I have to stop at every rest area and they all say 'clean bathrooms',
well. . . it takes longer that you think!"
May 15, 2005
Do You Know Me?
town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a
trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs.
Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since
you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them
behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't
the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a
two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the
room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has
been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking
problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law
practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both
counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If
either of you asks her if she knows me, I'll put you both in jail for
May 14, 2005
Men Will Never Learn
inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he
needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles bar, he spotted a
woman whose beauty took his breath away. "I'm just an ordinary man," he
said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die
and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
went home with Charles, and in four days she became his stepmother.
May 13, 2005
customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods
totaling a great deal of money.
The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The
collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your
new order until you pay for the last one."
The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call,
"Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."
May 12, 2005
and her young son, Reid, were browsing in a large bookstore. Engrossed in
making a selection, my friend had lost sight of her child.
"Reid!" she called out, racing through the aisles. "Reid!"
Just as she spotted the boy, she bumped into another customer. "Pardon
me, ma'am," he said, "but most folks come here because they already like
to read. No sense in wasting your time trying to convince them."
May 11, 2005
Johnny wanted to be an accountant, so he went for an aptitude test:
Tester: If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two
rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Little Johnny : SEVEN!
Tester : No, listen carefully again. If I give you two Rabbits, and two
rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Little Johnny : SEVEN!
Tester : Let's try this another way. If I give you two bottles of beer,
and two bottles of beer, and another two bottles of beer, how many bottles
of beer have you got?
Little Johnny : SIX.
Tester : Good! Now, if I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and
another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Little Johnny : SEVEN!
Tester : How on Earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is
Little Johnny : I've already got one rabbit at home!
May 10, 2005
Angelo were on the dock watching the fleet coming into port. Steaming
past, high in the water, was a submarine.
Tony pointed to it and said, "Dat's-a U-boat."
"No, no" said Angelo "She's-a no-a my boat."
May 9, 2005
counselor was helping his kids put their stuff away on their first morning
in Summer Camp. He was surprised to see one of the youngsters had an
umbrella. The counselor asked, "Why did you bring an umbrella to camp?"
The kid answered, "Did you ever have a mother?"
May 8, 2005
through New York's Chinatown, I was fascinated with all the Chinese
restaurants, shops, signs and banners. I turned a corner and saw a
building with the sign "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry."
Plotnik?" I wondered. "How does that fit in Chinatown?" So I walked into
the shop and saw a fairly standard looking Chinese laundry. I could see
that the proprietors were clearly aware of the uniqueness of the name as
there were baseball hats, T-Shirts and coffee mugs emblazoned with the
logo "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry." There was also a fair selection
of Chinatown souvenirs, indicating that the name alone had brought many
tourists into the shop. I selected a coffee cup as a conversation piece to
take back with me. Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese
gentleman who thanked me for my purchase in English, thickly accented with
Chinese. I asked, "Can you tell me how this place got a name "Moishe
Plotnik's Chinese Laundry?"
man answered, "Ahh... Everybody ask that. Is name of owner."
around, I asked, "Is he here now?"
right here," replied the old man. "He is me."
How did you ever get a name like Moishe Plotnik?"
simple," said the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country,
was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front is Jewish
gentleman from Poland. Lady look at him and say, 'What your name?'
He say 'Moishe
look at me and say, 'What your name?'
May 7, 2005
is a Vegetable:
Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans.
Bean = vegetable.
Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS.
Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus,
chocolate is a vegetable.
To go one
step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So
candy bars are a health food.
Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all
count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too
The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot
The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal.
-- It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.
Chocolate has many preservatives.
Preservatives make you look younger.
Put 'eat chocolate' at the top of your list of things to do today.
-- That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories
in one place. Now, isn't that handy?
If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An
entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen,
REMEMBER: 'Stressed' spelled backward is 'desserts'.
May 6, 2005
agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman
peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous
destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the
dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of
He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you
could never hope to have a vacation, so I am sending you off to a fabulous
resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets
and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly
accepted, and were on their way.
About a month later the little lady came in to his shop. "And how did you
like your vacation?" he asked eagerly.
"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to
thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share
the room with?"
May 5, 2005
A Rough Night
decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the
bar closes at three in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk.
After leaving the bar, he returns home on foot.
When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off
his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs
though, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his back. That wouldn't
have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his
back pockets, and they broke; the broken glass carved up his back
terribly. Yet, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.
A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked
himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up
terribly. He then repaired the damage as best he could under the
circumstances, and he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, his back was hurting, and he was
hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his
wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last
night. Where did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and
found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
May 4, 2005
complains to a friend, "I can't take it anymore."
"What's wrong?" his concerned friend asks.
"It's my wife. Every time we have an argument, she gets historical!"
"You mean hysterical," his friend said, chuckling.
"No, I mean HISTORICAL," the man insists. "Every argument we have, she'll
go "I still remember that time when you..."
May 3, 2005
American women stopping at the Hotel in Lisbon wanted another chair in
their room. The steward who answered their ring could not understand
One of the women pointed to the only chair in the room, then tried
pantomime, seating herself in an imaginary chair.
With a knowing smile, the steward bowed and motioned for her to follow
him. At the end of the corridor, he stopped, smiled, and bowed again, and
pointed triumphantly to the door of the Ladies Room.
May 2, 2005
an ape escaped from the Bronx Zoo. They searched for him everywhere in
every borough. They announced his disappearance on the radio and
television as well as in the newspapers, but no one reported seeing the
At last, the ape was found in the New York Public Library. Officials of
the zoo and the animal handlers were summoned to the library. They found
the ape sitting at a desk in the reading room with two books spread out in
front of him. The ape was reading with great concentration. One book was
the Bible; the other was a book written by Darwin.
The zookeepers asked the ape what he was doing.
The ape replied, "I'm trying to figure out whether I am my brother's
keeper or my keepers brother."
May 1, 2005
A man was
standing first in line for tickets from those who had canceled their
reservations to a sold-out play.
The manager said he had two together, and pointed to the two women behind
the man. "You wouldn't want to come between Mother and daughter, would
The man turned around, and replied, "No. I did that once, and regretted it
right up until the divorce."